Block That Kick!
Friday, September 24, 2004
Week 3
The Holy Winity of Football
Overall: 13-18-1, yeah but all 13 are divisional wins.
Last Week: 6-10, a shout out to all those faves who won & didn’t cover: boo.
Best Bets: 2-2, clawing my way to the middle.
BB Last Week: 2-0, well I got something right.
Prologue: Here come the (cue echo/reverb voice) MONSTER SPREADS! Watch as they crush small, early-model vehicles. Watch as they attempt to jump 15 dump trucks only to miss the far ramp, flip over, and catch on fire. Watch as their comically large tires drive over tragically small tires. Watch as they tear-ass around the mud-filled Civic Center! So it’s only week 3 and already we get three double-digit spreads and four above 9. What gives? Should a team like the Broncos (1-1 with no TDs last game) really be getting 10 points? Or the Seahawks? The ambivalence – and let’s face it, ignorance – of week 1 has worn off and the oddsmasters seem to be getting caught up in the emergence of pre-season predictions. I had to sell my encyclopedia to support my highlighter-sniffing addiction, but I’d place a wager that the underdogs have a distinct advantage when going up against such large numbers. Sure the Cards are 30th in run defense, play terribly indoors, and look to be one of the worst teams in the league; but they played the Rams and Patriots close and have taken advantage of their opponent’s sloppy play. And the Chiefs defense should never be getting more than a touchdown. At this point in the season, Vegas gets lazy and the anointed teams are given way too many points because the bad teams of the league look so terrible. But in reality, games are often decided on fluke turnovers, big scores, and points scored or allowed in garbage time, letting bad teams stay close enough to screw all those who gamble too heavily on home faves trying to cover big numbers. Yes, there are still blowouts, but beware the double-digit points! They are the walking dead! And why are you taking that knee with 55 seconds left and only an 8-point lead! You could kick a short figgie to cover, dammit! I’ve got children to feed here! Sorta. I mean, not children specifically, but people! People who want snacks & beer! People like me!
Steelers (+1) vs. Dolphins: Are you there God? It’s me, indifference. Feely gets his first home start, and Roethlisberger (why do I get the feeling that’s the name of some kind of high-priced cheese?) will get the start for the Steelers. It ain’t exactly Manning-Farve here. It’s somewhere along the line of Ray Lucas-Kordell Stewart. Will A.J. be Feelying the love of the home crowd? (Wow, that pun actually grew old before I even used it). Unlikely. As I continue to predict, oracle-like, the Fins will be this season’s Oedipus-level tragedy. Yes, the Fins will Sophoclose. And the sphinx will have the mustache of a Dave Wannstedt on the meathead of a Dan Marino. Considering the Fins ran the ball for 25 yards last week, maybe they’ll try to punt it to their running backs. Sure, the Steelers offense has looked questionable (you don’t wow the league with that 5 carry, 1 yard, 3 touchdown line, Bus) and have a rookie QB starting, but good defense, a couple of big plays from their far superior receiving core, and special teams will get the win. Miami should never be giving up points here.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Jaguars (+6) vs. Titans: The Jaguars exist as about the ugliest 2-0 on the planet. Their 2-0 is so ugly that when it was born the doctor took a look at it and spanked its parents. Their 2-0 is so ugly that it scares away the roaches. Their 2-0 is so ugly that if ugly were bricks it’d have its own projects. Their 2-0 is so ugly the psychiatrist makes it lie face down. Their 2-0 is so ugly that when it sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury it. And so on. The Jags have won with a last-second pass against the Bills and a 7-6 squeeker (aka crapfest) against the Broncos. The Jags have two touchdowns so far this season, both passes to rookie Ernest Wilford and both his only career receptions. Clearly the Jags offense revolves around the play of Ernest Wilford. You simply can’t stop Ernest Wilford, you can only hope to contain him... from getting one damn reception. The gamble here is whether the Jags defense can keep the Titans off the board… and the Jags offense off the field! (Stop me, I've gone ellipsis crazy!) The Titans have the defense to frustrate the Jags, and the offense to put up points. At home, they should win by a TD. Lay the points.
Picksgiving: Titans
Browns (+3) vs. Giants: Well the Giants finally won a game. Here are some interesting stats: it was the Giants first win after 9 straight losses. It was Kurt Warner’s first win as a starter in 961 days. It was Tom Coughlin’s first win as a coach in 643 days. The seven forced turnovers were the most by a Giants team in 18 years. The number of hot dogs sold in the stadium on gameday was the fewest since the Bovine Spongiform Encephahotdogity scare of the mid-90s. The number of DUIs issued in the parking lot was the most since Giants Stadium’s unfortunate "Lawrence Taylor Official Snowcone" promotion. Anyhoo, yes the Giants won, but they won by less than a touchdown even with 17 points off of 7 turnovers. That’s not good. On the other side of the field: What can brown do for you? ‘Exit my lower intestine,’ is what I think when I hear that terrible ad line. The color brown is most frequently associated with human (or, here in New York, primarily canine) feces. Apparently UPS is quite happy to have customers associate their product with excrement. And before we continue, no, I don’t want to have any idea how those shorts fit into this paradigm. So what can the Browns do for you? Well, not much actually. They can take your delivery and throw it in a river, as long as it isn’t intercepted before it reaches the river. Today’s Browns can provide a few field goals (the Browns have 2 TDs in 2 games), maybe a few yards (the Browns had 202 net yards and gave up 441 last week), and one Jeff Garcia, whose quarterback rating in week 2’s game was a stellar 0.0. Snake Eyes! Needless to say, as a player with goose eggs for a QB rating after throwing for 71 yards and 3 INTs, it is absolutely mandatory that Garcia be on my fantasy team. Is this a fantasy or is it… a nightmare! (No, I can't be... stopped!) Can the Browns regroup? Was the Giants win for real? Huh, let me think, no and no. The obligatory 3-pt home spread. Take the points, I guess. I promise nothing.
