Block That Kick!
Friday, October 01, 2004
Week 4
Fourplay, aka the rich comedy of the hackneyed sexual pun.
Overall: 21-23-2, too many twos.
Last Week: 8-5-1, a middling effort.
Best Bets: 3-2-1, liftoff!
BB Last Week: 1-0-1, palindromic, dude.
Prologue: Week of the doghouse. Talk about home field disadvantage! Take a look at all the home underdogs this week and wonder if maybe you shouldn’t leave town before watching your home team. If the oddsgods of Mount Las Olympus have so little faith in the hometown crowd (as BTK calls them, the 54th Man), then maybe fandom this week should consist of a major disruption off all the old staples of football-watching Sunday. I’ll eat fruit and veggies instead of hotdogs and chips. I will enjoy a fine snifter of seltzer water instead of crappy domestic beers; I will wear my jodhpurs and beret instead of soiled sweatpants and headband; I’ll throw pillows at the abomination of football on my television screen instead of throwing peanuts and empties. And last but not least, I’ll watch the games from the safety and comfort of a smelly dive sportsbar instead of the jumbotron that is my 19’ television (now with 100% more antennae!). While it’s true that the home field has not been kind to many teams this year, including the Dolphins, Packers (sure it’s only one game, but it’s the Bears for pete’s sake), and, most surprisingly, the Chiefs, the idea of giving so many points to road teams seems very unlike the crustymuffins of Lost Wages. Can this pointshound sniff out a – oh how to say it – a bargain? Or will this debthound once again be forced to eat the mechanically separated chicken of defeat. One thing is for sure, I’ll be building a doghouse out of pillows on the living room floor so that I have a place to escape watching the Jets game.
Giants (+7) vs. Packers: The Packers simply couldn’t keep up with the Colts last week. No team can give up 35 points in the first half and hope to win the game. The Colts stomped on the Pack’s cheeseheads as though they were making wine out of them. 2004 Napa Valley Pinot Munster? Wonderful vintage and such a delicious bouquet… Surprisingly, the Pack matched pace in many of the stat categories, but their woeful secondary (left out to dry by constant, predictable blitzing) got burned again and again by the unstoppable, gale-force storm that is Brandon Stokley. It looked like the Colts receivers could have been rolling down the field in wheelchairs and Peyton still would have hit them for a TD, assuming they didn’t break a hip making the catch. The Packers may find a bit more success with their heavy-blitzing style this week, with Kurt ‘Telegraph’ Warner in the pocket. Warner tends to have no conception of the fact that the pocket is collapsing, holds the ball too long, doesn’t make quick reads, and, gee what was that other thing, oh, he fumbles. Like Tiki. And Shockey. This team needs an early-detection fumble warning system. Maybe missile defense could help them, you know, if it worked at all. Last week the Giants met the ‘Fade to Browns’ and looked like an actual football team. The defense, after looking horrible the first week, seems to have rallied around the fact that Coughlin is going to fine them for competence. But seven points seems like a lot to give up for a team that lost on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field to the Bears. Did I mention they lost to the Bears?
Picksgiving: Giants.
Eagles (-8.5) vs. Bears: Say what you will about the Eagles secondary, but I have four words for you: Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman. King Rex Grossman has been dethroned for the season with a shoulder injury and Jonathan Quinn will lead the Bears into the outback to perform surgery without anesthesia and to apply leeches to festering wounds. Tune in this week to find out what happens when Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman comes to realize that his one bottle of witch’s hazel won’t cure the fatal case of dengue fever that afflicts the entire Bears team. Somebody better start digging a shallow grave. But it’s not all pus & funerals b/c me does believe that Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman has a suitor. Looks like Javon Kerse has come a’courtin’! Oh wait… The Bears actually had a chance to catch the Vikes last week (and they covered 9, btw) but got sacked on fourth down. Morten Andersen broke the NFL record for career games played when he missed a 46-yard kick in the first quarter. What does that tell you? Hell, maybe he can extend his record next week by missing some more field goals. In last week’s game, Chicago had 14 penalties for 101 yards. Wow, the Bears were nearly outrushed by the penalty flag. Maybe they should start throwing flags instead of passes. See what happens – that little yellow guy can be pretty shifty. Evades some tackles, dives for the endzone pylon, gets tucked neatly into Ed Hockuley’s belt. As for the Eagles, McNabb has completed 69.8 percent of his passes for 931 yards with 8 TDs, 0 INTs and has 2 rushing TDs. Where’s Rush Limbaugh when you need him? Oh, right, shivering and naked in a ghetto alley in the middle of a ‘high’ on fatty pills. Eagles by 10.
Picksgiving: Eagles.
Redskins (-2.5) vs. Browns: Lacking the driving-in-circles simplicity of NASCAR, professional football seems to have caught up to Joe Gibbs last week, not in the form of a helmet to the groin, but instead in challenges, timeouts, and ol’ father time. Gibbs’ clock management was so bad he probably had trouble winding his watch. Maybe Gibbs got so caught up in the Levitra-fueled nostalgia machine that was this game, that he briefly though it was 1985 in the ol’ NFC East. Brunell took 3 quarters to remember that he plays quarterback. The Skins were spoiled at home and were too sloppy in all aspects of game play and game management to stay with an untalented Cowboys team. Did somebody mention untalented? Well say hello to the Cleveland Browns! Last week the Browns were held to 89 total yards in the first half, in which four of their six series started inside their own 14-yard line. Let’s see, starting inside their own 14, plus 89 total yards… my calculator tells me they likely didn’t get into scoring range often. Yes they have been hobbled by injuries and by Jeff Garcia’s shoddy play, but the Browns look to go nowhere this season. And that’s what makes them dangerous. Is it possible to be a spoiler team in Week 4? I don’t know, but I smell an upset here, and I’m guessing the line will be up to 3 by kickoff.
Picksgiving: Browns.
