Block That Kick!
Friday, September 17, 2004
Week 2
My Two Cents, worth approximately 6/10th of one cent.
Overall: 7-8-1, eh.
Last Week: 7-8-1, cut me some slack for week 1, will you?
Best Bets: 0-2, did I say best?
BB Last Week: 0-2, unfortunately I did.
Prologue: Well, there goes the bump rule. Will I ever get back all those hours spent hearing and reading the sound & the fury of pre-season coverage about how enforcement of the 5-yard bump rule would radically alter passing, offense, and scoring in the league? The rule went virtually uncalled in Week 1. Instead, rushing was once again king. Even old man Curtis Martin had almost 200 yards on the ground. The league should realize that the drop in scoring comes not from aggressive downfield play by the d-backs, but by an overall team emphasis on defense. Our recent Superbowl winners (Ravens, Bucs, Pats), combined a mediocre offense of quick, high percentage plays, few mistakes, and cheap role players with superb defenses. Success breeds imitation. There are no lack of high-scoring, offense-lead teams in the league, they just ain’t winning the Superbowl. The league should give soft schedules to the likes of the Colts, Vikes, Rams, and other points-first teams and their success will relax the league’s monomaniacal obsession with defense. Or so says I. But enough of my yakkin’, let’s boogie…
Broncos (-3) vs. Jags: The Jags waited until the end of the 4th quarter last week to make any attempt to move the ball, converting three 4th and longs. Here’s a suggestion: maybe the Jaguars should just start each possession on 4th down. Make this damn thing exciting. They can change their game plan to have the punter come in on 1st and short. Talk about confusing the defense! Leftwich ended the game with a passer rating of 46.9 and had Jake The Snake in Arizona-type numbers. With the absence of Quincy Carter, I suppose that Quentin Griffin will assume the mantle of ‘the Q-factor.’ Unfortunately, Quentin’s performance puts to shame the inferences of ineptitude the moniker has come to symbolize. It’s really quite a rebirth for the letter Q. Griffin will shake off any Quentin Compson-style suicidal vacillations and scoot around the clogged Jax middle D-line for big gains outside the hashes. Can’t pass up an opportunity to say ‘scoot,’ can I? Fred Taylor had only 3.6 yards/scoot last week and will have to pick up the slack for Leftwich who will struggle against a solid Broncos secondary that has so much scoot it’s coming out their damn ears.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Steelers (+4) vs. Ravens: ‘Hear the tolling of the bells--/Steel Bells!’ Uh, no wait, I mean, ‘Quoth the Raven, "Baltimore."’ Oh christ, I can’t figure it out! What’s the line on the Lenore vs. Annabel Lee game? I hear that Annabel Lee has a pretty weak secondary if you catch my drift. My drift by the sounding sea! Aha. Well, the Ravens really screwed me last week, putting in a 3-point, 254 net yard performance against a mediocre Browns team. Cleveland bet the bank on stopping Jamal Lewis and won, giving them a total of two banks. Put that in your ATM and deposit it! The Ravens won in almost every statistical category (time of possession, yards, rushing, passing, first downs) yet lost 20-3. Considering that many senior citizens are asleep by 8pm, ‘Prime Time’ has now been moved up to 1pm in an attempt to avoid possible gametime snoozing. Welcome back Deion, we had forgotten how much we missed you until we missed again you last week. Did you really rejoin the NFL or was it just a publicity stunt to promote your new male perfume "Prime Smell Time?" The Steelers blitz will tear Boller apart and the linebackers will contain Lewis. Why am I getting more than a figgie?
Picksgiving: Steelers
Texans (+3) vs. Lions: The Lions managed only 77 yards of rushing last week, but got their first road win since the advent of multi-cellular organisms. They Blocked That Kick!, returned the blocked FG for a TD, and had an endzone INT to hold off the Bears (note that this is probably the only times this season I will write the phrase ‘hold off the Bears,’ unless this fall brings a rash of bear maulings. Note that this will not be the only time I write the phrase ‘rash of bear maulings.’). The Texans (so-called because they are located in Texas. See, given state education statistics, the Texans organization made the correct assumption that most of its fan base was ignorant of which particular state contained Houston) continue their journey through the land of unwatchable games this week. Two pics and two fumbles sucked dry their oil wells last week against the Chargers. Apparently last week’s game in Texas was delayed for 10 minutes in the 4th quarter because of a power outage at Reliant Stadium (Reliant being an energy company, natch). No word on what caused the outage, but you heard it hear first – blame the Saudis! NFL honchos demanded the game be continued despite low light in the stadium, which was a bow to the Texans fans, as inability to see the product on the field kept interest in the team alive. Hey, they’re located in Texas! Hence the name!
Picksgiving: Lions
Colts (+1.5) vs. Titans: You can blame VanderShank all you want, but the Colts were in position for a gimme kick and have only themselves to blame for the sack that put them into missie distance. Why was Peyton Place even dropping back? Why was there no blocking back? Hell, why wasn’t the entire team on the field, jock-jockeys and all, in ‘Max Protect’ (always my favorite name for a blocking scheme, since it sounds like a really snazzy adult diaper) to assure no loss of yardage? I got the push with the Pats mainly through relying on the incompetence of the Colts in any meaningful game, per usual. That said, the Titans played their hurricane washout game in an undisclosed, secure location last week, beating up on the hapless Fins. Anonyback Chris Brown had 100 yards in the first half and then sat. McNair had only 9 completions and it’s tough to say whether the defense was solid or just facing an inept offense. The Colts will always score points and I think it will be more difficult for the Titans to keep up this year. Four of the Colts red-zone visits yielded no points last week. I don’t see that kind of sloppy play happening again, especially against a softer defense than the Pats. The Colts also won both meetings last year. The co-MVPs of last year meet. Whoopity-Do. Why don’t they just add a third person next year? Hell, screw people and include that monkey from the ‘MVP: Most Valuable Primate’ movie. That monkey can forecheck, dude. Oh my god… I direct you to this:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285685/
Note the cast of characters, including one Bob Burnquist. And I wondered how they got that monkey to do such a killer burntwist.