Picksgiving: Browns
Ravens (-3) vs. Bengals: So far, teams have figured out how to stop the rushing onslaught of Jamal Lewis. Indict him in a large-scale cocaine-dealing ring! Just kidding. Truth is that teams are just piling every damn player they have into the box to stop him and hope they don’t get beat by the pass. So far it’s working as Lewis is averaging fewer than 60 yards per game and those two games were against the leagues’ 18th & 28th ranked rush defenses. Of course, the Bengals gave up 281 to Lewis in two games last year, so whether they can accomplish stopping him is questionable. But when Deion Sanders has been lining up at WR, you know you passing game isn’t just in the toilet, but your passing game is actually manufacturing many different sized toilets and putting them inside each other, Russian-doll style. The Ravens tough secondary will hold off Cincy’s passing attack, and Rudi has yet to get the rush game really going. Sloppy play by the Bengals, and Ravens defensive turnovers/scores will make the difference. It’ll be low-scoring and horrible to watch, an ample description of anything involving these two teams. Ravens by a FG.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Texans (+7.5) vs. Chiefs: The Texans can now lay claim to the dubious honor of losing to the Chargers and the Lions. The Texans have also given up 4 fumbles (all by Domanick Davis) and 3 INTs and now must head to Arrowhead, one of the league’s tougher stadiums. But the battle of the stats is between the Texans league-worst turnover differential of –6 and the Chief’s league-worst points/game allowed of 31.0. It’s tough to imagine the Chiefs going 0-3, but 9 pts is a hell of a lot of points to cover with one of the worst defenses in all of football. Then again, I don’t like my money riding on a young QB like Carr who is married and loves God. The point of spending your whole life preparing to be a pro QB is that, once there, you take advantage of the orgy of women & drugs that are your pro-QB-given right. I’m sure Carr is an upstanding kid. But football glory promises that once you achieve the QB position, you no longer need the missionary position. Good lord, David Carr! Get thee to a Hootersry! Priest on one side and God-loving David on the other side. What is this, church? Have they hit me up for money yet? If only the mendicants on the street could get some fancy collection plates, then they could call begging ‘religion.’ Maybe then Bush would give them some money for once. Houston lost by 12 pts last week against an inferior Lions team. I was thinking of going Chiefs until "the diaper controversy" erupted in the Chiefs camp (nothing better than getting ‘diaper’ and ‘erupted’ into the same sentence). Priest Holmes might be hurt and coach Vermeil told his backup, Larry Johnson, that if we were going to play he needs to "take the diapers off." The league has yet to rule on whether diapers are an official part of the uniform, so the Texans are not sure how to tackle him. Also, a five-second delay has been added to all Chiefs games in the event of a ‘diaper malfunction.’ Johnson apparently took offense to Vermeil dissing his swaddling clothes. He should consider himself lucky, Tom Coughlin would have fined the diaper by now. I was leaning Chiefs, but I never bet on the diaper, dude, be it on or off.
Picksgiving: Texans
Saints (+7) vs. Rams: Last week the faltering Saints (this just in: Coach Haslett will be Coach Has-been-lett-go by the end of the season) drove down the field at the end of the game to beat the hapless 49ers. The Rams, on the other hand, lost by 17 to the Falcons. The Rams are playing their first game in St. Louis, and the Saint arrive without the services of Deuce McAllister. I’m hesitant to give 7 points to a Rams team that beat the lowly Cardinals by 7, but who knows what to do with the Saints. The Saints certainly aren’t marching in, they’re more just sort of walking in place or maybe shuffling in circles, dazed and disoriented. This is one of those games where I let the tealeaves decide. Or bet on the movement of the odds, which, let me check, haven’t changed all week. Fine, I’ll take the points, I’m just beyond caring about either of these teams.
Picksgiving: Saints
Bears (+9) vs. Vikings: The Vikes beat the Cowboys by 18 points, and the Cowboys have a far superior defense. The Vikes might have a weak secondary, but who on the Bears is going to take advantage of that? Will Mike Ditka take so many erection pills that his member is declared an eligible receiver? Grossman is a pretty accurate description of the Bears passing game so far this season, it’s gross, man (explication possibly unnecessary, I apologize for that). King Rex might be far, far from the throne with his 53.3 passer rating, but some of the fault should be on the Bears receiving corps. I would name names but I can’t remember the name of a single one of them. Shockingly, Thomas Jones is having a pretty good year with the Bears with 219 yards and 3 TDs. Oh hey, look at that, the Bears leading receiver is also one Thomas Jones, with 7 receptions. Is he kicking the damn field goals too? The Vikes were embarrassed in Philly last week, getting only one TD in garbage time and fumbling 3 times and throwing one INT. They return home and look to beat up on the Bears. Besides, imagine a battle between Vikings and Bears. Vikings pillage and burn and destroy. Bears enjoy honey and rubbing their butts against tree trunks. No contest. Beware not the points, for the Vikings will knock the points down and then set the points on fire and then steal the points’ women.
Picksgiving: Vikings.
Eagles (-4.5) vs. Lions: Dear Detroit Lions, Congratulations on being 2-0. It must be a very exciting time in the life of your franchise. Hell, three years ago you won only 2 games the entire season. And as I remember, last year you lost every single road game. So that week 1 win in Houston must have been especially thrilling, even if it was against the Texans. However, I have a bit of bad news. Lions, you suck.
Picksgiving: Eagles
Cardinals (+10) vs. Falcons: The Cardinals really need to jazz the shit out of their bird logo. Maybe they don’t need to go as far as the Falcons with all the motion effects and hard angles and Arena-league-level crap, but it definitely needs some spice. Maybe I can make a few suggestions: first off, night-vision goggles. I realize they might be useless for a bird, but does a dolphin have the need for a helmet I ask? And everything, simply everything, looks cooler in night-vision goggles. While you’re at it, give that bird a sniper rifle. Or an RPG or a Predator drone. Hell anything, we’re at war here (or so I’m told 8 trillion times a day), so military-chic is in this season. Tell that cardinal to grab a bazooka and get to the huddle. Plus, look at the expression on the Cardinals face. Is that supposed to be an expression of determination and grit? It looks more to me like the Cardinal is getting a hernia examination or just got news of the mortgage foreclosure on his nest. Pissed off and threatening is not what I think of when I look at this Cardinal. I think of constipation and/or defeat. The Cards were last in points scored and points allowed last season, but even with the loss of their number one receiver they have given both the Rams and the Pats a run for their money in the last two weeks. Cards: 14 game losing streak. But in the end, the Falcons (possibly w/o starting back Warrick Dunn) just haven’t proven their ability enough to give up double-digit point spreads, especially after barely holding off the 49ers, and letting the Rams back into last week’s game after establishing a 17 point lead. And I’ve consistently picked against the Falcons and they keep right on winning. Hell if I’m going to break that streak!
Picksgiving: Cardinals
Chargers (+10) vs. Broncos: What kind of moron is giving 10 points to a Broncos team that couldn’t score a single touchdown last week. I don’t care that they’re at Mile High or InsuranceCo or the big IUD or whatever the hell it’s called. This is a team that lost 7-6 despite keeping the Jags 1 for 10 on third down conversions. How do you win in week 1 in Arrowhead then lose in week 2 in Jax? Meanwhile the Chargers have scored 27 & 28 points in their two games this year. Brees continues to have problems After being #1 off the fantasy waiver wire in week 1, in week 2, at one point in the 3rd quarter, he had thrown as many interceptions as completions. The 3rd quarter! Yikes. In his defense, Brees did suffer a helmet-to-helmet blow and stayed in the game. Here are his comments after the game: "I was a little woozy, but I knew I was playing in a football game." Well sorry, Drew, but we’re looking for a little more than that. Like maybe a completion to your own team or something. Hell, I knew you were playing in a football game too, and I wasn’t even there!