Patriots (-5.5) vs. Bills: Pat and Bill were sitting in a tree. S-C-O-R-I-N-G. First came first down, then came, uh, scrimmage, then come Pat with the coverage. I keep reading about how Bledsoe has become a ‘statue’ in the backfield. Well it’s about time to hook some Humvees up to the crap and tear that bitch down. Both teams come off of byes, but the Bills are getting little in the way of production from anyone. Corey Dillon has 100 more yards than Travis Henry so far this year and Brady has 200 more yards than Bledsoe. The Bills lost 13-10 at home to Jax in week 1, then lost 13-10 in Oakland. Jesus Christ, what is it about this Bills team that loves the score 13-10? I’m guessing that streak doesn’t continue this week as the complex Pats defense will continue to frustrate Drew and Dillon and Brady will move them down the field at will. While the Bills defense has given up no rushing TDs, the offense hasn’t been able to get the ball into the endzone. The Pats beat the Bills 31-0 in week 17 last year and the extra week will give them plenty of time to figure out how to turn this one into a blowout. Didn’t the Pats win the Superbowl last year? What’s up with this easy schedule, NFL? Dynasty whores.
Picksgiving: Patriots.
Raiders (-2.5) vs. Texans: You must have missed the exit for the playoffs, gentleman, because it’s entirely in the opposite direction. Gannon looks to be lost for the season after his fat-kid-at-recess slide against the Bucs. It looked like the old man had broken a hip as he crumpled to the turf only to have Derrick Brooks then crumple his head. Witness a bit o’ helmet-to-Gannon contact. Enter Kerry Collins. That phrase should strike fear in the heart of Raider Nation. Wait a second, did I just use ‘heart’ and ‘Raider Nation’ in the same sentence? Silly me. For what it’s worth, there may be no sight I’m looking forward to more than some Raider’s fan dressed as Satan’s spawn, complete with skulls, face paint, demon mask, chains, leather, all the zombie-pirate crap, and wearing a Kerry Collins jersey. Instead of Grim Reaper, maybe they should think more along the lines of Grim Fumbler. Silver and black attack, eh? Put those colors together and you get brown. As in Browns. The Texans have shown some signs of life on offense, throwing the ball well, and some signs of somnambulism on defense, giving up a league-leading 10 TDs. But without that terrible pass by Trent Green last week, the Texans would be 0-3. Oh lord, I just read that the Raiders are looking for their first road win in two years. Pathetic. I don’t think too much of the Raiders, but I don’t think too much of the Texans either. To be honest, writing about this game is interfering with all my abilities of cogitation. I’m just going to stare at the wall and drool for a while…
Picksgiving: Raiders.
Colts (-4) vs. Jaguars: What the hell is going on with the Jaguars. People are calling them the Cardiac Cats, but you’d think that watching 98% of their games would put most people into a deep, deep sleep. Maybe we should start calling them the Coma Cats. Last-second defibrillator work is waking them long enough to score. Week 3 had them winning their third game decided in the final 40 seconds. There are four whole quarters, fellas! What turned this team into such drama queens? They scored 10 points in the first halves of their 3 games. The Colts, on the other hand, scored 15 points in the first half last week. Now nobody is comparing the Jags defense to the Pack defense (the Jags have given up only 28 points, but the offense has scored only 35), but they will have to control the ball, force turnovers, and keep the Colts offense off the field to have a chance. The real question here, as the line creeps ever upward, is whether or not the Colts will choke like they always do. They’ve won big games against the Titans and the Pack and this could be just the kind of letdown game where they falter and Peyton shakes and flaps and runs around before the snap like a chicken with its head cut off. Watch the line, but the Jags grind-it-out style can only carry them so far. At some point they’re going to be 14 points down and scoring at the last second won’t even satisfy the lonely, broke gambler. I’m not referring to myself, of course. No, of course not.
Picksgiving: Colts.
Bengals (+4) vs. Steelers: You have to wonder a bit at this line. The Steelers needed a last second field goal to beat the Raiders in Week 1, got spanked by the Ravens in Week 2, and pulled away late from the Fins in Week 3. Last week the Bengals were up to their old tricks again, getting penalized for having 12 men in the huddle. After the refs re-spotted the ball, the Bengals huddled and came to the line and realized they had only 10 men on the field and they had to take a timeout. Later on, the Bengals has nobody on the field, because the game was over and they had lost. The Bengals haven’t looked good and Palmer is throwing way too many INTs to keep his team in the game. Another person familiar with interceptions is Roethlisberger, who threw an interception on his first pass attempt. Way to go, whippersnapperberger! The Bengals have had all sorts of problems stopping the run, but if any team is going to give them a free ride on this failing, it’s the Steelers and specifically the Bus, who somehow gets more touchdowns than yards. Can you hand off the ball to someone who is already standing in the endzone? I guess so. The Bengals have the weapons to move the ball into scoring range (notice I didn’t say ‘the endzone’) and the Roe-man will find the going tough in his first non-monsoon start. It’ll be a close game, so take the points.
Picksgiving: Bengals.
Falcons (+3.5) vs. Panthers: While the buffaloes versus the dolphins might be my favorite animal battle of NFL mascots this comes in a close second. (Question: do you add a couple of points to the fins-buff animal battle spread b/c the dolphin is wearing a helmet, thus protecting it from the buffalo’s horns?). I’ve talked endlessly about how they crapped up a perfectly good Falcons logo by giving it motion effects and racing stripes and generally make the falcon look like it’s flying at about Mach 4, but something I hadn’t noticed is that the bird’s path of flight is aiming downward. Is it swooping to attack a prey on the ground or is it headed out of the playoff race at top-flight speed? I retort, you deride. One plus for the falcons is that fact that a falcon saved the ass of The Beastmaster on more than one occasion. Marc Singer can prance around in a loin cloth with a pocket full of ferrets all he wants, but when he gets in trouble, first thing he does is go ‘ShaaaaCawww!’ and there is ye olde trusty falcon to save him again. But falcon vs. panther seems like a battle that would be fun to watch, whereas seahawk vs. ram or raven vs. jaguar seems like it would have all the action of a nursing home at ‘sedatives hour.’ (Brief side note: I always found it strange that the nlf admitted the jaguars and panthers in the same year. Aren’t those animals pretty much interchangeable? Couldn’t they just have split the difference, plunked the team in Savannah, GA and called the team the Generic Woodland Predator Cats?) Sadly, the Falcons’ defense is the one carrying the team as Vick has had trouble moving the offense; but the Falcons have had too many mistakes to give real meaning to their 3-0 record. Kerney leads the league in sacks and the defensive line has played great, providing cover for the mediocre secondary. Dunn has rushed well, with 223 yards and 4 TDs. The Panthers get the obligatory home spread and are coming off a bye. Will the Panther’s D-line be able to contain Vick or will he bootleg and roll out to escape the pass rush. And will the Panthers terrible O-line give Delhomme time to look down the field. Answer yourself, Socrates! As long as I keep picking against the Falcons and they keep winning, I’m happy.
