Block That Kick!
Friday, November 05, 2004
Week 9
My picks are in the litter box, so I must have 9 lives.
Overall: 53-59-4, but did I win the popular vote?
Last Week: 4-10, uh, no.
Best Bets: 7-8-1, lowest score wins, right? Like golf?
BB Last Week: 0-2, breaking my 1-1 streak. The bad way.
Prologue: I don’t wish to alarm anyone, especially our nation’s senior citizens with their weak hearts and antiquated government entitlements, but this is the second miserable week for BTK. Maybe I didn’t put enough time into last week’s picks. Sure, bye weeks are usually reserved for the healing of hammys (which didn’t happen, btw, and a man is only as good as him hammy), the talking of trash (you should have heard me berate my broken stereo), maybe some conditioning drills (does using a shampoo plus conditioner count?), getting DUIs (I knew I shouldn’t have donated my car to a charity for the blind, they probably drive worst than drunk people do!), and losing your position to a roster player (henceforth, BTK will be composed by left-leaning political bloggers – they have a lot of free time these days). But instead my bye week was spent sucking at football predictions, something at which I have demonstrated an aptitude, but certainly not something that would be considered the modus operandi of this blog. Lately it feels like there’s not ‘b’ on this blog and I’m not so much making picks, as just posting a log. After Week 7’s 3-10-1 and Week 8’s 4-10, BTK has to reassess the state of its haruspices. I have the feeling that I’m getting low-grade animal entrails and tea leaves from my supplier. Given, I smoke most of the tea leaves before actually consulting them to predict the future; and, okay, I pan-fry and eat most of the animal entrails after smoking the tea leaves, but still… Wait, what was my point? Oh yeah, craptastic picks. Is it the middle of the season doldrums or something? Let’s look at some of the ridiculous upsets of the last two weeks: Vikes blown out by the Giants and score only 13 points; 5-2 Broncos giving up, at home, 41 points to the previously inept falcons offense; Steelers putting up 34 on the Pats. And that’s only week 8, how about week 7? Eagles need OT to beat the Browns; Fins-Rams 31-14; 2-4 Chiefs score 56 points against one of the top 5 defenses. Yowsers. Stupid mid-season. I’ll show ‘em this week. Fuck the exit polls. Looks like I’m far behind, right? Women made all those picks. Let’s bring in the evangelical picks! Jesus saves! Hopefully he also covers.
Jets (-3) vs. Bills: Funny the weight we give to divisional games. Sure, it helps in some elaborate playoff formula that Stephen Hawking couldn’t explain to me (robot voice or not), but it also leads to a lot of stinker games, which we’re supposed to think are meaningful. As if the Bills have any playoff chance. They have two wins, against the Cards and Fins. That’s about as impressive as the Fins offense. Are the Bills really comfortable playing the spoiler role halfway through the season? Or will all spoilage involve the play of drew Bledsoe. One order of interceptions with a side of fumbles, waitron. The Jets bring the league’s 2nd best rushing attack against the Bills 2nd ranked rush defense. And still this manages to be borrrring. Curtis martin had 115 yards last week. Guess what? Lamont Jordon had 115 yards too. Guess what? While watching the Jets game last week, I rushed to the fridge to get beer and had 19 carries for 35 beers and, that’s right, 115 yards.
Picksgiving: Jets
Eagles (PK) vs. Steelers: The battle for PA, like anyone would want it. It’s Primanti Bros. vs Joe’s Cheesesteaks. City of Love vs. City of Steel. Red state vs. Blue state. East vs. West. The Pitts and the Philadulums. Will TO mime a bus driver when he scores a touchdown? Can the Steelers end the 7-game win streak after ending the 21-game win streak? The Eagles record hides a good amount of luck and ineptitude inside those 7 wins. The Steelers have been much more impressive in their five-win streak. But lordy, after so many Korsmells and Tommy Baddox years, it’s amazing to think that Bill Cower might keep his job b/c of Big Ben Rothlisburgh as they’re calling him. The Eagles needed OT to beat the Browns and 1 TD to beat the Ravens. These teams together have as many wins as the Eagles. The other big story is the ‘Return of the Deuce,’ and no that isn’t a movie starring James Woods and Robert Redford as a couple of art thieves looking for one big final score (and if it were, pay a visit to the Munch Museum in Norway, guys!) "I don't have anything personal to prove to them. I was there seven years, so they know about Duce," Staley said. "If it was something personal, Deuce thinks Deuce would be showing Deuce’s teammates Deuce wanted to be over there instead of being here. That's not the case." (Okay, I changed some personal pronouns to Deuces in the second sentence, but the first is legit. The collective bargaining agreement should prohibit all football players from referring to themselves in the third person). Without Westbrook to establish the run (please don’t tell me Dorsey Levens is going to do it) the Eagles will struggle against the NFL’s 9th ranked pass defense. Sure, TO. Put three d-backs, four cheerleaders, and an assistant trainer on him. Who else are they going to pass to? A blocking tight end? Todd ‘skinny legs’ Pinkston? Heinz field vs. Lincoln financial. Condiments vs. insurance. I’ll take the sauce please.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Redskins (+3) vs. Lions: Well the Redskins blew it. Sure they lost, but another pointless trend was debunked. The incumbent lives. Joe Gibbs must have brought his NASCAR dad moxie to the game. It’s worthless to even talk about these coincidental stats, so maybe it’s best if we let it go. After a drubbing of the Giants, the Lions looked like they could actually be a 6-2 team with games against the Cowboys and the Skins. But they were infected with the virus of Vinny Greenballs who threw for 3 TDs (and 3 INTs, just to remind us he’s 97 years old) and gave the Lions their first road loss. On the other side, Brunell is last in the NFL with a 52.4 completion percentage, which is especially shocking since the majority of those throws are to the turf. Even the ground isn’t catching the ball! Then again, for the Lions last week, they had 39 yards rushing on 14 carries. Not to belabor the point, but I could pee 39 yards on 14 urination attempts. Maybe they should hand the ball off to my penis. Big gains, my friend! They also had 112 yards in penalties. If only motion penalties would be allowed a place on the roster. If the Redskins lose on the road the week after the election when coming off a loss as home dogs, does that mean the Undersecretary of Health and Human Labor resigns after a botched panty raid?
Picksgiving: Lions, I guess.