Picksgiving: Colts
Bears (+9) vs. Packers: Ah, points points points. What to do with you? The Pack looked damn good on both sides of the ball last week and the Bears, well, didn’t. But 9 points is a lot, even at home. The Farve hagiography continues unabated. I sometimes ask myself, ‘Is Brett Farve more popular than Jesus Christ?’ Similarly, I ask my pastor, ‘Would Jesus Christ wear a crown of cheese? And if so, what kind of cheese would Jesus wear?’ These are the questions that occupy my day, when I’m not assessing the pros and cons of becoming a professional dog-walker walker. If I could walk the dog walkers while they walk the dogs, I can make a bit of bank on both ends. But I ain’t picking up any crap – dog, person, or otherwise.
Picksgiving: Pack (please don’t give up late points to screw me, pack-men)
Skins (-3) vs. Giants: Excitement grows among the Giant’s faithful as Barry Bonds continues his quest for his 700th home run. Thursday’s game saw him go 3-3 with an RBI but he failed to knock one out of the ballpark. Commenting after the game Bonds… Hold on. What? Huh? Oh, the FOOTBALL Giants. Well I don’t have much to say about them.
Picksgiving: Skins
49ers (+7) vs. Saints: San Francisco looked anemic for much of the game last week against the Falcons, but nearly tied it in the last minute. Rattay may not start, clearing the way for the powerpunch blow of Ken Dorsey, whoever the hell that is. In the last decade, the Saints are 12-25 in September games. It seems like a lot of points, but I expect the Saints will get back on track and maybe I’ll get the push. Here’s the most shocking and gruesome news from the landfall of Hurricane Ivan, from the NYT’s Thursday article: ‘There were more reports of deadly tornadoes that remained to be confirmed. Those who required a cigarette to pass the time or cut the stress had a hard night, having to step into the maelstrom to take a puff.’ A fucking tragedy, what these hurricanes are doing to smokers.
Picksgiving: Saints
Rams (+2.5) vs. Falcons: The Dirty Birds meet the, er, Horny Rams. Atlanta’s secondary was the worst in the league last year and haven’t gotten much better, giving up 272 to the 49ers last week. Quick, name a 49ers WR. No, Jerry Rice doesn’t count.
Picksgiving: Rams
Panthers (+6) vs. Chiefs: The Panther’s lost Steve Smith, had 38 yards rushing and looked overmatched against the Packers. The Chiefs are angry my friend, and after a good helping of firewater and arrowheads, will run run run their way into the endzone.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Seahawks (-3) vs. Bucs: Seattle jets across the country once again to face the reeling Bucs, who managed 30 rushing yards, 169 total yards, and 3 offensive points. That Gruden really is a genius. Instead of Chucky, can we start calling him UpChucky? Even if Alexander doesn’t play, the Bucs will have trouble moving the ball anywhere but backwards, and the Seahawks have enough weapons to score and at least give me the push.
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Browns (+4) vs. Cowboys: This is the first time since 1999 that the Browns are 1-0. They’re really reaching for the stars this year. Having accomplished all they set out to do this season with their 1-0 record, we can expect the Browns to lose the rest of their games. They will declare this season a success, now that they’ve gotten over the curse of that first game. Expect a rebuilding year next year as they tackle their historical problems with Week 2. After getting cremated last week by the Vikes, the ‘Boys will have their ashes mixed into Jerry Jones’s cocktail, which he will consume and then vomit up on the field’s 50-yard line Cowboys star whereupon the team will reform in the shape of a giant lobster and dampen the fire of Cleveland’s rivers. Lobster, Tuna, the snot-verde sea, it’s a whole nautical thing.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Patriots (-8) vs. Cardinals: Wow, only 8? Much as the rabid cheering of a basketball crowd can provide a team with the proverbial ‘6th man,’ I’m expecting the 9,000 fans at the Cards game will provide the a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ to become the proverbial 54th man in this game. Unfortunately for the Cards, the 54th man will be a former carnival worker with 12 toes on one foot clinging to a roster spot as a second-string punter. This game will be his moment to shine. On fourth down. Out of his own endzone. By punting.
Picksgiving: Pats.
Bills (+3.5) vs. Raiders: I think these Bills are being held up in Congress, if you know what I mean. I think these Bills will remain unpaid, if you hear what I’m saying. I think these Bills will not be joining Ted on an ‘excellent adventure,’ if you’re understandin’ the words that are comin’ out of my mouth. I think these Bills will form the beaks of a bunch of lame ducks, if you’re catching what I’m throwing. I think this winning hat ain’t got no bills, if you’re explicating the theses that I am composing. I think I’ll be putting my winnings from this game in my… Billfold, if you’re groovin’ on my pun. I think these Raiders will… uh… does that mascot have an eyepatch?
Picksgiving: Raiders
Jets (-3) vs. Chargers: I’ve long maintained that Drew Brees sounds like a porn-star pseudonym. That being the case, I guess I am forced to say that the name Chad Pennington sounds like an investment-banker pseudonym. I suppose the two occupations have a similar amount of sleaze, as they both make a profession out of screwing people. I apologize, such crudity is uncalled for in the world of football. The Chargers are also called the Bolts. So, Bolts & Jets, eh? Funny how both words are slang for leaving as quickly as possible, considering that’s exactly what I’ll be doing when this game strands itself upon my television like a beached whale. An ugly beached whale at that.
Picksgiving: Jets
Fins (+4.5) vs. Bengals: It’s always fun to imagine the team mascots battling instead of the players. Yes, the dolphin does have a helmet, but that bengal looks mighty pissed off. Yes, the dolphin can jump and do tricks, but that bengal has stripes, which is the perfect camouflage in those jungles composed of orange and black-colored trees. So our QB match-up is Carson vs. A.J., huh? Aren’t those guys detectives in San Diego in a crappy 70s buddy/brother television series? I’m sorry, but I have to include this:
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Bungalow/7691/simonnsimon.html
"They are as different as night and day, but they always work together to get the job done. The bond between them is unbreakable." Well, I guess that says it all. At least until I have the time to read the Simon & Simon fan fiction.