Picksgiving: Panthers.
Saints (-3.5) vs. Cardinals: The Saints will play the Cards better than T.J. Cloutier. That’s right, a poker joke. Blame Dave Foley. The Cards have put up some defense at home, but this match-up will be too much for them. The Saints will be rolling off a good win in St. Louis, and the Cards can only stay with them for so long. And you only have to give up 3.5 points. There’s talk of a home upset here, but the Saints will score too easily off of good field position for the Cards to stay within a touchdown. Sometimes it’s fun to imagine a world in which the Cardinals are a good team. It would be a world full of rainbow and gumdrops and sunshine and easy cheerleaders with mega-knockers. Ah yes. Unfortunately that world doesn’t exist and we’re left with storm clouds, fried cheese, humidity, celibate cheerleaders in astronaut outfits, Dan Marino, and the Arizona Cardinals. Ariendzona it ain’t.
Picks giving: Saints.
Jets (-5.5) vs. Dolphins: The Jets are coming off a bye week and face the bumbling Fins. This line opened at 4 and is now up to 5.5. Expect it to be 1 Trillion by gametime. The week off for the Jets (as opposed to the Sunday night game in the rain by the Fins) should be enough to give them about 6 points here. The Jets led the league in scoring after two games with 65 points. While they might not be able to keep that pace up as the season wears on (and injuries pop up and out of the socket), this week provides ample opportunity to run up the score. Confusion in the Fins camp apparently has the practice squad suiting up and playing the games. Even the dolphin from the logo has been spotted on the sideline, begging to come in and help the running game with such entreaties as ‘Kee-kee-kee-kee’ and ‘Nuck-nuck-nuck.’ The dolphin is convinced his aerial maneuvers and swift swimming… oh this is going nowhere. What can you say? I predicted the Fins would be this year’s disaster and it has happened. The defense has tried to keep them in games, but every aspect of the offense from rushing, passing, to blocking is so very woeful that it’s a wonder Miami hasn’t been a double-digit dog every week. This team is Finsished. They’re so bad they even ruin any jokes you try to make about them. Ugh. Don’t worry Fins fans, help is on the way. No it ain’t the Kerry-Edwards ticket. It’s Steve Spurrier. For real.
Picksgiving: Jets.
Broncos (-3) vs. Bucs: It took the Bucs 11 quarters to score an offensive touchdown this season. It took me 3 minutes to realize I have nothing to say about the Bucs. I’m glad that Gruden is getting his comeuppance. It always seemed that he had things handed to him in the NFL. Not to take anything away from his accomplishments, but I don’t really give a shit about his accomplishments, so I’ll take all I want. He filled his team with classless assholes and won a Superbowl. Two years later Gruden’s managerial ineptitude and arrogance and caused even the jerks to abandon the team. Hell, McCardell is losing hundreds of thousands of dollars not to play for Gruden. Well, so much for the Broncos rushing-offense invulnerability. They had 37 yards last week against the Chargers. Yes, the Chargers. I had 37 yards walking back and forth to the urinals at work yesterday. And let me tell you, did I score a touchdown! Unfortunately Quentin keeps Griffin the ball to the other team. He has cost the Broncos a touchdown and a field goal with his inability to hold onto the ball. Look for the Bucs to take advantage of that and other costly (cough-cough, Jake Plummer) turnovers. Add that to gritty play by the Bucs defense and they might be able to salvage their offense and keep the game close.
Picksgiving: Bucs.
Titans (-3) vs. Chargers: I understand that medical investigation shows are all the rage in television these days. I guess it makes sense – mix one part police babe, one part arthouse gore, one part test tubes, turn half the set lights off and bake at 42 minutes. Then sit back and wait for the drug adverts to roll in! In that vein, I’m working on my spec script: Air McNair, Medical Investigations. The man is injured more than a CPR training dummy. I have sympathy for the geezer, but maybe he should start wearing a body brace. Better yet, he can become the first quarterback in a bubble. Think about how tough he would be to sack! He’d just roll around in the backfield! He spent two nights in the hospital, so I guess his bruised sternum (really just fancy slang for a broken heart; buck-up Air, she wasn’t worth it and she never did the dishes even though you always did all the cooking) is serious. But if I’m not mistaken, after leaving the game, McNair spent the rest of the 4th quarter on the sidelines watching. Not an action suggesting serious injury. And he’s only listed as questionable and still might play. After two nights in the hospital! Will his "I’m hurt, but I can play, coach!" antics ever get old? Well, they did a good while ago. Who would have thought that the Titans and Bolts would have the same record at this point? Pay heed to the flashy-named Chris Brown. The Chargers continue to flop around like a moribund fish. Is there anyone on this team besides L.T.? The Chargers have played decent defense and pushed against a 10-point line in Denver, but can the passing game show up long enough to keep them in it? Uh, no.
Picksgiving: Titans.
Rams (-4) vs. 49ers: Last week the Seahawks made the 49ers defense look like drunken clowns with equilibrium issues. Now let me think, who was on the cover of Madden 2003? Was it Marshall Faulk or Marc Bulger? I think we know the answer to that one. If the Rams aren’t ever going to run the ball, why don’t teams just drop 9 men into the zone? Which is probably what the 49ers will have to do in this game. Supposedly Tim Rattay will return from injury this week and should start. I’ve never been in possession of information that meant less to me.
Picksgiving: Rams.