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Packers (+6) vs. Colts: Packers, you lost to the Bears at home. You are hereby banished from any consideration for the Superbowl. In last week’s game, Thomas Jones carried 23 times for 152 yards. Hey Packers, there’s problem number one! In the six-play drive to start the third quarter, Jones accounted for all 79 yards including a 1-yard touchdown run to put the Bears ahead 21-3. Hey Packers, there’s problem number two! At least the Pack faithful booed Mike McKenzie upon his quote-unquote return. The Edge may be out (a shocking development, really), but Rhodes should fill in amply. The Pack just can’t afford mistakes (I’m looking at you, Ahman Green) and the Colts have proven they can put numbers on the board and come from behind in big games. Their defense might be suspect, and this could turn into a shootout, but the Colts should win with a late touchdown.
Picksgiving: Colts
49ers (+10) vs. Seahawks: ‘Caw! Caw!’ go the Seahawks as they swoop to 2-0 and get the pleasure of facing the muddled 49ers this week. It is yet to be seen whether the 49ers will be able to move the ball downfield with its group of superstar receivers like Some Dude and Other Guy and That Person. Hopefully the 49ers defense can keep them close as the 49ers offense has outgained its opponents in its last two games, both lost both in the final minutes. This is also a classic letdown game for the Seahawks, as they had to travel to New Orleans and Tampa the last two weeks and could get caught napping now that they are back home. In their nest. Taking a nap. The Seahawks have a 9-game home winning streak, but I just can’t give up 10 points when the ‘dog 49ers have kept games close against similarly talented teams. There’s gold in them there nests!
Picksgiving: 49ers
Bucs (+3) vs. Raiders: ARRR, Matey!! It’s the battle of the pirates. Expect knives to be drawn, mustaches waxed, and parrots affixed to shoulders. For verisimilitude, each team should board a schooner and attempt to row it down the field while lobbing footballs, shouting jeers, and performing taunting celebration dances towards one other. The one thing that’s certain about this game is that I’ll be wearing my eye patch while watching. Which team am I supporting? Why, larceny on the high seas, of course! But seriously, wasn’t this the damn Superbowl match-up two years ago. These teams have fallen faster than a Brad Johnson pass attempt. The Bucs offense couldn’t score in Tijuana. The defense is trying to keep them in games, but pirates don’t win by holing up and stopping the run. Here’s Gruden on the team’s slow start: ""I don't have very many friends today, OK. I've got my wife, my dad who is a consultant, and I've got these players," Gruden said. "You find out who your real friends are when you get beat in a humbling, humiliating fashion." Well, not to point out the obvious, Chucky, but your real friends are you wife and dad, and they probably don’t even like you. In the last couple of weeks, the pre-game shows have been a parade of players complaining about Gruden’s handling of personnel. Now I don’t put much faith in the demented ramblings and recriminations of the Keenan McCardells & Warren Sapps of the league, but something stink in Tampa and it ain’t the foreign tourist at Disneyland. The Bucs have a 38-year old returning punts. Lucky for the Bucs, there’s no shortage of elderly people to draw upon in South Florida, so come the off-season expect the Bucs to jettison many of their inexperienced younger players and draw heavily from the talent pool of Florida’s semi-pro Assisted Living Football League ("The ALFL: doping not just allowed, but necessary to field a team!" or "The ALFL: no penalties for walker-to-walker contact!" Plus, the ALFL would fit right in with the NFL’s "Lombardi-from-beyond-the-grave" promo campaign). Here’s a nod to Jerry Rice, whose streak of games with a caught pass ended at 274. He only had one ball thrown to him all day. Rice said after the game, "It's all right. It happens. Life goes on. I'll just start another one and get another 200." Holy fountain of youth, Batman, what is this league turning into! I know we’re all just waiting for the Baby Boomer retirement to cripple everything from electoral politics to the nation’s entitlement programs (if not its fundamental solvency), but who knew they were already planning their assault upon our very national sports leagues! Imagine if… Oh, I’ve said too much about this game already. It’s the Bucs-Raiders after all.
Picksgiving: Raiders
Cowboys (+2.5) vs. Redskins: Tuna v. Gibbs. We have been reduced to this – some gauzy, nostalgia-tinged, former glory, vintage hoo-ha hoopla. Far too many articles about the ‘rebirth’ (sponsored by Cialis, natch) of this rivalry have focused on both teams’ reliance upon old-time ‘smash-mouth’ football. The only mouth-related activity by the teams involves coughing, as in coughing up the dang ol’ pigskin. Fumbles, interceptions, and general crummy play aren’t going to do much to revive whatever sparkle existed in the heyday of the NFC East. But, beyond the hype, this is an important divisional game for each team, both sitting at 1-1. The Cowboys defense has lost the luster of last year, and with the absence of any running game, Vinny GreenBalls will again be forced to throw it, oh, about a million times. Unfortunately for him, it’s against a strong Skins secondary that will provide the turnovers & stops to get the offense back on the field. Give it to Portis. Skins can cover a figgie at home.
Picksgiving: Redskins.
bye: Bills, Panthers, Patriots, Jets
Best Bets (2 per week): Saints, Chargers – go doggies go!
Errata:
*Out of Bounds (football between the pages):
Selected Chapter Titles from ‘Think Like A Champion: Building Success One Victory at a Time’ by Mike Shanahan
2) Sacrificing: To Get Where You Need to Go
(misplaced colon: #1)
5) Understanding: Your Strengths and Weaknesses
(misplaced: colon #2)
7) Believing: Success Comes in Cans, not in Cannots
(okay fine, but are they tallboy cans?)
13) Risk Taking: Shooting the Roll of Your Life
(I’m doing what to the roll now?)
John Gruden’s ‘Do You Love Football?: Winning with Heart, Passion, and Not Much Sleep’
This book can be summed up with this one passage:
‘By week ten, week eleven, these guys start to get the long eyes and it becomes tough for them to get up for practice on Wednesday or Thursday. So when I spot one of them in the hall, instead of just saying hello or nodding my head, I’ll get kind of a crazy look on my face and ask, "Do you love football? Do you? Do you love football? Do you love it? You do, don’t you? I know you love football."
Advice from Terry Bradshaw from his book "Keep it Simple"
On relationships:
"It wasn’t any of my wives’ fault that I married them."
On defense:
"I was being attacked by the worst of all combinations: a salesman, my daughters, and a puppy."
On golf & religion:
"Who among us has never cheated on a golf course? Put your hand down, Jesus."
On memory:
"Do I remember signing one autograph several decades ago? Not hardly. I can barely remember the first chapter of this book."
On the opposite sex:
"She asked me if I had any questions. ‘Just one,’ I said. ‘You got any Demerol?’"
*Tom Coughlin Fine of the Week:
"I don't fine players. They fine themselves."
-- Tom Coughlin in his interview with Greg Gumble
This week WR Ike Hilliard fined himself $1000 dollars for being fined $1000 by Tom Coughlin for arriving late to a meeting that did not take place. Coughlin, a known disciplinarian, insisted that players be present for meetings, whether they take place or not. He also insisted that players fine themselves for all violations of rules they are aware of and for violations of rules that haven’t yet been devised. Hilliard, upon fining himself for unknown infractions, went to Coughlin’s office to profess innocence and confusion at how he could fine himself for actions he hadn’t committed in violations of rules that didn’t exist. Coughlin told him to take his complaints and "stuff them into a sock." Coughlin then had Hilliard fine himself an additional $1000 when the complaints were stuffed into a white sock, not a black sock as Coughlin hadn’t specified.
