Block That Kick!
Friday, October 08, 2004
Week 5
Bandwagons currently boarding
Overall: 29-28-3, head above water
Last Week: 8-5-1, good ‘nuff for guv’ment work
Best Bets: 4-3-1, screw the 527s, what about the 431s?
BB Last Week: 1-1, did someone tell the Saints they were in Arizona?
Prologue: How the pendulum doth swing! If last week was the day of the home ‘dog, then we are ‘trending’ in the other direction now. Sure, there’s something to be said about home-field advantage, but I think they’re taking this a little too far, what with only 3 road faves. We’ve also reached that point in the season where the caffeine-addled sports press starts crowding around teams with surprising records. Some of the hype is legitimate, but you get the feeling that a lot of teams at 3-1 or so right now won’t be getting into the playoffs. And I think a lot of teams that have been written off can pull some surprising upsets. Which makes it a good time for gambling, though I’m sure my record won’t reflect that on Tuesday. Why do these prologues always end up sounding like stupid locker-room pep talks? Okay, next week I’ll just cut and past some generic quotations from each losing coach’s post-game interview. That should give us plenty of talk about ‘endurance’ and ‘giving it your all’ and ‘100% of some something or other.’ What a load of malarkey.
Dolphins (+12.5) vs. Patriots: I don’t think it illustrates any great powers of prognostication, but I predicted the collapse of the Fish well before the season began. It wasn’t tough to call, but I was surprised to see so little about it in the media. Four weeks in and this is a team in utter disarray. They continue to throw away draft picks to plug holes with mid-tier players. They’re on their fifth running back. They have scored two touchdowns so far this season. This has been oft-documented, but it’s worth repeating: The Dolphins quarterbacks have thrown more touchdown passes to the other team than to their own receivers. Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga made his fortune with the company Waste Management. Talk about irony! There are also reports that Fins coaches are digging up corpses in a nearby graveyard to try and create an army of zombie running backs. The upsides are that the zombies will play for the minimum salary and that the numerous south Florida graveyards will provide an endless number of corpses to fill roster vacancies. The downsides are that the Fins can only run one running play (46 Brains off-tackle Brains! crackback BRAINS!!!) and that after especially viscous tackles the zombie running backs tend to lose the football, limbs, and sometimes their head. The Dolphins have asked the league to clarify whether it is a personal foul to remove your helmet on the field if the helmet contains a head… The other great irony of this game is that it is the Patriots’ opportunity to break the record for consecutive wins. The record is currently held by the Dolphins and is sacrosanct in the organization, you know, since Marino couldn’t win a Superbowl and all. For what it’s worth, the Fins defense has been playing well, but the offense is in such a shambles that it doesn’t really matter. The question here is the points. The Pats haven’t really blown anyone out this year, beating the Cards by 11 and struggling with the Bills for much of the game last week. What am I saying? The Fish are terrible.
Picksgiving: Pats.
Browns (+6) vs. Steelers: Lordy, it’s like The Bus broke down but is still charging people for rides. Here’s his current stat line: 18 rushes for 22 yards, and 5 touchdowns. That’s 1.2 yards/carry. His longest run is for 7 yards. His touchdown runs are of 1, 1, 1, 2, and 1 yards. He has 11 rushes (of his 18) for 1 yard or less. That’s some Enron-like accounting. Not to harp on it, but Bettis could literally take the handoff and simply fall down and get those numbers. Sure, he enjoys getting the touchdowns, but he’s pissed because he still hasn’t reached that contractual performance bonus of 1.5 yards/carry. At his current rate, it would take him over 8 plays to reach a first down. Silly… Roethlisberger has won his first two starts, which is the first time a rookie has won his – oh I don’t care about stats like this. Which is the tenth time since 1986 that I’ve made that comment. The running game will be key here, as neither team has established much of a passing attack so far this season. Really, neither team has established much of a first-down attack either. Jeff Garcia still claims, here in week 5, that he doesn’t fully understand the Browns offense. Here’s a hint, Garcia: it involves a lot of interceptions! Unfortunately for these teams, ‘running game’ means Deuce Staley and Lee Suggs. Now I’m not Suggsgesting anything (rim shot please), but points in this game will come off of special teams, maybe a turnover or two, and The Bus breaking a touchdown scamper of 0.7 yards. In low scoring games, take the points.
Picksgiving: Browns.
Raiders (+9) vs. Colts: Well, well, well. What do we have here? Is it, in fact, one Kerry Collins? Oh it is, is it? Wait. Hold on. What’s this I see? Three interceptions and two lost fumbles, eh? How about that. Kerry, you dog, up to your old tricks again… Sure some of the turnovers were due to an unexpected amount of blitzing by the Texans, but most were the same old Kerry Collins sloppy play. Like, say, not being ready for the shotgun snap and having it bounce off your chest and recovered by the other team. Generally not a good play. Of course, Kerry Collins probably has it diagrammed on his wristband. He likes to audible to the fumble. The big problem wasn’t necessarily the turnovers (lord knows the Texans have had their fair share), but the fact that the last four Raiders offensive series of the game all ended in turnovers. Not good. The Colts ended the Jags winning streak last week, putting up 24 points against their defense and outlasting yet another Jags last second win attempt. But the Colts could face some match-up problems in this game, both with their undersized line getting pushed around (and the emergence of Amos Zereoue… HAHA! Just kidding! That was a joke!), and their suspect secondary getting burned, assuming Kerry Collins can handle a snap. Or a handoff. Or a pass. But I’m wary of the Colts covering this big of a line. While they’ve more or less shaken their role as clutch-time choke artists, the Raiders are emerging as this year’s spoiler team. This could be a letdown game for the Colts, and the Raiders have won the last four meetings.
Picksgiving: Raiders.