Picksgiving: Bengals
Vikes (+3) vs. Eagles: So T.O. after catching his second touchdown of the day ran to the end of the endzone and flapped his arms like eagle wings. It was strange to see T.O. acting like an eagle and flapping his wings, he’s usually acting like an asshole and flapping his lips. Last week McNabb had 330 yards, 4 TDs, and a rating of 137.5 and Culpepper had 242 yards, 5 TDs, and a rating of 147.1. This should be quite a doozy, and I expect the Eagles are just getting the points because of the home field. And I shall take those points.
Picksgiving: Vikes.
Best Bets (2 per week): Colts, Jets
Errata:
Tom Coughlin Fine of the Week:
On Tuesday Tom Coughlin fined reserve offensive lineman Brandon Winey $500 for breaking team rules by saving the life of a lost insect. The incident occurred in the team’s weight room when Smith, participating in mandatory weight training, discovered an errant ladybug on one of the dumbbells. Realizing that the ladybug had strayed into a windowless room free of sunlight, flora or food, Smith corralled the lost insect and carried it to a hallway window where he released it into back into the outdoors. Word of the incident quickly spread to the disciplinarian Coughlin, who immediately called the lineman into his office and informed him he would be receiving a $500 fine for saving the insect.
"Basically," said Winey, "Coach Couglin told me that the ladybug had strayed into a foodless environment through its own fault and that my letting it out the window didn’t teach the bug the consequences of it’s mistakes. He said when a player misses a block, the opposing team doesn’t just let the ballcarrier run by. They tackle him. And that missed block could ruin the team’s drive, maybe even cost it field position or points. I told him I didn't understand how that related to a bug in the weight room and he fined me another $100 for failure to understand the lesson. So I kept my mouth shut after that.’
Find Deion: Wait, where is he? I don’t see him on the field. Oh, there he is. But the play is over. Was he even playing on that down?
The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
This week: John Elway. Elway currently shills for Prevacid, some kind of anti-indigestion medication. Not to be a giant-killer, but from the popular hagiography, Elway’s clutch play in high-pressure situations is the cornerstone of his myth. But from what Elway is telling me, the man can’t perform the pedestrian feats of food consumption. No offense John (pun very much intended, sir!), but a wombat can eat successfully. If you expect me to believe you’re so clutch at gametime, maybe you shouldn’t be admitting that you fumble up all your food at mealtime. John my man, how can I foist upon you the glories of athletic performance, indomitable will, brute strength, and inhuman coordination when you have to pop a pill after every bowl of bran flakes. Was it the automotive dealership business that ruined your digestion? Or does daddy need a new set of plumbing? It’s tough to throw touchdowns (or hock Chevys) when you starve to death.
Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about the blue line. While the yellow, first-down line was a stroke of computerized genius, the blue line seems to be riding its coattails, like some kind of sad-sack vice presidential candidate, say a Dick Cheney or Spiro Agnew. For one thing, everyone lines up at the line of scrimmage, so I’ve got a pretty good idea of where the damn thing is. Also, ideally, most teams look to advance the ball past where it is currently located. That’s kind of the whole point of the damn game. So why are you showing me this line? Plus, I feel like the graphics on the field are just going to proliferate endlessly. Soon enough we’ll have a ‘average run distance’ line and a ‘possible holding penalty’ line and a ‘intentional grounding line’ and a damn ‘tackle box’ graphic. The robot Pat Summerall is enough in digital doo-dads, let’s leave the damn playing field alone.
Dear ABC NFL Television Production Team,
Max Stat = Max Crap
Thank you, J.J. Bailey
From the Mouth of Knaves (idiocy from the studio):
Whereto Jim Nance? He seems to have kicked it into the booth, leaving Greg Gumble to baby-sit Dan & Boomer and, prepare yourself, Shannon Sharpe. For what it’s worth Shannon Sharpe endeared himself to me first by comparing the Fins QBs to the donut tire you put on your car and secondly by claiming the Cowboys have an odor at 3 positions. Now as a man with the fantasy football team called team smells, I can appreciate any use of the word odor. I also must admit an inclination to reply to Shannon that the CBS pre-game show has an odor at every position. But at least S-squared can smooth the grating double whammy of Dan’s meathead self-love and Boomer’s Howie-like faux intellectual gravitas.
I didn’t get a chance to watch the studio work of the Fox yokels because an audio quirk on my tv/stereo (sorry, I mean my ‘home theater’) made Terry Bradshaw’s voice boom out at the type of exaggerated volume one associates with the voice of God. Well, a drunk redneck with too many head injuries kind of God that is.
Dhani Jones: The Thinker?
Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
I don’t know if it was all the off-season talk about implementing the bump rule or what, but this seems to be the year of the referee. Maybe with just about everything in the ol’ U.S. going down toilet, it becomes natural to center your commercials on an authority figure like the referee. Of course many of these commercials make the refs out to be bumbling, clown-like figures. Or at least bumbling, clown-like figures that really need to go potty. Whatever the case, the figure of the ref seems to have captured a certain zeitgeist, as he appears in a number of commercials.
Congrats Budweiser on the first outright misogynist commercial of the year, in which an incensed football coach is screaming at a ref on the sideline as the ref ignores him and watches the play on the field. How does the ref maintain his dispassion in the face of such screaming and abuse? Why, he gets practice at home of course, where his naggy, demon-woman shrew wife screams into his face over his breakfast cereal. Classy, Budweiser, real classy.
Another Budweiser ref-related commercial has a ref come out onto the field to explain his ruling on a coach’s challenge. The voices from the booth tell us that the ref has taken an unusually long time making his decision. After announcing his call, the ref trots off and the camera zooms in on the bit of toilet paper clinging to his show. The implication is that the ref wasn’t deliberating over a challenged call, but actually in the potty making poo. I really don’t understand this commercial whatsoever. Refs don’t go inside the stadium to make a call, they watch a video screen on the sideline. Is Budweiser suggesting that this ref just defecated publicly? And what in God’s name do refs, challenges, or #2s have to do with beer? Did too much Budweiser force the ref into an emergency bathroom break? There’s a wonderful association for your product. Hey, drink Budweiser, it’ll give you the shits right in the middle of work!
