Friday, September 10, 2004
Week 1
This is week number one, this is week number one; isn’t this a lot of fun.
Prologue: First off, it is incredibly stupid to bet on Week 1 NFL. You might as well go throw down some money on cattle cud regurgitation. (Hey dude, what’s the o/u on a fifth stomach cud? Sweet. Give me a sawbuck on the five hole, brah!). For one, the Vegas-based bookiebots have no better idea at the outcome of Week 1 games than do those old drunk men in sansabelt pants picking up discarded tickets off the floor of the horsetrack (that’s assuming the two aren’t one and the same). So you’re unlikely to encounter much beyond the obligatory, ‘oddsmaking is an invented profession… like marketing’ spread of 3 or 4 points. And what great statistical trends do you have to decide these small spreads? Why, preseason football of course, the simulacrum of semi-professionalism. Preseason football exists as a good introduction to your local service-industry workers. See that man that just returned an INT for a touchdown? He’ll be delivering your FedEx packages in three weeks; or driving your beer truck; or exporting the sacred and noble ideals of democracy to all those heathens in Canada, Europe, and – wait for it people – Iraq in the form of American Football. The stars of TDs and the stripes of PATs, baby! Seven red stripes of passes defensed, six white stripes of fumbles, and a whole mess of stars! Oh say can you safety, by the third and long’s early light, what so proudly we hail mary, at the dimeback’s fast blitzing.
Despite the assurances of freaked-out coaching staffs throughout the league, Week 1 brings little in the way of roster stability, definitive position starters, gameplans, playbooks, or much else involving team management. Given the off-season churn of free agency, the fluid nature of today’s coaching staff, the immediate demands of success by meddling owners, and the hesitation of coaches to risk a pre-season injury to their franchise players, preseason football has come to offer less of a preview of regular season play and more of a league promotional campaign and preview of this season’s awful commercial campaigns. New coaching staffs, training camp injuries and the sturm und drang of free agency means that teams have come to rely upon regular season play to develop their on-field identity, coherence, motivation, and all that other crap that will be regurgitated for sideline/postgame interviews henceforth. About the only people you can expect to be ready for Week 1 are the equipment people, the television production crew, the computers, and the facepainters. The pre-season would be better if the league filled Hank II with a fifth of Jack Daniels, hooked him up with a wireless system for his Stratocaster, and had him run passing routes while playing the Monday Night theme song. Eh, and they could throw in some cheerleaders too or something. Okay, maybe also some fire, lasers, and explosions. Hell, they should just throw a football on an empty playing field and we’ll gamble on whether it stops rolling brand-name side up.
Which means again, don’t bet on week 1. The low spreads will be blowouts, the double-digit spreads will go to OT, and I will be lucky to win 7 games. But it would be a remission of CIA proportions for me to forgo Week 1 in a goddamn football betting guide, so without further ado…
Colts (+3) vs. Pats: Thursday night? What is this, foreplay? I realize that Thursday night is the new Friday night, but I just don’t understand this new trend of starting the season on a goddamn weeknight. At least on Sunday I’ve got time to recover from the 1 & 4 games before I spend the rest of the week recovering from Joe Theismann in the late game. I suppose the league just can’t resist putting this match-up under the marquee lights of Thursday night, in direct challenge to such ratings rockers as ‘Hot Police Chicks Surrounded by Beakers & Test Tubes,’ and ‘Hot Chicks Covered in Insects,’ and ‘Hot and/or Gay People Re-Grouting My John.’ There is also something a little cutesy about simply replaying last year’s late-stage playoff games in Week 1. Didn’t I just see this game? Or is this the playoffs in September? Wait, what day is it? Anyhoo, this looks to be a good game, even though there is a Manning involved. I feel like people have been touting the Colts forever and their best word-o-mouth always comes in these early weeks, before the D tanks and the Edge is hurt and whole team looks like they’re just limping towards a late playoff loss. And while I was watching lingerie-clad women play tackle football instead of Janet Jackson’s sickly-looking bosom, I do seem to remember some sporting even surrounding all that boob hoopla. Ah yes, the Superbowl (capitalization necessary for branding purposes). Which the Pats won (but didn’t cover, though I don’t know what fool would lay 7 in the ‘bowl). They were faves by 6 in the AFC Championship and won by 3. So those Vegas geniuses pretty much made the line the same as last winter’s outcome. Christ, why doesn’t ABC just roll a tape of last year’s game and call it a night. Anyhoo, the Pats won the Superbowl and had two first round draft picks. They kept coordinators on both sides of the ball and improved the running game with the addition of Corey Dillon, who, while not part of the Corey-related star factory that brought us that adorable tag team of C. Feldman and C. Haim, is an improvement over Antowain Smith, the kind of player who receives a nickname from his teammates then a few years later has it taken back. Basically the Pats are returning almost all the key players and look to be as good as last year. I think a couple of breaks will keep them from the Superbowl repeat. But the Colts did nothing to shore up a questionable defense, gave Manning a contract the size of the Ritz (which is bound to lead to a disappointing season) and their questionable secondary is bound to get burned more than most by the new 5 yard bump rule (then again their receivers will probably benefit more than most, but still...). Late season momentum could carry the Colts to the big game, but Week 1 is all about the defending champs. The Pats were the best team in football last year and arguably got better; the Colts weren’t & didn’t.