Lions (+6.5) vs. Falcons: In 1977, inside a secret laboratory bunker hidden beneath the Appalachians, one lonely scientist and his trusted assistant Igor dared to dream. Using complex formulations involving mold, pigskin, and breakfast foods, they conducted countless trials, tests, and experiments. After an untold number of failures, lightening finally struck and the mad scientists’ unthinkable dream was realized. Combining the corpse of one former athlete, some sod from a football field endzone, pond scum, and the breakfast from one donut shop, they created a stunning creature capable of playing professional football. In honor of his mold & donut origins, they named this creature Alge Crumpler and unleashed him upon the NFL. (Is it me or is this week’s BTK getting a little zombie-centric. If only life were a little more zombie-centric. Or death. Whichever.) Crumpler currently has as many receptions as the two starting wide receivers. Vick’s numbers illustrate the fact that the Falcons are being carried by their defense. Vick is averaging 151.3 passing yards a game and has a high of 179 and no rushing TDs. The defense is second in the league in sacks (176), rushing yards allowed (62.8 yards/game), and scoring allowed (12.2 pts/game). The Lion come off the bye week, but will be without RB Kevin Jones, which will allow the Falcons to drop an extra man and help its suspect secondary. Harrington is just the man to give them a few interceptions.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Bucs (+3) vs. Saints: The battle for the Gulf Coast. God, who even wants the Gulf Coast? Doesn’t most of it belong to Mexico, anyway? Michael Pittman is back for the Bucs after his suspension for ramming his car into the car carrying his girlfriend, his baby, and the babysitter. Beware, this man does not like cars! And I guessing that babysitter didn’t get much of tip that night. Like the Dolphins, the defense for the Bucs has played well but is continually undermined by the inept offense. Wisely, Gruden has written the year off and will start Chris Simms at QB. Funny thing, Moses just stopped by my cubicle. He says he just came down from the mountain and while he was up there he heard the voice of God. "What’d he say, M-man," I ask. He says the clouds parted, a blinding ray of sunshine shone forth, and a booming voice proclaimed "Let the Chris Simms era… BEGIN!" The scripture says that in the beginning there was the Phil Simms. I guess we’re moving into the New Simms Testament here. Papa Phil is working the Raiders-Colts game, but I’d love to hear what he says about his son getting the start. I’m kidding! Never in my life have I wanted to hear anything Phil Simms says. Hearing his voice is a kind of punishment I endure in order to watch a Jets game. Watching a Jets game is a kind of punishment I endure in order to watch a Giants game. Watching a Giants game is a kind of punishment I endure… am I supposed to be talking about a game here?
Picksgiving: Saints.
Giants (+3.5) vs. Cowboys: Giant Cowboys and the World of Tomorrow! Playing in a theater near you! Watch as Kurt Warner summons Jesus to help him keep the Giant Cowboys from lassoing his passes out of the air! Watch as Vinny Testaverde steals the futuristic technology of the Giant Cowboys and twists it to give immortality to his passing arm. Watch as the Giant Cowboys have a hoedown in Dallastown! Starring: Bill Parcells as Evil Tuna, Ronde Barber as Tiki Barber, and Eddie George as the Cowboy’s pathetic rushing game… The Giants are coming off their third straight win and are considered one of the leagues ‘red-hot’ teams. Hot enough to cause mild discomfort, maybe. Hot enough to cause a modicum of sweating, perhaps. And so on. This is a classic letdown game for the Gints, not to mention it being against a big divisional rival coming off a bye week, and in Texas. Nothing goes well in Texas. Sometimes, unfortunately, we shift that affliction to the entire country. That’s right, I’m looking at you LBJ! The Giants secondary has held up lately, but they should get quite a workout from Dallas’s receivers and Vinny’s, oh, 10,000 passing attempts. The Cowboys are 11-4 coming off a bye week.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Vikings (-4) vs. Texans: Well, the Texans put together their first two-game winning streak. Uh, ever. Well that only took 36 games! The streak meant the much-ballyhooed David Carr haircut could go forward. Huh. I guess I didn’t really know that David Carr was growing his hair out, you know, since I would never watch a Houston Texans game. But apparently the idea came from his dad. Carr mentioned his dad’s idea and the media pounced. Carr said: "Then I kind of felt bad for him, so I jumped in on the deal. But he’s the one that needs the haircut pretty bad. I have actually trimmed mine a couple of times. But he is out of control. He hasn’t even touched it for six months." First, so you trimmed it? Then what the hell was all this hype about? Second, six months? Um, that’s it? Whatever. Describing his new cut, Carr said: "It’s not going to be too short. We never won two games in a row when I had short hair." So you’re getting a haircut or not getting a haircut or keeping it short or not. I have not idea what’s going on anymore. Tell me David Carr, was it your hair that gave up 117 yards and 2 TDs to Amos Zereoue last week? Or did you forget to shave your legs or something?
Picksgiving: Vikes.
Bills (+6.5) vs. Jets: It’s a divisional game, but I can’t see it mattering much. The Bills continue to make mistakes and not move the ball and rely on the questionable arm of Drew Bledsoe. The Bills offense Bledsoe much last week they required medical attention. Perhaps from David Lee Roth who is training to become an EMT in New York? David Lee Roth as an EMT? Does that sound like a good idea to anyone? The Jets are coming off a bye week and sit at 3-0. Could the Jets go 4-0? Seems impossible. The offense has played well, but the defense is suspect and has too many injuries to get the big stops, especially against the run. Why can’t they give the touchdown here, because my upset-sniffing dog is going crazy? What’s that, Rusty? Chad Pennington fell down a well? Eh, we’ll get around to saving eventually. Maybe. Come on, Rusty, can’t you stop sniffing out Jets quarterbacks and find me some bud or something? I’m gonna need it for this game.
Picksgiving: Bills.
Jaguars (-3) vs. Chargers: The Jags are 14 of 49 on 3rd down conversions and 5 of 7 on its 4th down conversions. Clearly they need to start taking a knee on third down and go for it on fourth. For once, the Jags couldn’t put together a last-second victory over the superior Colts last week. The Chargers shocked the Titans and Brees had 3 TDs and no INTs. The Jags stout run defense will keep L.T. in check and force Brees to continue throwing the ball. Who know what that means. One week Brees looks like Joe Montana, the next week he looks like A.J. Feely. I’m guessing this week he’s going to look like Dick Cheney. Will Drew Brees find the Weapons of Pass Destruction? Or will the Chargers be forced to score all their points by kicking the ball between the yellow aluminum tubes? And where, exactly, does Iran fit into all of this. Moolah. Ayatoola. Home Underdooga.
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Panthers (+5.5) vs. Broncos, 4:15 pmThe former Cardiac Cats simply haven’t gotten the breaks they did last year and find themselves beset by injuries and limping along at 1-2 headed into Mile High. The Broncos, however, continue their streak of playing down to bad teams, needing a last second field goal to beat the profoundly mediocre Bucs. They did manage to win on the road in both Tampa and Jacksonville and now return to their high-altitude, middle-longitude home field. Is it possible the Delhomme is no longer del homey? Or will Jake the Snake slither to another 73.5 passer rating? Jake Plummer prepares for each game with a bowl of oatmeal and some Bob Marley on the stereo. ‘Nuff said.
Picksgiving: Panthers.