The Stadium Scene:
Blackhawk flyover (Jets game). Oh golly gee-whiz, I’m incredibly impressed by the extremely slow flyover of a troop-movement aircraft! Hell, why don’t they just get the radar planes to circle the stadium? Or maybe the re-fueling aircraft can buzz the parking lot. Or better yet, get some of those predator drones to do a flyover. Maybe they can fire some t-shirt rockets at us! Seriously, we demand fighter aircraft! Anything less will not be tolerated. If I wanted to see some slow, unthreatening military equipment, I’d go see Wesley Clarke speak. The Blackhawk flyover was pathetic. I’m surprised one of the choppers didn’t get felled by a drunk fan throwing an empty beercan at it. Blackhawk down on 4th & goal! Better send in a real aircraft!
Footballweb:
http://www.brianurlacher.com/coloringbook.shtml
Hey kids, grab your crayons and get ready to do some coloring, li’l Picassos! First, you can color Urlacher carrying the football for a loss of 3. Yes he plays linebacker, but given his celebrity and the awfulness of the Bears offense, Urlacher now plays at tailback too! Just like ‘The Fridge,’ except Urlacher gains fewer yards! Next you can color Urlacher trotting off the field after yielding yet another score to his opponent. Make sure to color his head/helmet-area as he looks upfield to acknowledge yet another taunt of ‘Scoreboard’ from the opposing team. And finally, color Urlacher as he waits in the classic linebacker stance. Unfortunately, the ball was snapped a few seconds ago, and the play has already moved past him down the sideline. For verisimilitude, make sure to add a tiny running back in the back ground running for the touchdown, and also make sure to get out your red crayons and put little red dots all over Urlacher’s body to remind everyone of his brief liaison last year with Paris Hilton. Remember kids, have fun!
Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Rams vs. Falcons (Played on legend mode, because I’m convinced that my ps2 football prowess has made me a legend far and wide throughout the incredibly small land of my 1 bedroom apartment).
During the second quarter I was busy saving a baby from a burning building and the computer chose my defensive formation for me, leading to a computer touchdown, a computer endzone dance, and a human throwing an empty Budweiser tallboy can at an antiquated television set. Pass completed.
In the third quarter, I was on the phone with the New England Patriots regarding an offensive consultant position they have offered me after hearing about my prowess in PS2 football. Unfortunately, during heated contractual negotiations involving my demands for 24-hour whirlpool bath access, two sideline play-calling radio headsets (one for my head, one specially designed to be worn over my groin), and full ownership of the jersey number 69, I incurred 4 consecutive delay-of-game penalties after not choosing an offensive play. In attempting to make up the lost yardage with the ‘chuck it deep’ strategy, the computer intercepted an errant pass and returned it for a touchdown. A different, though completely accurate pass, returned the PS2 dual-shock controller to its original state of multiple component pieces.
With a new quarterback in the form of the one still-functioning PS2 controller, the Falcons (me, aka Team Awesome) drove 62 yards for the score. Touchdown dance circle button = the cabbage patch. Better eat your cabbage, game console!
Pending an engagement with Nike to discuss a sponsorship deal, the game was left playing while performance-enhancing alcoholic beverages were procured from the fridge and certain performance-enhancing toxins were inhaled into the lungs. Once again, the default defense was activated due to the absence of the guiding hand of the first virtual football hall-of-famer (me). The default defense allowed yet another computer-team touchdown. Much non-virtual shouting and table-banging elucidated the opinion that the default defense was, in fact, at fault.
Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies):
Well the Superbowl halftime Janet Jackson booby fines are finally in. The FCC has decided to fine each of the 20 stations owned by CBS $27,500 for a total fine of $550,000. Considering 90 million people saw the Superbowl (though, for what it’s worth, I’d say a very small percentage of them saw the halftime crapfest), the fine works out to a payment of about 6/10th of one cent for each viewer. Hello? CBS? Yes, I’ll be taking my portion of the fine in Euros, please. Hello FCC, I am a viewer of football and I would like to be paid the equivalent of 6/10th of one cent for being forced to view Dan Marino flex his arm and point to his bicep. Thank you.
In Other News:
You can only hold people’s interest in certain news topics for so long. Hell, look at the election. But I feel a similar weariness coming on with all these hurricanes. There’s just no ‘pop’ to a Hurricane Frances. If they really want to keep these hurricanes newsworthy they need to think of some new, exciting ways to depict them. Maybe they could use new categories. Instead of a Category 4 hurricane (which means nothing to 99.9% of people), they could start categorizing them by the amount of destruction they are expected to do. We could have Category Double-Wide Crusher Hurricane Steve, or Category Basement Flooder Hurricane Jill or Category Assisted Living Hurricane Betty or Category Mullet Dampener Hurricane Ron. Or maybe try to convince people that these hurricanes, with their attendant tornadoes and water spouts, when passing over the Caribbean, have sucked up lots of sharks and barracudas which are swirling around in the storm and which could come squirting out far, far inland and attack you in your own home. Something, anything to give this weather a little ‘buzz!’
I saw a new promo spot for Survivor. Now I’ve never seen this show, but after all the shots of jungle and fire and tribesmen and sacrificial animals I had to ask myself: Is this Survivor: Apocalypse Now? And if so, can you please inform me of the challenges involving Marlon Brando. These could be very entertaining, considering he’s dead and all.
This week a Federal Advisory Committee (like they do anything in government these days) released recommendations that antidepressants contain severe warnings for children and adolescents about suicide risks. Apparently children on antidepressants have a much higher rate of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Well those are some successful medications, huh? But I see a marketing opening here for the drug companies. Maybe they can start advertising these pills with an animated Grim Reaper. Hell, maybe they could develop a whole Saturday morning cartoon series, like ‘GraveStone SquarePants’ or the ‘Cemetary Rats’ or ‘Yu Gi Dead.’ At the very least, they should stop calling these medications antidepressants and start calling them pro-thantosants
Next week: Choice cuts from NFL-related leadership books. Lessons to lead your team downfield for the last second score to win the Superbowl. Wait a second, all you do is tinker with spreadsheets!