Picksgiving: Pats.
Titans (-3) vs. Fins: Sign on the wall said long-haired Ricky people need not apply! Certainly the Ricky saga was the offseason’s most entertaining story. All the ex-jocks and old beat-down sports-desk reporters love to get in a curmudgeonly huff when someone ‘disses’ the game as Ricky apparently did in not giving the Dolphins enough forewarning of his retirement. Total hokum. My employer could lay me off tomorrow (which, of course, they’ve been claiming they’re going to do for years now). Teams have no problem waiving players when it suits their needs. But apparently Ricky’s independence and vague desire to have a semi-functioning body past age 35 make him a selfish and loathsome player. The saccharine myths of the glory of the sport and how a player needs to subject himself to ‘the respect for the game’ are illusions from which the league and all its fanzine yes-men would be best to distance themselves. That maudlin propaganda might motivate the sportsbar drunk to buy a pair of Minnesota Vikings boxer-briefs, but it will forever anchor the game in the tear-soaked nostalgia of mindless allegiance. It’s a business. It’s a sport. It’s a game. Let the man do what he wants. When he first started in the league, Ricky gave all his interviews while wearing his helmet. No matter what time of the day. Not just after practice or a game, mind you, but all interviews. I like to think of Ricky doing all sort of mundane tasks while wearing his football helmet. Washing the car. Washing the dog. Washing himself. Well, they don’t all involve washing, but you get the idea. That’s the Ricky I want to remember, not the Ricky castigated by all the ‘we’ll give him the ball 40 times a game then have a fit when he doesn’t want that beating anymore.’ Also, you might remember that last year Ricky (and his hair) forced the league to issue a ruling on whether a player’s hair, when outside the helmet, was considered part of the uniform. It was considered so. I wonder if his hair got its own locker or equipment person. So, the game: The Fins traded a second-round pick for a third-string quarterback, then named Fiedler the starter anyway. I understand the average fish fan’s disillusionment with Fiedler. But he’s 35-17 and Wannstedt should have just stood by him. Instead they lose Ricky, they tried to help the WRs by getting David Boston (a questionable decision anyway) and lost him to injury, and still have the same QB. No playoffs this year, Fins. And no Wannstedt next year. The Titans released ‘the freak’ (more like the injury freak), and Eddie George (which they should have; Chris Brown looks like he will step up fine) and lost Justin McCareins and Wycheck; however the offense has plenty of weapons and good role players and the defense is returning enough players and the Titinos had a very D-heavy draft, which should keep it solid. The Fins will be one of this season’s debacles and it begins with a Week 1 thumping.
Picksgiving: Titans.
Raiders (+4) vs. Steelers: Dust off the mothballs, children, and look at the sad remains of two former storied franchises. I might be more excited about this matchup if a) both teams didn’t suck so hard and b) Warren Sapp weren’t involved. Raider Nation now requires a stamped passport from Assholia to gain entrance. Will they add a silver & black fatsuit to their post-apocalyptic pirate and demon warrior outfits? New coach Norv Turner brings his power-running game from Miami to feature… whom? Tyrone Wheatly? I don’t think so. Not that the league’s 2nd worst rushing game last year (the Pitts) have much to match it. The Rich Gannon/Kerry Collins QB controversy will contest the Fiedler/Feely debate in Miami to rival last years Kelly Holcomb/Tim Couch debacle. When these are your options, you might as well include a third. It’s called euthanasia. Both defenses look to be on the downward slide and neither team seems to have addressed many of last year’s problems. So go with the offense.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Bucs (+2) vs. Skins: The Skins have upped the ante in what will be a brutal NFC East. Brutal for the Giants, that is. So Joe Gibbs, NASCAR wasn’t enough, huh? You mean having someone drive around in a circle didn’t offer the same glory as the NFL? The Skins picked up Brunell, Portis, & James Trash and look to be cooking on offense. The question will be the play of the defense. The Bucs went 3-6 over the last 9 games last year and the three wins were against the Saints, Giants, & Texans. They are in the opposite boat, with a steady defense and a very questionable offense. Gruden has done it before with role players, but this lineup looks like more of a stretch than usual. With a figgie spread, I usually lean towards the better defense, and the Bucs have the slight advantage there. But I think the offenses are far apart in skill players. Thus the Skins, but I might reconsider if it gets over 3.