Rams (+7) vs. Seahawks: If you put the name of the two starting quarterbacks together, you would get either Hasslebulger or Bulgerback. Oddly enough, both are quality brands of luncheon meats. The Seahawks have never opened a season 4-0, but their league-leading defense is producing turnovers, which have lead to 31 of their 65 points. The Rams demolished the useless 49ers last week. For once, Mike Martz managed not to bungle a game with his psychiatric-hospital-inspired play calling. Off the bye week, I think the Seahawks will win pretty easily, but 7 points just seems like too many to give up to a Rams team that has scored at least 17 points in every game.
Picksgiving: Rams.
Cardinal (+1) vs. 49ers: They should call them the Cardiac Cards since they provide heart seizures to football aficionados everywhere. This game is the battle for last place. The only good aspect of this game is that somebody has to win. Karmic justice would have this game end in a tie. Maybe 3-3. Here’s what my weekly football guide has to say about this game. "The Cardinals’ advantage is they don’t have to drive as far to be in field-goal position for Neil Rackers." Now that’s an advantage! I think I would be willing to crawl upon all fours through a wading pool of filth to avoid this game. Even a wading pool of filth filled with Raider’s fans in facepaint. It would be amusing if the teams actually were battling for last place. They could intentionally throw the ball to the other team (you know, like A.J. Feely!) and fumble every snap, kneel in their own endzone, just see how many points they could give to the other team in a desperate attempt to lose the game and hold their grasp on last place. I would never bet on this game, but I suppose the dictates of form force me to make a choice. The line is insignificant and I guess the Cards already have their one win. At least the 49ers can form a huddle; not a perfectly round huddle, mind you, but pretty darn close.
Picksgiving: 49ers.
Ravens (PK) vs. Redskins: Quoth the raven, god I’m bored.
Picksgiving: Ravens.
Titans (+3) vs. Packers: The Myth of Favre looks a little rickety these days. Even Favre is admitting that sometimes he’s just throwing the ball up in the air, usually into double coverage. If it were anyone else throwing those prayers, they would be excoriated for their sloppy play. But lucky for Farve, Javon Walker bails him out time and again with awesome catches. They certainly never should have let Brett back in the game, but what are you gonna do? Apparently after the game, when Warner mentioned Favre’s touchdown pass, Brett didn’t know that he had thrown one. Whoops. Both the Pack and the Titans come off of relatively embarrassing losses (Pack to Giants at Lambeau & Titans to Chargers). It’s surprising the Pack are giving any points considering the losses at home this year. And the Pack secondary has played so poorly that they can’t get caught in another shootout. McNair should have a big game, if he’s well enough to play. Maybe he and Favre can sit on the sidelines and have an injury contest. But the Titans defense has it’s own worries, giving up 131.3 yards rushing per game and a league-worst 5.5 yards per carry. If Ahman Green can hold onto the ball (a rather large ‘if’ these days) the Pack will try to keep the Titans offense off the field. With defenses this terrible, take the points.
Picksgiving: Titans
bye: Bears, Bengals, Chiefs, Eagles
Best Bet (2 per week): Saints, Bills
Errata:*Out of Bounds:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0689865597/qid=1097079221/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_2_1/102-4931096-5958559
first review, please.
*When you dance (touchdown celebrations):
Finally T.O. pays another visit to this column. After scoring a touchdown last Sunday, T.O. dropped to the turf and did six sit-ups. Lucky for T.O., his teammates had gathered around, so there were plenty of people to spot him in case he tried a risky seventh sit-up. "I was trying to get my workout in," Owens said when asked about the celebration after the game. "I didn't get much done during the pregame." Well, T.O., if you didn’t get much done before the game, what exactly is your workout? Ten sit-ups? Also, I don’t want to speculate too much, but I think the league needs to do something before players start bringing their exercise bikes into the endzone to stay loose between scoring a touchdown and returning to the bench.
*Footballweb:
Do you ever find yourself wondering what Brad Johnson does to get ready for a game? What? No? Well I guess this won’t interest you:
http://www.usa.visa.com/microsites/nfl/index.html?ep=v_sym_nfl
*Tiki’s Fake (‘Tiki’s Take’ Rewritten):
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/7766687
Week in and week out in the NFL, it is simply impossible to predict who will fumble and who will lose games.
All week long we listen to the players make their boasts and tell you why this team will beat that team, and every week the so-called professionals are lucky if they fumble on half of their wild carries (I mean, runs). Yet the following week, they are right back at it again.
Just taking a quick look at the fumbles should make us all realize how crazy and unpredictable an NFL season can be. Warner has 3 fumbles, Eli has 1 fumble.
Granted, it's still early, but these all are players that have been to the fumblebowl in recent years. It just goes to show you how quickly things can spill to the ground for a team in this league. Tampa Bay has had one of the best defenses in the league the past few years… but their offense has scored only 4 fumbles this year in four games. That's not going to win you many games. Green Bay hasn't won a fumble game yet this year. Tennessee has lost three straight fumbles, including two at home.
What is fumbling on?
Well, I'll tell you what's fumbling on ... people live and die by what they read in the papers or hear on television, but they can't measure what a team is fumbling behind closed doors.
We are a perfect example of that. In training camp and the preseason, you would have thought we should have just fumbled all of our games because we were "obviously" going to go 0-16. A fumble to Philly to start things off didn't help and then "miracle of miracles," we fumble not one, not two, but three times in a row. I'm not ready to say we are going to break the Patriots' current streak of 18 fumbles and counting, but once again we come back to that same old boring cliché about fumbling one ball at a time, blah blah blah.
I've actually heard a lot of interviews by Patriots players, and you can tell they are focused solely on the fumbling they are doing that specific week. They don't look ahead, they don't speculate about what might be and they don't live off their past fumbles. They approach each fumble seven fumbles at a time, and then start over fumbling.
We weren't as bad as our 13 preseason fumbles or our fumble to Philadelphia, and we might not be as good as our 31 fumbles now. Who knows? The fact is that we're probably somewhere in the middle -- just like most other teams -- and that's fine. But the way we approach every game now is quite simple: "It's not about what they fumble, it's about what we fumble" that matters.
*Election Special (Watching football is the same as voting!)
V.P. Debate special. All responses are actual quotations.
Bailey: I‘m J.J. Bailey of ‘Block That Kick!’ and I welcome you to the first and the only vice presidential debate between Keyshawn Johnson and John Gruden. The first question goes to Keyshawn. You have said that the war in Iraq is the wrong war at the wrong time. Does that mean that if you had been president and vice president that Saddam Hussein would still be in power?
