Block That Kick!
Friday, December 17, 2004
Week 15
I like to watch football, not write abou it.
Overall: 104-98-6, just barely ahead.
Last Week: 7-9, sux.
Best Best: 12-9-1.
BB Last Week: I'm busy.
Prologue: Headed home for the holidays, meaning lots of time to avoid family by sitting at the computer and working on the BTK blog. Um, or playing with the dog. Or getting the dog to work on the blog. He's probably more productive than I am. He can work on the blog, I can lay in the yard and lick my own testicles. Works out for both of us.
Steelers (-10) vs. Giants: Rookies: can't win with them, can't win without them.
Picksgiving: Steelers.
Redskins (-5) vs. 49ers: I guess the Reskins are the reason everyone in D.C. is in such a huff about this baseball crap.
Picksgiving: 49ers.
Panthers (+3.5) vs. Falcons: Upset of the trendy upset.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Seahawks (+6.5) vs. Jets : The Jets right the ship in time for a first-round playoff loss and nobody should trust the Hawks against a real defense.
Picksgiving: Jets.
Cowboys (+12.5) vs. Eagles: Who gives this many points to a team on cruise control?
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Viking (-3) vs. Lions: Stupid media. Mike Tice this and Mike Tice that. He didn't throw the ball into triple coverage. On the other side, Joey Goodbyeington.
Picksgiving: Vikings.
Chargers (-10) vs. Browns: Oh no! Weather! I'm so freakin' scared!
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Bills (-1.5) vs. Bengals: Say what you want about the Ravens-Colts, but that's all about the line. This is the real game of the week. And trust me, I can't believe I just said that.
Picksgiving: Bengals.
Jaguars (+3.5) vs. Packers: The Jags have nothing to play for.
Picksgiving: Packers.
Texans (+1) vs. Bears: I'm honestly having difficulty naming one Bears starter.
Picksgiving: Texans.
Saints (+8) vs. Bucs: Go Saints! Hey, somebody had to say it.
Picksgiving: Saints.
Rams (-3) vs. Cardinals: Rams, look at this line. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Picksgiving: Rams.
Broncos (-1) vs. Chiefs: Broncos, please see Rams-Cards.
Picksgiving: Broncos.
Titans (+2.5) vs. Raiders: It's like coal in your stocking.
Picksgiving: Titans.
Ravens (+8) vs. Colts: I'll will tolerate hearing about this record crap only if, when it happens, I never have to hear from or about Dan Marino again.
Picksgiving: Ravens.
Patriots (-9.5) vs. Dolphins: Another stellar match-up, producer man. Maybe you can spice things up by having Regis Philbin get naked and jump into Tom Brady's arms.
Picksgiving: Patriots.
Best Bets (2 per week): Vikes, Pack.
During all the holiday hoopla this coming week, just remember one thing: Jesus died for our picks.
¶ 2:16 PM 0 comments
I like to watch football, not write abou it.
Overall: 104-98-6, just barely ahead.
Last Week: 7-9, sux.
Best Best: 12-9-1.
BB Last Week: I'm busy.
Prologue: Headed home for the holidays, meaning lots of time to avoid family by sitting at the computer and working on the BTK blog. Um, or playing with the dog. Or getting the dog to work on the blog. He's probably more productive than I am. He can work on the blog, I can lay in the yard and lick my own testicles. Works out for both of us.
Steelers (-10) vs. Giants: Rookies: can't win with them, can't win without them.
Picksgiving: Steelers.
Redskins (-5) vs. 49ers: I guess the Reskins are the reason everyone in D.C. is in such a huff about this baseball crap.
Picksgiving: 49ers.
Panthers (+3.5) vs. Falcons: Upset of the trendy upset.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Seahawks (+6.5) vs. Jets : The Jets right the ship in time for a first-round playoff loss and nobody should trust the Hawks against a real defense.
Picksgiving: Jets.
Cowboys (+12.5) vs. Eagles: Who gives this many points to a team on cruise control?
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Viking (-3) vs. Lions: Stupid media. Mike Tice this and Mike Tice that. He didn't throw the ball into triple coverage. On the other side, Joey Goodbyeington.
Picksgiving: Vikings.
Chargers (-10) vs. Browns: Oh no! Weather! I'm so freakin' scared!
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Bills (-1.5) vs. Bengals: Say what you want about the Ravens-Colts, but that's all about the line. This is the real game of the week. And trust me, I can't believe I just said that.
Picksgiving: Bengals.
Jaguars (+3.5) vs. Packers: The Jags have nothing to play for.
Picksgiving: Packers.
Texans (+1) vs. Bears: I'm honestly having difficulty naming one Bears starter.
Picksgiving: Texans.
Saints (+8) vs. Bucs: Go Saints! Hey, somebody had to say it.
Picksgiving: Saints.
Rams (-3) vs. Cardinals: Rams, look at this line. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Picksgiving: Rams.
Broncos (-1) vs. Chiefs: Broncos, please see Rams-Cards.
Picksgiving: Broncos.
Titans (+2.5) vs. Raiders: It's like coal in your stocking.
Picksgiving: Titans.
Ravens (+8) vs. Colts: I'll will tolerate hearing about this record crap only if, when it happens, I never have to hear from or about Dan Marino again.
Picksgiving: Ravens.
Patriots (-9.5) vs. Dolphins: Another stellar match-up, producer man. Maybe you can spice things up by having Regis Philbin get naked and jump into Tom Brady's arms.
Picksgiving: Patriots.
Best Bets (2 per week): Vikes, Pack.
During all the holiday hoopla this coming week, just remember one thing: Jesus died for our picks.
¶ 2:16 PM 0 comments
Friday, December 10, 2004
Week 14
The weeks keep boring.
Overall: 97-89-6, yeah.
Last Week: 8-7-1, okay.
Best Bets: 12-9-1, still-still.
BB Last Week: Nada.
Bengals (+11) vs. Patriots
Picksgiving: Pats
Browns (+11) vs. Bills
Picksgiving: Bills
Giants (+10) vs. Ravens
Picksgiving: Giants
Lions (+9.5) vs. Packers
Picksgiving: Lions
Seahawks (+7) vs. Vikings
Picksgiving: Vikes
Raiders (+7.5) vs. Falcons
Picksgiving: Falcons
Bears (+7.5) vs. Jaguars
Picksgiving: Bears
Saints (+7.5) vs. Cowboys
Picksgiving: Saints
Colts (-10.5) vs. Texans
Picksgiving: Colts
Jets (+6) vs. Steelers
Picksgiving: Jets
Dolphins (+11.5) vs. Broncos
Picksgiving: Broncos
Rams (+7) vs. Panthers
Picksgiving: Panthers
49ers (+7) vs. Cardinals
Picksgiving: 49ers
Bucs (+5) vs. Chargers
Picksgiving: Chargers
Eagles (-9) vs. Redskins
Picksgiving: Eagles
Chiefs (+2) vs. Titans
Picksgiving: Chiefs
¶ 3:42 PM 0 comments
Overall: 97-89-6, yeah.
Last Week: 8-7-1, okay.
Best Bets: 12-9-1, still-still.
BB Last Week: Nada.
Bengals (+11) vs. Patriots
Picksgiving: Pats
Browns (+11) vs. Bills
Picksgiving: Bills
Giants (+10) vs. Ravens
Picksgiving: Giants
Lions (+9.5) vs. Packers
Picksgiving: Lions
Seahawks (+7) vs. Vikings
Picksgiving: Vikes
Raiders (+7.5) vs. Falcons
Picksgiving: Falcons
Bears (+7.5) vs. Jaguars
Picksgiving: Bears
Saints (+7.5) vs. Cowboys
Picksgiving: Saints
Colts (-10.5) vs. Texans
Picksgiving: Colts
Jets (+6) vs. Steelers
Picksgiving: Jets
Dolphins (+11.5) vs. Broncos
Picksgiving: Broncos
Rams (+7) vs. Panthers
Picksgiving: Panthers
49ers (+7) vs. Cardinals
Picksgiving: 49ers
Bucs (+5) vs. Chargers
Picksgiving: Chargers
Eagles (-9) vs. Redskins
Picksgiving: Eagles
Chiefs (+2) vs. Titans
Picksgiving: Chiefs
¶ 3:42 PM 0 comments
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Week 13
Isn't 13 Kurt Warner's number?
Overall: 89-82-5, I'm the Drew Brees of picks.
Last week: 12-4, second double-digit win in a row. Fate tempted.
Best Bets: 12-9-1, still.
BB Last Week: didn't... shoulda.
Prologue: All this winning the last two weeks (23-8-1 record) is starting to scare me. Right as the steroid scandal breaks (well, if you consider confirmation of the CW 'breaking') my stats start to look all juiced. Well, if it's any consoloation, I can tell you that my testicles are still elephantine. No shrinkage whatsoever. Look elsewhere for your 'roidbot, commissioner. But I would like to continue peeing in a cup, please. There's just something appealing about filling 10 or 12 of those little lab test cups. Sometimes I save them and take them with me out into the country and line them up on a tree stump and blast away with the .410. Good times. But seriously, I'm not sure to do with my new-found football picking success. The distractions of the Thanksgiving holiday (yes, I'm talking about you, turkey jerky) kept me from wagering on any of the games. I'm a big fan of blowing opportunities for profit. But going through the trouble of creating -- God-like, I might add -- this picksheet and then failing to take my own advice is a damn fine illustration of the usefulness of this blog. Maybe blahg is more like it. But I wouldn't go so far as to say my winning of late is a fluke, because a fluke is a fish and my head is above water, swimming against the current, in the ebb and flow of the river of Life. That is just the first of many inspirational holiday messages brought to you by the fine people of BTK, who would like to remind you that dead, stinking fish make a great stocking-stuffer at this time of year. Something about the fish and Jesus and, uh, transubstantiation. That's BTK for you, always thinking something 'kooky.' Hold on, am I still talking about myself? But this is the season for others, like Ray Lewis and Quincy Carter and them Manning Bros. Let us very briefly think of them this time of year.
Texans (+7) vs. Jets:
Picksgiving: Jets
Bengals (+7) vs. Ravens:
Picksgiving: Ravens
Patriots (-10) vs. Browns: Holcomb has made 13 career starts in the NFL, and has suffered broken bones in four of them. In addition to the cracked ribs, he's suffered a broken wrist and two fractured fibulas. But he certainly is tough: He finished all four games.