¶ 1:30 PM 0 comments
My Two Cents, worth approximately 6/10th of one cent.
Overall: 7-8-1, eh.
Last Week: 7-8-1, cut me some slack for week 1, will you?
Best Bets: 0-2, did I say best?
BB Last Week: 0-2, unfortunately I did.
Prologue: Well, there goes the bump rule. Will I ever get back all those hours spent hearing and reading the sound & the fury of pre-season coverage about how enforcement of the 5-yard bump rule would radically alter passing, offense, and scoring in the league? The rule went virtually uncalled in Week 1. Instead, rushing was once again king. Even old man Curtis Martin had almost 200 yards on the ground. The league should realize that the drop in scoring comes not from aggressive downfield play by the d-backs, but by an overall team emphasis on defense. Our recent Superbowl winners (Ravens, Bucs, Pats), combined a mediocre offense of quick, high percentage plays, few mistakes, and cheap role players with superb defenses. Success breeds imitation. There are no lack of high-scoring, offense-lead teams in the league, they just ain’t winning the Superbowl. The league should give soft schedules to the likes of the Colts, Vikes, Rams, and other points-first teams and their success will relax the league’s monomaniacal obsession with defense. Or so says I. But enough of my yakkin’, let’s boogie…
Broncos (-3) vs. Jags: The Jags waited until the end of the 4th quarter last week to make any attempt to move the ball, converting three 4th and longs. Here’s a suggestion: maybe the Jaguars should just start each possession on 4th down. Make this damn thing exciting. They can change their game plan to have the punter come in on 1st and short. Talk about confusing the defense! Leftwich ended the game with a passer rating of 46.9 and had Jake The Snake in Arizona-type numbers. With the absence of Quincy Carter, I suppose that Quentin Griffin will assume the mantle of ‘the Q-factor.’ Unfortunately, Quentin’s performance puts to shame the inferences of ineptitude the moniker has come to symbolize. It’s really quite a rebirth for the letter Q. Griffin will shake off any Quentin Compson-style suicidal vacillations and scoot around the clogged Jax middle D-line for big gains outside the hashes. Can’t pass up an opportunity to say ‘scoot,’ can I? Fred Taylor had only 3.6 yards/scoot last week and will have to pick up the slack for Leftwich who will struggle against a solid Broncos secondary that has so much scoot it’s coming out their damn ears.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Steelers (+4) vs. Ravens: ‘Hear the tolling of the bells--/Steel Bells!’ Uh, no wait, I mean, ‘Quoth the Raven, "Baltimore."’ Oh christ, I can’t figure it out! What’s the line on the Lenore vs. Annabel Lee game? I hear that Annabel Lee has a pretty weak secondary if you catch my drift. My drift by the sounding sea! Aha. Well, the Ravens really screwed me last week, putting in a 3-point, 254 net yard performance against a mediocre Browns team. Cleveland bet the bank on stopping Jamal Lewis and won, giving them a total of two banks. Put that in your ATM and deposit it! The Ravens won in almost every statistical category (time of possession, yards, rushing, passing, first downs) yet lost 20-3. Considering that many senior citizens are asleep by 8pm, ‘Prime Time’ has now been moved up to 1pm in an attempt to avoid possible gametime snoozing. Welcome back Deion, we had forgotten how much we missed you until we missed again you last week. Did you really rejoin the NFL or was it just a publicity stunt to promote your new male perfume "Prime Smell Time?" The Steelers blitz will tear Boller apart and the linebackers will contain Lewis. Why am I getting more than a figgie?
Picksgiving: Steelers
Texans (+3) vs. Lions: The Lions managed only 77 yards of rushing last week, but got their first road win since the advent of multi-cellular organisms. They Blocked That Kick!, returned the blocked FG for a TD, and had an endzone INT to hold off the Bears (note that this is probably the only times this season I will write the phrase ‘hold off the Bears,’ unless this fall brings a rash of bear maulings. Note that this will not be the only time I write the phrase ‘rash of bear maulings.’). The Texans (so-called because they are located in Texas. See, given state education statistics, the Texans organization made the correct assumption that most of its fan base was ignorant of which particular state contained Houston) continue their journey through the land of unwatchable games this week. Two pics and two fumbles sucked dry their oil wells last week against the Chargers. Apparently last week’s game in Texas was delayed for 10 minutes in the 4th quarter because of a power outage at Reliant Stadium (Reliant being an energy company, natch). No word on what caused the outage, but you heard it hear first – blame the Saudis! NFL honchos demanded the game be continued despite low light in the stadium, which was a bow to the Texans fans, as inability to see the product on the field kept interest in the team alive. Hey, they’re located in Texas! Hence the name!
Picksgiving: Lions
Colts (+1.5) vs. Titans: You can blame VanderShank all you want, but the Colts were in position for a gimme kick and have only themselves to blame for the sack that put them into missie distance. Why was Peyton Place even dropping back? Why was there no blocking back? Hell, why wasn’t the entire team on the field, jock-jockeys and all, in ‘Max Protect’ (always my favorite name for a blocking scheme, since it sounds like a really snazzy adult diaper) to assure no loss of yardage? I got the push with the Pats mainly through relying on the incompetence of the Colts in any meaningful game, per usual. That said, the Titans played their hurricane washout game in an undisclosed, secure location last week, beating up on the hapless Fins. Anonyback Chris Brown had 100 yards in the first half and then sat. McNair had only 9 completions and it’s tough to say whether the defense was solid or just facing an inept offense. The Colts will always score points and I think it will be more difficult for the Titans to keep up this year. Four of the Colts red-zone visits yielded no points last week. I don’t see that kind of sloppy play happening again, especially against a softer defense than the Pats. The Colts also won both meetings last year. The co-MVPs of last year meet. Whoopity-Do. Why don’t they just add a third person next year? Hell, screw people and include that monkey from the ‘MVP: Most Valuable Primate’ movie. That monkey can forecheck, dude. Oh my god… I direct you to this:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285685/
Note the cast of characters, including one Bob Burnquist. And I wondered how they got that monkey to do such a killer burntwist.