Picksgiving: Skins
Ravens (-3) vs. Browns: Terror alert: Code Browns! Really, I wonder how these colors feel now that they’re subject to endless stupid terror alert jokes. Do the colors sit around their multi-hued superhero hideout and bemoan the fact that they are the silence-greeted punchline for countless stand-up hacks? Let the colors go, people! Set them free! They had nothing to do with this war! Terrorists want to destroy our lifestyle, not our color wheel. Strap the heavy lifting of the terror alert level to the backs of numbers. Let the terrorists destroy the numbers! Hell, they can have them without a fight! 6 means nothing to me! [Proper grammar says to spell out a number if it is the first word in a sentence, but I think that would have defeated the concept of the joke, which was teetering on the brink of defeat as it was. It was something like terror alert concept joke +36 v. appreciable humor. It’s still a tough spread to cover]… Jamal Lewis had 2066 yards last year, mostly against defenses stacked against the run. If only he had as much success in indictments stacked against the defendant. Or coke stacked against the backseat. If Jamal runs (his 295 yard game last year was against the Browns, who otherwise didn’t have too bad a defense), the Ravens will cover. It’ll be interesting to see how the Garcia thing goes in Cleveland. I’m rooting for him b/c he got treated like shit in S.F., but he’s probably going to get a lot of the blame for a team that doesn’t have much talent. Oh God Oh God. I almost forgot about Deion. He has joined the Ravens pending approval by the AARP. It’s too depressing. I’ll save that topic for another day. I forget who said it, but as long as Deion is on the field (or, really, the sideline), he isn’t in the television studio. And that’s worth something.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Jags (+3) vs. Bills: Why the Bills would hire former Steelers Offensive Coordinator Mike Mularkey, when the Steelers were 22nd in total offense last year, is anyone’s guess. He’s a specialist at all those wacky trick plays of the Korsmell era. Those went over well. The Bills also traded next year’s first round pick for a quarterback named J.P. Losman. Wow, a LoseMan and a Mularkey on the same team! Damn, the planets are really in alignment now! Hell, why don’t they just sign Baron Von Last Place? The Jags started terribly last season, but played well against good teams towards the end. And I get me some points.
Picksgiving: Jags
Bengals (+4.5) vs. Jets: The Bengals were in the playoff (and division title) hunt all of last year, and I was pulling for them. Orange & Black attack! Rawr! Hunt that crown, big cat! Unfortunately, keeping with the J.J. principle of fandom whereby anything I cheer for fails horribly, the Bengals crashed in week 17. They say this is a team with a lot of intangibles. I consider myself a person with a lot of intangibles as well – such as my liver, my kidney, my pancreas. You might not see them, but really my whole digestive system can keep a flailing team afloat in a tight game. The only thing that could counter my intangibles would be a good disemboweling. So the Bengals and I have that in common. The Jets have a suspect secondary that could easily be burned by the Bengals passing attack, but Stripeys aren’t really fielding much of a defense themselves. I feel like I’m taking too many road teams here, but I can’t wait to hear the sports talk radio when the Jets get creamed.
Picksgiving: Bengals
Lions (+3) vs. Bears: Wow, a divisional game between the two losers of the NFC North. Do I really have to pick one? Yes. Do I really have to talk about it? No.
Picksgiving: Lions
Cards (+11) vs. Rams: The Greatest Show on Barf. Sorry, The Greatest Show on RealBarf. The Rams will benefit from the 5-yard bump rule given their quick passing and speedy receivers. One pities the Cards in the same way one pities a stray animal. You hope them well, and you might even contribute to a charity which rescues them, but you don’t really want to bring them home and have them crap on all your stuff. Injuries have ravaged them in preseason and they’ll be lucky to match last season 4-win output. The line looks big, but in week 4 last year the spread here was 11.5 and the Rams won 37-13. Eat the points.
Picksgiving: Rams
Seahawks (-2.5) vs. Saints: Battle of the hype! Where is my publicist to figure it all out for me? Besides winning only two road games last season, the Seahawks look to build off last year’s playoff trip. The Saints are chronic underachievers and will need every home win to stay in their division. Oh, I don’t know. Hassleback sounds like an expensive cut of meat. These teams met in Week 1 last year and the Seahawks romped 27-10 as 3 pt. faves. If we do not study history, we are doomed to repeat it. So let us repeat it, because I’m too old to study.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Chargers (+4.5) vs. Texans: Lordy, I’m shocked, just outright shocked that this wasn’t designated as the Kickoff Weekend Thursday night game. Maybe Lenny Kravitz put his foot down at playing before this game. I mean, hell, the Texans weren’t around in Jimi’s day, so this shit doesn’t cut it with Kravitz. I think the FCC might come pestering the league again when researchers discover this telecast acts as a dangerous sedative to anyone viewing it. The military will pick up on this and arrange for both teams to be removed from the league and instead be stationed in the Pentagon’s weapons department for immediate deployment to ‘hot spots’ around the world, where their exhibition matches will avert international crises by anesthetizing entire populations.
Picksgiving: Texans
Giants (+9) vs. Eagles: Terrell Owens’ contract stipulations before signing with the Eagles:
Upon every catch by T.O., the stadium sound man must play the eagle-attacking-prey ‘CAWWW!’ sound.
Before every winter game, T.O. is allowed to pee the initials ‘T.O.’ in the snow of each end zone.
T.O. will no longer sign autographs, but instead spit into commemorative paper drinking cups.
All charitable community appearances by T.O. must involve charities related to ‘booty.’
The Eagles organization will provide, free of charge, a novelty ‘singing fish’ plaque for each pass T.O. catches over the middle.