Picksgiving: Pats
Cardinals (+6) vs. Lions:
Picksgiving: Lions
Titans (+11) vs. Colts:
Picksgiving: Colts
Vikings (-7) vs. Bears:
Picksgiving: Vikes
Bills (-3.5) vs. Dolphins:
Picksgiving: Bills
Falcons (+1.5) vs. Bucs: Favored by 10.5 over the Saints one week and 1.5 underdogs to the Bucs the next week. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Atlanta Falcons. Gamble away.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
49ers (+10.5) vs. Rams:
Picksgiving: Rams
Panthers (+1.5) vs. Saints
Picksgiving: Saints
Chiefs (PK) vs. Raiders:
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Broncos (+3) vs. Chargers: The Bolts rallied to beat the Chiefs at Arrowhead and the Broncos rallied to lose to the Raiders at Mile High. There ya go.
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Giants (+2) vs. Redskins:
Picksgiving: Redskins
Packers (+6) vs. Eagles:
Picksgiving: Packers
Steelers (-3) vs. Jaguars:
Picksgiving: Jaguars
Cowboys (+7) vs. Seahawks:
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Blah.
¶ 3:24 PM 0 comments
Isn't 13 Kurt Warner's number?
Overall: 89-82-5, I'm the Drew Brees of picks.
Last week: 12-4, second double-digit win in a row. Fate tempted.
Best Bets: 12-9-1, still.
BB Last Week: didn't... shoulda.
Prologue: All this winning the last two weeks (23-8-1 record) is starting to scare me. Right as the steroid scandal breaks (well, if you consider confirmation of the CW 'breaking') my stats start to look all juiced. Well, if it's any consoloation, I can tell you that my testicles are still elephantine. No shrinkage whatsoever. Look elsewhere for your 'roidbot, commissioner. But I would like to continue peeing in a cup, please. There's just something appealing about filling 10 or 12 of those little lab test cups. Sometimes I save them and take them with me out into the country and line them up on a tree stump and blast away with the .410. Good times. But seriously, I'm not sure to do with my new-found football picking success. The distractions of the Thanksgiving holiday (yes, I'm talking about you, turkey jerky) kept me from wagering on any of the games. I'm a big fan of blowing opportunities for profit. But going through the trouble of creating -- God-like, I might add -- this picksheet and then failing to take my own advice is a damn fine illustration of the usefulness of this blog. Maybe blahg is more like it. But I wouldn't go so far as to say my winning of late is a fluke, because a fluke is a fish and my head is above water, swimming against the current, in the ebb and flow of the river of Life. That is just the first of many inspirational holiday messages brought to you by the fine people of BTK, who would like to remind you that dead, stinking fish make a great stocking-stuffer at this time of year. Something about the fish and Jesus and, uh, transubstantiation. That's BTK for you, always thinking something 'kooky.' Hold on, am I still talking about myself? But this is the season for others, like Ray Lewis and Quincy Carter and them Manning Bros. Let us very briefly think of them this time of year.
Texans (+7) vs. Jets:
Picksgiving: Jets
Bengals (+7) vs. Ravens:
Picksgiving: Ravens
Patriots (-10) vs. Browns: Holcomb has made 13 career starts in the NFL, and has suffered broken bones in four of them. In addition to the cracked ribs, he's suffered a broken wrist and two fractured fibulas. But he certainly is tough: He finished all four games.
Picksgiving: Pats
Cardinals (+6) vs. Lions:
Picksgiving: Lions
Titans (+11) vs. Colts:
Picksgiving: Colts
Vikings (-7) vs. Bears:
Picksgiving: Vikes
Bills (-3.5) vs. Dolphins:
Picksgiving: Bills
Falcons (+1.5) vs. Bucs: Favored by 10.5 over the Saints one week and 1.5 underdogs to the Bucs the next week. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Atlanta Falcons. Gamble away.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
49ers (+10.5) vs. Rams:
Picksgiving: Rams
Panthers (+1.5) vs. Saints
Picksgiving: Saints
Chiefs (PK) vs. Raiders:
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Broncos (+3) vs. Chargers: The Bolts rallied to beat the Chiefs at Arrowhead and the Broncos rallied to lose to the Raiders at Mile High. There ya go.
Picksgiving: Chargers.
Giants (+2) vs. Redskins:
Picksgiving: Redskins
Packers (+6) vs. Eagles:
Picksgiving: Packers
Steelers (-3) vs. Jaguars:
Picksgiving: Jaguars
Cowboys (+7) vs. Seahawks:
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Blah.
¶ 3:24 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Week 12
Picksmissing.
Overall: 77-78-5, so very close.
Last Week: 11-4-1, a holiday from losing.
Best Bets: 12-9-1.
BB Last Week: 2-0.
Dodecalogue: Well... having seven people staying in my 400 sq. ft. 1 BR apartment kinda hindered my ability to put much (okay, any) effort into the BTK blog last week. For that, I apologize. While I wasn't able to find the time or space to get my picks in here, there were made for the BTK football pool. Any reader (here I laugh at that alien concept) doubtful that I made picks is welcome to contact me and be forwarded a time-stamped email containing my picks and the spreads upon which they were made, as well as plentiful documentation from friends, allies, former bosses, my exterminator, that guy that drinks double-deuces on my stoop every morning, my barber, my professional sycophant, and sundry other characters of stellar repute all testifying to my honesty, integrity, and inability to maintain this project for 17 straight weeks. Suffice to say that I won the BTK weekly football pool. Suffice to say that I ended up having my best week the one time I was incapable of chronicling those picks on this rant sheet. Is blogging a curse? Is BTK screwing with my picks? Dragging me down? Putting its virtual boot to my tangible neck? Pilfering my frogskins? No matter. Here were the picks I made, love 'em or leave 'em:
Lions (+9) -- L; I figured Colts couldn't cover on the short week. Ouch.
Cowboys (-3.5) -- W; it's the Bears, dude.
Pats (-7) -- W; Boller isn't that good.
Eagles (-7) -- W; Giants nosedive initiated.
Steelers (-10.5) -- L; they couldn't cover against a team that hasn't scored more than 18 points.
Browns (+6) -- L; I was (and am) unwilling to give the Bengals 6 points.
Vikes (-5.5) -- W; Jags' last-minute mojo all used up.
Panthers (+3) -- W; the cats are bad, but not Bucs bad.
Chargers (+3) -- W; 7-3 gets three points against 3-7? too easy.
Texans (+2) -- W; have you seen the Titans play?
Saints (+9.5) -- W; love my birds, but it's foolish to think their offense can cover this number.
Jets (-3) -- W; -3 vs. the Cards and they still barely pulled it out.
Seahawks (-4.5) -- L; the 'hawks are this years Vikes.
Fins (+1) -- W; since when are the 9ers favorites?
Raiders (+10.5) -- W; see the Falcons.
Pack (-6) -- W; the Packers are rolling.
Do the math and that's 12-4. I'll get a'bloggin' again later this week. Uh, maybe...
¶ 11:39 AM 0 comments
Picksmissing.
Overall: 77-78-5, so very close.
Last Week: 11-4-1, a holiday from losing.
Best Bets: 12-9-1.
BB Last Week: 2-0.
Dodecalogue: Well... having seven people staying in my 400 sq. ft. 1 BR apartment kinda hindered my ability to put much (okay, any) effort into the BTK blog last week. For that, I apologize. While I wasn't able to find the time or space to get my picks in here, there were made for the BTK football pool. Any reader (here I laugh at that alien concept) doubtful that I made picks is welcome to contact me and be forwarded a time-stamped email containing my picks and the spreads upon which they were made, as well as plentiful documentation from friends, allies, former bosses, my exterminator, that guy that drinks double-deuces on my stoop every morning, my barber, my professional sycophant, and sundry other characters of stellar repute all testifying to my honesty, integrity, and inability to maintain this project for 17 straight weeks. Suffice to say that I won the BTK weekly football pool. Suffice to say that I ended up having my best week the one time I was incapable of chronicling those picks on this rant sheet. Is blogging a curse? Is BTK screwing with my picks? Dragging me down? Putting its virtual boot to my tangible neck? Pilfering my frogskins? No matter. Here were the picks I made, love 'em or leave 'em:
Lions (+9) -- L; I figured Colts couldn't cover on the short week. Ouch.
Cowboys (-3.5) -- W; it's the Bears, dude.
Pats (-7) -- W; Boller isn't that good.
Eagles (-7) -- W; Giants nosedive initiated.
Steelers (-10.5) -- L; they couldn't cover against a team that hasn't scored more than 18 points.
Browns (+6) -- L; I was (and am) unwilling to give the Bengals 6 points.
Vikes (-5.5) -- W; Jags' last-minute mojo all used up.
Panthers (+3) -- W; the cats are bad, but not Bucs bad.
Chargers (+3) -- W; 7-3 gets three points against 3-7? too easy.
Texans (+2) -- W; have you seen the Titans play?
Saints (+9.5) -- W; love my birds, but it's foolish to think their offense can cover this number.
Jets (-3) -- W; -3 vs. the Cards and they still barely pulled it out.
Seahawks (-4.5) -- L; the 'hawks are this years Vikes.
Fins (+1) -- W; since when are the 9ers favorites?
Raiders (+10.5) -- W; see the Falcons.
Pack (-6) -- W; the Packers are rolling.
Do the math and that's 12-4. I'll get a'bloggin' again later this week. Uh, maybe...
¶ 11:39 AM 0 comments
Friday, November 19, 2004
Week 11
bye bye byes
Overall: 66-74-4, it isn’t getting any better.
Last Week: 6-8, sigh.
Best Bets: 10-9-1, the infinitesimal moneymaker.
BB Last Week: 2-0, boom.
Prologue: Home is where the dog is.
Epilogue: Home is where the dog isn’t.
Rams (-1.5) vs. Bills: Some of us picked the Bills as a bit of an upset last week. A depleted Pats team comes into town; Bills coming off a big win; Bills defense playing well. What precisely is the sound of shit hitting a fan? Because I’m pretty sure I heard it some time Sunday night. Bledsoe had another killer game, completing all of 8 passes. Supposedly rookie J.P. Losman came in to replace Drew LoseMan late in the game, but I’ll be damned if I was watching at that point. Losman managed one completion, one sack, one fumble and one interception. Clearly he has been learning a lot from Drew in practice. Maybe they should quarantine J.P. from the rest of the QB crew. Anyhoo, I think Buffalo secured their absence from any prime time appearances next year. Bills coach Mike Mularkey lived up to his moniker in saying, "There’s still seven games left. We’re not out of it." I assume he wasn’t referring to the playoffs... The Rams gave up a monster game to J. Brown last week. Who, you ask? Yes, the kicker. The vaunted Seahawks offense couldn’t get into the endzone. On the Rams. On the league’s 29th ranked total defense. Ouch. The Rams are one of the innumerable teams at 5-4 in the NFC and are somehow atop the sorry NFC West with that record. I guess people will hem and haw over the Rams having to be off the carpet and in the chill of Buffalo. Sure, yap about the Rams on grass, but these days the Bills are playing like they’re underground.