Chiefs (+5.5) vs. Ravens: The Chiefs have been outscored 34-7 in the fourth quarter of their three games. Is somebody getting a little tired? Well I’m getting a little tired of the Chiefs sucking. Wasn’t this team 8-0 at one point last year? What the hell happened? You know a team is in trouble when it’s getting 5.5 against the Ravens. The Ravens starring Kyle Boller, btw. Thankfully for the Chiefs, this is an away game, as they’re now 0-2 at Arrowhead. Better put that Arrowhead in a museum, because it’s feeling a little dull these days. The Chiefs defense has been terrible, but it’s tough to imagine them not being able to score at all or going 0-4. It’s just too many points to pass up here. A slugfest between Holmes and Lewis will make for some toxic football. Just chant ‘4-yard run’ until your head explodes.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Bye: Cowboys, Lions, Vikes, Seahawks
Best Bets (2 per week): Pats, Saints
Errata:
*Out of Bounds (football between the pages):
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0394531094/qid=1096496126/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/102-0789466-7440106?v=glance&s=books
first review, please.
*Find Deion:
Oh, wait, nevermind. Don’t Find Deion. We might be better off if he stays wherever he’s hiding.
*When You Dance (TD celebrations):
Oh those wacky Eagles players! One would expect T.O. to be making his obligatory appearance here, but this week finds Eagles tight end Mike Bartrum making the grade. Mike who? How many goddamn tight ends do the Eagles have? This L.T. Smith character is already costing me my Chad Lewis fantasy points. Anyhoo, after catching a touchdown last week Bartrum, also the Eagles deep snapper, crouched over the ball, had someone line up behind him as if at quarterback, then Bartrum snapped the ball back to McNabb, who was 15 yards away. Was this a shout-out to all his special-team buddies or have players become so creatively bankrupt that they just mime something they do on other downs? Will players start pretending to shower, as though the game is over? Or maybe they can mime getting their ankles taped. Or brushing their teeth. Of course this little celebration earned them a fine, it involving more than one person, but the Eagles were far enough ahead that it didn’t matter. Real classy guys. I wouldn’t be so quick to make your touchdown dance miming a punt. You might soon find yourself doing plenty of it for real.
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
I’m wondering if I should just hand this category over to the NFL Today crew. Last week it was Dr. Phil. This week it was Dean Cain, some hack actor (sorry if that’s repetitive) on the show to promote some crap show about baseball. Dean Cain is notable (well, he isn’t actually ‘notable’ for anything, but let me finish) for playing Superman on some syndicated late-night schedule filler. I think his presence on CBS in a soon-to-be-cancelled tear jerk baseball show is a pretty good indication that network television was truly Superman’s kryptonite. CBS may be in shambles, but the shameless self-promo spots have to stop. This is the football pre-game, who cares about a baseball show? I will allow this level of ‘synergy’ in return for two things: corporations be allowed to rent advertising space on Boomer’s forehead or Dan Marino is forced to participate on one of the ‘Survivor’ shows on some remote island. Where he loses. And is left on the island.
*From the Mouth of Knaves (idiocy from the studio):
Dan Marino called Atlanta ‘A-town.’ Now I’ve lived in Atlanta. One side of my family comes from Atlanta. I have never, in all of my years in/around GA, ever heard Atlanta referred to as ‘A-town.’ The 404? Yes. A-T-L? Yes. A-town? No. Such a nickname could only be thought up by an A-hole.
Not to pick on one person or anything, but Dan Marino has the fashion sense of a cockroach. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
The Gay Goose: Fathead Tony Siragusa disgraced himself and FOX (if it’s still possible to disgrace FOX) last week. Here’s what ‘the goose’ said about Lions QB Joey Harrington after meeting him:
"He seemed a little different than what I expected," Siragusa said. "I thought he was a little bit too overconfident ..."
Interesting. What could he be talking about?
"Just a different kind of guy. Not a meat-and-potato guy but a very sophisticated man. That's as much as I can go into right now."
A sophisticated man?
"I wouldn't see him going out and ordering a beer any time soon…"
Ouch.
"He's the kind of guy that's on the other side of the club than I am. He's over there with the champagne and the caviar and also the strawberries and chocolate, you know?"
Well why don’t you just come out and say it, Goose! Shockey did.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Speaking of the Shockmaster, Shockey let his mouth get him in trouble (sigh) again. This time it wasn’t ‘homos’ or The Tuna that got Shockey mouthing off idiot-like. Now it’s his role in Coughlin’s offense. Shockey has a number of complaints. His first complaint is that having to stay in to block makes him think too much about blitz pick-ups and pass protection. Shockey’s second complaint is that Coughlin’s schemes put him in motion too much (in order to confuse blitzers and roll coverages) which tires him out before the snap of the ball. Let’s review:
Shockey has to think too much.
Shockey gets tired.
Poor Shockey.
Kyle Boller on his pre-game ritual: "I actually listen to the NFL on Fox theme song on my Ipod."
*Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
I stand corrected in my prediction that the "11 Yards with Thurston Long" segment would never appear again. Last entry here:
http://www.sportsline.com/cbssports/news/week3nflnotes
Dig that "satirical feature," man.
Expected to return as a CBS NFL sideline reporter in about a month after recovering from Aug. 27 hip replacement surgery, Lesley Visser said, "Everyone who has had this surgery has offered tips — Dan Dierdorf to Mike Ditka to Mike Krzyzewski. But Mary Carillo gave me the best advice: 'Don't be a hero, take the drugs.' "
Lesley Visser had a hip replaced?
So the papers were abuzz with the news that Terry Holt got ‘punked’ on some terrible new bit on Monday Night Football. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb in saying that MNF has become one of the worst produced franchises in all of television history. Is anyone aware that there’s a football game going on here? Between the clip-reel nostalgia fest, terrible player segments, graphics all over the damn screen, and the ever-sucking halftime productions, one might forget that there’s a sporting event buried in the broadcast. How could a show that was once the paragon of sports programming turn into this muddled, demo-whore of a production? A reality-show style prank segment? I’m just at a loss for words.
"You have to win in football. I've always said winning is a great deodorant."- John Madden on winning in his Sept. 22 on-line chat.
*The Stadium Scene:
The 49ers have reached a deal with Monster Cable Products Inc. to change the name of Candlestick Park to Monster Park. Candlestick was called 3Com Park from 1996-2001, when the deal expired. The contract with Monster runs through 2008. Yes, Monster Park.
*Shot of the week:
2nd item:
¶ 11:33 AM 0 comments
Fourplay, aka the rich comedy of the hackneyed sexual pun.