The T.O. bobblehead will be noticeably well endowed. T.O.’s contract specifies ‘down there.’
All T.O.’s touchdowns will be marked in the official Eagles press guide as T.O.Ds.
In lieu of the ‘Randy Ratio,’ the Eagles marketing staff will be directed to familiarize the public with the gameplan of ‘Terrell Touches.’ T.O. encourages the use of double entendres in said marketing campaign.
Only one T.O. gameball per season will be earmarked ‘for the shorties.’
T.O.’s jock strap will be made out of velvet.
Upon meaningful receptions, T.O. may dance.
The helmet-shaped golf cart will transport T.O. to and from the huddle.
At all times, T.O.’s locker must be fully stocked with curly-Q drinking straws.
If T.O. says so, then it is so.
During team prayer, only T.O. is allowed to hambone.
T.O. gets as many Eagles cheerleader lingerie calendars as he wants.
T.O. gets as many Eagles ‘Studs of the Grounds Crew’ calendars as he wants.
The Eagles organization will provide T.O. with one underwater phone for when he is in the whirlpool bath and really needs some fucking privacy, dammit.
All fines incurred by T.O. will be paid from the Eagles’ Children with Incurable Diseases Fund.
In order to claim that the #81 jersey is selling like hotcakes, each #81 jersey will be sold with a side order of hotcakes.
Anyhoo, I don’t expect much from the Giants, but I think the Eagles are overblown, have lots of questions, and shouldn’t be getting more than 7 pts.
Picksgiving: Giants
Cowboys (+4.5) vs. Vikes: Vinny Greenball? Just Gimme the Damn Keyshawn? Why the hell is Parcells trying to reform his old Jets team? I hate even thinking about the Cowboys. Jerry Jones looks like a fish. Let's leave it at that . The Vikes lost 7 of their last 10 games to make sure they missed the playoffs, as usual. They have the weapons to make it this year (assuming their running-back-by-committee system still works), but I’m not sure how they upgraded the defense by hiring the Jets former D-coordinator, who was fired because the Jets defense was so terrible last year. I’m guessing that the Cowboys’ QB situation will make last year’s Quincy ‘Q-factor’ Carter ineptitude look like, uh, a really delicious cupcake.
Picksgiving: Vikes
Falcons (-3.5) vs. 49ers: I’m not sure which team to Vick. But seriously, guess who is hurt on the Falcons? Vick, Price, starting CB DeAngelo Hall, Crumpler, Dunn, and Brooking. Christ, somebody shiv the waterboy to finish off the whole damn roster. The 49ers aren’t in much better shape, with Rattay missing much of pre-season and the team getting rid of most of its offensive starters. I don’t want to pick against my Falcons, but they’ve looked crappy in preseason and this is the biggest home dog spread.
Picksgiving: 49ers
Chiefs (+3) vs. Broncos: Did you know that the man who wears a barrel at Broncos games is enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame? What did he do to get there, you ask? He wore a barrel. He fucking put on a barrel. He attached some suspended to a barrel and put it on his body. That’s it. Do you believe that? I’m sure he is a devoted fan and everything, but still. Okay, supposedly he wears nothing under the barrel, but having seen the guy, I’d rather not dwell on that tidbit. A barrel. Hall of Fame. God save us all. An idle thought: how many religious pun headlines has Priest Holmes inspired? Who said journalism isn’t creative?
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Packers (+3) vs. Panthers: You might as well put every single Packer’s fan in the damn Hall of Fame too, since they wear foam cheese on their heads. Hey Pack, that Tim Couch deal went swimmingly! ‘Quarterback of the Future,’ my ass. The future two weeks, maybe. Hell, the Packers were in contract negotiations with Couch for longer than he was even on the team! I guess the team is going to have to cancel that order they put in for the foam coaches for fans to wear on their heads. It’s moves like this Couch debacle that prompt one to question the intelligence of the people who run these multi-million dollar franchises. Oh, right, the Pack is publicly owned. I guess blind devotion never really works as stockholder oversight. Could someone scoop up all the shares and take ownership of the Packers? I don’t know, but if it’s possible, my money is on China
Picksgiving: Panthers (China isn’t in the NFL. Yet.).
Best Bets (2 per week): Bengals, Ravens
Errata: (in the future, this section will contain all sorts of silly joke topics related to football; I started this damn thing too late to get any of the below finished. Tune in next week):
FootballWeb (web-realted football stupidity)
From the Mouth of Knaves (Idiot commentary from professional football commentators; get used to seeing the name Chris Collinsworth)
Boner Pills & Beer (a critical review of football-related commercials)
I get drunk and call sports talk radio (no, seriously, this isn’t an excuse to drink)
Out of Bounds: Ridiculous selections from crappy ‘leadership’-themed books by football coaches and former players, self-promotional ‘autobiography’ tripe from current football players, and sappy ‘inspirational’ bestsellers with a football theme.
Comedic and untruthful accounts of games simulated on the PS2.
and other crap I haven’t thought up yet. Damn, I got a bit of a late start on all this. Well anyway… Here’s to you, football!