Picksgiving: Rams
Cowboys (+8) vs. Ravens: In a stunning turn of events yesterday, the Cowboys players released a statement calling Bill Parcells a "fat, aging, asshole stupidhead, who is a big dumb idiot, and who nobody likes and has no life." Okay, they didn’t, but they should. Either that, or when they when a game, they should say that they won despite the coaching. Parcells is the kind of jerk who loves to bask in the glory of his genius and pass the buck on his failure. Hell, maybe he should run for president. Tuna, you call your players ‘stupid,’ but aren’t these the same people you brought here? Wasn’t it your decision to get the oldest possible player at every position? You built this team, so why did you center it on old, sloppy, ‘dumb’ players? Maybe they wouldn’t make so many mistakes if they were better coached. All we can hope for is that the Cowboys lose the rest of their games and Parcells quits in a hissyfit of whining. Then we’ll never see him in the NFL again. And I for one consider that a good thing… Living in the Mordor of the NY-television market, I got to see the Jets-Ravens last week. I’ll save my Jets comments for their game, but what I can say is that Kyle Boller did play surprisingly well. His game-tying touchdown pass was awesome, and he consistently moved the team when they needed it. It would be nice if he could do that more often, but whatever. He deserves the compliments and should continue the good play this week. The ‘boys are reeling. Eight seems like a lot, but the Ravens should roll.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Jets (-1) vs. Browns: Herm Edwards would be late for his own funeral. His funeral came with 55 seconds left in the game, with the Jets at the Ravens 4-yardline and with two timeouts. They kicked an overtime-forcing fieldgoal with 8 seconds left. Scholars have combed the history books, but it appears that the intervening 47 seconds have been lost, if in fact they ever existed. Black hole? Worm hole? Herm hole?… [silence]… Sorry, I need to take a minute here to clear my head of the phrase ‘Herm hole’… Anyhoo, historians have speculated that there was a useless run up the middle during those lost seconds. Pundits have speculated on the coach’s decision not to heave one quick throw into the endzone with those 8 seconds. But they assume Herm was playing for the loss, thus giving him the opportunity to act insane at the next press conference. You can blame coaching for game plans and play calls and the like, but many times those things fail through poor execution, player mistakes, and what have you. There’s frequently a gray area around failure associated with the more conceptual aspects of gameplay. But Herm’s egregious clock mismanagement was one of those few moments every season where you can visibly see a coach lose a game. And so now the Jets are on the skids, and since they’re going to have to rack up the wins for a wild-card spot, they simply have to win. Unfortunately, number of wins to the Q factor equals, uh, a negative integer. But football needs more integers, and while the Browns have been stingy at home, that doesn’t mean they can win a game. They got more notoriety for last week’s pre-game fight than for anything they did on the field. They should be home dogs by a lot more.
Picksgiving: Jets
Steelers (-4) vs. Bengals: All the sudden it’s the Steelers that have the ‘plug-in-a-back’ rushing game. I wouldn’t suggest tying a rope to the back of The Bus, because he’ll probably get injured, but 252 yards on 62 attempts the last two games is darn impressive, considering that in the first 7 games, he had 252 yards on 252 rushing attempts with 275 touchdowns. The Steelers are now 8-1 (the Steelers!) and have just about run away with the AFC North. This division was a stinkfest last year, with the Bengals’ 8-8 record threatening to take the cake. The striped cats have allowed only 13 points in their last two games, but the Steelers have scored 52 in their last two and that’s against the Eagles and Browns, respectable defenses both. The Steelers won the first meeting by 11. That’s about all we need to know.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Colts (-7.5) vs. Bears: What if this were Colt 45 vs. the Labatt’s Bear (Colt 45 being represented, for the sake of smoothness, by Billy Dee Williams). Let’s look at the stats:
Labatt Bear: Likes Honey
Billy Dee: Likes the honies
Billy Dee: best known for heavy petting
Labatt Bear: best know for heavy mauling
Labatt Bear: played by man in bear suit
Billy Dee: played by Billy Dee Williams
Labatt Bear: shiny, full coat of hair
Billy Dee: shiny, slick full head of jehri curl
Labatt Bear: poorly executed advertising concept
Billy Dee: poorly executed entertainment concept
Billy Dee: studied with Sidney Poitier
Labatt Bear: studied with Smokey
Billy Dee: Lando Calrissian
Labatt Bear: Chewbacca
Labatt Bear:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/08/18/bear.beer.reut/index.html
Billy Dee Williams:
(scroll down)
http://endabuse.org/celebritywatch/index.php?Fame=N
Billy Dee: starred in the football movie ‘Brian’s Song"
Labatt’s Bear: shared a Vegas toilet stall with Chicago Bear Brian Urlacher
Labatt bear: ladies!
http://www.97rock.com/jills/html/labatt_bear_3.html
Billy Dee: ladies!
http://www.thx1138.jp/goingtowar/tk1022.013.jpg
Wait a minute!
Labatt bear: scandal
http://www.marininstitute.org/alcohol_industry/ad_alerts/tecate.htm
Billy Dee: scandal
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0765345072/qid=1100813487/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/104-9988505-6131903?v=glance&s=books
Picksgiving: Colts
Lions (+7.5) vs. Vikes: Lions and Vikings and Bears, oh please have a bye! Amazingly, if the Lions win this game, they will be tied with the Vikings. So much for Culpepper’s monster season. It isn’t like Joey Harrington is taking a shot at the record books or anything. I’m a little tired of hearing how the Vikes three straight losses are all because of the absence of Randy Moss. Hell, Culpepper’s numbers haven’t fallen off that much. The more glaring aspect of their 5-1 start and three straight losses is that the Vikes beat crappy teams (Cowboys, Bears, Texans, Titans) and lose to good teams (Eagles, Colts, Pack). With only three winning teams in their last seven games, once again the Vikes playoff destiny will be in their hands. Meaning, don’t expect to see them there. The Lions have also slowed after a decent start and are looking to end a three-game slide. Last week it took two punt-return TDs in the 4th quarter to force Jax into OT. Previous to that, there were two punt-return TDs all year. These are the kind of stats that you pay me for.
Picksgiving: Lions
Cards (+2.5) vs. Panthers: Two words: Rodney Peete.
Picksgiving: Cards
Titans (+3) vs. Jaguars: It’s Billy Volek vs. David Garrard. What is this, local school board elections? It just goes to show the enduring anonymity of back-up QBs who aren’t named Manning. Remember the Titans? They used to be good last year. Hell, they even had a MVP. Early this season they looked to remain strong with Chris Brown posting some big number. Remember the Chris Brown? Haven’t heard much from him lately, have we. Maybe he’s convalescing with McNair somewhere. Sure, the Jags needed OT to beat the Lions and keep proving themselves utterly incapable of winning a game before the last seconds, but the failing Titans are easy bait.
Picksgiving: Jags
49ers (+8.5) vs. Bucs: I’ll be napping. Wake me up when it’s over.
Picksgiving: Bucs.
Broncos (-4) vs. Saints: The Saints defense is last against the pass, last against the run and last overall. Impressive numbers. Surprisingly, they’re not last in the league; but every week is a struggle for them to run the table and be plain last in every single statistical category. And since the Saints won last week, it’s safe to assume they’ll lose this week. That’s just how they roll, yo.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Seahawks (-10) vs. Dolphins: Water-bird and water-mammal battle it out for control of the scummy puddle of desperation. Why would you ever give 10 points to the Seahawks?
Picksgiving: Dolphins.
Chargers (-4) vs. Raiders: SoCal vs. NoCal, dude. Jesus, I knew Brees was up in the top of the QB ratings, but I didn’t know he has 18 TDs and only 3 INTs. That’s just ridiculous. Also, L.T. hasn’t rushed for more than 71 yards since Week 4. And the Chargers are 2nd in the league in points/game. And the Bolts just keep on winning! I’m sold.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Falcons (-3) vs. Giants: I will be attending this game, therefore insulting it would be insulting my stupid fucking self.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Redskins (+10.5) vs. Eagles: Man, there wouldn’t be all this hubbub if it had been Joe Gibbs dropping the towel and jumping into T.O.’s arms.
Picksgiving: Eagles.
Packers (-3) vs. Texans: The Texans got demolished by the Colts last week and have suffered two straight blowouts. The Packers, on the other hand, are trying to feign that Superbowl glow once again. Really Packers, it is the fluorescent lighting that makes your makeup so attractive. In the harsh light of day, everyone can tell you lost to the Titans, Bears, and Giants. And soon enough, the Texans.
Picksgiving: Texans (I’ve got to take a couple home dogs).
Patriots (-3) vs. Chiefs: This is a classic trap game for the Pats. Arrowhead will be a’rocking when the Pats come a’knocking. Really, I have no insight as to why this will be an upset. Not that I have much insight into anything these days. You can’t have a losing record for four straight weeks and claim a lot of knowledge of the game. Or the spreads. Or the picks. Or how to make guacamole. Yes the Pats are good and the streak is over and all that, but they just can’t be 9-1. It’ll be too much. Boston has had its fun. They got the Sox and all that. Sure, the Kerry thing hurt maybe, but they don’t like him much there anyway. So I think all the Bostonians should just get back to doing whatever the hell they do and let me get a damn upset pick. I’ve never even been to stupid Boston. I am, however, planning my next romantic getaway to Kansas City. KC is for lovers and all that. Of course I’m single, but whatever. What the hell am I talking about here? Anyway, hopefully the Pats’ injuries on defense will allow the Chiefs to score at will, which is about the only way they’ll stay in the game since their defense is, as they say, ‘porous.’ Really, I’m just being a big, lovable contrarian here. There are just too many consensus picks of the Pats. It’s everybody’s best bet. I’d love to get more points, and I’m sure the line will be up to 4 by Sunday, but whatever. Sometime you have to live on the edge before you fall off the cliff.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Best Bet (2 per week): Falcons, Chargers.
Choose your own Errata:
Jets atrocious clock mismanagement.
Giants QB controversy, uh, over.
Viagra is forced to pull its ‘Wild Thing’ advertisement for promising to restore sex drive. Or in FDA-ese "The TV ads claim that Viagra will provide a return to a previous level of sexual desire and activity. The FDA is not aware of substantial evidence or substantial clinical experience demonstrating this benefit for patients who take Viagra." Yes, I said Viagra is forced to pull its wild thing.
Rupert Murdoch tried to buy rights for every NFL game beginning in 2006. He also wanted the league renamed to the NFOXL.
This Sunday, T.O. and McNabb will be bringing marionettes to the game and performing a little puppet theater piece on the sideline, amusing only themselves.
The Bears scored only the second overtime safety in the history of the league.