*Highlights from this week’s PS2 game simulation:
Steelers vs. Dolphins (Played on rookie mode because, well, do you see which teams are playing here!).
Early in its first possession, the computer (controlling the Dolphins) puts a man in motion towards the weak side. The pass is complete to an uncovered receiver who sprints to the endzone untouched. Computer touchdown. In response, I put a ceramic ashtray in motion towards the PS2.
With time running out in the first half, the Steelers Deuce Staley (controlled by yours truly), finds a hole in the line and breaks through the defense. After gaining 65 yards, Staley is caught by the computer-controlled Fins saftey, tackled, and promptly fumbles the ball; frantic button mashing turns to frantic controller mashing turns to frantic coffee table mashing turns to enraged PS2 mashing.
After brilliant play on my part, my Steelers are down by only 4 points with the ball and one minute remaining. Tommy Maddox’s pass is tipped at the line and intercepted by the Dolphins, sealing the computer’s victory. Thus the actions of the Playstation2 lead to my apartment becoming Curse Station #1.
*Find Deion:
In Week 2 it was especially difficult to find Deion because, according to him, he was hiding behind his ‘head thing.’ After returning a punt 23 yards (his first non-DB play as a Raven), Deion was fined 15 yards for removing his helmet in celebration. But wait! "It wasn't me celebrating," Sanders insisted. "To be honest with you, that head thing came down over my eyes the last 10 yards ... my instinct was to get this thing off of my eyes." Now maybe Deion is referring to the slow creep of senility as he ages, or maybe his body is so old that it is decomposing, zombie-like, and his forehead is slipping down over his eyes; otherwise, Prime Time, it’s called a helmet. I now you’ve been out of the game for a while, but it’s a rather common term. Helmet. Please remember. And for future reference, the game you play is called football. Purist may argue that the game you yourself play is called something else, but generally the sport is called football. File it away.
It also might have been difficult to find Deion during gameplay because he was so far behind Plaxico Burress in coverage. Needless to say, Tommy Maddox bailed him out by overthrowing the pass.
[Editing Note: Next week’s ‘Find Deion’ may be suspended due to Deion injuring his hamstring in the first half and leaving the game. Hopefully a replacement can be found. Maybe ‘Find the New Orleans Saints?’]
*When You Dance (TD celebrations):
Joe Horn, after catching a TD pass this week, imitated swinging a golf club. I was left speechless. Here’s a star of one of the most physically demanding (not to mention crippling) sports in the world paying tribute to a sport that includes such tubbies and drunks as Duffy ‘The Walrus’ Waldorf and John ‘Beer Bloat’ Daly. Joe Horn, you should be ashamed of yourself. Your paean to the cellular industry was an act of genius compared to your pathetic touchdown golf swing. You definitely impressed the geriatric demographic that watches The Golf Channel. You can expect that endorsement contract from Big Bertha any day now. What next? Is Terrell Owens going to start signing footballs for his swing instructor? Are players going to start lining up imaginary putts after they score? Or mime teeing up a ball when they get a sack? Pathetic. Don’t worry, Joe, you’ll have plenty of time to golf in those 2 years between retirement and the time you’re hobbled by all your old football injuries. Enjoy!
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters): Dr. Phil made a supposed ‘house call’ (aw, isn’t that cute) to the CBS pre-game. This was utterly shameless on the part of CBS, as Dr. Phil has some new show or book or website or anal suppository ("Dr Phil: healing relationships AND rectums") or whatever to promote. By the way, CBS, I’m sure Dr. Phil will draw in that coveted 18-34 demo that the ‘Tiffany’ network so craves. Here are some of the words of wisdom of Dr. Phil: "These are men." "He’s been watching." "It’s all about perception." "He’s gone." Complex sentences are difficult for Dr. Phil. He no talk good. He heal good. Needless to say, Dr. Phil felt it necessary to wander outside his normal area of moronic, idiotic advice and provide a bit of super-moronic, uber-idiotic advice related to football, opining that the Redskins would be 2-0. Hey Dr. Phil, your advice is about as reliable as your hair growth.
*From the Mouth of Knaves (idiocy from the studio):
Shannon Sharpe has some classic lines this week. You have to wonder if he starts composing these things on Monday and just sits around all week feeling tingly about the chance to wow Marino with a zinger. Please don’t remind Shay-Shay that people with multiple head injuries are his best audience! But S-Squared’s overdone, opportunistic one-liner showboating is starting to wear thin. First, here’s Sharpe on the reliability of his advice: "If I tell you grass will turn to cheese, start hustling crackers!" That’s funny, Shay-Shay, because you’ve become quite grating. Get it? I made a joke. Just like Shay-Shay! And here’s Sharpe on whether he could play for Tom Coughlin: ""I would rather die in an abandoned building, by myself and my family not know anything, than play for him." Hey, don’t worry Shannon, much of the viewing public would like the same thing!
I was also subject to the humiliating sight of Terry Bradshaw ‘interviewing’ Michael Vick. When in God’s name did interviewing someone devolve into the process of asking someone to declare a preference between such things as sitting or standing. It’s ridiculous. Terry’s best question was to ask Vick whether he raps or sings to ‘his lady,’ rapping being illustrated by Bradshaw with a series of coughs, sputters, spits, and raspberries which he must have thought sounded like the human beatbox of hip-hop. Nothing racist about that, Terry! Those negroes sure to make and enjoy some funny noises! Nothing like gospel. That’s good music for God-fearin’ white folk. I don’t always catch the Fox studio broadcast, but each time I do I scold myself for missing the opportunity to watch some of the most insulting and horrifying moments in television history. Maybe Howie can use his superhuman brainpower to help me understand it all.
*Videodrome (comments on the football telecast): Thurston Long Outside the Huddle: cartoon crap. Has anyone else seen this thing? I’m not sure if it’s against FCC regulation to show actual cartoon crap on television, but if not, then CBS is sure as hell trying. After this abomination of cartoon players running amok in televised pandemonium played, Boomer for once summed it up by saying "So that’s where all of Deion’s money went." Let it be known that this segment may never be televised again, and a Google search for it brings back nothing.
*Footballweb:
In our never ending quest for as much T.O. as we can provide to you the reader, might we direct you here:
http://www.terrellowens.com/photo/details.php?image_id=562
Fly like an eagle, baby. Now that’s what I call a touchdown! Uh, except it’s over water. Uh, and some dorky dude is using a damn pole to pull you over to the lamaze mat by the pool. T.O., that’s weak. Water? Is T.O. a fraidy-cat? Next time, jump off a bridge or something. Uh, and don’t worry about the cord, you’ll land fine.
And a special congrats to T.O.’s tailgate picture winner:
http://www.terrellowens.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=5945&st=0&#entry52566
Wow, a T.O. jersey AND a fake eagle’s beak. Fandom never looked so, uh, frightening.