¶ 2:40 PM
This is week number one, this is week number one; isn’t this a lot of fun.
Prologue: First off, it is incredibly stupid to bet on Week 1 NFL. You might as well go throw down some money on cattle cud regurgitation. (Hey dude, what’s the o/u on a fifth stomach cud? Sweet. Give me a sawbuck on the five hole, brah!). For one, the Vegas-based bookiebots have no better idea at the outcome of Week 1 games than do those old drunk men in sansabelt pants picking up discarded tickets off the floor of the horsetrack (that’s assuming the two aren’t one and the same). So you’re unlikely to encounter much beyond the obligatory, ‘oddsmaking is an invented profession… like marketing’ spread of 3 or 4 points. And what great statistical trends do you have to decide these small spreads? Why, preseason football of course, the simulacrum of semi-professionalism. Preseason football exists as a good introduction to your local service-industry workers. See that man that just returned an INT for a touchdown? He’ll be delivering your FedEx packages in three weeks; or driving your beer truck; or exporting the sacred and noble ideals of democracy to all those heathens in Canada, Europe, and – wait for it people – Iraq in the form of American Football. The stars of TDs and the stripes of PATs, baby! Seven red stripes of passes defensed, six white stripes of fumbles, and a whole mess of stars! Oh say can you safety, by the third and long’s early light, what so proudly we hail mary, at the dimeback’s fast blitzing.
Despite the assurances of freaked-out coaching staffs throughout the league, Week 1 brings little in the way of roster stability, definitive position starters, gameplans, playbooks, or much else involving team management. Given the off-season churn of free agency, the fluid nature of today’s coaching staff, the immediate demands of success by meddling owners, and the hesitation of coaches to risk a pre-season injury to their franchise players, preseason football has come to offer less of a preview of regular season play and more of a league promotional campaign and preview of this season’s awful commercial campaigns. New coaching staffs, training camp injuries and the sturm und drang of free agency means that teams have come to rely upon regular season play to develop their on-field identity, coherence, motivation, and all that other crap that will be regurgitated for sideline/postgame interviews henceforth. About the only people you can expect to be ready for Week 1 are the equipment people, the television production crew, the computers, and the facepainters. The pre-season would be better if the league filled Hank II with a fifth of Jack Daniels, hooked him up with a wireless system for his Stratocaster, and had him run passing routes while playing the Monday Night theme song. Eh, and they could throw in some cheerleaders too or something. Okay, maybe also some fire, lasers, and explosions. Hell, they should just throw a football on an empty playing field and we’ll gamble on whether it stops rolling brand-name side up.
Which means again, don’t bet on week 1. The low spreads will be blowouts, the double-digit spreads will go to OT, and I will be lucky to win 7 games. But it would be a remission of CIA proportions for me to forgo Week 1 in a goddamn football betting guide, so without further ado…
Colts (+3) vs. Pats: Thursday night? What is this, foreplay? I realize that Thursday night is the new Friday night, but I just don’t understand this new trend of starting the season on a goddamn weeknight. At least on Sunday I’ve got time to recover from the 1 & 4 games before I spend the rest of the week recovering from Joe Theismann in the late game. I suppose the league just can’t resist putting this match-up under the marquee lights of Thursday night, in direct challenge to such ratings rockers as ‘Hot Police Chicks Surrounded by Beakers & Test Tubes,’ and ‘Hot Chicks Covered in Insects,’ and ‘Hot and/or Gay People Re-Grouting My John.’ There is also something a little cutesy about simply replaying last year’s late-stage playoff games in Week 1. Didn’t I just see this game? Or is this the playoffs in September? Wait, what day is it? Anyhoo, this looks to be a good game, even though there is a Manning involved. I feel like people have been touting the Colts forever and their best word-o-mouth always comes in these early weeks, before the D tanks and the Edge is hurt and whole team looks like they’re just limping towards a late playoff loss. And while I was watching lingerie-clad women play tackle football instead of Janet Jackson’s sickly-looking bosom, I do seem to remember some sporting even surrounding all that boob hoopla. Ah yes, the Superbowl (capitalization necessary for branding purposes). Which the Pats won (but didn’t cover, though I don’t know what fool would lay 7 in the ‘bowl). They were faves by 6 in the AFC Championship and won by 3. So those Vegas geniuses pretty much made the line the same as last winter’s outcome. Christ, why doesn’t ABC just roll a tape of last year’s game and call it a night. Anyhoo, the Pats won the Superbowl and had two first round draft picks. They kept coordinators on both sides of the ball and improved the running game with the addition of Corey Dillon, who, while not part of the Corey-related star factory that brought us that adorable tag team of C. Feldman and C. Haim, is an improvement over Antowain Smith, the kind of player who receives a nickname from his teammates then a few years later has it taken back. Basically the Pats are returning almost all the key players and look to be as good as last year. I think a couple of breaks will keep them from the Superbowl repeat. But the Colts did nothing to shore up a questionable defense, gave Manning a contract the size of the Ritz (which is bound to lead to a disappointing season) and their questionable secondary is bound to get burned more than most by the new 5 yard bump rule (then again their receivers will probably benefit more than most, but still...). Late season momentum could carry the Colts to the big game, but Week 1 is all about the defending champs. The Pats were the best team in football last year and arguably got better; the Colts weren’t & didn’t.