"If every pass an NFL quarterback throws simply clangs to the ground incomplete, the passer rating is 40. Drew Bledsoe finished the New England game with a 14.3 passer rating."
I found this little bit of gossip on the web. And I swear I did not make this up: "[Panthers Punter] Todd Sauerbrun has had a long-running public feud with the Gramatica brothers…’
"I need all fans to bring a dollar to the gate. Don't forget. There will be a bucket. Bring a dollar to the gate this week. Next week, I need everybody to bring a bottle of Pepto."
-- Chad Johnson
This blog bores me.
Hey, thanks for reading, though!
¶ 5:39 PM 0 comments
bye bye byes
Overall: 66-74-4, it isn’t getting any better.
Last Week: 6-8, sigh.
Best Bets: 10-9-1, the infinitesimal moneymaker.
BB Last Week: 2-0, boom.
Prologue: Home is where the dog is.
Epilogue: Home is where the dog isn’t.
Rams (-1.5) vs. Bills: Some of us picked the Bills as a bit of an upset last week. A depleted Pats team comes into town; Bills coming off a big win; Bills defense playing well. What precisely is the sound of shit hitting a fan? Because I’m pretty sure I heard it some time Sunday night. Bledsoe had another killer game, completing all of 8 passes. Supposedly rookie J.P. Losman came in to replace Drew LoseMan late in the game, but I’ll be damned if I was watching at that point. Losman managed one completion, one sack, one fumble and one interception. Clearly he has been learning a lot from Drew in practice. Maybe they should quarantine J.P. from the rest of the QB crew. Anyhoo, I think Buffalo secured their absence from any prime time appearances next year. Bills coach Mike Mularkey lived up to his moniker in saying, "There’s still seven games left. We’re not out of it." I assume he wasn’t referring to the playoffs... The Rams gave up a monster game to J. Brown last week. Who, you ask? Yes, the kicker. The vaunted Seahawks offense couldn’t get into the endzone. On the Rams. On the league’s 29th ranked total defense. Ouch. The Rams are one of the innumerable teams at 5-4 in the NFC and are somehow atop the sorry NFC West with that record. I guess people will hem and haw over the Rams having to be off the carpet and in the chill of Buffalo. Sure, yap about the Rams on grass, but these days the Bills are playing like they’re underground.
Picksgiving: Rams
Cowboys (+8) vs. Ravens: In a stunning turn of events yesterday, the Cowboys players released a statement calling Bill Parcells a "fat, aging, asshole stupidhead, who is a big dumb idiot, and who nobody likes and has no life." Okay, they didn’t, but they should. Either that, or when they when a game, they should say that they won despite the coaching. Parcells is the kind of jerk who loves to bask in the glory of his genius and pass the buck on his failure. Hell, maybe he should run for president. Tuna, you call your players ‘stupid,’ but aren’t these the same people you brought here? Wasn’t it your decision to get the oldest possible player at every position? You built this team, so why did you center it on old, sloppy, ‘dumb’ players? Maybe they wouldn’t make so many mistakes if they were better coached. All we can hope for is that the Cowboys lose the rest of their games and Parcells quits in a hissyfit of whining. Then we’ll never see him in the NFL again. And I for one consider that a good thing… Living in the Mordor of the NY-television market, I got to see the Jets-Ravens last week. I’ll save my Jets comments for their game, but what I can say is that Kyle Boller did play surprisingly well. His game-tying touchdown pass was awesome, and he consistently moved the team when they needed it. It would be nice if he could do that more often, but whatever. He deserves the compliments and should continue the good play this week. The ‘boys are reeling. Eight seems like a lot, but the Ravens should roll.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Jets (-1) vs. Browns: Herm Edwards would be late for his own funeral. His funeral came with 55 seconds left in the game, with the Jets at the Ravens 4-yardline and with two timeouts. They kicked an overtime-forcing fieldgoal with 8 seconds left. Scholars have combed the history books, but it appears that the intervening 47 seconds have been lost, if in fact they ever existed. Black hole? Worm hole? Herm hole?… [silence]… Sorry, I need to take a minute here to clear my head of the phrase ‘Herm hole’… Anyhoo, historians have speculated that there was a useless run up the middle during those lost seconds. Pundits have speculated on the coach’s decision not to heave one quick throw into the endzone with those 8 seconds. But they assume Herm was playing for the loss, thus giving him the opportunity to act insane at the next press conference. You can blame coaching for game plans and play calls and the like, but many times those things fail through poor execution, player mistakes, and what have you. There’s frequently a gray area around failure associated with the more conceptual aspects of gameplay. But Herm’s egregious clock mismanagement was one of those few moments every season where you can visibly see a coach lose a game. And so now the Jets are on the skids, and since they’re going to have to rack up the wins for a wild-card spot, they simply have to win. Unfortunately, number of wins to the Q factor equals, uh, a negative integer. But football needs more integers, and while the Browns have been stingy at home, that doesn’t mean they can win a game. They got more notoriety for last week’s pre-game fight than for anything they did on the field. They should be home dogs by a lot more.
Picksgiving: Jets
Steelers (-4) vs. Bengals: All the sudden it’s the Steelers that have the ‘plug-in-a-back’ rushing game. I wouldn’t suggest tying a rope to the back of The Bus, because he’ll probably get injured, but 252 yards on 62 attempts the last two games is darn impressive, considering that in the first 7 games, he had 252 yards on 252 rushing attempts with 275 touchdowns. The Steelers are now 8-1 (the Steelers!) and have just about run away with the AFC North. This division was a stinkfest last year, with the Bengals’ 8-8 record threatening to take the cake. The striped cats have allowed only 13 points in their last two games, but the Steelers have scored 52 in their last two and that’s against the Eagles and Browns, respectable defenses both. The Steelers won the first meeting by 11. That’s about all we need to know.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Colts (-7.5) vs. Bears: What if this were Colt 45 vs. the Labatt’s Bear (Colt 45 being represented, for the sake of smoothness, by Billy Dee Williams). Let’s look at the stats:
Labatt Bear: Likes Honey
Billy Dee: Likes the honies
Billy Dee: best known for heavy petting
Labatt Bear: best know for heavy mauling
Labatt Bear: played by man in bear suit
Billy Dee: played by Billy Dee Williams
Labatt Bear: shiny, full coat of hair
Billy Dee: shiny, slick full head of jehri curl
Labatt Bear: poorly executed advertising concept
Billy Dee: poorly executed entertainment concept
Billy Dee: studied with Sidney Poitier
Labatt Bear: studied with Smokey
Billy Dee: Lando Calrissian
Labatt Bear: Chewbacca
Labatt Bear:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/08/18/bear.beer.reut/index.html
Billy Dee Williams:
(scroll down)
http://endabuse.org/celebritywatch/index.php?Fame=N
Billy Dee: starred in the football movie ‘Brian’s Song"
Labatt’s Bear: shared a Vegas toilet stall with Chicago Bear Brian Urlacher
Labatt bear: ladies!
http://www.97rock.com/jills/html/labatt_bear_3.html
Billy Dee: ladies!
http://www.thx1138.jp/goingtowar/tk1022.013.jpg
Wait a minute!
Labatt bear: scandal
http://www.marininstitute.org/alcohol_industry/ad_alerts/tecate.htm
Billy Dee: scandal
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0765345072/qid=1100813487/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/104-9988505-6131903?v=glance&s=books
Picksgiving: Colts
Lions (+7.5) vs. Vikes: Lions and Vikings and Bears, oh please have a bye! Amazingly, if the Lions win this game, they will be tied with the Vikings. So much for Culpepper’s monster season. It isn’t like Joey Harrington is taking a shot at the record books or anything. I’m a little tired of hearing how the Vikes three straight losses are all because of the absence of Randy Moss. Hell, Culpepper’s numbers haven’t fallen off that much. The more glaring aspect of their 5-1 start and three straight losses is that the Vikes beat crappy teams (Cowboys, Bears, Texans, Titans) and lose to good teams (Eagles, Colts, Pack). With only three winning teams in their last seven games, once again the Vikes playoff destiny will be in their hands. Meaning, don’t expect to see them there. The Lions have also slowed after a decent start and are looking to end a three-game slide. Last week it took two punt-return TDs in the 4th quarter to force Jax into OT. Previous to that, there were two punt-return TDs all year. These are the kind of stats that you pay me for.
Picksgiving: Lions
Cards (+2.5) vs. Panthers: Two words: Rodney Peete.
Picksgiving: Cards
Titans (+3) vs. Jaguars: It’s Billy Volek vs. David Garrard. What is this, local school board elections? It just goes to show the enduring anonymity of back-up QBs who aren’t named Manning. Remember the Titans? They used to be good last year. Hell, they even had a MVP. Early this season they looked to remain strong with Chris Brown posting some big number. Remember the Chris Brown? Haven’t heard much from him lately, have we. Maybe he’s convalescing with McNair somewhere. Sure, the Jags needed OT to beat the Lions and keep proving themselves utterly incapable of winning a game before the last seconds, but the failing Titans are easy bait.
Picksgiving: Jags
49ers (+8.5) vs. Bucs: I’ll be napping. Wake me up when it’s over.
Picksgiving: Bucs.
Broncos (-4) vs. Saints: The Saints defense is last against the pass, last against the run and last overall. Impressive numbers. Surprisingly, they’re not last in the league; but every week is a struggle for them to run the table and be plain last in every single statistical category. And since the Saints won last week, it’s safe to assume they’ll lose this week. That’s just how they roll, yo.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Seahawks (-10) vs. Dolphins: Water-bird and water-mammal battle it out for control of the scummy puddle of desperation. Why would you ever give 10 points to the Seahawks?
Picksgiving: Dolphins.
Chargers (-4) vs. Raiders: SoCal vs. NoCal, dude. Jesus, I knew Brees was up in the top of the QB ratings, but I didn’t know he has 18 TDs and only 3 INTs. That’s just ridiculous. Also, L.T. hasn’t rushed for more than 71 yards since Week 4. And the Chargers are 2nd in the league in points/game. And the Bolts just keep on winning! I’m sold.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Falcons (-3) vs. Giants: I will be attending this game, therefore insulting it would be insulting my stupid fucking self.
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Redskins (+10.5) vs. Eagles: Man, there wouldn’t be all this hubbub if it had been Joe Gibbs dropping the towel and jumping into T.O.’s arms.
Picksgiving: Eagles.
Packers (-3) vs. Texans: The Texans got demolished by the Colts last week and have suffered two straight blowouts. The Packers, on the other hand, are trying to feign that Superbowl glow once again. Really Packers, it is the fluorescent lighting that makes your makeup so attractive. In the harsh light of day, everyone can tell you lost to the Titans, Bears, and Giants. And soon enough, the Texans.
Picksgiving: Texans (I’ve got to take a couple home dogs).