Overall: 21-23-2, too many twos.
Last Week: 8-5-1, a middling effort.
Best Bets: 3-2-1, liftoff!
BB Last Week: 1-0-1, palindromic, dude.
Prologue: Week of the doghouse. Talk about home field disadvantage! Take a look at all the home underdogs this week and wonder if maybe you shouldn’t leave town before watching your home team. If the oddsgods of Mount Las Olympus have so little faith in the hometown crowd (as BTK calls them, the 54th Man), then maybe fandom this week should consist of a major disruption off all the old staples of football-watching Sunday. I’ll eat fruit and veggies instead of hotdogs and chips. I will enjoy a fine snifter of seltzer water instead of crappy domestic beers; I will wear my jodhpurs and beret instead of soiled sweatpants and headband; I’ll throw pillows at the abomination of football on my television screen instead of throwing peanuts and empties. And last but not least, I’ll watch the games from the safety and comfort of a smelly dive sportsbar instead of the jumbotron that is my 19’ television (now with 100% more antennae!). While it’s true that the home field has not been kind to many teams this year, including the Dolphins, Packers (sure it’s only one game, but it’s the Bears for pete’s sake), and, most surprisingly, the Chiefs, the idea of giving so many points to road teams seems very unlike the crustymuffins of Lost Wages. Can this pointshound sniff out a – oh how to say it – a bargain? Or will this debthound once again be forced to eat the mechanically separated chicken of defeat. One thing is for sure, I’ll be building a doghouse out of pillows on the living room floor so that I have a place to escape watching the Jets game.
Giants (+7) vs. Packers: The Packers simply couldn’t keep up with the Colts last week. No team can give up 35 points in the first half and hope to win the game. The Colts stomped on the Pack’s cheeseheads as though they were making wine out of them. 2004 Napa Valley Pinot Munster? Wonderful vintage and such a delicious bouquet… Surprisingly, the Pack matched pace in many of the stat categories, but their woeful secondary (left out to dry by constant, predictable blitzing) got burned again and again by the unstoppable, gale-force storm that is Brandon Stokley. It looked like the Colts receivers could have been rolling down the field in wheelchairs and Peyton still would have hit them for a TD, assuming they didn’t break a hip making the catch. The Packers may find a bit more success with their heavy-blitzing style this week, with Kurt ‘Telegraph’ Warner in the pocket. Warner tends to have no conception of the fact that the pocket is collapsing, holds the ball too long, doesn’t make quick reads, and, gee what was that other thing, oh, he fumbles. Like Tiki. And Shockey. This team needs an early-detection fumble warning system. Maybe missile defense could help them, you know, if it worked at all. Last week the Giants met the ‘Fade to Browns’ and looked like an actual football team. The defense, after looking horrible the first week, seems to have rallied around the fact that Coughlin is going to fine them for competence. But seven points seems like a lot to give up for a team that lost on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field to the Bears. Did I mention they lost to the Bears?
Picksgiving: Giants.
Eagles (-8.5) vs. Bears: Say what you will about the Eagles secondary, but I have four words for you: Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman. King Rex Grossman has been dethroned for the season with a shoulder injury and Jonathan Quinn will lead the Bears into the outback to perform surgery without anesthesia and to apply leeches to festering wounds. Tune in this week to find out what happens when Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman comes to realize that his one bottle of witch’s hazel won’t cure the fatal case of dengue fever that afflicts the entire Bears team. Somebody better start digging a shallow grave. But it’s not all pus & funerals b/c me does believe that Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman has a suitor. Looks like Javon Kerse has come a’courtin’! Oh wait… The Bears actually had a chance to catch the Vikes last week (and they covered 9, btw) but got sacked on fourth down. Morten Andersen broke the NFL record for career games played when he missed a 46-yard kick in the first quarter. What does that tell you? Hell, maybe he can extend his record next week by missing some more field goals. In last week’s game, Chicago had 14 penalties for 101 yards. Wow, the Bears were nearly outrushed by the penalty flag. Maybe they should start throwing flags instead of passes. See what happens – that little yellow guy can be pretty shifty. Evades some tackles, dives for the endzone pylon, gets tucked neatly into Ed Hockuley’s belt. As for the Eagles, McNabb has completed 69.8 percent of his passes for 931 yards with 8 TDs, 0 INTs and has 2 rushing TDs. Where’s Rush Limbaugh when you need him? Oh, right, shivering and naked in a ghetto alley in the middle of a ‘high’ on fatty pills. Eagles by 10.
Picksgiving: Eagles.
Redskins (-2.5) vs. Browns: Lacking the driving-in-circles simplicity of NASCAR, professional football seems to have caught up to Joe Gibbs last week, not in the form of a helmet to the groin, but instead in challenges, timeouts, and ol’ father time. Gibbs’ clock management was so bad he probably had trouble winding his watch. Maybe Gibbs got so caught up in the Levitra-fueled nostalgia machine that was this game, that he briefly though it was 1985 in the ol’ NFC East. Brunell took 3 quarters to remember that he plays quarterback. The Skins were spoiled at home and were too sloppy in all aspects of game play and game management to stay with an untalented Cowboys team. Did somebody mention untalented? Well say hello to the Cleveland Browns! Last week the Browns were held to 89 total yards in the first half, in which four of their six series started inside their own 14-yard line. Let’s see, starting inside their own 14, plus 89 total yards… my calculator tells me they likely didn’t get into scoring range often. Yes they have been hobbled by injuries and by Jeff Garcia’s shoddy play, but the Browns look to go nowhere this season. And that’s what makes them dangerous. Is it possible to be a spoiler team in Week 4? I don’t know, but I smell an upset here, and I’m guessing the line will be up to 3 by kickoff.
Picksgiving: Browns.