Keyshawn Johnson: He had the nerve to ask me once why I didn't like him. I said, 'Come on, motherfucker. You know why I don't like you.' This is the same guy who dogged Tim Brown in meetings all year and then went out and signed him. Why would I want to be with a two-faced motherfucker like that?
Bailey: You have 30 seconds to respond, Mr. Gruden.
Gruden: You have to stay upbeat. You have to stay confident in the vision that you have. In the end, that’s all you can do, the very best that you can. That’s what I try to convey to these players. You do the very best that you can, you max out, and that’s plenty good enough because that’s hard to do.
Bailey: New question to you, Mr. Gruden. Tonight we mentioned Afghanistan. We believe that Osama bin Laden is hiding perhaps in a cave somewhere along the Afghan-Pakistan border. If you get another term, what is your plan to capture him and then to neutralize those who have sprung up to replace him?
Gruden: You have to break it down into quarters, four quarters a season. You are 0-4, which has been well said. The second quarter of the season gives you a new opportunity. You have to take one game at a time.
Bailey: Mr. Johnson, you have 90 seconds to respond
Johnson: Ronde Barber is an Uncle Tom. They'll cut him one day like they do everybody else but he's trying to be political and kiss Gruden's butt. This guy is 30 years old and he's saying I'm affecting what he does.
Bailey: Mr. Gruden, a new question for you. When the coach says that Keyshawn is emboldening enemies and you say that we could get hit again if players make the wrong choice in November, are you saying that it would be a dangerous thing to have Keyshawn as president?
Gruden: I won’t say that at this time. We have nine players out of the lineup right now. We are as deep into the roster as anybody in history of football in the fourth week of the season. Kenyatta (Walker) will play, you might see (Sean) Mahan in some isolated situation, and you might see Anthony Davis play at some point. The same can be said for Chris Simms. We just have to find a way to win and until we do we are just going to get frustrated.
Bailey: You have 30 seconds to respond, Mr. Johnson.
Johnson: I heard he was telling people I couldn't play but it's like I told him last year, there are only so many walls he can penetrate.
Bailey: My Johnson, new question to you. Do you feel personally attacked when Mr. Gruden talks about liability reform and tort reform and the president talks about having a trial lawyer on the ticket?
Johnson: You're not a genius.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Kendrell Bell, an inside linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, will miss at least the next two games with what is being called a sports hernia. A sports hernia is different than a regular hernia in that your lower intestine sinks into your footballs instead of your regular balls. Thank you! I’ll be here all week!
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
"The NFL is an acquired taste that Americans have acquired less as an alternative reality than as an intensification of modern reality, although why they want that is a mystery."
-- George Will
I think everyone wishes George wouldn’t.
*Find Deion:
Needless to say, there is media whore Deion on MNF’s new "You’ve Been Sacked" segment. Deion: too hurt to actually play football, but never too hurt to preen for its cameras.
*Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Panthers vs. Broncos (Played on all-pro mode even though there are no pros involved).
Midway though the first quarter, I hit the valuable X-O-R1-L2 button combo to slay the giant spider, Spydor, in a boss fight to end all boss fights. After killing the spider I get enough gold coins to attain invisibility, which should go nicely with my new crossbow… hey wait a minute! Who put this fantasy role-playing game in there!
During halftime, I use the left analog controller to aim my sniper rifle in order to pick-off the guard in front of the compound where the terrorists are holding the hostages. After a successful snipe I enter the building through a back window and clear any remaining rooms with my M-16, taking only three hits. Thankfully I’ve got enough medic points to… hey, who put this 3rd-person stealth/shooter game in there!
Towards the end of the game, I line up a 60-foot putt with the directional pad. Unfortunately I read the break wrong and the putt goes wide, giving me another bogie and sinking my score to 8 over. I’m totally gonna crush the ball on the next tee… hold on one second, what is the golf crap doing in my gaming system!
*Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies): http://www.nytimes.com/2004/09/24/sports/football/24drugs.html
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Coors: The Coldest tasting beer in the world. (Actual new Coors tagline)
Coors: The vomitest tasting vomit in the vorld!
Coors: Finally catching up to this thing you call ‘refrigeration’!
Coors: Taste the temperature!
Coors: Cold… and twins!
Coors: I’m BRRRRRRRUNK!
Coors: Get your tongue stuck to this!
Coors: Beating the living shit out of room temperature!
Coors: Ice Ice Baby! (Caution: Not for babies)
Coors: Similarly coldly different!
Coors: Fresh brewed from an ice-cube tray!
Coors: Beercicle. Rock On!
(coming soon) Pete Coors: The coldest-acting politician in the world
*The Stadium Scene:
I kept hitting the goddamn X button, but all I could do was go 1-15!
http://helix.azcentral.com/ramgen/realvideo/azcardinalssite/CARDINALS.rm
*In other news:
Here’s Ricky in July: "Everyone has thrown every possible scenario at me about why I shouldn't do this, but they're in denial. I'm happy with my decision."
Here’s Ricky Williams’ agent Leigh Steinberg in July: "He said he simply didn't feel the passion and motivation that is a prerequisite for playing his position."
Here’s Ricky Williams’ agent Leigh Steinberg this week: "Ricky has asked me to explore and to try to facilitate his return. He has a passion for playing football and is excited about playing."
Ricky must have found some good Thai "Passion" Stick to get that passion back. And to think I ever tried to defend him.
In other sports news, NASCAR fined Dale Earnhardt for cursing. I don’t want to put too fine a point on it, but what a fucking joke. Earnhardt said ‘shit’ in a post-race television interview, and that shit hit the fan. They fined him and dropped him from first to second in the points standings. Thanks FCC. Thanks Janet Titty Jackson. And right as we were making inroads for cursing on network television. Give ‘em fucking hell, Dale, you crazy son of a bitch!
Here’s a good quote from the Washington Post article."'Any sport depends on personality to drive it. It's almost the First Commandment of sports, because sports is entertainment. You've got to have the personalities,' said veteran race promoter H.A. "Humpy" Wheeler of Lowe's Motor Speedway outside Charlotte."
NASCAR immediately fined the Washington Post for using the profanity "humpy."
Other big news this week was that a team finally won the Ansari X prize by getting a civilian craft into outer space. The craft that won was called SpaceShipOne. Original name there guys. I can’t imagine what the next one will be called. SpaceShipTwo, perhizzle? And Ansari X? Now what kind of name is that? Is there going to be an Ansari XXX prize. Now that’s some deep space penetration! For what it’s worth, the team that won did go 69 miles up in the air. Did Larry Flynt finance this thing?
So this is how Raider Nation rolls:
http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/breaking/100704raider.html
The Silver & Black don’t take no shit from Siegfried & Roy.