Picksgiving: Colts
Bears (+9) vs. Packers: Ah, points points points. What to do with you? The Pack looked damn good on both sides of the ball last week and the Bears, well, didn’t. But 9 points is a lot, even at home. The Farve hagiography continues unabated. I sometimes ask myself, ‘Is Brett Farve more popular than Jesus Christ?’ Similarly, I ask my pastor, ‘Would Jesus Christ wear a crown of cheese? And if so, what kind of cheese would Jesus wear?’ These are the questions that occupy my day, when I’m not assessing the pros and cons of becoming a professional dog-walker walker. If I could walk the dog walkers while they walk the dogs, I can make a bit of bank on both ends. But I ain’t picking up any crap – dog, person, or otherwise.
Picksgiving: Pack (please don’t give up late points to screw me, pack-men)
Skins (-3) vs. Giants: Excitement grows among the Giant’s faithful as Barry Bonds continues his quest for his 700th home run. Thursday’s game saw him go 3-3 with an RBI but he failed to knock one out of the ballpark. Commenting after the game Bonds… Hold on. What? Huh? Oh, the FOOTBALL Giants. Well I don’t have much to say about them.
Picksgiving: Skins
49ers (+7) vs. Saints: San Francisco looked anemic for much of the game last week against the Falcons, but nearly tied it in the last minute. Rattay may not start, clearing the way for the powerpunch blow of Ken Dorsey, whoever the hell that is. In the last decade, the Saints are 12-25 in September games. It seems like a lot of points, but I expect the Saints will get back on track and maybe I’ll get the push. Here’s the most shocking and gruesome news from the landfall of Hurricane Ivan, from the NYT’s Thursday article: ‘There were more reports of deadly tornadoes that remained to be confirmed. Those who required a cigarette to pass the time or cut the stress had a hard night, having to step into the maelstrom to take a puff.’ A fucking tragedy, what these hurricanes are doing to smokers.
Picksgiving: Saints
Rams (+2.5) vs. Falcons: The Dirty Birds meet the, er, Horny Rams. Atlanta’s secondary was the worst in the league last year and haven’t gotten much better, giving up 272 to the 49ers last week. Quick, name a 49ers WR. No, Jerry Rice doesn’t count.
Picksgiving: Rams
Panthers (+6) vs. Chiefs: The Panther’s lost Steve Smith, had 38 yards rushing and looked overmatched against the Packers. The Chiefs are angry my friend, and after a good helping of firewater and arrowheads, will run run run their way into the endzone.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Seahawks (-3) vs. Bucs: Seattle jets across the country once again to face the reeling Bucs, who managed 30 rushing yards, 169 total yards, and 3 offensive points. That Gruden really is a genius. Instead of Chucky, can we start calling him UpChucky? Even if Alexander doesn’t play, the Bucs will have trouble moving the ball anywhere but backwards, and the Seahawks have enough weapons to score and at least give me the push.
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Browns (+4) vs. Cowboys: This is the first time since 1999 that the Browns are 1-0. They’re really reaching for the stars this year. Having accomplished all they set out to do this season with their 1-0 record, we can expect the Browns to lose the rest of their games. They will declare this season a success, now that they’ve gotten over the curse of that first game. Expect a rebuilding year next year as they tackle their historical problems with Week 2. After getting cremated last week by the Vikes, the ‘Boys will have their ashes mixed into Jerry Jones’s cocktail, which he will consume and then vomit up on the field’s 50-yard line Cowboys star whereupon the team will reform in the shape of a giant lobster and dampen the fire of Cleveland’s rivers. Lobster, Tuna, the snot-verde sea, it’s a whole nautical thing.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Patriots (-8) vs. Cardinals: Wow, only 8? Much as the rabid cheering of a basketball crowd can provide a team with the proverbial ‘6th man,’ I’m expecting the 9,000 fans at the Cards game will provide the a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ to become the proverbial 54th man in this game. Unfortunately for the Cards, the 54th man will be a former carnival worker with 12 toes on one foot clinging to a roster spot as a second-string punter. This game will be his moment to shine. On fourth down. Out of his own endzone. By punting.
Picksgiving: Pats.
Bills (+3.5) vs. Raiders: I think these Bills are being held up in Congress, if you know what I mean. I think these Bills will remain unpaid, if you hear what I’m saying. I think these Bills will not be joining Ted on an ‘excellent adventure,’ if you’re understandin’ the words that are comin’ out of my mouth. I think these Bills will form the beaks of a bunch of lame ducks, if you’re catching what I’m throwing. I think this winning hat ain’t got no bills, if you’re explicating the theses that I am composing. I think I’ll be putting my winnings from this game in my… Billfold, if you’re groovin’ on my pun. I think these Raiders will… uh… does that mascot have an eyepatch?
Picksgiving: Raiders
Jets (-3) vs. Chargers: I’ve long maintained that Drew Brees sounds like a porn-star pseudonym. That being the case, I guess I am forced to say that the name Chad Pennington sounds like an investment-banker pseudonym. I suppose the two occupations have a similar amount of sleaze, as they both make a profession out of screwing people. I apologize, such crudity is uncalled for in the world of football. The Chargers are also called the Bolts. So, Bolts & Jets, eh? Funny how both words are slang for leaving as quickly as possible, considering that’s exactly what I’ll be doing when this game strands itself upon my television like a beached whale. An ugly beached whale at that.
Picksgiving: Jets
Fins (+4.5) vs. Bengals: It’s always fun to imagine the team mascots battling instead of the players. Yes, the dolphin does have a helmet, but that bengal looks mighty pissed off. Yes, the dolphin can jump and do tricks, but that bengal has stripes, which is the perfect camouflage in those jungles composed of orange and black-colored trees. So our QB match-up is Carson vs. A.J., huh? Aren’t those guys detectives in San Diego in a crappy 70s buddy/brother television series? I’m sorry, but I have to include this:
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Bungalow/7691/simonnsimon.html
"They are as different as night and day, but they always work together to get the job done. The bond between them is unbreakable." Well, I guess that says it all. At least until I have the time to read the Simon & Simon fan fiction.