Cowboys (-1) vs. Bengals: Stars and Stripes, baby! Deficits and intolerance, baby! Plutocracy and zealotry, baby! Or I guess it’s Stars vs. Stripes. A house divided against itself is like a mobile home in a Category 5 hurricane. But really, I think it’s late enough in the season that we can stop talking about games like this. From now on, each stinker game of the week will get one BTK-penned pop culture review. Wouldn’t you rather know whether or not to see ‘Saw’ than which team is going to win this game? You’re going to get the pick anyway.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Raiders (+7) vs. Panthers: The Panthers are giving up seven? What seven injuries? Seven roster spots? Seven running backs? What alternative universe brings us this spread? Did Zalltron the Imperious win command of the Galactic Senate or something? And what the hell is Zalltron going to do about the taxes on my al-kee-hol? You get the feeling that these two superbowl busts didn’t get the analytical eye of the Vegas spreadlords. I think Veags’ lack of attention lead to this game getting the spread meant for another contest. There is something pathetic about the meeting of these two teams. They are like geezers gathered around the dialysis bingo table, somebody is going to win, but their heart might give out doing it. The Raiders have lost 13 straight on the road and 16 of their last 20 games overall. They have allowed at least 30 points in each of their last five contests. Both teams have lost five straight games. Wow, it’s just like a rematch of that Bills-Fins game! Remember the drama of that gladiatorial contest? Yeah, me neither. Funny thing, I’ve forgotten about this game even though I’m currently writing about it. See, even though I’m punching the keys on the keyboard and putting together coherent thoughts (hypothetically, at least) about this game, I’m thinking of rainbows and dewdrops and leprechauns and about all the leftover Halloween candy. Anybody want to crush up some Sweet Tarts and do some lines? No? How about I give you $5 to eat 40 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in 5 minutes? No? Fine. I hope there’s a razor in your apple. "It's obvious we're not capable of putting drives together, and it's obvious we're not capable of putting defensive stands together," said Raiders coach Norv Turner. From what I can tell, Norv, you’re not capable of putting a football team together either. The Panthers aren’t in much better shape, but at least they can blame that old bugaboo Mr. Injury for many of their troubles. It looks like they’re going to have another week with Brad Hoover (aka Brad Whover) as the running game. Further research finds their 4th-string back in named Nick Goings. More like… wait for it… Nick Goings nowhere. Hold the applause. I guess a running game like this is maybe good for Del Homey’s fantasy stats. Really, fantasy is about the only thing relevant to this game. Not the fantasy that I’ll be paying any attention, but you can only go so far. Favoring a 1-6 team by 7 points makes me wonder if there’s something I don’t know. In the end, ugh, it’s just too many points in a crapfest. Crapfests take points. In the crapbook. And I’m going to audible to the crapbook right now.
Picksgiving: Raiders
Cards (+3) vs. Fins: Here’s NFL.com’s take on the game: "The Arizona Cardinals haven't won a road game in more than two years. A matchup with the Miami Dolphins might be coming at the perfect time." Um, perfect time for whom, exactly? I don’t remember the league existing to serve the fragile, road-loss egos of the Az. Cards. I believe it’s an entertainment enterprise in service to me, the average fan (um, who is way above average, btw). Yes, this game would be coming at the ‘perfect time’ for the NFL fan if it took place right after Armageddon perhaps. Otherwise, save your breath. It’s week frigging 9 and we have Cowboys-Bengals, Raiders-Panthers, and Cards-Fins. And I haven’t even gotten to the Browns-Ravens! When you’re hyping games as a possible scenario for a team to end a long-running streak of ineptitude, you’re really scraping the bottom of the dung barrel. Why don’t you just promise some injuries? You’re bound to attract the interest of the sadism crowd, at the very least. "A week ago, we looked fast and quick and explosive," Cards coach Dennis Green said. Sorry Denny, but you were just sitting on the fast forward button when watching game film. What can you say about these games? I can’t even muster the energy to ridicule them. Gamble on them, sure; but mockery just takes so much more out of you. I don’t know, whoever gets points…
Picksgiving: Cards
Chiefs (-3) vs. Bucs: Well the Chiefs have 1130 total yards and 101 points in the last two games. Christ! This was a 1-4 team. What the hell is going on? Chief Priest has 41 touchdowns in the past 20 games. Man, maybe he was the one who brought out the religious vote on Tuesday. By way of contrast, the Bucs have scored 109 points all season. That's about all we need to know. The Bucs have decided to Griese the wheels and see what happens. Usually that means a loss of vehicular control – not a situation known to lead to happy endings, but so far he’s done better than the Simmsulation of a QB they had going in previous games. I don’t yet trust the CW that the Chiefs are back, but the Bucs should put up little opposition.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Bears (+9) vs. Giants: Bears starting QB Craig Krenzel has a degree in molecular genetics. Craig, are you sure that playing for the Bears was the correct career decision? The 5-2 Giants have continued to impress the league, but it can only be so long before the mistakes of Kurt Warner ruin the team’s chances. You can only bail out Kon-Tiki so many times. It isn’t every week that Big Blue can win with Warner putting the ball on the turf three times. I’m Warnering you, his turnovers will kill them. And for all the early season surprise that the O-line didn’t tackle their own players, they have now given up more sacks than any other team except the Fins. If the defense can continue to give up the second fewest points per game in the league (16.1), they can stay competitive. But a shaky O-line, turnovers, and a middling pass attack spell trouble down the road. And plenty of trouble covering 9 points. Come on, it’s the Giants we’re talking about.
Picksgiving: Bears
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. 49ers: Damn, the 49ers are playing like it’s 1849. There’s gold in them there fumbles! Injuries have killed the defense, the rush, and the pass game. Huh, but that mediocre special teams is a step in the right direction! After losing three in a row, the Seahawks still couldn’t cover against the wounded Panthers last week. Sure, they put a tranquilizer in the cat’s rump, but they need to put that cat to sleep if they think anyone is going to take them seriously as a playoff team. Of course, the Seahawks won the last meeting against this divisional rival 34-nil, so maybe this is just the medicine they need to, uh, to, er, to vaccinate against that influenza. Shaun Alexander had 195 yards and 2 TDs last week. Maybe you should give him the ball! Yeah, great idea, BTK! Give the ball to the guy with the ridiculous stats! We can expect more of that this week as the Seahawks WR corps is banged up to all hell. Jerry Rice is hurt. I know, real shocker. Did he break a hip or something? The only healthy receiver is Koren Robinson, so we should expect about 25 dropped passes this game. I’m thinking maybe the Seahawks should have two receivers run the same route, right next to each other, so that when one drops the ball maybe the other will be in position to catch it. Then, instead of getting a ‘dropped pass’ stat, the first WR who drops it can get a ‘passes offensed’ stat. Yes, I just invented a new statistic. Take that, Billy Beane! Right now the 49ers are just awful, awful, awful. If Seattle can’t cover a TD, then they don’t deserve that space needle. They deserve the euthanasia needle.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Saints (+6.5) vs. Chargers: Take a good long look in the mirror New Orleans Saints, because you are getting a touchdown vs. the Chargers. The world is basically squatting over your team and taking a shit on you. Ask yourself, are you going to make jambalaya out of it or are you going, uh, to forget to add cajun seasonings? Next question: is this the point where I make a bad "fresh brees" pun like every other hack out there. No. This is where I say that ‘fresh breeze’ is a bad metaphor from a feminine hygiene commercial. Drew was 22 of 25 last week for 5 TDs and no INTs. Somebody smell ‘contract year’ on that ‘fresh breeze?’ But I have sympathy for the man, he did get screwed by the organization and blamed for much of the bad play (and, let’s face it, coaching) around him. I’m not excusing his play last year because it wasn’t pretty. Let’s just hope he gets a big contract in, uh, Miami. Maybe he can get together with Ricky Williams. The comeback kids. The Saints are coming off their bye week. Funny, but it seems like every week is the bye week for the saints, they just sometimes have to go out on the field for it. The Chargers bring in the numero uno run defense. Do you really expect the Saints to make plays through the air? Maybe Donte Stallworthless will make them. Sorry, scratch that, he just got demoted to 3rd string. I worry a bit about the Bolts giving up 6.5, but it is the Saints, after all, and on the road.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Patriots (-2) vs. Rams: Oh no, the glorious Patriots have had their precious streak ended. The British are coming! The British are coming! I’m especially worried about how this loss effect the relationship between Tom Brady and G.W. Will the conservatives abandon Brady now that he’s shown his vulnerability? Or will we invade Foxborough to save them from themselves? Corey Dillon and both Pats CBs are hurt, which doesn’t bode well for the Pats. Last week with Dillon hurt, the Pats’ leading rusher was Kevin Faulk with 4 yards on 5 carries. You’re posting some Bettis-type numbers there, Kev, but without the touchdowns. The Rams are coming off the bye. Sure, they have played down to opponents and their defense has looked suspect at times, but everything points Rams. And we’re all tired of the Pats by now.