Patriots (-3) vs. Chiefs: This is a classic trap game for the Pats. Arrowhead will be a’rocking when the Pats come a’knocking. Really, I have no insight as to why this will be an upset. Not that I have much insight into anything these days. You can’t have a losing record for four straight weeks and claim a lot of knowledge of the game. Or the spreads. Or the picks. Or how to make guacamole. Yes the Pats are good and the streak is over and all that, but they just can’t be 9-1. It’ll be too much. Boston has had its fun. They got the Sox and all that. Sure, the Kerry thing hurt maybe, but they don’t like him much there anyway. So I think all the Bostonians should just get back to doing whatever the hell they do and let me get a damn upset pick. I’ve never even been to stupid Boston. I am, however, planning my next romantic getaway to Kansas City. KC is for lovers and all that. Of course I’m single, but whatever. What the hell am I talking about here? Anyway, hopefully the Pats’ injuries on defense will allow the Chiefs to score at will, which is about the only way they’ll stay in the game since their defense is, as they say, ‘porous.’ Really, I’m just being a big, lovable contrarian here. There are just too many consensus picks of the Pats. It’s everybody’s best bet. I’d love to get more points, and I’m sure the line will be up to 4 by Sunday, but whatever. Sometime you have to live on the edge before you fall off the cliff.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Best Bet (2 per week): Falcons, Chargers.
Choose your own Errata:
Jets atrocious clock mismanagement.
Giants QB controversy, uh, over.
Viagra is forced to pull its ‘Wild Thing’ advertisement for promising to restore sex drive. Or in FDA-ese "The TV ads claim that Viagra will provide a return to a previous level of sexual desire and activity. The FDA is not aware of substantial evidence or substantial clinical experience demonstrating this benefit for patients who take Viagra." Yes, I said Viagra is forced to pull its wild thing.
Rupert Murdoch tried to buy rights for every NFL game beginning in 2006. He also wanted the league renamed to the NFOXL.
This Sunday, T.O. and McNabb will be bringing marionettes to the game and performing a little puppet theater piece on the sideline, amusing only themselves.
The Bears scored only the second overtime safety in the history of the league.
"If every pass an NFL quarterback throws simply clangs to the ground incomplete, the passer rating is 40. Drew Bledsoe finished the New England game with a 14.3 passer rating."
I found this little bit of gossip on the web. And I swear I did not make this up: "[Panthers Punter] Todd Sauerbrun has had a long-running public feud with the Gramatica brothers…’
"I need all fans to bring a dollar to the gate. Don't forget. There will be a bucket. Bring a dollar to the gate this week. Next week, I need everybody to bring a bottle of Pepto."
-- Chad Johnson
This blog bores me.
Hey, thanks for reading, though!
¶ 5:39 PM 0 comments
Friday, November 12, 2004
Week 10
Are the playoffs here yet?
Overall: 60-66-4, is that three sixes I see? That explains the devil picks.
Last Week: 7-7, even steven, whoever the hell that is.
Best Bets: 8-9-1, I have a different definition of ‘best.’
BB Last Week: 1-1, back to the ol’ standard.
Prologue: Stupid work. It’s difficult to get this dumb blog done when you have crap to do during the day (and when you go see Slayer at night). Thus we bring you the truncated ‘All QB’ not-very-special edition. Because, you know, they don’t get enough press already. The following is a Block That Kick Production presented commercial-free by Blogger, JPMorganChase, and Budweiser.
Ravens (-1) vs. Jets: Kyle Boller dressed up as a quarterback for Halloween. The children of Baltimore were terrified. Kyle handed out interceptions as candy. For what it’s worth, Kyle passed the 1,000-yard mark last week, which is good for a running back. So it looks like Week 10 brings us the much-anticipated Kyle Boller-Quincy Carter showdown. The dreaded ‘Q factor’ makes his first start of the season. This one will all come down to which QB makes more mistakes. And I’ve seen enough of the Q to know which one that will be.
Picksgiving: Ravens.
Steelers (-4) vs. Browns: Rookielisberger. Rothlikehamburger. Rothispittsburgher. Pennsylvanialisberger. Jeffcia. Garclevelandia. Clevecia. Garbrown.
Picksgiving: Browns.
Texans (+9) vs. Colts: Christian male model vs. Redneck doofus superstar. What is this, a pitch for a reality show?
Picksgiving: Texans.
Bears (+5) vs. Titans: Don’t attempt to adjust your television set, but it’s Craig Krenzel vs. Billy Volek. And I thought that NFL Europe was our development league. We’re supposed to be impressed by the fact that Krenzel majored in ‘molecular genetics,’ which, to me, just sound like a fancy way of saying ‘communications.’ We’re not supposed to be impressed by anything about Billy Volek.
Picksgiving: Bears.
Bucs (+3.5) vs. Falcons: It’ll be a while before we see the Brian Griese Experience commercials, but I imagine it’ll involve disappointment. Long lines, broken parts, and vomit in the seat your supposed to sit in. Two weeks ago, Vick became the first QB ever to rush for 100+ and pass for 150+ in one game. Yes, Mike Vick is now the leading rusher for the Falcons. Man, if only T.J. Duckett could throw the ball!
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Lions (+3) vs. Jaguars: David Garrard? Christ, am I starting at QB for someone this week?
Picksgiving: Lions.
Seahawks (PK) vs. Rams: [Here’s a brief review of BTK’s incisive analysis in making football picks:
Week 1: "Do I really have to pick one? Yes. Do I really have to talk about it? No."
Week 2: "Well I don’t have much to say about them."
Week 3: "Are you there God? It’s me, indifference."
Week 4: "I’m just going to stare at the wall and drool for a while…"
Week 5: "…am I supposed to be talking about a game here?"
Week 6: "Oh fuck it, I give up."
Week 7: "This is a good game… for me to poop on!"
Week 8: [silence]
Week 9: "I don’t know, whoever gets points…"]
Worry not, I’m seeking treatment for my ellipsis addiction.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Chiefs (-4) vs. Saints: Last week, Aaron Brooks threw a pass backwards. To an offensive lineman. ‘Nuff said.
Picksgiving: Chiefs.
Bengals (+3.5) vs. Redskins: This whole QB concept is just a sorry excuse to avoid having to write about Chad Johnson
Picksgiving: Bengals.
Vikings (+4) vs. Packers: Culpepper vs. Favre. Finally, a real game. I managed to catch ‘Inside the NFL’ this week and was treated to yet another story on Favre. It’s reached the meta level, folks. Stories about stories about stories about Favre. This time, get out your hankies because here comes Peter King to do some baby-boomer emoting with Favre. If only Favre spent as much time practicing as he does on press events, maybe the Pack wouldn’t keep losing at home. I was flagged (in my own home!) for excessive celebration last week watching Culpepper get shown up on national television.
Picksgiving: Packers.
Cardinals (+2) vs. Giants: Enter the QB controversy. I don’t have much of an opinion of Warner (except for that general distrust of religious wackos that all us blue-staters supposedly have), but you have to sympathize with his treatment. One bad game and everyone is audibling to the Manning. Yes, it was a horrendous game, but most of the blame goes to the offensive line. And the stupid penalties. And the poor receiving corp. And so on. You didn’t hear much complaining when they were winning. Sure, everyone wants to come to the Big Apple for all the endorsement deals and marketing money selling patties or used cars or laser eye surgery or whatever, but they don’t seem to realize that NY sports fans have all the loyalty of a stray animal. We can expect the Eli hype to die down once he gets in there and sports some Carson Palmer style numbers. Giants fans, be careful what you wish for.
Picksgiving: Cards.
Panthers (PK) vs. 49ers: This Injury Bowl will be played in the local hospital. Instead of the 'physically unable to play' list, these teams have the 'athletically unable to play' list. Is Tim Rattay healthy? Is Jake Del Homey still alive? Is anyone on the Carolina Panthers conscious? As we always say here at BTK, parity is unfairity when it leads to games like this. Pick ‘em? No thanks. Picking cattle noses would be more appealing than picking a winner of this game.
Cattlenosegiving: 49ers.
Bills (+7.5) vs. Patriots: Will Bledsoe exact revenge on the George Bush supporter who supplanted him in Beantown? Or will God’s Grace to Magazine Covers show up the old man? I sniff the upset. Bledsoe might not be his former self, but you can’t start Troy Brown at CB every week.
Picksgiving: Bills.
Eagles (-6) vs. Cowboys: McNabb’s mobility will be matched by Testeverde’s stationaryity. The old man routine is getting pretty old in Dallas. Tuna claims that he’s never coached a team that has responded as little as this one. Well, coach, maybe they just weren’t wearing their hearing aides.
Picksgiving: Eagles.
bye: Broncos, Chargers, Dolphins, Raiders
Best Bets (2 per week): Bears, Eagles
Dear professional football teams,
Please keep me from being a Week 10 Fallusa.
regards,
BTK
Errata:
Man, look at all the underdogs I picked this week. Seven (eight if the PK moves to the Rams, as it looks to be doing). In honor of all these dogs, here are some links to pictures of dogs in football jerseys:
http://www.kateconnick.com/postcards/chieffootball.jpg
http://www.ticketsconcertssports.com/tyson-football.jpg
http://www.costumesinc.com/p4433/Football_Hero_Pet_Costume.html?&User_ID=5875853&st=3019&st2=-36875293&st3=92835908
http://www.powerdog.jp/football.jpg
BTK: sorely in need of an editor. Oh, and a proofreader. Uh, and a writer.
¶ 4:24 PM 1 comments
Are the playoffs here yet?
Overall: 60-66-4, is that three sixes I see? That explains the devil picks.
Last Week: 7-7, even steven, whoever the hell that is.
Best Bets: 8-9-1, I have a different definition of ‘best.’
BB Last Week: 1-1, back to the ol’ standard.
Prologue: Stupid work. It’s difficult to get this dumb blog done when you have crap to do during the day (and when you go see Slayer at night). Thus we bring you the truncated ‘All QB’ not-very-special edition. Because, you know, they don’t get enough press already. The following is a Block That Kick Production presented commercial-free by Blogger, JPMorganChase, and Budweiser.
Ravens (-1) vs. Jets: Kyle Boller dressed up as a quarterback for Halloween. The children of Baltimore were terrified. Kyle handed out interceptions as candy. For what it’s worth, Kyle passed the 1,000-yard mark last week, which is good for a running back. So it looks like Week 10 brings us the much-anticipated Kyle Boller-Quincy Carter showdown. The dreaded ‘Q factor’ makes his first start of the season. This one will all come down to which QB makes more mistakes. And I’ve seen enough of the Q to know which one that will be.
Picksgiving: Ravens.
Steelers (-4) vs. Browns: Rookielisberger. Rothlikehamburger. Rothispittsburgher. Pennsylvanialisberger. Jeffcia. Garclevelandia. Clevecia. Garbrown.