Picksgiving: Bengals
Vikes (+3) vs. Eagles: So T.O. after catching his second touchdown of the day ran to the end of the endzone and flapped his arms like eagle wings. It was strange to see T.O. acting like an eagle and flapping his wings, he’s usually acting like an asshole and flapping his lips. Last week McNabb had 330 yards, 4 TDs, and a rating of 137.5 and Culpepper had 242 yards, 5 TDs, and a rating of 147.1. This should be quite a doozy, and I expect the Eagles are just getting the points because of the home field. And I shall take those points.
Picksgiving: Vikes.
Best Bets (2 per week): Colts, Jets
Errata:
Tom Coughlin Fine of the Week:
On Tuesday Tom Coughlin fined reserve offensive lineman Brandon Winey $500 for breaking team rules by saving the life of a lost insect. The incident occurred in the team’s weight room when Smith, participating in mandatory weight training, discovered an errant ladybug on one of the dumbbells. Realizing that the ladybug had strayed into a windowless room free of sunlight, flora or food, Smith corralled the lost insect and carried it to a hallway window where he released it into back into the outdoors. Word of the incident quickly spread to the disciplinarian Coughlin, who immediately called the lineman into his office and informed him he would be receiving a $500 fine for saving the insect.
"Basically," said Winey, "Coach Couglin told me that the ladybug had strayed into a foodless environment through its own fault and that my letting it out the window didn’t teach the bug the consequences of it’s mistakes. He said when a player misses a block, the opposing team doesn’t just let the ballcarrier run by. They tackle him. And that missed block could ruin the team’s drive, maybe even cost it field position or points. I told him I didn't understand how that related to a bug in the weight room and he fined me another $100 for failure to understand the lesson. So I kept my mouth shut after that.’
Find Deion: Wait, where is he? I don’t see him on the field. Oh, there he is. But the play is over. Was he even playing on that down?
The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
This week: John Elway. Elway currently shills for Prevacid, some kind of anti-indigestion medication. Not to be a giant-killer, but from the popular hagiography, Elway’s clutch play in high-pressure situations is the cornerstone of his myth. But from what Elway is telling me, the man can’t perform the pedestrian feats of food consumption. No offense John (pun very much intended, sir!), but a wombat can eat successfully. If you expect me to believe you’re so clutch at gametime, maybe you shouldn’t be admitting that you fumble up all your food at mealtime. John my man, how can I foist upon you the glories of athletic performance, indomitable will, brute strength, and inhuman coordination when you have to pop a pill after every bowl of bran flakes. Was it the automotive dealership business that ruined your digestion? Or does daddy need a new set of plumbing? It’s tough to throw touchdowns (or hock Chevys) when you starve to death.
Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about the blue line. While the yellow, first-down line was a stroke of computerized genius, the blue line seems to be riding its coattails, like some kind of sad-sack vice presidential candidate, say a Dick Cheney or Spiro Agnew. For one thing, everyone lines up at the line of scrimmage, so I’ve got a pretty good idea of where the damn thing is. Also, ideally, most teams look to advance the ball past where it is currently located. That’s kind of the whole point of the damn game. So why are you showing me this line? Plus, I feel like the graphics on the field are just going to proliferate endlessly. Soon enough we’ll have a ‘average run distance’ line and a ‘possible holding penalty’ line and a ‘intentional grounding line’ and a damn ‘tackle box’ graphic. The robot Pat Summerall is enough in digital doo-dads, let’s leave the damn playing field alone.
Dear ABC NFL Television Production Team,
Max Stat = Max Crap
Thank you, J.J. Bailey
From the Mouth of Knaves (idiocy from the studio):
Whereto Jim Nance? He seems to have kicked it into the booth, leaving Greg Gumble to baby-sit Dan & Boomer and, prepare yourself, Shannon Sharpe. For what it’s worth Shannon Sharpe endeared himself to me first by comparing the Fins QBs to the donut tire you put on your car and secondly by claiming the Cowboys have an odor at 3 positions. Now as a man with the fantasy football team called team smells, I can appreciate any use of the word odor. I also must admit an inclination to reply to Shannon that the CBS pre-game show has an odor at every position. But at least S-squared can smooth the grating double whammy of Dan’s meathead self-love and Boomer’s Howie-like faux intellectual gravitas.
I didn’t get a chance to watch the studio work of the Fox yokels because an audio quirk on my tv/stereo (sorry, I mean my ‘home theater’) made Terry Bradshaw’s voice boom out at the type of exaggerated volume one associates with the voice of God. Well, a drunk redneck with too many head injuries kind of God that is.
Dhani Jones: The Thinker?
Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
I don’t know if it was all the off-season talk about implementing the bump rule or what, but this seems to be the year of the referee. Maybe with just about everything in the ol’ U.S. going down toilet, it becomes natural to center your commercials on an authority figure like the referee. Of course many of these commercials make the refs out to be bumbling, clown-like figures. Or at least bumbling, clown-like figures that really need to go potty. Whatever the case, the figure of the ref seems to have captured a certain zeitgeist, as he appears in a number of commercials.
Congrats Budweiser on the first outright misogynist commercial of the year, in which an incensed football coach is screaming at a ref on the sideline as the ref ignores him and watches the play on the field. How does the ref maintain his dispassion in the face of such screaming and abuse? Why, he gets practice at home of course, where his naggy, demon-woman shrew wife screams into his face over his breakfast cereal. Classy, Budweiser, real classy.
Another Budweiser ref-related commercial has a ref come out onto the field to explain his ruling on a coach’s challenge. The voices from the booth tell us that the ref has taken an unusually long time making his decision. After announcing his call, the ref trots off and the camera zooms in on the bit of toilet paper clinging to his show. The implication is that the ref wasn’t deliberating over a challenged call, but actually in the potty making poo. I really don’t understand this commercial whatsoever. Refs don’t go inside the stadium to make a call, they watch a video screen on the sideline. Is Budweiser suggesting that this ref just defecated publicly? And what in God’s name do refs, challenges, or #2s have to do with beer? Did too much Budweiser force the ref into an emergency bathroom break? There’s a wonderful association for your product. Hey, drink Budweiser, it’ll give you the shits right in the middle of work!