¶ 1:04 PM 0 comments
Bandwagons currently boarding
Overall: 29-28-3, head above water
Last Week: 8-5-1, good ‘nuff for guv’ment work
Best Bets: 4-3-1, screw the 527s, what about the 431s?
BB Last Week: 1-1, did someone tell the Saints they were in Arizona?
Prologue: How the pendulum doth swing! If last week was the day of the home ‘dog, then we are ‘trending’ in the other direction now. Sure, there’s something to be said about home-field advantage, but I think they’re taking this a little too far, what with only 3 road faves. We’ve also reached that point in the season where the caffeine-addled sports press starts crowding around teams with surprising records. Some of the hype is legitimate, but you get the feeling that a lot of teams at 3-1 or so right now won’t be getting into the playoffs. And I think a lot of teams that have been written off can pull some surprising upsets. Which makes it a good time for gambling, though I’m sure my record won’t reflect that on Tuesday. Why do these prologues always end up sounding like stupid locker-room pep talks? Okay, next week I’ll just cut and past some generic quotations from each losing coach’s post-game interview. That should give us plenty of talk about ‘endurance’ and ‘giving it your all’ and ‘100% of some something or other.’ What a load of malarkey.
Dolphins (+12.5) vs. Patriots: I don’t think it illustrates any great powers of prognostication, but I predicted the collapse of the Fish well before the season began. It wasn’t tough to call, but I was surprised to see so little about it in the media. Four weeks in and this is a team in utter disarray. They continue to throw away draft picks to plug holes with mid-tier players. They’re on their fifth running back. They have scored two touchdowns so far this season. This has been oft-documented, but it’s worth repeating: The Dolphins quarterbacks have thrown more touchdown passes to the other team than to their own receivers. Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga made his fortune with the company Waste Management. Talk about irony! There are also reports that Fins coaches are digging up corpses in a nearby graveyard to try and create an army of zombie running backs. The upsides are that the zombies will play for the minimum salary and that the numerous south Florida graveyards will provide an endless number of corpses to fill roster vacancies. The downsides are that the Fins can only run one running play (46 Brains off-tackle Brains! crackback BRAINS!!!) and that after especially viscous tackles the zombie running backs tend to lose the football, limbs, and sometimes their head. The Dolphins have asked the league to clarify whether it is a personal foul to remove your helmet on the field if the helmet contains a head… The other great irony of this game is that it is the Patriots’ opportunity to break the record for consecutive wins. The record is currently held by the Dolphins and is sacrosanct in the organization, you know, since Marino couldn’t win a Superbowl and all. For what it’s worth, the Fins defense has been playing well, but the offense is in such a shambles that it doesn’t really matter. The question here is the points. The Pats haven’t really blown anyone out this year, beating the Cards by 11 and struggling with the Bills for much of the game last week. What am I saying? The Fish are terrible.
Picksgiving: Pats.
Browns (+6) vs. Steelers: Lordy, it’s like The Bus broke down but is still charging people for rides. Here’s his current stat line: 18 rushes for 22 yards, and 5 touchdowns. That’s 1.2 yards/carry. His longest run is for 7 yards. His touchdown runs are of 1, 1, 1, 2, and 1 yards. He has 11 rushes (of his 18) for 1 yard or less. That’s some Enron-like accounting. Not to harp on it, but Bettis could literally take the handoff and simply fall down and get those numbers. Sure, he enjoys getting the touchdowns, but he’s pissed because he still hasn’t reached that contractual performance bonus of 1.5 yards/carry. At his current rate, it would take him over 8 plays to reach a first down. Silly… Roethlisberger has won his first two starts, which is the first time a rookie has won his – oh I don’t care about stats like this. Which is the tenth time since 1986 that I’ve made that comment. The running game will be key here, as neither team has established much of a passing attack so far this season. Really, neither team has established much of a first-down attack either. Jeff Garcia still claims, here in week 5, that he doesn’t fully understand the Browns offense. Here’s a hint, Garcia: it involves a lot of interceptions! Unfortunately for these teams, ‘running game’ means Deuce Staley and Lee Suggs. Now I’m not Suggsgesting anything (rim shot please), but points in this game will come off of special teams, maybe a turnover or two, and The Bus breaking a touchdown scamper of 0.7 yards. In low scoring games, take the points.
Picksgiving: Browns.
Raiders (+9) vs. Colts: Well, well, well. What do we have here? Is it, in fact, one Kerry Collins? Oh it is, is it? Wait. Hold on. What’s this I see? Three interceptions and two lost fumbles, eh? How about that. Kerry, you dog, up to your old tricks again… Sure some of the turnovers were due to an unexpected amount of blitzing by the Texans, but most were the same old Kerry Collins sloppy play. Like, say, not being ready for the shotgun snap and having it bounce off your chest and recovered by the other team. Generally not a good play. Of course, Kerry Collins probably has it diagrammed on his wristband. He likes to audible to the fumble. The big problem wasn’t necessarily the turnovers (lord knows the Texans have had their fair share), but the fact that the last four Raiders offensive series of the game all ended in turnovers. Not good. The Colts ended the Jags winning streak last week, putting up 24 points against their defense and outlasting yet another Jags last second win attempt. But the Colts could face some match-up problems in this game, both with their undersized line getting pushed around (and the emergence of Amos Zereoue… HAHA! Just kidding! That was a joke!), and their suspect secondary getting burned, assuming Kerry Collins can handle a snap. Or a handoff. Or a pass. But I’m wary of the Colts covering this big of a line. While they’ve more or less shaken their role as clutch-time choke artists, the Raiders are emerging as this year’s spoiler team. This could be a letdown game for the Colts, and the Raiders have won the last four meetings.
Picksgiving: Raiders.