[Forgive us our typos as we forgive those who typo against us]
¶ 11:55 AM 0 comments
The Holy Winity of Football
Overall: 13-18-1, yeah but all 13 are divisional wins.
Last Week: 6-10, a shout out to all those faves who won & didn’t cover: boo.
Best Bets: 2-2, clawing my way to the middle.
BB Last Week: 2-0, well I got something right.
Prologue: Here come the (cue echo/reverb voice) MONSTER SPREADS! Watch as they crush small, early-model vehicles. Watch as they attempt to jump 15 dump trucks only to miss the far ramp, flip over, and catch on fire. Watch as their comically large tires drive over tragically small tires. Watch as they tear-ass around the mud-filled Civic Center! So it’s only week 3 and already we get three double-digit spreads and four above 9. What gives? Should a team like the Broncos (1-1 with no TDs last game) really be getting 10 points? Or the Seahawks? The ambivalence – and let’s face it, ignorance – of week 1 has worn off and the oddsmasters seem to be getting caught up in the emergence of pre-season predictions. I had to sell my encyclopedia to support my highlighter-sniffing addiction, but I’d place a wager that the underdogs have a distinct advantage when going up against such large numbers. Sure the Cards are 30th in run defense, play terribly indoors, and look to be one of the worst teams in the league; but they played the Rams and Patriots close and have taken advantage of their opponent’s sloppy play. And the Chiefs defense should never be getting more than a touchdown. At this point in the season, Vegas gets lazy and the anointed teams are given way too many points because the bad teams of the league look so terrible. But in reality, games are often decided on fluke turnovers, big scores, and points scored or allowed in garbage time, letting bad teams stay close enough to screw all those who gamble too heavily on home faves trying to cover big numbers. Yes, there are still blowouts, but beware the double-digit points! They are the walking dead! And why are you taking that knee with 55 seconds left and only an 8-point lead! You could kick a short figgie to cover, dammit! I’ve got children to feed here! Sorta. I mean, not children specifically, but people! People who want snacks & beer! People like me!
Steelers (+1) vs. Dolphins: Are you there God? It’s me, indifference. Feely gets his first home start, and Roethlisberger (why do I get the feeling that’s the name of some kind of high-priced cheese?) will get the start for the Steelers. It ain’t exactly Manning-Farve here. It’s somewhere along the line of Ray Lucas-Kordell Stewart. Will A.J. be Feelying the love of the home crowd? (Wow, that pun actually grew old before I even used it). Unlikely. As I continue to predict, oracle-like, the Fins will be this season’s Oedipus-level tragedy. Yes, the Fins will Sophoclose. And the sphinx will have the mustache of a Dave Wannstedt on the meathead of a Dan Marino. Considering the Fins ran the ball for 25 yards last week, maybe they’ll try to punt it to their running backs. Sure, the Steelers offense has looked questionable (you don’t wow the league with that 5 carry, 1 yard, 3 touchdown line, Bus) and have a rookie QB starting, but good defense, a couple of big plays from their far superior receiving core, and special teams will get the win. Miami should never be giving up points here.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Jaguars (+6) vs. Titans: The Jaguars exist as about the ugliest 2-0 on the planet. Their 2-0 is so ugly that when it was born the doctor took a look at it and spanked its parents. Their 2-0 is so ugly that it scares away the roaches. Their 2-0 is so ugly that if ugly were bricks it’d have its own projects. Their 2-0 is so ugly the psychiatrist makes it lie face down. Their 2-0 is so ugly that when it sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury it. And so on. The Jags have won with a last-second pass against the Bills and a 7-6 squeeker (aka crapfest) against the Broncos. The Jags have two touchdowns so far this season, both passes to rookie Ernest Wilford and both his only career receptions. Clearly the Jags offense revolves around the play of Ernest Wilford. You simply can’t stop Ernest Wilford, you can only hope to contain him... from getting one damn reception. The gamble here is whether the Jags defense can keep the Titans off the board… and the Jags offense off the field! (Stop me, I've gone ellipsis crazy!) The Titans have the defense to frustrate the Jags, and the offense to put up points. At home, they should win by a TD. Lay the points.
Picksgiving: Titans
Browns (+3) vs. Giants: Well the Giants finally won a game. Here are some interesting stats: it was the Giants first win after 9 straight losses. It was Kurt Warner’s first win as a starter in 961 days. It was Tom Coughlin’s first win as a coach in 643 days. The seven forced turnovers were the most by a Giants team in 18 years. The number of hot dogs sold in the stadium on gameday was the fewest since the Bovine Spongiform Encephahotdogity scare of the mid-90s. The number of DUIs issued in the parking lot was the most since Giants Stadium’s unfortunate "Lawrence Taylor Official Snowcone" promotion. Anyhoo, yes the Giants won, but they won by less than a touchdown even with 17 points off of 7 turnovers. That’s not good. On the other side of the field: What can brown do for you? ‘Exit my lower intestine,’ is what I think when I hear that terrible ad line. The color brown is most frequently associated with human (or, here in New York, primarily canine) feces. Apparently UPS is quite happy to have customers associate their product with excrement. And before we continue, no, I don’t want to have any idea how those shorts fit into this paradigm. So what can the Browns do for you? Well, not much actually. They can take your delivery and throw it in a river, as long as it isn’t intercepted before it reaches the river. Today’s Browns can provide a few field goals (the Browns have 2 TDs in 2 games), maybe a few yards (the Browns had 202 net yards and gave up 441 last week), and one Jeff Garcia, whose quarterback rating in week 2’s game was a stellar 0.0. Snake Eyes! Needless to say, as a player with goose eggs for a QB rating after throwing for 71 yards and 3 INTs, it is absolutely mandatory that Garcia be on my fantasy team. Is this a fantasy or is it… a nightmare! (No, I can't be... stopped!) Can the Browns regroup? Was the Giants win for real? Huh, let me think, no and no. The obligatory 3-pt home spread. Take the points, I guess. I promise nothing.