Picksgiving: Browns.
Texans (+9) vs. Colts: Christian male model vs. Redneck doofus superstar. What is this, a pitch for a reality show?
Picksgiving: Texans.
Bears (+5) vs. Titans: Don’t attempt to adjust your television set, but it’s Craig Krenzel vs. Billy Volek. And I thought that NFL Europe was our development league. We’re supposed to be impressed by the fact that Krenzel majored in ‘molecular genetics,’ which, to me, just sound like a fancy way of saying ‘communications.’ We’re not supposed to be impressed by anything about Billy Volek.
Picksgiving: Bears.
Bucs (+3.5) vs. Falcons: It’ll be a while before we see the Brian Griese Experience commercials, but I imagine it’ll involve disappointment. Long lines, broken parts, and vomit in the seat your supposed to sit in. Two weeks ago, Vick became the first QB ever to rush for 100+ and pass for 150+ in one game. Yes, Mike Vick is now the leading rusher for the Falcons. Man, if only T.J. Duckett could throw the ball!
Picksgiving: Falcons.
Lions (+3) vs. Jaguars: David Garrard? Christ, am I starting at QB for someone this week?
Picksgiving: Lions.
Seahawks (PK) vs. Rams: [Here’s a brief review of BTK’s incisive analysis in making football picks:
Week 1: "Do I really have to pick one? Yes. Do I really have to talk about it? No."
Week 2: "Well I don’t have much to say about them."
Week 3: "Are you there God? It’s me, indifference."
Week 4: "I’m just going to stare at the wall and drool for a while…"
Week 5: "…am I supposed to be talking about a game here?"
Week 6: "Oh fuck it, I give up."
Week 7: "This is a good game… for me to poop on!"
Week 8: [silence]
Week 9: "I don’t know, whoever gets points…"]
Worry not, I’m seeking treatment for my ellipsis addiction.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Chiefs (-4) vs. Saints: Last week, Aaron Brooks threw a pass backwards. To an offensive lineman. ‘Nuff said.
Picksgiving: Chiefs.
Bengals (+3.5) vs. Redskins: This whole QB concept is just a sorry excuse to avoid having to write about Chad Johnson
Picksgiving: Bengals.
Vikings (+4) vs. Packers: Culpepper vs. Favre. Finally, a real game. I managed to catch ‘Inside the NFL’ this week and was treated to yet another story on Favre. It’s reached the meta level, folks. Stories about stories about stories about Favre. This time, get out your hankies because here comes Peter King to do some baby-boomer emoting with Favre. If only Favre spent as much time practicing as he does on press events, maybe the Pack wouldn’t keep losing at home. I was flagged (in my own home!) for excessive celebration last week watching Culpepper get shown up on national television.
Picksgiving: Packers.
Cardinals (+2) vs. Giants: Enter the QB controversy. I don’t have much of an opinion of Warner (except for that general distrust of religious wackos that all us blue-staters supposedly have), but you have to sympathize with his treatment. One bad game and everyone is audibling to the Manning. Yes, it was a horrendous game, but most of the blame goes to the offensive line. And the stupid penalties. And the poor receiving corp. And so on. You didn’t hear much complaining when they were winning. Sure, everyone wants to come to the Big Apple for all the endorsement deals and marketing money selling patties or used cars or laser eye surgery or whatever, but they don’t seem to realize that NY sports fans have all the loyalty of a stray animal. We can expect the Eli hype to die down once he gets in there and sports some Carson Palmer style numbers. Giants fans, be careful what you wish for.
Picksgiving: Cards.
Panthers (PK) vs. 49ers: This Injury Bowl will be played in the local hospital. Instead of the 'physically unable to play' list, these teams have the 'athletically unable to play' list. Is Tim Rattay healthy? Is Jake Del Homey still alive? Is anyone on the Carolina Panthers conscious? As we always say here at BTK, parity is unfairity when it leads to games like this. Pick ‘em? No thanks. Picking cattle noses would be more appealing than picking a winner of this game.
Cattlenosegiving: 49ers.
Bills (+7.5) vs. Patriots: Will Bledsoe exact revenge on the George Bush supporter who supplanted him in Beantown? Or will God’s Grace to Magazine Covers show up the old man? I sniff the upset. Bledsoe might not be his former self, but you can’t start Troy Brown at CB every week.
Picksgiving: Bills.
Eagles (-6) vs. Cowboys: McNabb’s mobility will be matched by Testeverde’s stationaryity. The old man routine is getting pretty old in Dallas. Tuna claims that he’s never coached a team that has responded as little as this one. Well, coach, maybe they just weren’t wearing their hearing aides.
Picksgiving: Eagles.
bye: Broncos, Chargers, Dolphins, Raiders
Best Bets (2 per week): Bears, Eagles
Dear professional football teams,
Please keep me from being a Week 10 Fallusa.
regards,
BTK
Errata:
Man, look at all the underdogs I picked this week. Seven (eight if the PK moves to the Rams, as it looks to be doing). In honor of all these dogs, here are some links to pictures of dogs in football jerseys:
http://www.kateconnick.com/postcards/chieffootball.jpg
http://www.ticketsconcertssports.com/tyson-football.jpg
http://www.costumesinc.com/p4433/Football_Hero_Pet_Costume.html?&User_ID=5875853&st=3019&st2=-36875293&st3=92835908
http://www.powerdog.jp/football.jpg
BTK: sorely in need of an editor. Oh, and a proofreader. Uh, and a writer.
¶ 4:24 PM 1 comments
Friday, November 05, 2004
Week 9
My picks are in the litter box, so I must have 9 lives.
Overall: 53-59-4, but did I win the popular vote?
Last Week: 4-10, uh, no.
Best Bets: 7-8-1, lowest score wins, right? Like golf?
BB Last Week: 0-2, breaking my 1-1 streak. The bad way.
Prologue: I don’t wish to alarm anyone, especially our nation’s senior citizens with their weak hearts and antiquated government entitlements, but this is the second miserable week for BTK. Maybe I didn’t put enough time into last week’s picks. Sure, bye weeks are usually reserved for the healing of hammys (which didn’t happen, btw, and a man is only as good as him hammy), the talking of trash (you should have heard me berate my broken stereo), maybe some conditioning drills (does using a shampoo plus conditioner count?), getting DUIs (I knew I shouldn’t have donated my car to a charity for the blind, they probably drive worst than drunk people do!), and losing your position to a roster player (henceforth, BTK will be composed by left-leaning political bloggers – they have a lot of free time these days). But instead my bye week was spent sucking at football predictions, something at which I have demonstrated an aptitude, but certainly not something that would be considered the modus operandi of this blog. Lately it feels like there’s not ‘b’ on this blog and I’m not so much making picks, as just posting a log. After Week 7’s 3-10-1 and Week 8’s 4-10, BTK has to reassess the state of its haruspices. I have the feeling that I’m getting low-grade animal entrails and tea leaves from my supplier. Given, I smoke most of the tea leaves before actually consulting them to predict the future; and, okay, I pan-fry and eat most of the animal entrails after smoking the tea leaves, but still… Wait, what was my point? Oh yeah, craptastic picks. Is it the middle of the season doldrums or something? Let’s look at some of the ridiculous upsets of the last two weeks: Vikes blown out by the Giants and score only 13 points; 5-2 Broncos giving up, at home, 41 points to the previously inept falcons offense; Steelers putting up 34 on the Pats. And that’s only week 8, how about week 7? Eagles need OT to beat the Browns; Fins-Rams 31-14; 2-4 Chiefs score 56 points against one of the top 5 defenses. Yowsers. Stupid mid-season. I’ll show ‘em this week. Fuck the exit polls. Looks like I’m far behind, right? Women made all those picks. Let’s bring in the evangelical picks! Jesus saves! Hopefully he also covers.
Jets (-3) vs. Bills: Funny the weight we give to divisional games. Sure, it helps in some elaborate playoff formula that Stephen Hawking couldn’t explain to me (robot voice or not), but it also leads to a lot of stinker games, which we’re supposed to think are meaningful. As if the Bills have any playoff chance. They have two wins, against the Cards and Fins. That’s about as impressive as the Fins offense. Are the Bills really comfortable playing the spoiler role halfway through the season? Or will all spoilage involve the play of drew Bledsoe. One order of interceptions with a side of fumbles, waitron. The Jets bring the league’s 2nd best rushing attack against the Bills 2nd ranked rush defense. And still this manages to be borrrring. Curtis martin had 115 yards last week. Guess what? Lamont Jordon had 115 yards too. Guess what? While watching the Jets game last week, I rushed to the fridge to get beer and had 19 carries for 35 beers and, that’s right, 115 yards.
Picksgiving: Jets
Eagles (PK) vs. Steelers: The battle for PA, like anyone would want it. It’s Primanti Bros. vs Joe’s Cheesesteaks. City of Love vs. City of Steel. Red state vs. Blue state. East vs. West. The Pitts and the Philadulums. Will TO mime a bus driver when he scores a touchdown? Can the Steelers end the 7-game win streak after ending the 21-game win streak? The Eagles record hides a good amount of luck and ineptitude inside those 7 wins. The Steelers have been much more impressive in their five-win streak. But lordy, after so many Korsmells and Tommy Baddox years, it’s amazing to think that Bill Cower might keep his job b/c of Big Ben Rothlisburgh as they’re calling him. The Eagles needed OT to beat the Browns and 1 TD to beat the Ravens. These teams together have as many wins as the Eagles. The other big story is the ‘Return of the Deuce,’ and no that isn’t a movie starring James Woods and Robert Redford as a couple of art thieves looking for one big final score (and if it were, pay a visit to the Munch Museum in Norway, guys!) "I don't have anything personal to prove to them. I was there seven years, so they know about Duce," Staley said. "If it was something personal, Deuce thinks Deuce would be showing Deuce’s teammates Deuce wanted to be over there instead of being here. That's not the case." (Okay, I changed some personal pronouns to Deuces in the second sentence, but the first is legit. The collective bargaining agreement should prohibit all football players from referring to themselves in the third person). Without Westbrook to establish the run (please don’t tell me Dorsey Levens is going to do it) the Eagles will struggle against the NFL’s 9th ranked pass defense. Sure, TO. Put three d-backs, four cheerleaders, and an assistant trainer on him. Who else are they going to pass to? A blocking tight end? Todd ‘skinny legs’ Pinkston? Heinz field vs. Lincoln financial. Condiments vs. insurance. I’ll take the sauce please.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Redskins (+3) vs. Lions: Well the Redskins blew it. Sure they lost, but another pointless trend was debunked. The incumbent lives. Joe Gibbs must have brought his NASCAR dad moxie to the game. It’s worthless to even talk about these coincidental stats, so maybe it’s best if we let it go. After a drubbing of the Giants, the Lions looked like they could actually be a 6-2 team with games against the Cowboys and the Skins. But they were infected with the virus of Vinny Greenballs who threw for 3 TDs (and 3 INTs, just to remind us he’s 97 years old) and gave the Lions their first road loss. On the other side, Brunell is last in the NFL with a 52.4 completion percentage, which is especially shocking since the majority of those throws are to the turf. Even the ground isn’t catching the ball! Then again, for the Lions last week, they had 39 yards rushing on 14 carries. Not to belabor the point, but I could pee 39 yards on 14 urination attempts. Maybe they should hand the ball off to my penis. Big gains, my friend! They also had 112 yards in penalties. If only motion penalties would be allowed a place on the roster. If the Redskins lose on the road the week after the election when coming off a loss as home dogs, does that mean the Undersecretary of Health and Human Labor resigns after a botched panty raid?