Lions (+6.5) vs. Falcons: In 1977, inside a secret laboratory bunker hidden beneath the Appalachians, one lonely scientist and his trusted assistant Igor dared to dream. Using complex formulations involving mold, pigskin, and breakfast foods, they conducted countless trials, tests, and experiments. After an untold number of failures, lightening finally struck and the mad scientists’ unthinkable dream was realized. Combining the corpse of one former athlete, some sod from a football field endzone, pond scum, and the breakfast from one donut shop, they created a stunning creature capable of playing professional football. In honor of his mold & donut origins, they named this creature Alge Crumpler and unleashed him upon the NFL. (Is it me or is this week’s BTK getting a little zombie-centric. If only life were a little more zombie-centric. Or death. Whichever.) Crumpler currently has as many receptions as the two starting wide receivers. Vick’s numbers illustrate the fact that the Falcons are being carried by their defense. Vick is averaging 151.3 passing yards a game and has a high of 179 and no rushing TDs. The defense is second in the league in sacks (176), rushing yards allowed (62.8 yards/game), and scoring allowed (12.2 pts/game). The Lion come off the bye week, but will be without RB Kevin Jones, which will allow the Falcons to drop an extra man and help its suspect secondary. Harrington is just the man to give them a few interceptions.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Bucs (+3) vs. Saints: The battle for the Gulf Coast. God, who even wants the Gulf Coast? Doesn’t most of it belong to Mexico, anyway? Michael Pittman is back for the Bucs after his suspension for ramming his car into the car carrying his girlfriend, his baby, and the babysitter. Beware, this man does not like cars! And I guessing that babysitter didn’t get much of tip that night. Like the Dolphins, the defense for the Bucs has played well but is continually undermined by the inept offense. Wisely, Gruden has written the year off and will start Chris Simms at QB. Funny thing, Moses just stopped by my cubicle. He says he just came down from the mountain and while he was up there he heard the voice of God. "What’d he say, M-man," I ask. He says the clouds parted, a blinding ray of sunshine shone forth, and a booming voice proclaimed "Let the Chris Simms era… BEGIN!" The scripture says that in the beginning there was the Phil Simms. I guess we’re moving into the New Simms Testament here. Papa Phil is working the Raiders-Colts game, but I’d love to hear what he says about his son getting the start. I’m kidding! Never in my life have I wanted to hear anything Phil Simms says. Hearing his voice is a kind of punishment I endure in order to watch a Jets game. Watching a Jets game is a kind of punishment I endure in order to watch a Giants game. Watching a Giants game is a kind of punishment I endure… am I supposed to be talking about a game here?
Picksgiving: Saints.
Giants (+3.5) vs. Cowboys: Giant Cowboys and the World of Tomorrow! Playing in a theater near you! Watch as Kurt Warner summons Jesus to help him keep the Giant Cowboys from lassoing his passes out of the air! Watch as Vinny Testaverde steals the futuristic technology of the Giant Cowboys and twists it to give immortality to his passing arm. Watch as the Giant Cowboys have a hoedown in Dallastown! Starring: Bill Parcells as Evil Tuna, Ronde Barber as Tiki Barber, and Eddie George as the Cowboy’s pathetic rushing game… The Giants are coming off their third straight win and are considered one of the leagues ‘red-hot’ teams. Hot enough to cause mild discomfort, maybe. Hot enough to cause a modicum of sweating, perhaps. And so on. This is a classic letdown game for the Gints, not to mention it being against a big divisional rival coming off a bye week, and in Texas. Nothing goes well in Texas. Sometimes, unfortunately, we shift that affliction to the entire country. That’s right, I’m looking at you LBJ! The Giants secondary has held up lately, but they should get quite a workout from Dallas’s receivers and Vinny’s, oh, 10,000 passing attempts. The Cowboys are 11-4 coming off a bye week.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Vikings (-4) vs. Texans: Well, the Texans put together their first two-game winning streak. Uh, ever. Well that only took 36 games! The streak meant the much-ballyhooed David Carr haircut could go forward. Huh. I guess I didn’t really know that David Carr was growing his hair out, you know, since I would never watch a Houston Texans game. But apparently the idea came from his dad. Carr mentioned his dad’s idea and the media pounced. Carr said: "Then I kind of felt bad for him, so I jumped in on the deal. But he’s the one that needs the haircut pretty bad. I have actually trimmed mine a couple of times. But he is out of control. He hasn’t even touched it for six months." First, so you trimmed it? Then what the hell was all this hype about? Second, six months? Um, that’s it? Whatever. Describing his new cut, Carr said: "It’s not going to be too short. We never won two games in a row when I had short hair." So you’re getting a haircut or not getting a haircut or keeping it short or not. I have not idea what’s going on anymore. Tell me David Carr, was it your hair that gave up 117 yards and 2 TDs to Amos Zereoue last week? Or did you forget to shave your legs or something?
Picksgiving: Vikes.
Bills (+6.5) vs. Jets: It’s a divisional game, but I can’t see it mattering much. The Bills continue to make mistakes and not move the ball and rely on the questionable arm of Drew Bledsoe. The Bills offense Bledsoe much last week they required medical attention. Perhaps from David Lee Roth who is training to become an EMT in New York? David Lee Roth as an EMT? Does that sound like a good idea to anyone? The Jets are coming off a bye week and sit at 3-0. Could the Jets go 4-0? Seems impossible. The offense has played well, but the defense is suspect and has too many injuries to get the big stops, especially against the run. Why can’t they give the touchdown here, because my upset-sniffing dog is going crazy? What’s that, Rusty? Chad Pennington fell down a well? Eh, we’ll get around to saving eventually. Maybe. Come on, Rusty, can’t you stop sniffing out Jets quarterbacks and find me some bud or something? I’m gonna need it for this game.
Picksgiving: Bills.
Jaguars (-3) vs. Chargers: The Jags are 14 of 49 on 3rd down conversions and 5 of 7 on its 4th down conversions. Clearly they need to start taking a knee on third down and go for it on fourth. For once, the Jags couldn’t put together a last-second victory over the superior Colts last week. The Chargers shocked the Titans and Brees had 3 TDs and no INTs. The Jags stout run defense will keep L.T. in check and force Brees to continue throwing the ball. Who know what that means. One week Brees looks like Joe Montana, the next week he looks like A.J. Feely. I’m guessing this week he’s going to look like Dick Cheney. Will Drew Brees find the Weapons of Pass Destruction? Or will the Chargers be forced to score all their points by kicking the ball between the yellow aluminum tubes? And where, exactly, does Iran fit into all of this. Moolah. Ayatoola. Home Underdooga.
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Panthers (+5.5) vs. Broncos, 4:15 pmThe former Cardiac Cats simply haven’t gotten the breaks they did last year and find themselves beset by injuries and limping along at 1-2 headed into Mile High. The Broncos, however, continue their streak of playing down to bad teams, needing a last second field goal to beat the profoundly mediocre Bucs. They did manage to win on the road in both Tampa and Jacksonville and now return to their high-altitude, middle-longitude home field. Is it possible the Delhomme is no longer del homey? Or will Jake the Snake slither to another 73.5 passer rating? Jake Plummer prepares for each game with a bowl of oatmeal and some Bob Marley on the stereo. ‘Nuff said.
Picksgiving: Panthers.