Picksgiving: Pats.
Titans (-3) vs. Fins: Sign on the wall said long-haired Ricky people need not apply! Certainly the Ricky saga was the offseason’s most entertaining story. All the ex-jocks and old beat-down sports-desk reporters love to get in a curmudgeonly huff when someone ‘disses’ the game as Ricky apparently did in not giving the Dolphins enough forewarning of his retirement. Total hokum. My employer could lay me off tomorrow (which, of course, they’ve been claiming they’re going to do for years now). Teams have no problem waiving players when it suits their needs. But apparently Ricky’s independence and vague desire to have a semi-functioning body past age 35 make him a selfish and loathsome player. The saccharine myths of the glory of the sport and how a player needs to subject himself to ‘the respect for the game’ are illusions from which the league and all its fanzine yes-men would be best to distance themselves. That maudlin propaganda might motivate the sportsbar drunk to buy a pair of Minnesota Vikings boxer-briefs, but it will forever anchor the game in the tear-soaked nostalgia of mindless allegiance. It’s a business. It’s a sport. It’s a game. Let the man do what he wants. When he first started in the league, Ricky gave all his interviews while wearing his helmet. No matter what time of the day. Not just after practice or a game, mind you, but all interviews. I like to think of Ricky doing all sort of mundane tasks while wearing his football helmet. Washing the car. Washing the dog. Washing himself. Well, they don’t all involve washing, but you get the idea. That’s the Ricky I want to remember, not the Ricky castigated by all the ‘we’ll give him the ball 40 times a game then have a fit when he doesn’t want that beating anymore.’ Also, you might remember that last year Ricky (and his hair) forced the league to issue a ruling on whether a player’s hair, when outside the helmet, was considered part of the uniform. It was considered so. I wonder if his hair got its own locker or equipment person. So, the game: The Fins traded a second-round pick for a third-string quarterback, then named Fiedler the starter anyway. I understand the average fish fan’s disillusionment with Fiedler. But he’s 35-17 and Wannstedt should have just stood by him. Instead they lose Ricky, they tried to help the WRs by getting David Boston (a questionable decision anyway) and lost him to injury, and still have the same QB. No playoffs this year, Fins. And no Wannstedt next year. The Titans released ‘the freak’ (more like the injury freak), and Eddie George (which they should have; Chris Brown looks like he will step up fine) and lost Justin McCareins and Wycheck; however the offense has plenty of weapons and good role players and the defense is returning enough players and the Titinos had a very D-heavy draft, which should keep it solid. The Fins will be one of this season’s debacles and it begins with a Week 1 thumping.
Picksgiving: Titans.
Raiders (+4) vs. Steelers: Dust off the mothballs, children, and look at the sad remains of two former storied franchises. I might be more excited about this matchup if a) both teams didn’t suck so hard and b) Warren Sapp weren’t involved. Raider Nation now requires a stamped passport from Assholia to gain entrance. Will they add a silver & black fatsuit to their post-apocalyptic pirate and demon warrior outfits? New coach Norv Turner brings his power-running game from Miami to feature… whom? Tyrone Wheatly? I don’t think so. Not that the league’s 2nd worst rushing game last year (the Pitts) have much to match it. The Rich Gannon/Kerry Collins QB controversy will contest the Fiedler/Feely debate in Miami to rival last years Kelly Holcomb/Tim Couch debacle. When these are your options, you might as well include a third. It’s called euthanasia. Both defenses look to be on the downward slide and neither team seems to have addressed many of last year’s problems. So go with the offense.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Bucs (+2) vs. Skins: The Skins have upped the ante in what will be a brutal NFC East. Brutal for the Giants, that is. So Joe Gibbs, NASCAR wasn’t enough, huh? You mean having someone drive around in a circle didn’t offer the same glory as the NFL? The Skins picked up Brunell, Portis, & James Trash and look to be cooking on offense. The question will be the play of the defense. The Bucs went 3-6 over the last 9 games last year and the three wins were against the Saints, Giants, & Texans. They are in the opposite boat, with a steady defense and a very questionable offense. Gruden has done it before with role players, but this lineup looks like more of a stretch than usual. With a figgie spread, I usually lean towards the better defense, and the Bucs have the slight advantage there. But I think the offenses are far apart in skill players. Thus the Skins, but I might reconsider if it gets over 3.