Picksgiving: Rams
Texans (+6.5) vs. Broncos: The Texans come in looking to match their single-season record of wins here in Week 9. The Broncos come in having thrown for 499 yards last week and still losing big to the Falcons. Rod Smith had his first 100-yard receiving game since Week 5… of 2003; Reuben Droughns had only 49 yards rushing last week. I don’t see the mile-high air letting the Broncos will by much, given their turnover problems of late.
Picksgiving: Texans
Browns (+6) vs. Ravens: New look Browns match up against the old look Browns. New shit browns against old shit browns. Jamal Lewis is back, and he’s phoning in a huge yardage buy. He’ll take 100 kilos of yardage and a half pound of TDs. But anything he does will no doubt be negated by Kyle Boller and his 3 TDs & 11 INTs in 7 games. Yes, the Ravens lost to the Browns earlier this season, but lately they’ve played tough against good teams, which the Browns aren’t. Sunday night should be the Ravens revenge.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Vikes (+6) vs. Colts: It isn’t so much a battle of wills as a battle of wilts. Both teams are notorious for caving in big games, but the Colts have done much less of that this year and are in a dogfight with the Jags (god, and the Texans) to win their division. The Colts simply must win this game, even if Peyton has to throw for 35 touchdowns. I never thought I’d type this, but the Vikes will miss Mewelde Moore. They’ll also miss Randy Moss, who suits up for one play each week to keep some phony streak alive. Of course, he hasn’t caught a pass since Week 6. Now that’s the kind of Randy Ratio I like.
Picksgiving: Colts.
Bye week: Falcons, Jags, Pack, Titans, electoral sanity.
Best Best (2 per week): Chiefs, Raiders. Fingers crossed.
Errata:
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations):
All the hubbub this week is about TO’s little imitation of Ray Lewis after scoring the winning touchdown in last week’s Eagles-Ravens game. Lewis then called TO a "coward" and TO hit back with comments about Lewis’ involvement in the double-murder trial in Atlanta. Let’s leave the verbal sparring aside and focus, with laser-like intensity as always, on the dance. Basically, TO mockingly imitated another man’s dance. I give him credit for taking the touchdown dance to the meta level and everything, but it’s also pretty stupid. TO was a merchandising major in college (and let’s pretend he attended a single class to get that degree) and his little antics increasingly seem about nothing more than extending the brand of TO. Come on, he wear’s hats with his website address on them. How stupid is that? He’s right to point out the hypocrisy of the league embracing a double-murder suspect but having a hissy fit over a guy with a Sharpie. But TO’s attention-getting-deficit disorder seems ever more unhinged. And his complaints about the league or the press or whoever is supposedly demonizing him reveal a rather strong persecution complex for a successful multi-millionaire. Oh, who cares, I’m sick of TO. I’m giving this week’s award to Johnny Morton and his awesome version of the Worm. That man can break! Too bad he’s too old to get many chances to do it.
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Is it possible that the boner pill commercials have simply become so ubiquitous that I don’t even notice them anymore? I feel like it’s the same old ‘geezers in separate bathtub’ spot or ‘wife looking a little frisky’ ad that’s been running for a couple of season. These boner pill ad campaigns need boner pills of their own. Where’s Ditka dickin’? Where’s that football through the tire? That said, below are the odds for which current player will become a spokesperson in a future boner pill advertising campaign.
Kordell Stewart:
Odds: 100-1.
Nobody sleeps with a loser. Adam, Eve, or Steve.
Ron Dayne:
Odds: 75-1
Known for being incapable of hitting the hole.
Warren Sapp:
Odds: 60-1
Helped by his reputation around the league as a "huge cock."
A.J. Feely:
Odds 30-1
A.J. can you Feely? Pinball wizard. Etc. Etc.
Carson Palmer:
Odds 20-1
Synonymous with performance problems.
Kurt Warner:
Odds: 18-1.
Known for fumbling in the pocket, if you know what I mean.
Tom Brady:
Odds: 10-1.
Harem of slutty Republican chicks requires an 8-hour boner.
Marc Bulger:
Odds 10-1
Put a Bulger in your pocket.
Ricky Williams:
Odds: 8-1.
Is there a drug he isn’t on?
Ben Roethlisberger:
Odds: 5-1.
Even Bigger Ben.
*The Stadium Scene:
On Tuesday, Arlington, Texas voters decided to give the Cowboys a new stadium. Gee, I wonder how they are going to pay for another retractable-roof behemoth? Let’s see:
A 0.5 percent sales tax increase.
A 2 percent hotel-occupancy tax increase.
A 5 percent car-rental tax increase.
Up to a 10 percent ticket tax on events at the stadium.
Up to a $3 parking tax at the stadium.
Those Republicans, so crazy with that tax cutting. Wait a minute…
*10 things that I think that Peter King thinks that he thinks:
1) Does my butt look big in these pants?
2) Does my butt look big out of these pants?
3) If you reverse my names, I am King Peter, lord of all Peters.
4) I drink coffee, like every other person. I feel the need to tell people about it, like few other people.
5) A column called Monday Morning Quarterback is a perfect place to talk endlessly about the Red Sox and girl’s high school field hockey.
6) How much liver can one person eat? Have intern look up on web.
7) When I ride on the train, it goes ‘Choo! Choo!’
8) I have ‘Monday Morning Quarterback,’ Gregg Easterbrook has ‘Tuesday Morning Quarterback,’ and Phil Simms’ new book is called ‘Sunday Morning Quarterback.’ Who in God’s name is doing the afternoon quarterbacking?
9) If I weren’t writing about professional football, I think I’d like to pen a column about midget bowling.
10) My sources inside the league tell me that the Superbowl will be held in Jacksonville this year.
*Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies):
Ricky Williams finally got around to applying for reinstatement this week. Here’s one of the articles:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=pasquarelli_len&id=1914446
Through the awesome research power of the internet, I was able to acquire a copy of Ricky’s letter to the league:
Dear Official Head Football Person Guy,
Yo, what up brah? Hey dawg, this is Ricky barkin’ at ya. Man, oh, look dude, I’m like totally sorry about that whole retirement thing. That was, just, like, a phase, man. Not the real me, dude. Not at all. See, I was just like, you know, out there man. Way out there. There were like gazelles and shit where I was. All kind of crazy stuff, man. You really gotta try some of this, man; it’s crazy good, dude. It’ll totally knock you on your ass. I can hook you up with a dude. Yo, Jamal’s got his number on his cellphone. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. True. But what was I sayin’? Oh yeah, that whole ‘I don’t want to play anymore’ thing. That wasn’t me talkin’, I promise. No no no, I’m bein’ serious here. No, listen to me, dude. This is the Rickster talking. The real deal. From the heart, dawg. I don’t know who was saying that shit. But it wasn’t me. I mean, if it was, then I musta, you know, like gotten a bad batch or something….
And so on. That bit isn’t really going anywhere. The stoner voice inflections don’t really jump off the page. But I stand behind the concept. That way you can’t see me.
*In Other News:
Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready to rumble? In one corner we have Keyshawn Johnson and in the other corner we have Pam Oliver. Last week, Oliver reported that on the sideline Keyshawn had yelled at a Cowboys assistant coach. Keyshawn denied it and said, and I quote, "I almost wanted to get on a plane, find where she is at, and sit her down and spank her with a ruler really, really hard, because it makes no sense." When asked what she would do if Johnson tried to spank her, "I will punch him in the face," Oliver said.
Hey Keyshawn, I guess the spanking pick-up line didn’t work. Maybe it’s time to try a couple of new ones. Here’s a few that are bound to work:
Nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you work at Subway? [No, why?] Because you just gave me a 12 incher!
Did you come from hell? Cause your ass is hot!
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me horny.
[Grab her bum] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
I’m just wondering if you are wearing space pants, because your ass is out of this world.
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by again?
Do you want to see something swell?
And if those don’t work for you, Keyshawn, maybe you should use a couple of proven Bevis & Butthead lines:
Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.
What's your sign? Is it "Yield"?
My lips are registered weapons.
I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.
*Herm Edwards insanity watch:
http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/jets/ny-spjets284021539oct28,0,7916234.story?coll=ny-sports-headlines
*Reader Request (and since we have 2 readers, we have to do what they say!)
This week’s reader request: ‘More Matlock.’ No problem!
Viewer Comments:
"Matlock was one of my all time favorite shows, probably because of growing up with Andy. Anyway, I didn't mind it at all that in the first episodes you had Don Knotts as the neighbor, his appearances were few and far between. The first season he had Christine, Linda Purl, for his daughter and assistant. Even when Conrad replaced Keenen it still was alright because the show always explained what and where they went. When Michelle Thomas was his sidekick along with Conrad it just couldn't get any better. But then the assistant he got which was the son of the meanest man which was Ben Matlocks friend from the past, then things started to go downhill. When his sometime girlfriend Julie wasn't on as much giving a little sexual tension between them it started to get bland. But the all time worse move was the ending of one season with a two parter where a rich widow was trying to seduce Ben so he wouldn't nail her with the murder of her husband. It was the run of the mill episode but when the next season started, Ben was suddenly reunited with his now divorce daughter, and guess what it was the same character that played the rich widow that was all over him the season before. Also, there was NO mention of what daughter this was. You always felt that his daughter was Christine, since he only had ONE child, then who was LeAnn, maybe if he worked her into the story as Christine’s older, or half or adopted or whatever sister. But nothing was ever said and that was it for me, I hate it when a show goes along and is good then someone wants to mess with it. Oh and please don’t get me started on the dopey assistants that came after Conrad and Michelle left."
That’s all well and good, but what was Matlock’s QB rating?
"My mother watches this show, and I just don't get how Ben Matlock, a lawyer, makes all this money, and he always eats CHILI DOGS in every freaking episode!! Go to McDonald's or Domino's or something!! Every episode he has a chili dog!!! ARRRGH!!!"
So the man likes chili dogs? You don’t like chili dogs? Freakin’ communist.
"Lemme see if I got this all straight... Ben Matlock was from Mt. Harlan (probably a reference to those Col. Sanders suits.) Cliff Arquette's old hillbilly character Charley Weaver got letters from home from Mount Ivy (or Mount Idie). People riding the Hooterville Cannonball were going to Mount Holly. Mount Pilot was a community on the outskirts of Mayberry. So that means that the guy who said Andy Griffith's Ben Matlock character should retire and go back to Mt. Pilot was referring to a location from the earlier Andy Griffith Show. In other words, HE WAS JOKING. But was the later poster who stated Matlock was from Mt. Harlan, not Mt. Pilot, also joking? Because if he was being serious and just didn't "get" that the Mt. Pilot reference was a joke, then his "get your facts straight" comment seems awfully ironic, and it suggests there are TV fans who know more about Matlock than the far superior Andy Griffith show, which is just plain wrong. I don't know, I guess I just don't "get" this modern conceptual comedy. (I like old fashioned juvenile dirty jokes. "Going to Mount Holly" - get it?)"
I’d say there’s a lot that you don’t "get."
"For 6 seasons, Matlock was one of the best shows on television until it switched from the Peacock (NBC) to ABC in the Fall of 1992. This switch coincided with the departure of Nancy Stafford (who played assistant Michelle Thomas) and Clarence Gilyard (who played P.I. Conrad McMasters) who both left prior to the start of the 1992 TV season. When they were replaced by Brynn Thayer (Matlock's daughter, LeAnn) and Daniel Roebuck (Ben's assistant, Cliff) the traits which made the show great, a compelling mystery laced with timely humor and unique plots were replaced with ridiculous storylines that often were unrelated to the story's central plot. Throughout its first 6 seasons at NBC, the plot always centered around Andy Griffith (Matlock); he always laced Matlock's small-town boyishness with a fiery temper and a Harvard intellect so perfectly that he displayed more depth of character than in "The Andy Griffith Show" of the 1960's. The other characters on Matlock, always played off of Griffith so well, that Matlock was always at the top in the ratings. But when the show went to ABC, Griffith's role (perhaps his choice because of his age) diminished. His daughter, LeAnn, practiced more cases and she often seemed to be the central focus of the plot, instead of Matlock. Griffith, if anything, played more of a supporting role, and with weak actors such as Roebuck and Carol Huston (Jeri), the show suffered enormously. By the last three seasons on ABC, Matlock had turned from a intriguing show of mystery to a watered down version of the old "Nashville Network." The cases were de-emphasized and parodies of Matlock's senility were overemphasized with him playing silly country songs on his guitar and banjo. Funny thing is, the worst of Matlock is still better than some of the "best" stuff that is on network TV now."
I think that’s enough Matlock for a while.
Set my picks free!