Picksgiving: Browns
Ravens (-3) vs. Bengals: So far, teams have figured out how to stop the rushing onslaught of Jamal Lewis. Indict him in a large-scale cocaine-dealing ring! Just kidding. Truth is that teams are just piling every damn player they have into the box to stop him and hope they don’t get beat by the pass. So far it’s working as Lewis is averaging fewer than 60 yards per game and those two games were against the leagues’ 18th & 28th ranked rush defenses. Of course, the Bengals gave up 281 to Lewis in two games last year, so whether they can accomplish stopping him is questionable. But when Deion Sanders has been lining up at WR, you know you passing game isn’t just in the toilet, but your passing game is actually manufacturing many different sized toilets and putting them inside each other, Russian-doll style. The Ravens tough secondary will hold off Cincy’s passing attack, and Rudi has yet to get the rush game really going. Sloppy play by the Bengals, and Ravens defensive turnovers/scores will make the difference. It’ll be low-scoring and horrible to watch, an ample description of anything involving these two teams. Ravens by a FG.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Texans (+7.5) vs. Chiefs: The Texans can now lay claim to the dubious honor of losing to the Chargers and the Lions. The Texans have also given up 4 fumbles (all by Domanick Davis) and 3 INTs and now must head to Arrowhead, one of the league’s tougher stadiums. But the battle of the stats is between the Texans league-worst turnover differential of –6 and the Chief’s league-worst points/game allowed of 31.0. It’s tough to imagine the Chiefs going 0-3, but 9 pts is a hell of a lot of points to cover with one of the worst defenses in all of football. Then again, I don’t like my money riding on a young QB like Carr who is married and loves God. The point of spending your whole life preparing to be a pro QB is that, once there, you take advantage of the orgy of women & drugs that are your pro-QB-given right. I’m sure Carr is an upstanding kid. But football glory promises that once you achieve the QB position, you no longer need the missionary position. Good lord, David Carr! Get thee to a Hootersry! Priest on one side and God-loving David on the other side. What is this, church? Have they hit me up for money yet? If only the mendicants on the street could get some fancy collection plates, then they could call begging ‘religion.’ Maybe then Bush would give them some money for once. Houston lost by 12 pts last week against an inferior Lions team. I was thinking of going Chiefs until "the diaper controversy" erupted in the Chiefs camp (nothing better than getting ‘diaper’ and ‘erupted’ into the same sentence). Priest Holmes might be hurt and coach Vermeil told his backup, Larry Johnson, that if we were going to play he needs to "take the diapers off." The league has yet to rule on whether diapers are an official part of the uniform, so the Texans are not sure how to tackle him. Also, a five-second delay has been added to all Chiefs games in the event of a ‘diaper malfunction.’ Johnson apparently took offense to Vermeil dissing his swaddling clothes. He should consider himself lucky, Tom Coughlin would have fined the diaper by now. I was leaning Chiefs, but I never bet on the diaper, dude, be it on or off.
Picksgiving: Texans
Saints (+7) vs. Rams: Last week the faltering Saints (this just in: Coach Haslett will be Coach Has-been-lett-go by the end of the season) drove down the field at the end of the game to beat the hapless 49ers. The Rams, on the other hand, lost by 17 to the Falcons. The Rams are playing their first game in St. Louis, and the Saint arrive without the services of Deuce McAllister. I’m hesitant to give 7 points to a Rams team that beat the lowly Cardinals by 7, but who knows what to do with the Saints. The Saints certainly aren’t marching in, they’re more just sort of walking in place or maybe shuffling in circles, dazed and disoriented. This is one of those games where I let the tealeaves decide. Or bet on the movement of the odds, which, let me check, haven’t changed all week. Fine, I’ll take the points, I’m just beyond caring about either of these teams.
Picksgiving: Saints
Bears (+9) vs. Vikings: The Vikes beat the Cowboys by 18 points, and the Cowboys have a far superior defense. The Vikes might have a weak secondary, but who on the Bears is going to take advantage of that? Will Mike Ditka take so many erection pills that his member is declared an eligible receiver? Grossman is a pretty accurate description of the Bears passing game so far this season, it’s gross, man (explication possibly unnecessary, I apologize for that). King Rex might be far, far from the throne with his 53.3 passer rating, but some of the fault should be on the Bears receiving corps. I would name names but I can’t remember the name of a single one of them. Shockingly, Thomas Jones is having a pretty good year with the Bears with 219 yards and 3 TDs. Oh hey, look at that, the Bears leading receiver is also one Thomas Jones, with 7 receptions. Is he kicking the damn field goals too? The Vikes were embarrassed in Philly last week, getting only one TD in garbage time and fumbling 3 times and throwing one INT. They return home and look to beat up on the Bears. Besides, imagine a battle between Vikings and Bears. Vikings pillage and burn and destroy. Bears enjoy honey and rubbing their butts against tree trunks. No contest. Beware not the points, for the Vikings will knock the points down and then set the points on fire and then steal the points’ women.
Picksgiving: Vikings.
Eagles (-4.5) vs. Lions: Dear Detroit Lions, Congratulations on being 2-0. It must be a very exciting time in the life of your franchise. Hell, three years ago you won only 2 games the entire season. And as I remember, last year you lost every single road game. So that week 1 win in Houston must have been especially thrilling, even if it was against the Texans. However, I have a bit of bad news. Lions, you suck.
Picksgiving: Eagles
Cardinals (+10) vs. Falcons: The Cardinals really need to jazz the shit out of their bird logo. Maybe they don’t need to go as far as the Falcons with all the motion effects and hard angles and Arena-league-level crap, but it definitely needs some spice. Maybe I can make a few suggestions: first off, night-vision goggles. I realize they might be useless for a bird, but does a dolphin have the need for a helmet I ask? And everything, simply everything, looks cooler in night-vision goggles. While you’re at it, give that bird a sniper rifle. Or an RPG or a Predator drone. Hell anything, we’re at war here (or so I’m told 8 trillion times a day), so military-chic is in this season. Tell that cardinal to grab a bazooka and get to the huddle. Plus, look at the expression on the Cardinals face. Is that supposed to be an expression of determination and grit? It looks more to me like the Cardinal is getting a hernia examination or just got news of the mortgage foreclosure on his nest. Pissed off and threatening is not what I think of when I look at this Cardinal. I think of constipation and/or defeat. The Cards were last in points scored and points allowed last season, but even with the loss of their number one receiver they have given both the Rams and the Pats a run for their money in the last two weeks. Cards: 14 game losing streak. But in the end, the Falcons (possibly w/o starting back Warrick Dunn) just haven’t proven their ability enough to give up double-digit point spreads, especially after barely holding off the 49ers, and letting the Rams back into last week’s game after establishing a 17 point lead. And I’ve consistently picked against the Falcons and they keep right on winning. Hell if I’m going to break that streak!
Picksgiving: Cardinals
Chargers (+10) vs. Broncos: What kind of moron is giving 10 points to a Broncos team that couldn’t score a single touchdown last week. I don’t care that they’re at Mile High or InsuranceCo or the big IUD or whatever the hell it’s called. This is a team that lost 7-6 despite keeping the Jags 1 for 10 on third down conversions. How do you win in week 1 in Arrowhead then lose in week 2 in Jax? Meanwhile the Chargers have scored 27 & 28 points in their two games this year. Brees continues to have problems After being #1 off the fantasy waiver wire in week 1, in week 2, at one point in the 3rd quarter, he had thrown as many interceptions as completions. The 3rd quarter! Yikes. In his defense, Brees did suffer a helmet-to-helmet blow and stayed in the game. Here are his comments after the game: "I was a little woozy, but I knew I was playing in a football game." Well sorry, Drew, but we’re looking for a little more than that. Like maybe a completion to your own team or something. Hell, I knew you were playing in a football game too, and I wasn’t even there!