Picksgiving: Skins
Ravens (-3) vs. Browns: Terror alert: Code Browns! Really, I wonder how these colors feel now that they’re subject to endless stupid terror alert jokes. Do the colors sit around their multi-hued superhero hideout and bemoan the fact that they are the silence-greeted punchline for countless stand-up hacks? Let the colors go, people! Set them free! They had nothing to do with this war! Terrorists want to destroy our lifestyle, not our color wheel. Strap the heavy lifting of the terror alert level to the backs of numbers. Let the terrorists destroy the numbers! Hell, they can have them without a fight! 6 means nothing to me! [Proper grammar says to spell out a number if it is the first word in a sentence, but I think that would have defeated the concept of the joke, which was teetering on the brink of defeat as it was. It was something like terror alert concept joke +36 v. appreciable humor. It’s still a tough spread to cover]… Jamal Lewis had 2066 yards last year, mostly against defenses stacked against the run. If only he had as much success in indictments stacked against the defendant. Or coke stacked against the backseat. If Jamal runs (his 295 yard game last year was against the Browns, who otherwise didn’t have too bad a defense), the Ravens will cover. It’ll be interesting to see how the Garcia thing goes in Cleveland. I’m rooting for him b/c he got treated like shit in S.F., but he’s probably going to get a lot of the blame for a team that doesn’t have much talent. Oh God Oh God. I almost forgot about Deion. He has joined the Ravens pending approval by the AARP. It’s too depressing. I’ll save that topic for another day. I forget who said it, but as long as Deion is on the field (or, really, the sideline), he isn’t in the television studio. And that’s worth something.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Jags (+3) vs. Bills: Why the Bills would hire former Steelers Offensive Coordinator Mike Mularkey, when the Steelers were 22nd in total offense last year, is anyone’s guess. He’s a specialist at all those wacky trick plays of the Korsmell era. Those went over well. The Bills also traded next year’s first round pick for a quarterback named J.P. Losman. Wow, a LoseMan and a Mularkey on the same team! Damn, the planets are really in alignment now! Hell, why don’t they just sign Baron Von Last Place? The Jags started terribly last season, but played well against good teams towards the end. And I get me some points.
Picksgiving: Jags
Bengals (+4.5) vs. Jets: The Bengals were in the playoff (and division title) hunt all of last year, and I was pulling for them. Orange & Black attack! Rawr! Hunt that crown, big cat! Unfortunately, keeping with the J.J. principle of fandom whereby anything I cheer for fails horribly, the Bengals crashed in week 17. They say this is a team with a lot of intangibles. I consider myself a person with a lot of intangibles as well – such as my liver, my kidney, my pancreas. You might not see them, but really my whole digestive system can keep a flailing team afloat in a tight game. The only thing that could counter my intangibles would be a good disemboweling. So the Bengals and I have that in common. The Jets have a suspect secondary that could easily be burned by the Bengals passing attack, but Stripeys aren’t really fielding much of a defense themselves. I feel like I’m taking too many road teams here, but I can’t wait to hear the sports talk radio when the Jets get creamed.
Picksgiving: Bengals
Lions (+3) vs. Bears: Wow, a divisional game between the two losers of the NFC North. Do I really have to pick one? Yes. Do I really have to talk about it? No.
Picksgiving: Lions
Cards (+11) vs. Rams: The Greatest Show on Barf. Sorry, The Greatest Show on RealBarf. The Rams will benefit from the 5-yard bump rule given their quick passing and speedy receivers. One pities the Cards in the same way one pities a stray animal. You hope them well, and you might even contribute to a charity which rescues them, but you don’t really want to bring them home and have them crap on all your stuff. Injuries have ravaged them in preseason and they’ll be lucky to match last season 4-win output. The line looks big, but in week 4 last year the spread here was 11.5 and the Rams won 37-13. Eat the points.
Picksgiving: Rams
Seahawks (-2.5) vs. Saints: Battle of the hype! Where is my publicist to figure it all out for me? Besides winning only two road games last season, the Seahawks look to build off last year’s playoff trip. The Saints are chronic underachievers and will need every home win to stay in their division. Oh, I don’t know. Hassleback sounds like an expensive cut of meat. These teams met in Week 1 last year and the Seahawks romped 27-10 as 3 pt. faves. If we do not study history, we are doomed to repeat it. So let us repeat it, because I’m too old to study.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Chargers (+4.5) vs. Texans: Lordy, I’m shocked, just outright shocked that this wasn’t designated as the Kickoff Weekend Thursday night game. Maybe Lenny Kravitz put his foot down at playing before this game. I mean, hell, the Texans weren’t around in Jimi’s day, so this shit doesn’t cut it with Kravitz. I think the FCC might come pestering the league again when researchers discover this telecast acts as a dangerous sedative to anyone viewing it. The military will pick up on this and arrange for both teams to be removed from the league and instead be stationed in the Pentagon’s weapons department for immediate deployment to ‘hot spots’ around the world, where their exhibition matches will avert international crises by anesthetizing entire populations.
Picksgiving: Texans
Giants (+9) vs. Eagles: Terrell Owens’ contract stipulations before signing with the Eagles:
Upon every catch by T.O., the stadium sound man must play the eagle-attacking-prey ‘CAWWW!’ sound.
Before every winter game, T.O. is allowed to pee the initials ‘T.O.’ in the snow of each end zone.
T.O. will no longer sign autographs, but instead spit into commemorative paper drinking cups.
All charitable community appearances by T.O. must involve charities related to ‘booty.’
The Eagles organization will provide, free of charge, a novelty ‘singing fish’ plaque for each pass T.O. catches over the middle.