¶ 3:25 PM 1 comments
My picks are in the litter box, so I must have 9 lives.
Overall: 53-59-4, but did I win the popular vote?
Last Week: 4-10, uh, no.
Best Bets: 7-8-1, lowest score wins, right? Like golf?
BB Last Week: 0-2, breaking my 1-1 streak. The bad way.
Prologue: I don’t wish to alarm anyone, especially our nation’s senior citizens with their weak hearts and antiquated government entitlements, but this is the second miserable week for BTK. Maybe I didn’t put enough time into last week’s picks. Sure, bye weeks are usually reserved for the healing of hammys (which didn’t happen, btw, and a man is only as good as him hammy), the talking of trash (you should have heard me berate my broken stereo), maybe some conditioning drills (does using a shampoo plus conditioner count?), getting DUIs (I knew I shouldn’t have donated my car to a charity for the blind, they probably drive worst than drunk people do!), and losing your position to a roster player (henceforth, BTK will be composed by left-leaning political bloggers – they have a lot of free time these days). But instead my bye week was spent sucking at football predictions, something at which I have demonstrated an aptitude, but certainly not something that would be considered the modus operandi of this blog. Lately it feels like there’s not ‘b’ on this blog and I’m not so much making picks, as just posting a log. After Week 7’s 3-10-1 and Week 8’s 4-10, BTK has to reassess the state of its haruspices. I have the feeling that I’m getting low-grade animal entrails and tea leaves from my supplier. Given, I smoke most of the tea leaves before actually consulting them to predict the future; and, okay, I pan-fry and eat most of the animal entrails after smoking the tea leaves, but still… Wait, what was my point? Oh yeah, craptastic picks. Is it the middle of the season doldrums or something? Let’s look at some of the ridiculous upsets of the last two weeks: Vikes blown out by the Giants and score only 13 points; 5-2 Broncos giving up, at home, 41 points to the previously inept falcons offense; Steelers putting up 34 on the Pats. And that’s only week 8, how about week 7? Eagles need OT to beat the Browns; Fins-Rams 31-14; 2-4 Chiefs score 56 points against one of the top 5 defenses. Yowsers. Stupid mid-season. I’ll show ‘em this week. Fuck the exit polls. Looks like I’m far behind, right? Women made all those picks. Let’s bring in the evangelical picks! Jesus saves! Hopefully he also covers.
Jets (-3) vs. Bills: Funny the weight we give to divisional games. Sure, it helps in some elaborate playoff formula that Stephen Hawking couldn’t explain to me (robot voice or not), but it also leads to a lot of stinker games, which we’re supposed to think are meaningful. As if the Bills have any playoff chance. They have two wins, against the Cards and Fins. That’s about as impressive as the Fins offense. Are the Bills really comfortable playing the spoiler role halfway through the season? Or will all spoilage involve the play of drew Bledsoe. One order of interceptions with a side of fumbles, waitron. The Jets bring the league’s 2nd best rushing attack against the Bills 2nd ranked rush defense. And still this manages to be borrrring. Curtis martin had 115 yards last week. Guess what? Lamont Jordon had 115 yards too. Guess what? While watching the Jets game last week, I rushed to the fridge to get beer and had 19 carries for 35 beers and, that’s right, 115 yards.
Picksgiving: Jets
Eagles (PK) vs. Steelers: The battle for PA, like anyone would want it. It’s Primanti Bros. vs Joe’s Cheesesteaks. City of Love vs. City of Steel. Red state vs. Blue state. East vs. West. The Pitts and the Philadulums. Will TO mime a bus driver when he scores a touchdown? Can the Steelers end the 7-game win streak after ending the 21-game win streak? The Eagles record hides a good amount of luck and ineptitude inside those 7 wins. The Steelers have been much more impressive in their five-win streak. But lordy, after so many Korsmells and Tommy Baddox years, it’s amazing to think that Bill Cower might keep his job b/c of Big Ben Rothlisburgh as they’re calling him. The Eagles needed OT to beat the Browns and 1 TD to beat the Ravens. These teams together have as many wins as the Eagles. The other big story is the ‘Return of the Deuce,’ and no that isn’t a movie starring James Woods and Robert Redford as a couple of art thieves looking for one big final score (and if it were, pay a visit to the Munch Museum in Norway, guys!) "I don't have anything personal to prove to them. I was there seven years, so they know about Duce," Staley said. "If it was something personal, Deuce thinks Deuce would be showing Deuce’s teammates Deuce wanted to be over there instead of being here. That's not the case." (Okay, I changed some personal pronouns to Deuces in the second sentence, but the first is legit. The collective bargaining agreement should prohibit all football players from referring to themselves in the third person). Without Westbrook to establish the run (please don’t tell me Dorsey Levens is going to do it) the Eagles will struggle against the NFL’s 9th ranked pass defense. Sure, TO. Put three d-backs, four cheerleaders, and an assistant trainer on him. Who else are they going to pass to? A blocking tight end? Todd ‘skinny legs’ Pinkston? Heinz field vs. Lincoln financial. Condiments vs. insurance. I’ll take the sauce please.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Redskins (+3) vs. Lions: Well the Redskins blew it. Sure they lost, but another pointless trend was debunked. The incumbent lives. Joe Gibbs must have brought his NASCAR dad moxie to the game. It’s worthless to even talk about these coincidental stats, so maybe it’s best if we let it go. After a drubbing of the Giants, the Lions looked like they could actually be a 6-2 team with games against the Cowboys and the Skins. But they were infected with the virus of Vinny Greenballs who threw for 3 TDs (and 3 INTs, just to remind us he’s 97 years old) and gave the Lions their first road loss. On the other side, Brunell is last in the NFL with a 52.4 completion percentage, which is especially shocking since the majority of those throws are to the turf. Even the ground isn’t catching the ball! Then again, for the Lions last week, they had 39 yards rushing on 14 carries. Not to belabor the point, but I could pee 39 yards on 14 urination attempts. Maybe they should hand the ball off to my penis. Big gains, my friend! They also had 112 yards in penalties. If only motion penalties would be allowed a place on the roster. If the Redskins lose on the road the week after the election when coming off a loss as home dogs, does that mean the Undersecretary of Health and Human Labor resigns after a botched panty raid?
Picksgiving: Lions, I guess.