The Stadium Scene:
Blackhawk flyover (Jets game). Oh golly gee-whiz, I’m incredibly impressed by the extremely slow flyover of a troop-movement aircraft! Hell, why don’t they just get the radar planes to circle the stadium? Or maybe the re-fueling aircraft can buzz the parking lot. Or better yet, get some of those predator drones to do a flyover. Maybe they can fire some t-shirt rockets at us! Seriously, we demand fighter aircraft! Anything less will not be tolerated. If I wanted to see some slow, unthreatening military equipment, I’d go see Wesley Clarke speak. The Blackhawk flyover was pathetic. I’m surprised one of the choppers didn’t get felled by a drunk fan throwing an empty beercan at it. Blackhawk down on 4th & goal! Better send in a real aircraft!
Footballweb:
http://www.brianurlacher.com/coloringbook.shtml
Hey kids, grab your crayons and get ready to do some coloring, li’l Picassos! First, you can color Urlacher carrying the football for a loss of 3. Yes he plays linebacker, but given his celebrity and the awfulness of the Bears offense, Urlacher now plays at tailback too! Just like ‘The Fridge,’ except Urlacher gains fewer yards! Next you can color Urlacher trotting off the field after yielding yet another score to his opponent. Make sure to color his head/helmet-area as he looks upfield to acknowledge yet another taunt of ‘Scoreboard’ from the opposing team. And finally, color Urlacher as he waits in the classic linebacker stance. Unfortunately, the ball was snapped a few seconds ago, and the play has already moved past him down the sideline. For verisimilitude, make sure to add a tiny running back in the back ground running for the touchdown, and also make sure to get out your red crayons and put little red dots all over Urlacher’s body to remind everyone of his brief liaison last year with Paris Hilton. Remember kids, have fun!
Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Rams vs. Falcons (Played on legend mode, because I’m convinced that my ps2 football prowess has made me a legend far and wide throughout the incredibly small land of my 1 bedroom apartment).
During the second quarter I was busy saving a baby from a burning building and the computer chose my defensive formation for me, leading to a computer touchdown, a computer endzone dance, and a human throwing an empty Budweiser tallboy can at an antiquated television set. Pass completed.
In the third quarter, I was on the phone with the New England Patriots regarding an offensive consultant position they have offered me after hearing about my prowess in PS2 football. Unfortunately, during heated contractual negotiations involving my demands for 24-hour whirlpool bath access, two sideline play-calling radio headsets (one for my head, one specially designed to be worn over my groin), and full ownership of the jersey number 69, I incurred 4 consecutive delay-of-game penalties after not choosing an offensive play. In attempting to make up the lost yardage with the ‘chuck it deep’ strategy, the computer intercepted an errant pass and returned it for a touchdown. A different, though completely accurate pass, returned the PS2 dual-shock controller to its original state of multiple component pieces.
With a new quarterback in the form of the one still-functioning PS2 controller, the Falcons (me, aka Team Awesome) drove 62 yards for the score. Touchdown dance circle button = the cabbage patch. Better eat your cabbage, game console!
Pending an engagement with Nike to discuss a sponsorship deal, the game was left playing while performance-enhancing alcoholic beverages were procured from the fridge and certain performance-enhancing toxins were inhaled into the lungs. Once again, the default defense was activated due to the absence of the guiding hand of the first virtual football hall-of-famer (me). The default defense allowed yet another computer-team touchdown. Much non-virtual shouting and table-banging elucidated the opinion that the default defense was, in fact, at fault.
Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies):
Well the Superbowl halftime Janet Jackson booby fines are finally in. The FCC has decided to fine each of the 20 stations owned by CBS $27,500 for a total fine of $550,000. Considering 90 million people saw the Superbowl (though, for what it’s worth, I’d say a very small percentage of them saw the halftime crapfest), the fine works out to a payment of about 6/10th of one cent for each viewer. Hello? CBS? Yes, I’ll be taking my portion of the fine in Euros, please. Hello FCC, I am a viewer of football and I would like to be paid the equivalent of 6/10th of one cent for being forced to view Dan Marino flex his arm and point to his bicep. Thank you.
In Other News:
You can only hold people’s interest in certain news topics for so long. Hell, look at the election. But I feel a similar weariness coming on with all these hurricanes. There’s just no ‘pop’ to a Hurricane Frances. If they really want to keep these hurricanes newsworthy they need to think of some new, exciting ways to depict them. Maybe they could use new categories. Instead of a Category 4 hurricane (which means nothing to 99.9% of people), they could start categorizing them by the amount of destruction they are expected to do. We could have Category Double-Wide Crusher Hurricane Steve, or Category Basement Flooder Hurricane Jill or Category Assisted Living Hurricane Betty or Category Mullet Dampener Hurricane Ron. Or maybe try to convince people that these hurricanes, with their attendant tornadoes and water spouts, when passing over the Caribbean, have sucked up lots of sharks and barracudas which are swirling around in the storm and which could come squirting out far, far inland and attack you in your own home. Something, anything to give this weather a little ‘buzz!’
I saw a new promo spot for Survivor. Now I’ve never seen this show, but after all the shots of jungle and fire and tribesmen and sacrificial animals I had to ask myself: Is this Survivor: Apocalypse Now? And if so, can you please inform me of the challenges involving Marlon Brando. These could be very entertaining, considering he’s dead and all.
This week a Federal Advisory Committee (like they do anything in government these days) released recommendations that antidepressants contain severe warnings for children and adolescents about suicide risks. Apparently children on antidepressants have a much higher rate of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Well those are some successful medications, huh? But I see a marketing opening here for the drug companies. Maybe they can start advertising these pills with an animated Grim Reaper. Hell, maybe they could develop a whole Saturday morning cartoon series, like ‘GraveStone SquarePants’ or the ‘Cemetary Rats’ or ‘Yu Gi Dead.’ At the very least, they should stop calling these medications antidepressants and start calling them pro-thantosants
Next week: Choice cuts from NFL-related leadership books. Lessons to lead your team downfield for the last second score to win the Superbowl. Wait a second, all you do is tinker with spreadsheets!
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