Patriots (-5.5) vs. Bills: Pat and Bill were sitting in a tree. S-C-O-R-I-N-G. First came first down, then came, uh, scrimmage, then come Pat with the coverage. I keep reading about how Bledsoe has become a ‘statue’ in the backfield. Well it’s about time to hook some Humvees up to the crap and tear that bitch down. Both teams come off of byes, but the Bills are getting little in the way of production from anyone. Corey Dillon has 100 more yards than Travis Henry so far this year and Brady has 200 more yards than Bledsoe. The Bills lost 13-10 at home to Jax in week 1, then lost 13-10 in Oakland. Jesus Christ, what is it about this Bills team that loves the score 13-10? I’m guessing that streak doesn’t continue this week as the complex Pats defense will continue to frustrate Drew and Dillon and Brady will move them down the field at will. While the Bills defense has given up no rushing TDs, the offense hasn’t been able to get the ball into the endzone. The Pats beat the Bills 31-0 in week 17 last year and the extra week will give them plenty of time to figure out how to turn this one into a blowout. Didn’t the Pats win the Superbowl last year? What’s up with this easy schedule, NFL? Dynasty whores.
Picksgiving: Patriots.
Raiders (-2.5) vs. Texans: You must have missed the exit for the playoffs, gentleman, because it’s entirely in the opposite direction. Gannon looks to be lost for the season after his fat-kid-at-recess slide against the Bucs. It looked like the old man had broken a hip as he crumpled to the turf only to have Derrick Brooks then crumple his head. Witness a bit o’ helmet-to-Gannon contact. Enter Kerry Collins. That phrase should strike fear in the heart of Raider Nation. Wait a second, did I just use ‘heart’ and ‘Raider Nation’ in the same sentence? Silly me. For what it’s worth, there may be no sight I’m looking forward to more than some Raider’s fan dressed as Satan’s spawn, complete with skulls, face paint, demon mask, chains, leather, all the zombie-pirate crap, and wearing a Kerry Collins jersey. Instead of Grim Reaper, maybe they should think more along the lines of Grim Fumbler. Silver and black attack, eh? Put those colors together and you get brown. As in Browns. The Texans have shown some signs of life on offense, throwing the ball well, and some signs of somnambulism on defense, giving up a league-leading 10 TDs. But without that terrible pass by Trent Green last week, the Texans would be 0-3. Oh lord, I just read that the Raiders are looking for their first road win in two years. Pathetic. I don’t think too much of the Raiders, but I don’t think too much of the Texans either. To be honest, writing about this game is interfering with all my abilities of cogitation. I’m just going to stare at the wall and drool for a while…
Picksgiving: Raiders.
Colts (-4) vs. Jaguars: What the hell is going on with the Jaguars. People are calling them the Cardiac Cats, but you’d think that watching 98% of their games would put most people into a deep, deep sleep. Maybe we should start calling them the Coma Cats. Last-second defibrillator work is waking them long enough to score. Week 3 had them winning their third game decided in the final 40 seconds. There are four whole quarters, fellas! What turned this team into such drama queens? They scored 10 points in the first halves of their 3 games. The Colts, on the other hand, scored 15 points in the first half last week. Now nobody is comparing the Jags defense to the Pack defense (the Jags have given up only 28 points, but the offense has scored only 35), but they will have to control the ball, force turnovers, and keep the Colts offense off the field to have a chance. The real question here, as the line creeps ever upward, is whether or not the Colts will choke like they always do. They’ve won big games against the Titans and the Pack and this could be just the kind of letdown game where they falter and Peyton shakes and flaps and runs around before the snap like a chicken with its head cut off. Watch the line, but the Jags grind-it-out style can only carry them so far. At some point they’re going to be 14 points down and scoring at the last second won’t even satisfy the lonely, broke gambler. I’m not referring to myself, of course. No, of course not.
Picksgiving: Colts.
Bengals (+4) vs. Steelers: You have to wonder a bit at this line. The Steelers needed a last second field goal to beat the Raiders in Week 1, got spanked by the Ravens in Week 2, and pulled away late from the Fins in Week 3. Last week the Bengals were up to their old tricks again, getting penalized for having 12 men in the huddle. After the refs re-spotted the ball, the Bengals huddled and came to the line and realized they had only 10 men on the field and they had to take a timeout. Later on, the Bengals has nobody on the field, because the game was over and they had lost. The Bengals haven’t looked good and Palmer is throwing way too many INTs to keep his team in the game. Another person familiar with interceptions is Roethlisberger, who threw an interception on his first pass attempt. Way to go, whippersnapperberger! The Bengals have had all sorts of problems stopping the run, but if any team is going to give them a free ride on this failing, it’s the Steelers and specifically the Bus, who somehow gets more touchdowns than yards. Can you hand off the ball to someone who is already standing in the endzone? I guess so. The Bengals have the weapons to move the ball into scoring range (notice I didn’t say ‘the endzone’) and the Roe-man will find the going tough in his first non-monsoon start. It’ll be a close game, so take the points.
Picksgiving: Bengals.
Falcons (+3.5) vs. Panthers: While the buffaloes versus the dolphins might be my favorite animal battle of NFL mascots this comes in a close second. (Question: do you add a couple of points to the fins-buff animal battle spread b/c the dolphin is wearing a helmet, thus protecting it from the buffalo’s horns?). I’ve talked endlessly about how they crapped up a perfectly good Falcons logo by giving it motion effects and racing stripes and generally make the falcon look like it’s flying at about Mach 4, but something I hadn’t noticed is that the bird’s path of flight is aiming downward. Is it swooping to attack a prey on the ground or is it headed out of the playoff race at top-flight speed? I retort, you deride. One plus for the falcons is that fact that a falcon saved the ass of The Beastmaster on more than one occasion. Marc Singer can prance around in a loin cloth with a pocket full of ferrets all he wants, but when he gets in trouble, first thing he does is go ‘ShaaaaCawww!’ and there is ye olde trusty falcon to save him again. But falcon vs. panther seems like a battle that would be fun to watch, whereas seahawk vs. ram or raven vs. jaguar seems like it would have all the action of a nursing home at ‘sedatives hour.’ (Brief side note: I always found it strange that the nlf admitted the jaguars and panthers in the same year. Aren’t those animals pretty much interchangeable? Couldn’t they just have split the difference, plunked the team in Savannah, GA and called the team the Generic Woodland Predator Cats?) Sadly, the Falcons’ defense is the one carrying the team as Vick has had trouble moving the offense; but the Falcons have had too many mistakes to give real meaning to their 3-0 record. Kerney leads the league in sacks and the defensive line has played great, providing cover for the mediocre secondary. Dunn has rushed well, with 223 yards and 4 TDs. The Panthers get the obligatory home spread and are coming off a bye. Will the Panther’s D-line be able to contain Vick or will he bootleg and roll out to escape the pass rush. And will the Panthers terrible O-line give Delhomme time to look down the field. Answer yourself, Socrates! As long as I keep picking against the Falcons and they keep winning, I’m happy.