Rams (+7) vs. Seahawks: If you put the name of the two starting quarterbacks together, you would get either Hasslebulger or Bulgerback. Oddly enough, both are quality brands of luncheon meats. The Seahawks have never opened a season 4-0, but their league-leading defense is producing turnovers, which have lead to 31 of their 65 points. The Rams demolished the useless 49ers last week. For once, Mike Martz managed not to bungle a game with his psychiatric-hospital-inspired play calling. Off the bye week, I think the Seahawks will win pretty easily, but 7 points just seems like too many to give up to a Rams team that has scored at least 17 points in every game.
Picksgiving: Rams.
Cardinal (+1) vs. 49ers: They should call them the Cardiac Cards since they provide heart seizures to football aficionados everywhere. This game is the battle for last place. The only good aspect of this game is that somebody has to win. Karmic justice would have this game end in a tie. Maybe 3-3. Here’s what my weekly football guide has to say about this game. "The Cardinals’ advantage is they don’t have to drive as far to be in field-goal position for Neil Rackers." Now that’s an advantage! I think I would be willing to crawl upon all fours through a wading pool of filth to avoid this game. Even a wading pool of filth filled with Raider’s fans in facepaint. It would be amusing if the teams actually were battling for last place. They could intentionally throw the ball to the other team (you know, like A.J. Feely!) and fumble every snap, kneel in their own endzone, just see how many points they could give to the other team in a desperate attempt to lose the game and hold their grasp on last place. I would never bet on this game, but I suppose the dictates of form force me to make a choice. The line is insignificant and I guess the Cards already have their one win. At least the 49ers can form a huddle; not a perfectly round huddle, mind you, but pretty darn close.
Picksgiving: 49ers.
Ravens (PK) vs. Redskins: Quoth the raven, god I’m bored.
Picksgiving: Ravens.
Titans (+3) vs. Packers: The Myth of Favre looks a little rickety these days. Even Favre is admitting that sometimes he’s just throwing the ball up in the air, usually into double coverage. If it were anyone else throwing those prayers, they would be excoriated for their sloppy play. But lucky for Farve, Javon Walker bails him out time and again with awesome catches. They certainly never should have let Brett back in the game, but what are you gonna do? Apparently after the game, when Warner mentioned Favre’s touchdown pass, Brett didn’t know that he had thrown one. Whoops. Both the Pack and the Titans come off of relatively embarrassing losses (Pack to Giants at Lambeau & Titans to Chargers). It’s surprising the Pack are giving any points considering the losses at home this year. And the Pack secondary has played so poorly that they can’t get caught in another shootout. McNair should have a big game, if he’s well enough to play. Maybe he and Favre can sit on the sidelines and have an injury contest. But the Titans defense has it’s own worries, giving up 131.3 yards rushing per game and a league-worst 5.5 yards per carry. If Ahman Green can hold onto the ball (a rather large ‘if’ these days) the Pack will try to keep the Titans offense off the field. With defenses this terrible, take the points.
Picksgiving: Titans
bye: Bears, Bengals, Chiefs, Eagles
Best Bet (2 per week): Saints, Bills
Errata:*Out of Bounds:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0689865597/qid=1097079221/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_2_1/102-4931096-5958559
first review, please.
*When you dance (touchdown celebrations):
Finally T.O. pays another visit to this column. After scoring a touchdown last Sunday, T.O. dropped to the turf and did six sit-ups. Lucky for T.O., his teammates had gathered around, so there were plenty of people to spot him in case he tried a risky seventh sit-up. "I was trying to get my workout in," Owens said when asked about the celebration after the game. "I didn't get much done during the pregame." Well, T.O., if you didn’t get much done before the game, what exactly is your workout? Ten sit-ups? Also, I don’t want to speculate too much, but I think the league needs to do something before players start bringing their exercise bikes into the endzone to stay loose between scoring a touchdown and returning to the bench.
*Footballweb:
Do you ever find yourself wondering what Brad Johnson does to get ready for a game? What? No? Well I guess this won’t interest you:
http://www.usa.visa.com/microsites/nfl/index.html?ep=v_sym_nfl
*Tiki’s Fake (‘Tiki’s Take’ Rewritten):
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/7766687
Week in and week out in the NFL, it is simply impossible to predict who will fumble and who will lose games.
All week long we listen to the players make their boasts and tell you why this team will beat that team, and every week the so-called professionals are lucky if they fumble on half of their wild carries (I mean, runs). Yet the following week, they are right back at it again.
Just taking a quick look at the fumbles should make us all realize how crazy and unpredictable an NFL season can be. Warner has 3 fumbles, Eli has 1 fumble.
Granted, it's still early, but these all are players that have been to the fumblebowl in recent years. It just goes to show you how quickly things can spill to the ground for a team in this league. Tampa Bay has had one of the best defenses in the league the past few years… but their offense has scored only 4 fumbles this year in four games. That's not going to win you many games. Green Bay hasn't won a fumble game yet this year. Tennessee has lost three straight fumbles, including two at home.
What is fumbling on?
Well, I'll tell you what's fumbling on ... people live and die by what they read in the papers or hear on television, but they can't measure what a team is fumbling behind closed doors.
We are a perfect example of that. In training camp and the preseason, you would have thought we should have just fumbled all of our games because we were "obviously" going to go 0-16. A fumble to Philly to start things off didn't help and then "miracle of miracles," we fumble not one, not two, but three times in a row. I'm not ready to say we are going to break the Patriots' current streak of 18 fumbles and counting, but once again we come back to that same old boring cliché about fumbling one ball at a time, blah blah blah.
I've actually heard a lot of interviews by Patriots players, and you can tell they are focused solely on the fumbling they are doing that specific week. They don't look ahead, they don't speculate about what might be and they don't live off their past fumbles. They approach each fumble seven fumbles at a time, and then start over fumbling.
We weren't as bad as our 13 preseason fumbles or our fumble to Philadelphia, and we might not be as good as our 31 fumbles now. Who knows? The fact is that we're probably somewhere in the middle -- just like most other teams -- and that's fine. But the way we approach every game now is quite simple: "It's not about what they fumble, it's about what we fumble" that matters.
*Election Special (Watching football is the same as voting!)
V.P. Debate special. All responses are actual quotations.
Bailey: I‘m J.J. Bailey of ‘Block That Kick!’ and I welcome you to the first and the only vice presidential debate between Keyshawn Johnson and John Gruden. The first question goes to Keyshawn. You have said that the war in Iraq is the wrong war at the wrong time. Does that mean that if you had been president and vice president that Saddam Hussein would still be in power?
Keyshawn Johnson: He had the nerve to ask me once why I didn't like him. I said, 'Come on, motherfucker. You know why I don't like you.' This is the same guy who dogged Tim Brown in meetings all year and then went out and signed him. Why would I want to be with a two-faced motherfucker like that?