The T.O. bobblehead will be noticeably well endowed. T.O.’s contract specifies ‘down there.’
All T.O.’s touchdowns will be marked in the official Eagles press guide as T.O.Ds.
In lieu of the ‘Randy Ratio,’ the Eagles marketing staff will be directed to familiarize the public with the gameplan of ‘Terrell Touches.’ T.O. encourages the use of double entendres in said marketing campaign.
Only one T.O. gameball per season will be earmarked ‘for the shorties.’
T.O.’s jock strap will be made out of velvet.
Upon meaningful receptions, T.O. may dance.
The helmet-shaped golf cart will transport T.O. to and from the huddle.
At all times, T.O.’s locker must be fully stocked with curly-Q drinking straws.
If T.O. says so, then it is so.
During team prayer, only T.O. is allowed to hambone.
T.O. gets as many Eagles cheerleader lingerie calendars as he wants.
T.O. gets as many Eagles ‘Studs of the Grounds Crew’ calendars as he wants.
The Eagles organization will provide T.O. with one underwater phone for when he is in the whirlpool bath and really needs some fucking privacy, dammit.
All fines incurred by T.O. will be paid from the Eagles’ Children with Incurable Diseases Fund.
In order to claim that the #81 jersey is selling like hotcakes, each #81 jersey will be sold with a side order of hotcakes.
Anyhoo, I don’t expect much from the Giants, but I think the Eagles are overblown, have lots of questions, and shouldn’t be getting more than 7 pts.
Picksgiving: Giants
Cowboys (+4.5) vs. Vikes: Vinny Greenball? Just Gimme the Damn Keyshawn? Why the hell is Parcells trying to reform his old Jets team? I hate even thinking about the Cowboys. Jerry Jones looks like a fish. Let's leave it at that . The Vikes lost 7 of their last 10 games to make sure they missed the playoffs, as usual. They have the weapons to make it this year (assuming their running-back-by-committee system still works), but I’m not sure how they upgraded the defense by hiring the Jets former D-coordinator, who was fired because the Jets defense was so terrible last year. I’m guessing that the Cowboys’ QB situation will make last year’s Quincy ‘Q-factor’ Carter ineptitude look like, uh, a really delicious cupcake.
Picksgiving: Vikes
Falcons (-3.5) vs. 49ers: I’m not sure which team to Vick. But seriously, guess who is hurt on the Falcons? Vick, Price, starting CB DeAngelo Hall, Crumpler, Dunn, and Brooking. Christ, somebody shiv the waterboy to finish off the whole damn roster. The 49ers aren’t in much better shape, with Rattay missing much of pre-season and the team getting rid of most of its offensive starters. I don’t want to pick against my Falcons, but they’ve looked crappy in preseason and this is the biggest home dog spread.
Picksgiving: 49ers
Chiefs (+3) vs. Broncos: Did you know that the man who wears a barrel at Broncos games is enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame? What did he do to get there, you ask? He wore a barrel. He fucking put on a barrel. He attached some suspended to a barrel and put it on his body. That’s it. Do you believe that? I’m sure he is a devoted fan and everything, but still. Okay, supposedly he wears nothing under the barrel, but having seen the guy, I’d rather not dwell on that tidbit. A barrel. Hall of Fame. God save us all. An idle thought: how many religious pun headlines has Priest Holmes inspired? Who said journalism isn’t creative?
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Packers (+3) vs. Panthers: You might as well put every single Packer’s fan in the damn Hall of Fame too, since they wear foam cheese on their heads. Hey Pack, that Tim Couch deal went swimmingly! ‘Quarterback of the Future,’ my ass. The future two weeks, maybe. Hell, the Packers were in contract negotiations with Couch for longer than he was even on the team! I guess the team is going to have to cancel that order they put in for the foam coaches for fans to wear on their heads. It’s moves like this Couch debacle that prompt one to question the intelligence of the people who run these multi-million dollar franchises. Oh, right, the Pack is publicly owned. I guess blind devotion never really works as stockholder oversight. Could someone scoop up all the shares and take ownership of the Packers? I don’t know, but if it’s possible, my money is on China
Picksgiving: Panthers (China isn’t in the NFL. Yet.).
Best Bets (2 per week): Bengals, Ravens
Errata: (in the future, this section will contain all sorts of silly joke topics related to football; I started this damn thing too late to get any of the below finished. Tune in next week):
FootballWeb (web-realted football stupidity)
From the Mouth of Knaves (Idiot commentary from professional football commentators; get used to seeing the name Chris Collinsworth)
Boner Pills & Beer (a critical review of football-related commercials)
I get drunk and call sports talk radio (no, seriously, this isn’t an excuse to drink)
Out of Bounds: Ridiculous selections from crappy ‘leadership’-themed books by football coaches and former players, self-promotional ‘autobiography’ tripe from current football players, and sappy ‘inspirational’ bestsellers with a football theme.
Comedic and untruthful accounts of games simulated on the PS2.
and other crap I haven’t thought up yet. Damn, I got a bit of a late start on all this. Well anyway… Here’s to you, football!
¶ 2:40 PM