Cowboys (-1) vs. Bengals: Stars and Stripes, baby! Deficits and intolerance, baby! Plutocracy and zealotry, baby! Or I guess it’s Stars vs. Stripes. A house divided against itself is like a mobile home in a Category 5 hurricane. But really, I think it’s late enough in the season that we can stop talking about games like this. From now on, each stinker game of the week will get one BTK-penned pop culture review. Wouldn’t you rather know whether or not to see ‘Saw’ than which team is going to win this game? You’re going to get the pick anyway.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Raiders (+7) vs. Panthers: The Panthers are giving up seven? What seven injuries? Seven roster spots? Seven running backs? What alternative universe brings us this spread? Did Zalltron the Imperious win command of the Galactic Senate or something? And what the hell is Zalltron going to do about the taxes on my al-kee-hol? You get the feeling that these two superbowl busts didn’t get the analytical eye of the Vegas spreadlords. I think Veags’ lack of attention lead to this game getting the spread meant for another contest. There is something pathetic about the meeting of these two teams. They are like geezers gathered around the dialysis bingo table, somebody is going to win, but their heart might give out doing it. The Raiders have lost 13 straight on the road and 16 of their last 20 games overall. They have allowed at least 30 points in each of their last five contests. Both teams have lost five straight games. Wow, it’s just like a rematch of that Bills-Fins game! Remember the drama of that gladiatorial contest? Yeah, me neither. Funny thing, I’ve forgotten about this game even though I’m currently writing about it. See, even though I’m punching the keys on the keyboard and putting together coherent thoughts (hypothetically, at least) about this game, I’m thinking of rainbows and dewdrops and leprechauns and about all the leftover Halloween candy. Anybody want to crush up some Sweet Tarts and do some lines? No? How about I give you $5 to eat 40 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in 5 minutes? No? Fine. I hope there’s a razor in your apple. "It's obvious we're not capable of putting drives together, and it's obvious we're not capable of putting defensive stands together," said Raiders coach Norv Turner. From what I can tell, Norv, you’re not capable of putting a football team together either. The Panthers aren’t in much better shape, but at least they can blame that old bugaboo Mr. Injury for many of their troubles. It looks like they’re going to have another week with Brad Hoover (aka Brad Whover) as the running game. Further research finds their 4th-string back in named Nick Goings. More like… wait for it… Nick Goings nowhere. Hold the applause. I guess a running game like this is maybe good for Del Homey’s fantasy stats. Really, fantasy is about the only thing relevant to this game. Not the fantasy that I’ll be paying any attention, but you can only go so far. Favoring a 1-6 team by 7 points makes me wonder if there’s something I don’t know. In the end, ugh, it’s just too many points in a crapfest. Crapfests take points. In the crapbook. And I’m going to audible to the crapbook right now.
Picksgiving: Raiders
Cards (+3) vs. Fins: Here’s NFL.com’s take on the game: "The Arizona Cardinals haven't won a road game in more than two years. A matchup with the Miami Dolphins might be coming at the perfect time." Um, perfect time for whom, exactly? I don’t remember the league existing to serve the fragile, road-loss egos of the Az. Cards. I believe it’s an entertainment enterprise in service to me, the average fan (um, who is way above average, btw). Yes, this game would be coming at the ‘perfect time’ for the NFL fan if it took place right after Armageddon perhaps. Otherwise, save your breath. It’s week frigging 9 and we have Cowboys-Bengals, Raiders-Panthers, and Cards-Fins. And I haven’t even gotten to the Browns-Ravens! When you’re hyping games as a possible scenario for a team to end a long-running streak of ineptitude, you’re really scraping the bottom of the dung barrel. Why don’t you just promise some injuries? You’re bound to attract the interest of the sadism crowd, at the very least. "A week ago, we looked fast and quick and explosive," Cards coach Dennis Green said. Sorry Denny, but you were just sitting on the fast forward button when watching game film. What can you say about these games? I can’t even muster the energy to ridicule them. Gamble on them, sure; but mockery just takes so much more out of you. I don’t know, whoever gets points…
Picksgiving: Cards
Chiefs (-3) vs. Bucs: Well the Chiefs have 1130 total yards and 101 points in the last two games. Christ! This was a 1-4 team. What the hell is going on? Chief Priest has 41 touchdowns in the past 20 games. Man, maybe he was the one who brought out the religious vote on Tuesday. By way of contrast, the Bucs have scored 109 points all season. That's about all we need to know. The Bucs have decided to Griese the wheels and see what happens. Usually that means a loss of vehicular control – not a situation known to lead to happy endings, but so far he’s done better than the Simmsulation of a QB they had going in previous games. I don’t yet trust the CW that the Chiefs are back, but the Bucs should put up little opposition.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Bears (+9) vs. Giants: Bears starting QB Craig Krenzel has a degree in molecular genetics. Craig, are you sure that playing for the Bears was the correct career decision? The 5-2 Giants have continued to impress the league, but it can only be so long before the mistakes of Kurt Warner ruin the team’s chances. You can only bail out Kon-Tiki so many times. It isn’t every week that Big Blue can win with Warner putting the ball on the turf three times. I’m Warnering you, his turnovers will kill them. And for all the early season surprise that the O-line didn’t tackle their own players, they have now given up more sacks than any other team except the Fins. If the defense can continue to give up the second fewest points per game in the league (16.1), they can stay competitive. But a shaky O-line, turnovers, and a middling pass attack spell trouble down the road. And plenty of trouble covering 9 points. Come on, it’s the Giants we’re talking about.
Picksgiving: Bears
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. 49ers: Damn, the 49ers are playing like it’s 1849. There’s gold in them there fumbles! Injuries have killed the defense, the rush, and the pass game. Huh, but that mediocre special teams is a step in the right direction! After losing three in a row, the Seahawks still couldn’t cover against the wounded Panthers last week. Sure, they put a tranquilizer in the cat’s rump, but they need to put that cat to sleep if they think anyone is going to take them seriously as a playoff team. Of course, the Seahawks won the last meeting against this divisional rival 34-nil, so maybe this is just the medicine they need to, uh, to, er, to vaccinate against that influenza. Shaun Alexander had 195 yards and 2 TDs last week. Maybe you should give him the ball! Yeah, great idea, BTK! Give the ball to the guy with the ridiculous stats! We can expect more of that this week as the Seahawks WR corps is banged up to all hell. Jerry Rice is hurt. I know, real shocker. Did he break a hip or something? The only healthy receiver is Koren Robinson, so we should expect about 25 dropped passes this game. I’m thinking maybe the Seahawks should have two receivers run the same route, right next to each other, so that when one drops the ball maybe the other will be in position to catch it. Then, instead of getting a ‘dropped pass’ stat, the first WR who drops it can get a ‘passes offensed’ stat. Yes, I just invented a new statistic. Take that, Billy Beane! Right now the 49ers are just awful, awful, awful. If Seattle can’t cover a TD, then they don’t deserve that space needle. They deserve the euthanasia needle.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Saints (+6.5) vs. Chargers: Take a good long look in the mirror New Orleans Saints, because you are getting a touchdown vs. the Chargers. The world is basically squatting over your team and taking a shit on you. Ask yourself, are you going to make jambalaya out of it or are you going, uh, to forget to add cajun seasonings? Next question: is this the point where I make a bad "fresh brees" pun like every other hack out there. No. This is where I say that ‘fresh breeze’ is a bad metaphor from a feminine hygiene commercial. Drew was 22 of 25 last week for 5 TDs and no INTs. Somebody smell ‘contract year’ on that ‘fresh breeze?’ But I have sympathy for the man, he did get screwed by the organization and blamed for much of the bad play (and, let’s face it, coaching) around him. I’m not excusing his play last year because it wasn’t pretty. Let’s just hope he gets a big contract in, uh, Miami. Maybe he can get together with Ricky Williams. The comeback kids. The Saints are coming off their bye week. Funny, but it seems like every week is the bye week for the saints, they just sometimes have to go out on the field for it. The Chargers bring in the numero uno run defense. Do you really expect the Saints to make plays through the air? Maybe Donte Stallworthless will make them. Sorry, scratch that, he just got demoted to 3rd string. I worry a bit about the Bolts giving up 6.5, but it is the Saints, after all, and on the road.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Patriots (-2) vs. Rams: Oh no, the glorious Patriots have had their precious streak ended. The British are coming! The British are coming! I’m especially worried about how this loss effect the relationship between Tom Brady and G.W. Will the conservatives abandon Brady now that he’s shown his vulnerability? Or will we invade Foxborough to save them from themselves? Corey Dillon and both Pats CBs are hurt, which doesn’t bode well for the Pats. Last week with Dillon hurt, the Pats’ leading rusher was Kevin Faulk with 4 yards on 5 carries. You’re posting some Bettis-type numbers there, Kev, but without the touchdowns. The Rams are coming off the bye. Sure, they have played down to opponents and their defense has looked suspect at times, but everything points Rams. And we’re all tired of the Pats by now.