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Packers (+6) vs. Colts: Packers, you lost to the Bears at home. You are hereby banished from any consideration for the Superbowl. In last week’s game, Thomas Jones carried 23 times for 152 yards. Hey Packers, there’s problem number one! In the six-play drive to start the third quarter, Jones accounted for all 79 yards including a 1-yard touchdown run to put the Bears ahead 21-3. Hey Packers, there’s problem number two! At least the Pack faithful booed Mike McKenzie upon his quote-unquote return. The Edge may be out (a shocking development, really), but Rhodes should fill in amply. The Pack just can’t afford mistakes (I’m looking at you, Ahman Green) and the Colts have proven they can put numbers on the board and come from behind in big games. Their defense might be suspect, and this could turn into a shootout, but the Colts should win with a late touchdown.
Picksgiving: Colts
49ers (+10) vs. Seahawks: ‘Caw! Caw!’ go the Seahawks as they swoop to 2-0 and get the pleasure of facing the muddled 49ers this week. It is yet to be seen whether the 49ers will be able to move the ball downfield with its group of superstar receivers like Some Dude and Other Guy and That Person. Hopefully the 49ers defense can keep them close as the 49ers offense has outgained its opponents in its last two games, both lost both in the final minutes. This is also a classic letdown game for the Seahawks, as they had to travel to New Orleans and Tampa the last two weeks and could get caught napping now that they are back home. In their nest. Taking a nap. The Seahawks have a 9-game home winning streak, but I just can’t give up 10 points when the ‘dog 49ers have kept games close against similarly talented teams. There’s gold in them there nests!
Picksgiving: 49ers
Bucs (+3) vs. Raiders: ARRR, Matey!! It’s the battle of the pirates. Expect knives to be drawn, mustaches waxed, and parrots affixed to shoulders. For verisimilitude, each team should board a schooner and attempt to row it down the field while lobbing footballs, shouting jeers, and performing taunting celebration dances towards one other. The one thing that’s certain about this game is that I’ll be wearing my eye patch while watching. Which team am I supporting? Why, larceny on the high seas, of course! But seriously, wasn’t this the damn Superbowl match-up two years ago. These teams have fallen faster than a Brad Johnson pass attempt. The Bucs offense couldn’t score in Tijuana. The defense is trying to keep them in games, but pirates don’t win by holing up and stopping the run. Here’s Gruden on the team’s slow start: ""I don't have very many friends today, OK. I've got my wife, my dad who is a consultant, and I've got these players," Gruden said. "You find out who your real friends are when you get beat in a humbling, humiliating fashion." Well, not to point out the obvious, Chucky, but your real friends are you wife and dad, and they probably don’t even like you. In the last couple of weeks, the pre-game shows have been a parade of players complaining about Gruden’s handling of personnel. Now I don’t put much faith in the demented ramblings and recriminations of the Keenan McCardells & Warren Sapps of the league, but something stink in Tampa and it ain’t the foreign tourist at Disneyland. The Bucs have a 38-year old returning punts. Lucky for the Bucs, there’s no shortage of elderly people to draw upon in South Florida, so come the off-season expect the Bucs to jettison many of their inexperienced younger players and draw heavily from the talent pool of Florida’s semi-pro Assisted Living Football League ("The ALFL: doping not just allowed, but necessary to field a team!" or "The ALFL: no penalties for walker-to-walker contact!" Plus, the ALFL would fit right in with the NFL’s "Lombardi-from-beyond-the-grave" promo campaign). Here’s a nod to Jerry Rice, whose streak of games with a caught pass ended at 274. He only had one ball thrown to him all day. Rice said after the game, "It's all right. It happens. Life goes on. I'll just start another one and get another 200." Holy fountain of youth, Batman, what is this league turning into! I know we’re all just waiting for the Baby Boomer retirement to cripple everything from electoral politics to the nation’s entitlement programs (if not its fundamental solvency), but who knew they were already planning their assault upon our very national sports leagues! Imagine if… Oh, I’ve said too much about this game already. It’s the Bucs-Raiders after all.
Picksgiving: Raiders
Cowboys (+2.5) vs. Redskins: Tuna v. Gibbs. We have been reduced to this – some gauzy, nostalgia-tinged, former glory, vintage hoo-ha hoopla. Far too many articles about the ‘rebirth’ (sponsored by Cialis, natch) of this rivalry have focused on both teams’ reliance upon old-time ‘smash-mouth’ football. The only mouth-related activity by the teams involves coughing, as in coughing up the dang ol’ pigskin. Fumbles, interceptions, and general crummy play aren’t going to do much to revive whatever sparkle existed in the heyday of the NFC East. But, beyond the hype, this is an important divisional game for each team, both sitting at 1-1. The Cowboys defense has lost the luster of last year, and with the absence of any running game, Vinny GreenBalls will again be forced to throw it, oh, about a million times. Unfortunately for him, it’s against a strong Skins secondary that will provide the turnovers & stops to get the offense back on the field. Give it to Portis. Skins can cover a figgie at home.
Picksgiving: Redskins.
bye: Bills, Panthers, Patriots, Jets
Best Bets (2 per week): Saints, Chargers – go doggies go!
Errata:
*Out of Bounds (football between the pages):
Selected Chapter Titles from ‘Think Like A Champion: Building Success One Victory at a Time’ by Mike Shanahan
2) Sacrificing: To Get Where You Need to Go
(misplaced colon: #1)
5) Understanding: Your Strengths and Weaknesses
(misplaced: colon #2)
7) Believing: Success Comes in Cans, not in Cannots
(okay fine, but are they tallboy cans?)
13) Risk Taking: Shooting the Roll of Your Life
(I’m doing what to the roll now?)
John Gruden’s ‘Do You Love Football?: Winning with Heart, Passion, and Not Much Sleep’
This book can be summed up with this one passage:
‘By week ten, week eleven, these guys start to get the long eyes and it becomes tough for them to get up for practice on Wednesday or Thursday. So when I spot one of them in the hall, instead of just saying hello or nodding my head, I’ll get kind of a crazy look on my face and ask, "Do you love football? Do you? Do you love football? Do you love it? You do, don’t you? I know you love football."
Advice from Terry Bradshaw from his book "Keep it Simple"
On relationships:
"It wasn’t any of my wives’ fault that I married them."
On defense:
"I was being attacked by the worst of all combinations: a salesman, my daughters, and a puppy."
On golf & religion:
"Who among us has never cheated on a golf course? Put your hand down, Jesus."
On memory:
"Do I remember signing one autograph several decades ago? Not hardly. I can barely remember the first chapter of this book."
On the opposite sex:
"She asked me if I had any questions. ‘Just one,’ I said. ‘You got any Demerol?’"
*Tom Coughlin Fine of the Week:
"I don't fine players. They fine themselves."
-- Tom Coughlin in his interview with Greg Gumble
This week WR Ike Hilliard fined himself $1000 dollars for being fined $1000 by Tom Coughlin for arriving late to a meeting that did not take place. Coughlin, a known disciplinarian, insisted that players be present for meetings, whether they take place or not. He also insisted that players fine themselves for all violations of rules they are aware of and for violations of rules that haven’t yet been devised. Hilliard, upon fining himself for unknown infractions, went to Coughlin’s office to profess innocence and confusion at how he could fine himself for actions he hadn’t committed in violations of rules that didn’t exist. Coughlin told him to take his complaints and "stuff them into a sock." Coughlin then had Hilliard fine himself an additional $1000 when the complaints were stuffed into a white sock, not a black sock as Coughlin hadn’t specified.