Bailey: You have 30 seconds to respond, Mr. Gruden.
Gruden: You have to stay upbeat. You have to stay confident in the vision that you have. In the end, that’s all you can do, the very best that you can. That’s what I try to convey to these players. You do the very best that you can, you max out, and that’s plenty good enough because that’s hard to do.
Bailey: New question to you, Mr. Gruden. Tonight we mentioned Afghanistan. We believe that Osama bin Laden is hiding perhaps in a cave somewhere along the Afghan-Pakistan border. If you get another term, what is your plan to capture him and then to neutralize those who have sprung up to replace him?
Gruden: You have to break it down into quarters, four quarters a season. You are 0-4, which has been well said. The second quarter of the season gives you a new opportunity. You have to take one game at a time.
Bailey: Mr. Johnson, you have 90 seconds to respond
Johnson: Ronde Barber is an Uncle Tom. They'll cut him one day like they do everybody else but he's trying to be political and kiss Gruden's butt. This guy is 30 years old and he's saying I'm affecting what he does.
Bailey: Mr. Gruden, a new question for you. When the coach says that Keyshawn is emboldening enemies and you say that we could get hit again if players make the wrong choice in November, are you saying that it would be a dangerous thing to have Keyshawn as president?
Gruden: I won’t say that at this time. We have nine players out of the lineup right now. We are as deep into the roster as anybody in history of football in the fourth week of the season. Kenyatta (Walker) will play, you might see (Sean) Mahan in some isolated situation, and you might see Anthony Davis play at some point. The same can be said for Chris Simms. We just have to find a way to win and until we do we are just going to get frustrated.
Bailey: You have 30 seconds to respond, Mr. Johnson.
Johnson: I heard he was telling people I couldn't play but it's like I told him last year, there are only so many walls he can penetrate.
Bailey: My Johnson, new question to you. Do you feel personally attacked when Mr. Gruden talks about liability reform and tort reform and the president talks about having a trial lawyer on the ticket?
Johnson: You're not a genius.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Kendrell Bell, an inside linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, will miss at least the next two games with what is being called a sports hernia. A sports hernia is different than a regular hernia in that your lower intestine sinks into your footballs instead of your regular balls. Thank you! I’ll be here all week!
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
"The NFL is an acquired taste that Americans have acquired less as an alternative reality than as an intensification of modern reality, although why they want that is a mystery."
-- George Will
I think everyone wishes George wouldn’t.
*Find Deion:
Needless to say, there is media whore Deion on MNF’s new "You’ve Been Sacked" segment. Deion: too hurt to actually play football, but never too hurt to preen for its cameras.
*Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Panthers vs. Broncos (Played on all-pro mode even though there are no pros involved).
Midway though the first quarter, I hit the valuable X-O-R1-L2 button combo to slay the giant spider, Spydor, in a boss fight to end all boss fights. After killing the spider I get enough gold coins to attain invisibility, which should go nicely with my new crossbow… hey wait a minute! Who put this fantasy role-playing game in there!
During halftime, I use the left analog controller to aim my sniper rifle in order to pick-off the guard in front of the compound where the terrorists are holding the hostages. After a successful snipe I enter the building through a back window and clear any remaining rooms with my M-16, taking only three hits. Thankfully I’ve got enough medic points to… hey, who put this 3rd-person stealth/shooter game in there!
Towards the end of the game, I line up a 60-foot putt with the directional pad. Unfortunately I read the break wrong and the putt goes wide, giving me another bogie and sinking my score to 8 over. I’m totally gonna crush the ball on the next tee… hold on one second, what is the golf crap doing in my gaming system!
*Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies): http://www.nytimes.com/2004/09/24/sports/football/24drugs.html
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Coors: The Coldest tasting beer in the world. (Actual new Coors tagline)
Coors: The vomitest tasting vomit in the vorld!
Coors: Finally catching up to this thing you call ‘refrigeration’!
Coors: Taste the temperature!
Coors: Cold… and twins!
Coors: I’m BRRRRRRRUNK!
Coors: Get your tongue stuck to this!
Coors: Beating the living shit out of room temperature!
Coors: Ice Ice Baby! (Caution: Not for babies)
Coors: Similarly coldly different!
Coors: Fresh brewed from an ice-cube tray!
Coors: Beercicle. Rock On!
(coming soon) Pete Coors: The coldest-acting politician in the world
*The Stadium Scene:
I kept hitting the goddamn X button, but all I could do was go 1-15!
http://helix.azcentral.com/ramgen/realvideo/azcardinalssite/CARDINALS.rm
*In other news:
Here’s Ricky in July: "Everyone has thrown every possible scenario at me about why I shouldn't do this, but they're in denial. I'm happy with my decision."
Here’s Ricky Williams’ agent Leigh Steinberg in July: "He said he simply didn't feel the passion and motivation that is a prerequisite for playing his position."
Here’s Ricky Williams’ agent Leigh Steinberg this week: "Ricky has asked me to explore and to try to facilitate his return. He has a passion for playing football and is excited about playing."
Ricky must have found some good Thai "Passion" Stick to get that passion back. And to think I ever tried to defend him.
In other sports news, NASCAR fined Dale Earnhardt for cursing. I don’t want to put too fine a point on it, but what a fucking joke. Earnhardt said ‘shit’ in a post-race television interview, and that shit hit the fan. They fined him and dropped him from first to second in the points standings. Thanks FCC. Thanks Janet Titty Jackson. And right as we were making inroads for cursing on network television. Give ‘em fucking hell, Dale, you crazy son of a bitch!
Here’s a good quote from the Washington Post article."'Any sport depends on personality to drive it. It's almost the First Commandment of sports, because sports is entertainment. You've got to have the personalities,' said veteran race promoter H.A. "Humpy" Wheeler of Lowe's Motor Speedway outside Charlotte."
NASCAR immediately fined the Washington Post for using the profanity "humpy."
Other big news this week was that a team finally won the Ansari X prize by getting a civilian craft into outer space. The craft that won was called SpaceShipOne. Original name there guys. I can’t imagine what the next one will be called. SpaceShipTwo, perhizzle? And Ansari X? Now what kind of name is that? Is there going to be an Ansari XXX prize. Now that’s some deep space penetration! For what it’s worth, the team that won did go 69 miles up in the air. Did Larry Flynt finance this thing?
So this is how Raider Nation rolls:
http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/breaking/100704raider.html
The Silver & Black don’t take no shit from Siegfried & Roy.
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