Picksgiving: Panthers.
Saints (-3.5) vs. Cardinals: The Saints will play the Cards better than T.J. Cloutier. That’s right, a poker joke. Blame Dave Foley. The Cards have put up some defense at home, but this match-up will be too much for them. The Saints will be rolling off a good win in St. Louis, and the Cards can only stay with them for so long. And you only have to give up 3.5 points. There’s talk of a home upset here, but the Saints will score too easily off of good field position for the Cards to stay within a touchdown. Sometimes it’s fun to imagine a world in which the Cardinals are a good team. It would be a world full of rainbow and gumdrops and sunshine and easy cheerleaders with mega-knockers. Ah yes. Unfortunately that world doesn’t exist and we’re left with storm clouds, fried cheese, humidity, celibate cheerleaders in astronaut outfits, Dan Marino, and the Arizona Cardinals. Ariendzona it ain’t.
Picks giving: Saints.
Jets (-5.5) vs. Dolphins: The Jets are coming off a bye week and face the bumbling Fins. This line opened at 4 and is now up to 5.5. Expect it to be 1 Trillion by gametime. The week off for the Jets (as opposed to the Sunday night game in the rain by the Fins) should be enough to give them about 6 points here. The Jets led the league in scoring after two games with 65 points. While they might not be able to keep that pace up as the season wears on (and injuries pop up and out of the socket), this week provides ample opportunity to run up the score. Confusion in the Fins camp apparently has the practice squad suiting up and playing the games. Even the dolphin from the logo has been spotted on the sideline, begging to come in and help the running game with such entreaties as ‘Kee-kee-kee-kee’ and ‘Nuck-nuck-nuck.’ The dolphin is convinced his aerial maneuvers and swift swimming… oh this is going nowhere. What can you say? I predicted the Fins would be this year’s disaster and it has happened. The defense has tried to keep them in games, but every aspect of the offense from rushing, passing, to blocking is so very woeful that it’s a wonder Miami hasn’t been a double-digit dog every week. This team is Finsished. They’re so bad they even ruin any jokes you try to make about them. Ugh. Don’t worry Fins fans, help is on the way. No it ain’t the Kerry-Edwards ticket. It’s Steve Spurrier. For real.
Picksgiving: Jets.
Broncos (-3) vs. Bucs: It took the Bucs 11 quarters to score an offensive touchdown this season. It took me 3 minutes to realize I have nothing to say about the Bucs. I’m glad that Gruden is getting his comeuppance. It always seemed that he had things handed to him in the NFL. Not to take anything away from his accomplishments, but I don’t really give a shit about his accomplishments, so I’ll take all I want. He filled his team with classless assholes and won a Superbowl. Two years later Gruden’s managerial ineptitude and arrogance and caused even the jerks to abandon the team. Hell, McCardell is losing hundreds of thousands of dollars not to play for Gruden. Well, so much for the Broncos rushing-offense invulnerability. They had 37 yards last week against the Chargers. Yes, the Chargers. I had 37 yards walking back and forth to the urinals at work yesterday. And let me tell you, did I score a touchdown! Unfortunately Quentin keeps Griffin the ball to the other team. He has cost the Broncos a touchdown and a field goal with his inability to hold onto the ball. Look for the Bucs to take advantage of that and other costly (cough-cough, Jake Plummer) turnovers. Add that to gritty play by the Bucs defense and they might be able to salvage their offense and keep the game close.
Picksgiving: Bucs.
Titans (-3) vs. Chargers: I understand that medical investigation shows are all the rage in television these days. I guess it makes sense – mix one part police babe, one part arthouse gore, one part test tubes, turn half the set lights off and bake at 42 minutes. Then sit back and wait for the drug adverts to roll in! In that vein, I’m working on my spec script: Air McNair, Medical Investigations. The man is injured more than a CPR training dummy. I have sympathy for the geezer, but maybe he should start wearing a body brace. Better yet, he can become the first quarterback in a bubble. Think about how tough he would be to sack! He’d just roll around in the backfield! He spent two nights in the hospital, so I guess his bruised sternum (really just fancy slang for a broken heart; buck-up Air, she wasn’t worth it and she never did the dishes even though you always did all the cooking) is serious. But if I’m not mistaken, after leaving the game, McNair spent the rest of the 4th quarter on the sidelines watching. Not an action suggesting serious injury. And he’s only listed as questionable and still might play. After two nights in the hospital! Will his "I’m hurt, but I can play, coach!" antics ever get old? Well, they did a good while ago. Who would have thought that the Titans and Bolts would have the same record at this point? Pay heed to the flashy-named Chris Brown. The Chargers continue to flop around like a moribund fish. Is there anyone on this team besides L.T.? The Chargers have played decent defense and pushed against a 10-point line in Denver, but can the passing game show up long enough to keep them in it? Uh, no.
Picksgiving: Titans.
Rams (-4) vs. 49ers: Last week the Seahawks made the 49ers defense look like drunken clowns with equilibrium issues. Now let me think, who was on the cover of Madden 2003? Was it Marshall Faulk or Marc Bulger? I think we know the answer to that one. If the Rams aren’t ever going to run the ball, why don’t teams just drop 9 men into the zone? Which is probably what the 49ers will have to do in this game. Supposedly Tim Rattay will return from injury this week and should start. I’ve never been in possession of information that meant less to me.
Picksgiving: Rams.