*Highlights from this week’s PS2 game simulation:
Steelers vs. Dolphins (Played on rookie mode because, well, do you see which teams are playing here!).
Early in its first possession, the computer (controlling the Dolphins) puts a man in motion towards the weak side. The pass is complete to an uncovered receiver who sprints to the endzone untouched. Computer touchdown. In response, I put a ceramic ashtray in motion towards the PS2.
With time running out in the first half, the Steelers Deuce Staley (controlled by yours truly), finds a hole in the line and breaks through the defense. After gaining 65 yards, Staley is caught by the computer-controlled Fins saftey, tackled, and promptly fumbles the ball; frantic button mashing turns to frantic controller mashing turns to frantic coffee table mashing turns to enraged PS2 mashing.
After brilliant play on my part, my Steelers are down by only 4 points with the ball and one minute remaining. Tommy Maddox’s pass is tipped at the line and intercepted by the Dolphins, sealing the computer’s victory. Thus the actions of the Playstation2 lead to my apartment becoming Curse Station #1.
*Find Deion:
In Week 2 it was especially difficult to find Deion because, according to him, he was hiding behind his ‘head thing.’ After returning a punt 23 yards (his first non-DB play as a Raven), Deion was fined 15 yards for removing his helmet in celebration. But wait! "It wasn't me celebrating," Sanders insisted. "To be honest with you, that head thing came down over my eyes the last 10 yards ... my instinct was to get this thing off of my eyes." Now maybe Deion is referring to the slow creep of senility as he ages, or maybe his body is so old that it is decomposing, zombie-like, and his forehead is slipping down over his eyes; otherwise, Prime Time, it’s called a helmet. I now you’ve been out of the game for a while, but it’s a rather common term. Helmet. Please remember. And for future reference, the game you play is called football. Purist may argue that the game you yourself play is called something else, but generally the sport is called football. File it away.
It also might have been difficult to find Deion during gameplay because he was so far behind Plaxico Burress in coverage. Needless to say, Tommy Maddox bailed him out by overthrowing the pass.
[Editing Note: Next week’s ‘Find Deion’ may be suspended due to Deion injuring his hamstring in the first half and leaving the game. Hopefully a replacement can be found. Maybe ‘Find the New Orleans Saints?’]
*When You Dance (TD celebrations):
Joe Horn, after catching a TD pass this week, imitated swinging a golf club. I was left speechless. Here’s a star of one of the most physically demanding (not to mention crippling) sports in the world paying tribute to a sport that includes such tubbies and drunks as Duffy ‘The Walrus’ Waldorf and John ‘Beer Bloat’ Daly. Joe Horn, you should be ashamed of yourself. Your paean to the cellular industry was an act of genius compared to your pathetic touchdown golf swing. You definitely impressed the geriatric demographic that watches The Golf Channel. You can expect that endorsement contract from Big Bertha any day now. What next? Is Terrell Owens going to start signing footballs for his swing instructor? Are players going to start lining up imaginary putts after they score? Or mime teeing up a ball when they get a sack? Pathetic. Don’t worry, Joe, you’ll have plenty of time to golf in those 2 years between retirement and the time you’re hobbled by all your old football injuries. Enjoy!
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters): Dr. Phil made a supposed ‘house call’ (aw, isn’t that cute) to the CBS pre-game. This was utterly shameless on the part of CBS, as Dr. Phil has some new show or book or website or anal suppository ("Dr Phil: healing relationships AND rectums") or whatever to promote. By the way, CBS, I’m sure Dr. Phil will draw in that coveted 18-34 demo that the ‘Tiffany’ network so craves. Here are some of the words of wisdom of Dr. Phil: "These are men." "He’s been watching." "It’s all about perception." "He’s gone." Complex sentences are difficult for Dr. Phil. He no talk good. He heal good. Needless to say, Dr. Phil felt it necessary to wander outside his normal area of moronic, idiotic advice and provide a bit of super-moronic, uber-idiotic advice related to football, opining that the Redskins would be 2-0. Hey Dr. Phil, your advice is about as reliable as your hair growth.
*From the Mouth of Knaves (idiocy from the studio):
Shannon Sharpe has some classic lines this week. You have to wonder if he starts composing these things on Monday and just sits around all week feeling tingly about the chance to wow Marino with a zinger. Please don’t remind Shay-Shay that people with multiple head injuries are his best audience! But S-Squared’s overdone, opportunistic one-liner showboating is starting to wear thin. First, here’s Sharpe on the reliability of his advice: "If I tell you grass will turn to cheese, start hustling crackers!" That’s funny, Shay-Shay, because you’ve become quite grating. Get it? I made a joke. Just like Shay-Shay! And here’s Sharpe on whether he could play for Tom Coughlin: ""I would rather die in an abandoned building, by myself and my family not know anything, than play for him." Hey, don’t worry Shannon, much of the viewing public would like the same thing!
I was also subject to the humiliating sight of Terry Bradshaw ‘interviewing’ Michael Vick. When in God’s name did interviewing someone devolve into the process of asking someone to declare a preference between such things as sitting or standing. It’s ridiculous. Terry’s best question was to ask Vick whether he raps or sings to ‘his lady,’ rapping being illustrated by Bradshaw with a series of coughs, sputters, spits, and raspberries which he must have thought sounded like the human beatbox of hip-hop. Nothing racist about that, Terry! Those negroes sure to make and enjoy some funny noises! Nothing like gospel. That’s good music for God-fearin’ white folk. I don’t always catch the Fox studio broadcast, but each time I do I scold myself for missing the opportunity to watch some of the most insulting and horrifying moments in television history. Maybe Howie can use his superhuman brainpower to help me understand it all.
*Videodrome (comments on the football telecast): Thurston Long Outside the Huddle: cartoon crap. Has anyone else seen this thing? I’m not sure if it’s against FCC regulation to show actual cartoon crap on television, but if not, then CBS is sure as hell trying. After this abomination of cartoon players running amok in televised pandemonium played, Boomer for once summed it up by saying "So that’s where all of Deion’s money went." Let it be known that this segment may never be televised again, and a Google search for it brings back nothing.
*Footballweb:
In our never ending quest for as much T.O. as we can provide to you the reader, might we direct you here:
http://www.terrellowens.com/photo/details.php?image_id=562
Fly like an eagle, baby. Now that’s what I call a touchdown! Uh, except it’s over water. Uh, and some dorky dude is using a damn pole to pull you over to the lamaze mat by the pool. T.O., that’s weak. Water? Is T.O. a fraidy-cat? Next time, jump off a bridge or something. Uh, and don’t worry about the cord, you’ll land fine.
And a special congrats to T.O.’s tailgate picture winner:
http://www.terrellowens.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=5945&st=0&#entry52566
Wow, a T.O. jersey AND a fake eagle’s beak. Fandom never looked so, uh, frightening.
[Forgive us our typos as we forgive those who typo against us]
¶ 11:55 AM 0 comments