Picksgiving: Rams
Texans (+6.5) vs. Broncos: The Texans come in looking to match their single-season record of wins here in Week 9. The Broncos come in having thrown for 499 yards last week and still losing big to the Falcons. Rod Smith had his first 100-yard receiving game since Week 5… of 2003; Reuben Droughns had only 49 yards rushing last week. I don’t see the mile-high air letting the Broncos will by much, given their turnover problems of late.
Picksgiving: Texans
Browns (+6) vs. Ravens: New look Browns match up against the old look Browns. New shit browns against old shit browns. Jamal Lewis is back, and he’s phoning in a huge yardage buy. He’ll take 100 kilos of yardage and a half pound of TDs. But anything he does will no doubt be negated by Kyle Boller and his 3 TDs & 11 INTs in 7 games. Yes, the Ravens lost to the Browns earlier this season, but lately they’ve played tough against good teams, which the Browns aren’t. Sunday night should be the Ravens revenge.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Vikes (+6) vs. Colts: It isn’t so much a battle of wills as a battle of wilts. Both teams are notorious for caving in big games, but the Colts have done much less of that this year and are in a dogfight with the Jags (god, and the Texans) to win their division. The Colts simply must win this game, even if Peyton has to throw for 35 touchdowns. I never thought I’d type this, but the Vikes will miss Mewelde Moore. They’ll also miss Randy Moss, who suits up for one play each week to keep some phony streak alive. Of course, he hasn’t caught a pass since Week 6. Now that’s the kind of Randy Ratio I like.
Picksgiving: Colts.
Bye week: Falcons, Jags, Pack, Titans, electoral sanity.
Best Best (2 per week): Chiefs, Raiders. Fingers crossed.
Errata:
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations):
All the hubbub this week is about TO’s little imitation of Ray Lewis after scoring the winning touchdown in last week’s Eagles-Ravens game. Lewis then called TO a "coward" and TO hit back with comments about Lewis’ involvement in the double-murder trial in Atlanta. Let’s leave the verbal sparring aside and focus, with laser-like intensity as always, on the dance. Basically, TO mockingly imitated another man’s dance. I give him credit for taking the touchdown dance to the meta level and everything, but it’s also pretty stupid. TO was a merchandising major in college (and let’s pretend he attended a single class to get that degree) and his little antics increasingly seem about nothing more than extending the brand of TO. Come on, he wear’s hats with his website address on them. How stupid is that? He’s right to point out the hypocrisy of the league embracing a double-murder suspect but having a hissy fit over a guy with a Sharpie. But TO’s attention-getting-deficit disorder seems ever more unhinged. And his complaints about the league or the press or whoever is supposedly demonizing him reveal a rather strong persecution complex for a successful multi-millionaire. Oh, who cares, I’m sick of TO. I’m giving this week’s award to Johnny Morton and his awesome version of the Worm. That man can break! Too bad he’s too old to get many chances to do it.
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Is it possible that the boner pill commercials have simply become so ubiquitous that I don’t even notice them anymore? I feel like it’s the same old ‘geezers in separate bathtub’ spot or ‘wife looking a little frisky’ ad that’s been running for a couple of season. These boner pill ad campaigns need boner pills of their own. Where’s Ditka dickin’? Where’s that football through the tire? That said, below are the odds for which current player will become a spokesperson in a future boner pill advertising campaign.
Kordell Stewart:
Odds: 100-1.
Nobody sleeps with a loser. Adam, Eve, or Steve.
Ron Dayne:
Odds: 75-1
Known for being incapable of hitting the hole.
Warren Sapp:
Odds: 60-1
Helped by his reputation around the league as a "huge cock."
A.J. Feely:
Odds 30-1
A.J. can you Feely? Pinball wizard. Etc. Etc.
Carson Palmer:
Odds 20-1
Synonymous with performance problems.
Kurt Warner:
Odds: 18-1.
Known for fumbling in the pocket, if you know what I mean.
Tom Brady:
Odds: 10-1.
Harem of slutty Republican chicks requires an 8-hour boner.
Marc Bulger:
Odds 10-1
Put a Bulger in your pocket.
Ricky Williams:
Odds: 8-1.
Is there a drug he isn’t on?
Ben Roethlisberger:
Odds: 5-1.
Even Bigger Ben.
*The Stadium Scene:
On Tuesday, Arlington, Texas voters decided to give the Cowboys a new stadium. Gee, I wonder how they are going to pay for another retractable-roof behemoth? Let’s see:
A 0.5 percent sales tax increase.
A 2 percent hotel-occupancy tax increase.
A 5 percent car-rental tax increase.
Up to a 10 percent ticket tax on events at the stadium.
Up to a $3 parking tax at the stadium.
Those Republicans, so crazy with that tax cutting. Wait a minute…
*10 things that I think that Peter King thinks that he thinks:
1) Does my butt look big in these pants?
2) Does my butt look big out of these pants?
3) If you reverse my names, I am King Peter, lord of all Peters.
4) I drink coffee, like every other person. I feel the need to tell people about it, like few other people.
5) A column called Monday Morning Quarterback is a perfect place to talk endlessly about the Red Sox and girl’s high school field hockey.
6) How much liver can one person eat? Have intern look up on web.
7) When I ride on the train, it goes ‘Choo! Choo!’
8) I have ‘Monday Morning Quarterback,’ Gregg Easterbrook has ‘Tuesday Morning Quarterback,’ and Phil Simms’ new book is called ‘Sunday Morning Quarterback.’ Who in God’s name is doing the afternoon quarterbacking?
9) If I weren’t writing about professional football, I think I’d like to pen a column about midget bowling.
10) My sources inside the league tell me that the Superbowl will be held in Jacksonville this year.
*Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies):
Ricky Williams finally got around to applying for reinstatement this week. Here’s one of the articles:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=pasquarelli_len&id=1914446
Through the awesome research power of the internet, I was able to acquire a copy of Ricky’s letter to the league:
Dear Official Head Football Person Guy,
Yo, what up brah? Hey dawg, this is Ricky barkin’ at ya. Man, oh, look dude, I’m like totally sorry about that whole retirement thing. That was, just, like, a phase, man. Not the real me, dude. Not at all. See, I was just like, you know, out there man. Way out there. There were like gazelles and shit where I was. All kind of crazy stuff, man. You really gotta try some of this, man; it’s crazy good, dude. It’ll totally knock you on your ass. I can hook you up with a dude. Yo, Jamal’s got his number on his cellphone. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. True. But what was I sayin’? Oh yeah, that whole ‘I don’t want to play anymore’ thing. That wasn’t me talkin’, I promise. No no no, I’m bein’ serious here. No, listen to me, dude. This is the Rickster talking. The real deal. From the heart, dawg. I don’t know who was saying that shit. But it wasn’t me. I mean, if it was, then I musta, you know, like gotten a bad batch or something….
And so on. That bit isn’t really going anywhere. The stoner voice inflections don’t really jump off the page. But I stand behind the concept. That way you can’t see me.
*In Other News:
Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready to rumble? In one corner we have Keyshawn Johnson and in the other corner we have Pam Oliver. Last week, Oliver reported that on the sideline Keyshawn had yelled at a Cowboys assistant coach. Keyshawn denied it and said, and I quote, "I almost wanted to get on a plane, find where she is at, and sit her down and spank her with a ruler really, really hard, because it makes no sense." When asked what she would do if Johnson tried to spank her, "I will punch him in the face," Oliver said.
Hey Keyshawn, I guess the spanking pick-up line didn’t work. Maybe it’s time to try a couple of new ones. Here’s a few that are bound to work:
Nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you work at Subway? [No, why?] Because you just gave me a 12 incher!
Did you come from hell? Cause your ass is hot!
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me horny.
[Grab her bum] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
I’m just wondering if you are wearing space pants, because your ass is out of this world.
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by again?
Do you want to see something swell?
And if those don’t work for you, Keyshawn, maybe you should use a couple of proven Bevis & Butthead lines:
Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.
What's your sign? Is it "Yield"?
My lips are registered weapons.
I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.
*Herm Edwards insanity watch:
http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/jets/ny-spjets284021539oct28,0,7916234.story?coll=ny-sports-headlines
*Reader Request (and since we have 2 readers, we have to do what they say!)
This week’s reader request: ‘More Matlock.’ No problem!
Viewer Comments:
"Matlock was one of my all time favorite shows, probably because of growing up with Andy. Anyway, I didn't mind it at all that in the first episodes you had Don Knotts as the neighbor, his appearances were few and far between. The first season he had Christine, Linda Purl, for his daughter and assistant. Even when Conrad replaced Keenen it still was alright because the show always explained what and where they went. When Michelle Thomas was his sidekick along with Conrad it just couldn't get any better. But then the assistant he got which was the son of the meanest man which was Ben Matlocks friend from the past, then things started to go downhill. When his sometime girlfriend Julie wasn't on as much giving a little sexual tension between them it started to get bland. But the all time worse move was the ending of one season with a two parter where a rich widow was trying to seduce Ben so he wouldn't nail her with the murder of her husband. It was the run of the mill episode but when the next season started, Ben was suddenly reunited with his now divorce daughter, and guess what it was the same character that played the rich widow that was all over him the season before. Also, there was NO mention of what daughter this was. You always felt that his daughter was Christine, since he only had ONE child, then who was LeAnn, maybe if he worked her into the story as Christine’s older, or half or adopted or whatever sister. But nothing was ever said and that was it for me, I hate it when a show goes along and is good then someone wants to mess with it. Oh and please don’t get me started on the dopey assistants that came after Conrad and Michelle left."
That’s all well and good, but what was Matlock’s QB rating?
"My mother watches this show, and I just don't get how Ben Matlock, a lawyer, makes all this money, and he always eats CHILI DOGS in every freaking episode!! Go to McDonald's or Domino's or something!! Every episode he has a chili dog!!! ARRRGH!!!"
So the man likes chili dogs? You don’t like chili dogs? Freakin’ communist.
"Lemme see if I got this all straight... Ben Matlock was from Mt. Harlan (probably a reference to those Col. Sanders suits.) Cliff Arquette's old hillbilly character Charley Weaver got letters from home from Mount Ivy (or Mount Idie). People riding the Hooterville Cannonball were going to Mount Holly. Mount Pilot was a community on the outskirts of Mayberry. So that means that the guy who said Andy Griffith's Ben Matlock character should retire and go back to Mt. Pilot was referring to a location from the earlier Andy Griffith Show. In other words, HE WAS JOKING. But was the later poster who stated Matlock was from Mt. Harlan, not Mt. Pilot, also joking? Because if he was being serious and just didn't "get" that the Mt. Pilot reference was a joke, then his "get your facts straight" comment seems awfully ironic, and it suggests there are TV fans who know more about Matlock than the far superior Andy Griffith show, which is just plain wrong. I don't know, I guess I just don't "get" this modern conceptual comedy. (I like old fashioned juvenile dirty jokes. "Going to Mount Holly" - get it?)"
I’d say there’s a lot that you don’t "get."
"For 6 seasons, Matlock was one of the best shows on television until it switched from the Peacock (NBC) to ABC in the Fall of 1992. This switch coincided with the departure of Nancy Stafford (who played assistant Michelle Thomas) and Clarence Gilyard (who played P.I. Conrad McMasters) who both left prior to the start of the 1992 TV season. When they were replaced by Brynn Thayer (Matlock's daughter, LeAnn) and Daniel Roebuck (Ben's assistant, Cliff) the traits which made the show great, a compelling mystery laced with timely humor and unique plots were replaced with ridiculous storylines that often were unrelated to the story's central plot. Throughout its first 6 seasons at NBC, the plot always centered around Andy Griffith (Matlock); he always laced Matlock's small-town boyishness with a fiery temper and a Harvard intellect so perfectly that he displayed more depth of character than in "The Andy Griffith Show" of the 1960's. The other characters on Matlock, always played off of Griffith so well, that Matlock was always at the top in the ratings. But when the show went to ABC, Griffith's role (perhaps his choice because of his age) diminished. His daughter, LeAnn, practiced more cases and she often seemed to be the central focus of the plot, instead of Matlock. Griffith, if anything, played more of a supporting role, and with weak actors such as Roebuck and Carol Huston (Jeri), the show suffered enormously. By the last three seasons on ABC, Matlock had turned from a intriguing show of mystery to a watered down version of the old "Nashville Network." The cases were de-emphasized and parodies of Matlock's senility were overemphasized with him playing silly country songs on his guitar and banjo. Funny thing is, the worst of Matlock is still better than some of the "best" stuff that is on network TV now."
I think that’s enough Matlock for a while.
Set my picks free!
¶ 3:25 PM 1 comments