Chiefs (+5.5) vs. Ravens: The Chiefs have been outscored 34-7 in the fourth quarter of their three games. Is somebody getting a little tired? Well I’m getting a little tired of the Chiefs sucking. Wasn’t this team 8-0 at one point last year? What the hell happened? You know a team is in trouble when it’s getting 5.5 against the Ravens. The Ravens starring Kyle Boller, btw. Thankfully for the Chiefs, this is an away game, as they’re now 0-2 at Arrowhead. Better put that Arrowhead in a museum, because it’s feeling a little dull these days. The Chiefs defense has been terrible, but it’s tough to imagine them not being able to score at all or going 0-4. It’s just too many points to pass up here. A slugfest between Holmes and Lewis will make for some toxic football. Just chant ‘4-yard run’ until your head explodes.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Bye: Cowboys, Lions, Vikes, Seahawks
Best Bets (2 per week): Pats, Saints
Errata:
*Out of Bounds (football between the pages):
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0394531094/qid=1096496126/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/102-0789466-7440106?v=glance&s=books
first review, please.
*Find Deion:
Oh, wait, nevermind. Don’t Find Deion. We might be better off if he stays wherever he’s hiding.
*When You Dance (TD celebrations):
Oh those wacky Eagles players! One would expect T.O. to be making his obligatory appearance here, but this week finds Eagles tight end Mike Bartrum making the grade. Mike who? How many goddamn tight ends do the Eagles have? This L.T. Smith character is already costing me my Chad Lewis fantasy points. Anyhoo, after catching a touchdown last week Bartrum, also the Eagles deep snapper, crouched over the ball, had someone line up behind him as if at quarterback, then Bartrum snapped the ball back to McNabb, who was 15 yards away. Was this a shout-out to all his special-team buddies or have players become so creatively bankrupt that they just mime something they do on other downs? Will players start pretending to shower, as though the game is over? Or maybe they can mime getting their ankles taped. Or brushing their teeth. Of course this little celebration earned them a fine, it involving more than one person, but the Eagles were far enough ahead that it didn’t matter. Real classy guys. I wouldn’t be so quick to make your touchdown dance miming a punt. You might soon find yourself doing plenty of it for real.
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
I’m wondering if I should just hand this category over to the NFL Today crew. Last week it was Dr. Phil. This week it was Dean Cain, some hack actor (sorry if that’s repetitive) on the show to promote some crap show about baseball. Dean Cain is notable (well, he isn’t actually ‘notable’ for anything, but let me finish) for playing Superman on some syndicated late-night schedule filler. I think his presence on CBS in a soon-to-be-cancelled tear jerk baseball show is a pretty good indication that network television was truly Superman’s kryptonite. CBS may be in shambles, but the shameless self-promo spots have to stop. This is the football pre-game, who cares about a baseball show? I will allow this level of ‘synergy’ in return for two things: corporations be allowed to rent advertising space on Boomer’s forehead or Dan Marino is forced to participate on one of the ‘Survivor’ shows on some remote island. Where he loses. And is left on the island.
*From the Mouth of Knaves (idiocy from the studio):
Dan Marino called Atlanta ‘A-town.’ Now I’ve lived in Atlanta. One side of my family comes from Atlanta. I have never, in all of my years in/around GA, ever heard Atlanta referred to as ‘A-town.’ The 404? Yes. A-T-L? Yes. A-town? No. Such a nickname could only be thought up by an A-hole.
Not to pick on one person or anything, but Dan Marino has the fashion sense of a cockroach. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
The Gay Goose: Fathead Tony Siragusa disgraced himself and FOX (if it’s still possible to disgrace FOX) last week. Here’s what ‘the goose’ said about Lions QB Joey Harrington after meeting him:
"He seemed a little different than what I expected," Siragusa said. "I thought he was a little bit too overconfident ..."
Interesting. What could he be talking about?
"Just a different kind of guy. Not a meat-and-potato guy but a very sophisticated man. That's as much as I can go into right now."
A sophisticated man?
"I wouldn't see him going out and ordering a beer any time soon…"
Ouch.
"He's the kind of guy that's on the other side of the club than I am. He's over there with the champagne and the caviar and also the strawberries and chocolate, you know?"
Well why don’t you just come out and say it, Goose! Shockey did.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Speaking of the Shockmaster, Shockey let his mouth get him in trouble (sigh) again. This time it wasn’t ‘homos’ or The Tuna that got Shockey mouthing off idiot-like. Now it’s his role in Coughlin’s offense. Shockey has a number of complaints. His first complaint is that having to stay in to block makes him think too much about blitz pick-ups and pass protection. Shockey’s second complaint is that Coughlin’s schemes put him in motion too much (in order to confuse blitzers and roll coverages) which tires him out before the snap of the ball. Let’s review:
Shockey has to think too much.
Shockey gets tired.
Poor Shockey.
Kyle Boller on his pre-game ritual: "I actually listen to the NFL on Fox theme song on my Ipod."
*Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
I stand corrected in my prediction that the "11 Yards with Thurston Long" segment would never appear again. Last entry here:
http://www.sportsline.com/cbssports/news/week3nflnotes
Dig that "satirical feature," man.
Expected to return as a CBS NFL sideline reporter in about a month after recovering from Aug. 27 hip replacement surgery, Lesley Visser said, "Everyone who has had this surgery has offered tips — Dan Dierdorf to Mike Ditka to Mike Krzyzewski. But Mary Carillo gave me the best advice: 'Don't be a hero, take the drugs.' "
Lesley Visser had a hip replaced?
So the papers were abuzz with the news that Terry Holt got ‘punked’ on some terrible new bit on Monday Night Football. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb in saying that MNF has become one of the worst produced franchises in all of television history. Is anyone aware that there’s a football game going on here? Between the clip-reel nostalgia fest, terrible player segments, graphics all over the damn screen, and the ever-sucking halftime productions, one might forget that there’s a sporting event buried in the broadcast. How could a show that was once the paragon of sports programming turn into this muddled, demo-whore of a production? A reality-show style prank segment? I’m just at a loss for words.
"You have to win in football. I've always said winning is a great deodorant."- John Madden on winning in his Sept. 22 on-line chat.
*The Stadium Scene:
The 49ers have reached a deal with Monster Cable Products Inc. to change the name of Candlestick Park to Monster Park. Candlestick was called 3Com Park from 1996-2001, when the deal expired. The contract with Monster runs through 2008. Yes, Monster Park.
*Shot of the week:
2nd item:
http://www.qsrmagazine.com/issue/onetowatch/sep2002.phtml
¶ 11:33 AM 0 comments