Picksgiving: Lions, I guess.
Cowboys (-1) vs. Bengals: Stars and Stripes, baby! Deficits and intolerance, baby! Plutocracy and zealotry, baby! Or I guess it’s Stars vs. Stripes. A house divided against itself is like a mobile home in a Category 5 hurricane. But really, I think it’s late enough in the season that we can stop talking about games like this. From now on, each stinker game of the week will get one BTK-penned pop culture review. Wouldn’t you rather know whether or not to see ‘Saw’ than which team is going to win this game? You’re going to get the pick anyway.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Raiders (+7) vs. Panthers: The Panthers are giving up seven? What seven injuries? Seven roster spots? Seven running backs? What alternative universe brings us this spread? Did Zalltron the Imperious win command of the Galactic Senate or something? And what the hell is Zalltron going to do about the taxes on my al-kee-hol? You get the feeling that these two superbowl busts didn’t get the analytical eye of the Vegas spreadlords. I think Veags’ lack of attention lead to this game getting the spread meant for another contest. There is something pathetic about the meeting of these two teams. They are like geezers gathered around the dialysis bingo table, somebody is going to win, but their heart might give out doing it. The Raiders have lost 13 straight on the road and 16 of their last 20 games overall. They have allowed at least 30 points in each of their last five contests. Both teams have lost five straight games. Wow, it’s just like a rematch of that Bills-Fins game! Remember the drama of that gladiatorial contest? Yeah, me neither. Funny thing, I’ve forgotten about this game even though I’m currently writing about it. See, even though I’m punching the keys on the keyboard and putting together coherent thoughts (hypothetically, at least) about this game, I’m thinking of rainbows and dewdrops and leprechauns and about all the leftover Halloween candy. Anybody want to crush up some Sweet Tarts and do some lines? No? How about I give you $5 to eat 40 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in 5 minutes? No? Fine. I hope there’s a razor in your apple. "It's obvious we're not capable of putting drives together, and it's obvious we're not capable of putting defensive stands together," said Raiders coach Norv Turner. From what I can tell, Norv, you’re not capable of putting a football team together either. The Panthers aren’t in much better shape, but at least they can blame that old bugaboo Mr. Injury for many of their troubles. It looks like they’re going to have another week with Brad Hoover (aka Brad Whover) as the running game. Further research finds their 4th-string back in named Nick Goings. More like… wait for it… Nick Goings nowhere. Hold the applause. I guess a running game like this is maybe good for Del Homey’s fantasy stats. Really, fantasy is about the only thing relevant to this game. Not the fantasy that I’ll be paying any attention, but you can only go so far. Favoring a 1-6 team by 7 points makes me wonder if there’s something I don’t know. In the end, ugh, it’s just too many points in a crapfest. Crapfests take points. In the crapbook. And I’m going to audible to the crapbook right now.
Picksgiving: Raiders
Cards (+3) vs. Fins: Here’s NFL.com’s take on the game: "The Arizona Cardinals haven't won a road game in more than two years. A matchup with the Miami Dolphins might be coming at the perfect time." Um, perfect time for whom, exactly? I don’t remember the league existing to serve the fragile, road-loss egos of the Az. Cards. I believe it’s an entertainment enterprise in service to me, the average fan (um, who is way above average, btw). Yes, this game would be coming at the ‘perfect time’ for the NFL fan if it took place right after Armageddon perhaps. Otherwise, save your breath. It’s week frigging 9 and we have Cowboys-Bengals, Raiders-Panthers, and Cards-Fins. And I haven’t even gotten to the Browns-Ravens! When you’re hyping games as a possible scenario for a team to end a long-running streak of ineptitude, you’re really scraping the bottom of the dung barrel. Why don’t you just promise some injuries? You’re bound to attract the interest of the sadism crowd, at the very least. "A week ago, we looked fast and quick and explosive," Cards coach Dennis Green said. Sorry Denny, but you were just sitting on the fast forward button when watching game film. What can you say about these games? I can’t even muster the energy to ridicule them. Gamble on them, sure; but mockery just takes so much more out of you. I don’t know, whoever gets points…
Picksgiving: Cards
Chiefs (-3) vs. Bucs: Well the Chiefs have 1130 total yards and 101 points in the last two games. Christ! This was a 1-4 team. What the hell is going on? Chief Priest has 41 touchdowns in the past 20 games. Man, maybe he was the one who brought out the religious vote on Tuesday. By way of contrast, the Bucs have scored 109 points all season. That's about all we need to know. The Bucs have decided to Griese the wheels and see what happens. Usually that means a loss of vehicular control – not a situation known to lead to happy endings, but so far he’s done better than the Simmsulation of a QB they had going in previous games. I don’t yet trust the CW that the Chiefs are back, but the Bucs should put up little opposition.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Bears (+9) vs. Giants: Bears starting QB Craig Krenzel has a degree in molecular genetics. Craig, are you sure that playing for the Bears was the correct career decision? The 5-2 Giants have continued to impress the league, but it can only be so long before the mistakes of Kurt Warner ruin the team’s chances. You can only bail out Kon-Tiki so many times. It isn’t every week that Big Blue can win with Warner putting the ball on the turf three times. I’m Warnering you, his turnovers will kill them. And for all the early season surprise that the O-line didn’t tackle their own players, they have now given up more sacks than any other team except the Fins. If the defense can continue to give up the second fewest points per game in the league (16.1), they can stay competitive. But a shaky O-line, turnovers, and a middling pass attack spell trouble down the road. And plenty of trouble covering 9 points. Come on, it’s the Giants we’re talking about.
Picksgiving: Bears
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. 49ers: Damn, the 49ers are playing like it’s 1849. There’s gold in them there fumbles! Injuries have killed the defense, the rush, and the pass game. Huh, but that mediocre special teams is a step in the right direction! After losing three in a row, the Seahawks still couldn’t cover against the wounded Panthers last week. Sure, they put a tranquilizer in the cat’s rump, but they need to put that cat to sleep if they think anyone is going to take them seriously as a playoff team. Of course, the Seahawks won the last meeting against this divisional rival 34-nil, so maybe this is just the medicine they need to, uh, to, er, to vaccinate against that influenza. Shaun Alexander had 195 yards and 2 TDs last week. Maybe you should give him the ball! Yeah, great idea, BTK! Give the ball to the guy with the ridiculous stats! We can expect more of that this week as the Seahawks WR corps is banged up to all hell. Jerry Rice is hurt. I know, real shocker. Did he break a hip or something? The only healthy receiver is Koren Robinson, so we should expect about 25 dropped passes this game. I’m thinking maybe the Seahawks should have two receivers run the same route, right next to each other, so that when one drops the ball maybe the other will be in position to catch it. Then, instead of getting a ‘dropped pass’ stat, the first WR who drops it can get a ‘passes offensed’ stat. Yes, I just invented a new statistic. Take that, Billy Beane! Right now the 49ers are just awful, awful, awful. If Seattle can’t cover a TD, then they don’t deserve that space needle. They deserve the euthanasia needle.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Saints (+6.5) vs. Chargers: Take a good long look in the mirror New Orleans Saints, because you are getting a touchdown vs. the Chargers. The world is basically squatting over your team and taking a shit on you. Ask yourself, are you going to make jambalaya out of it or are you going, uh, to forget to add cajun seasonings? Next question: is this the point where I make a bad "fresh brees" pun like every other hack out there. No. This is where I say that ‘fresh breeze’ is a bad metaphor from a feminine hygiene commercial. Drew was 22 of 25 last week for 5 TDs and no INTs. Somebody smell ‘contract year’ on that ‘fresh breeze?’ But I have sympathy for the man, he did get screwed by the organization and blamed for much of the bad play (and, let’s face it, coaching) around him. I’m not excusing his play last year because it wasn’t pretty. Let’s just hope he gets a big contract in, uh, Miami. Maybe he can get together with Ricky Williams. The comeback kids. The Saints are coming off their bye week. Funny, but it seems like every week is the bye week for the saints, they just sometimes have to go out on the field for it. The Chargers bring in the numero uno run defense. Do you really expect the Saints to make plays through the air? Maybe Donte Stallworthless will make them. Sorry, scratch that, he just got demoted to 3rd string. I worry a bit about the Bolts giving up 6.5, but it is the Saints, after all, and on the road.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Patriots (-2) vs. Rams: Oh no, the glorious Patriots have had their precious streak ended. The British are coming! The British are coming! I’m especially worried about how this loss effect the relationship between Tom Brady and G.W. Will the conservatives abandon Brady now that he’s shown his vulnerability? Or will we invade Foxborough to save them from themselves? Corey Dillon and both Pats CBs are hurt, which doesn’t bode well for the Pats. Last week with Dillon hurt, the Pats’ leading rusher was Kevin Faulk with 4 yards on 5 carries. You’re posting some Bettis-type numbers there, Kev, but without the touchdowns. The Rams are coming off the bye. Sure, they have played down to opponents and their defense has looked suspect at times, but everything points Rams. And we’re all tired of the Pats by now.
Picksgiving: Rams
Texans (+6.5) vs. Broncos: The Texans come in looking to match their single-season record of wins here in Week 9. The Broncos come in having thrown for 499 yards last week and still losing big to the Falcons. Rod Smith had his first 100-yard receiving game since Week 5… of 2003; Reuben Droughns had only 49 yards rushing last week. I don’t see the mile-high air letting the Broncos will by much, given their turnover problems of late.
Picksgiving: Texans
Browns (+6) vs. Ravens: New look Browns match up against the old look Browns. New shit browns against old shit browns. Jamal Lewis is back, and he’s phoning in a huge yardage buy. He’ll take 100 kilos of yardage and a half pound of TDs. But anything he does will no doubt be negated by Kyle Boller and his 3 TDs & 11 INTs in 7 games. Yes, the Ravens lost to the Browns earlier this season, but lately they’ve played tough against good teams, which the Browns aren’t. Sunday night should be the Ravens revenge.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Vikes (+6) vs. Colts: It isn’t so much a battle of wills as a battle of wilts. Both teams are notorious for caving in big games, but the Colts have done much less of that this year and are in a dogfight with the Jags (god, and the Texans) to win their division. The Colts simply must win this game, even if Peyton has to throw for 35 touchdowns. I never thought I’d type this, but the Vikes will miss Mewelde Moore. They’ll also miss Randy Moss, who suits up for one play each week to keep some phony streak alive. Of course, he hasn’t caught a pass since Week 6. Now that’s the kind of Randy Ratio I like.
Picksgiving: Colts.
Bye week: Falcons, Jags, Pack, Titans, electoral sanity.
Best Best (2 per week): Chiefs, Raiders. Fingers crossed.
Errata:
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations):
All the hubbub this week is about TO’s little imitation of Ray Lewis after scoring the winning touchdown in last week’s Eagles-Ravens game. Lewis then called TO a "coward" and TO hit back with comments about Lewis’ involvement in the double-murder trial in Atlanta. Let’s leave the verbal sparring aside and focus, with laser-like intensity as always, on the dance. Basically, TO mockingly imitated another man’s dance. I give him credit for taking the touchdown dance to the meta level and everything, but it’s also pretty stupid. TO was a merchandising major in college (and let’s pretend he attended a single class to get that degree) and his little antics increasingly seem about nothing more than extending the brand of TO. Come on, he wear’s hats with his website address on them. How stupid is that? He’s right to point out the hypocrisy of the league embracing a double-murder suspect but having a hissy fit over a guy with a Sharpie. But TO’s attention-getting-deficit disorder seems ever more unhinged. And his complaints about the league or the press or whoever is supposedly demonizing him reveal a rather strong persecution complex for a successful multi-millionaire. Oh, who cares, I’m sick of TO. I’m giving this week’s award to Johnny Morton and his awesome version of the Worm. That man can break! Too bad he’s too old to get many chances to do it.
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Is it possible that the boner pill commercials have simply become so ubiquitous that I don’t even notice them anymore? I feel like it’s the same old ‘geezers in separate bathtub’ spot or ‘wife looking a little frisky’ ad that’s been running for a couple of season. These boner pill ad campaigns need boner pills of their own. Where’s Ditka dickin’? Where’s that football through the tire? That said, below are the odds for which current player will become a spokesperson in a future boner pill advertising campaign.
Kordell Stewart:
Odds: 100-1.
Nobody sleeps with a loser. Adam, Eve, or Steve.
Ron Dayne:
Odds: 75-1
Known for being incapable of hitting the hole.
Warren Sapp:
Odds: 60-1
Helped by his reputation around the league as a "huge cock."
A.J. Feely:
Odds 30-1
A.J. can you Feely? Pinball wizard. Etc. Etc.
Carson Palmer:
Odds 20-1
Synonymous with performance problems.
Kurt Warner:
Odds: 18-1.
Known for fumbling in the pocket, if you know what I mean.
Tom Brady:
Odds: 10-1.
Harem of slutty Republican chicks requires an 8-hour boner.
Marc Bulger:
Odds 10-1
Put a Bulger in your pocket.
Ricky Williams:
Odds: 8-1.
Is there a drug he isn’t on?
Ben Roethlisberger:
Odds: 5-1.
Even Bigger Ben.
*The Stadium Scene:
On Tuesday, Arlington, Texas voters decided to give the Cowboys a new stadium. Gee, I wonder how they are going to pay for another retractable-roof behemoth? Let’s see:
A 0.5 percent sales tax increase.
A 2 percent hotel-occupancy tax increase.
A 5 percent car-rental tax increase.
Up to a 10 percent ticket tax on events at the stadium.
Up to a $3 parking tax at the stadium.
Those Republicans, so crazy with that tax cutting. Wait a minute…
*10 things that I think that Peter King thinks that he thinks:
1) Does my butt look big in these pants?
2) Does my butt look big out of these pants?
3) If you reverse my names, I am King Peter, lord of all Peters.
4) I drink coffee, like every other person. I feel the need to tell people about it, like few other people.
5) A column called Monday Morning Quarterback is a perfect place to talk endlessly about the Red Sox and girl’s high school field hockey.
6) How much liver can one person eat? Have intern look up on web.
7) When I ride on the train, it goes ‘Choo! Choo!’
8) I have ‘Monday Morning Quarterback,’ Gregg Easterbrook has ‘Tuesday Morning Quarterback,’ and Phil Simms’ new book is called ‘Sunday Morning Quarterback.’ Who in God’s name is doing the afternoon quarterbacking?
9) If I weren’t writing about professional football, I think I’d like to pen a column about midget bowling.
10) My sources inside the league tell me that the Superbowl will be held in Jacksonville this year.
*Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies):
Ricky Williams finally got around to applying for reinstatement this week. Here’s one of the articles:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=pasquarelli_len&id=1914446
Through the awesome research power of the internet, I was able to acquire a copy of Ricky’s letter to the league:
Dear Official Head Football Person Guy,
Yo, what up brah? Hey dawg, this is Ricky barkin’ at ya. Man, oh, look dude, I’m like totally sorry about that whole retirement thing. That was, just, like, a phase, man. Not the real me, dude. Not at all. See, I was just like, you know, out there man. Way out there. There were like gazelles and shit where I was. All kind of crazy stuff, man. You really gotta try some of this, man; it’s crazy good, dude. It’ll totally knock you on your ass. I can hook you up with a dude. Yo, Jamal’s got his number on his cellphone. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. True. But what was I sayin’? Oh yeah, that whole ‘I don’t want to play anymore’ thing. That wasn’t me talkin’, I promise. No no no, I’m bein’ serious here. No, listen to me, dude. This is the Rickster talking. The real deal. From the heart, dawg. I don’t know who was saying that shit. But it wasn’t me. I mean, if it was, then I musta, you know, like gotten a bad batch or something….
And so on. That bit isn’t really going anywhere. The stoner voice inflections don’t really jump off the page. But I stand behind the concept. That way you can’t see me.
*In Other News:
Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready to rumble? In one corner we have Keyshawn Johnson and in the other corner we have Pam Oliver. Last week, Oliver reported that on the sideline Keyshawn had yelled at a Cowboys assistant coach. Keyshawn denied it and said, and I quote, "I almost wanted to get on a plane, find where she is at, and sit her down and spank her with a ruler really, really hard, because it makes no sense." When asked what she would do if Johnson tried to spank her, "I will punch him in the face," Oliver said.
Hey Keyshawn, I guess the spanking pick-up line didn’t work. Maybe it’s time to try a couple of new ones. Here’s a few that are bound to work:
Nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you work at Subway? [No, why?] Because you just gave me a 12 incher!
Did you come from hell? Cause your ass is hot!
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me horny.
[Grab her bum] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
I’m just wondering if you are wearing space pants, because your ass is out of this world.
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by again?
Do you want to see something swell?
And if those don’t work for you, Keyshawn, maybe you should use a couple of proven Bevis & Butthead lines:
Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.
What's your sign? Is it "Yield"?
My lips are registered weapons.
I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.
*Herm Edwards insanity watch:
http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/jets/ny-spjets284021539oct28,0,7916234.story?coll=ny-sports-headlines
*Reader Request (and since we have 2 readers, we have to do what they say!)
This week’s reader request: ‘More Matlock.’ No problem!
Viewer Comments:
"Matlock was one of my all time favorite shows, probably because of growing up with Andy. Anyway, I didn't mind it at all that in the first episodes you had Don Knotts as the neighbor, his appearances were few and far between. The first season he had Christine, Linda Purl, for his daughter and assistant. Even when Conrad replaced Keenen it still was alright because the show always explained what and where they went. When Michelle Thomas was his sidekick along with Conrad it just couldn't get any better. But then the assistant he got which was the son of the meanest man which was Ben Matlocks friend from the past, then things started to go downhill. When his sometime girlfriend Julie wasn't on as much giving a little sexual tension between them it started to get bland. But the all time worse move was the ending of one season with a two parter where a rich widow was trying to seduce Ben so he wouldn't nail her with the murder of her husband. It was the run of the mill episode but when the next season started, Ben was suddenly reunited with his now divorce daughter, and guess what it was the same character that played the rich widow that was all over him the season before. Also, there was NO mention of what daughter this was. You always felt that his daughter was Christine, since he only had ONE child, then who was LeAnn, maybe if he worked her into the story as Christine’s older, or half or adopted or whatever sister. But nothing was ever said and that was it for me, I hate it when a show goes along and is good then someone wants to mess with it. Oh and please don’t get me started on the dopey assistants that came after Conrad and Michelle left."
That’s all well and good, but what was Matlock’s QB rating?
"My mother watches this show, and I just don't get how Ben Matlock, a lawyer, makes all this money, and he always eats CHILI DOGS in every freaking episode!! Go to McDonald's or Domino's or something!! Every episode he has a chili dog!!! ARRRGH!!!"
So the man likes chili dogs? You don’t like chili dogs? Freakin’ communist.
"Lemme see if I got this all straight... Ben Matlock was from Mt. Harlan (probably a reference to those Col. Sanders suits.) Cliff Arquette's old hillbilly character Charley Weaver got letters from home from Mount Ivy (or Mount Idie). People riding the Hooterville Cannonball were going to Mount Holly. Mount Pilot was a community on the outskirts of Mayberry. So that means that the guy who said Andy Griffith's Ben Matlock character should retire and go back to Mt. Pilot was referring to a location from the earlier Andy Griffith Show. In other words, HE WAS JOKING. But was the later poster who stated Matlock was from Mt. Harlan, not Mt. Pilot, also joking? Because if he was being serious and just didn't "get" that the Mt. Pilot reference was a joke, then his "get your facts straight" comment seems awfully ironic, and it suggests there are TV fans who know more about Matlock than the far superior Andy Griffith show, which is just plain wrong. I don't know, I guess I just don't "get" this modern conceptual comedy. (I like old fashioned juvenile dirty jokes. "Going to Mount Holly" - get it?)"
I’d say there’s a lot that you don’t "get."
"For 6 seasons, Matlock was one of the best shows on television until it switched from the Peacock (NBC) to ABC in the Fall of 1992. This switch coincided with the departure of Nancy Stafford (who played assistant Michelle Thomas) and Clarence Gilyard (who played P.I. Conrad McMasters) who both left prior to the start of the 1992 TV season. When they were replaced by Brynn Thayer (Matlock's daughter, LeAnn) and Daniel Roebuck (Ben's assistant, Cliff) the traits which made the show great, a compelling mystery laced with timely humor and unique plots were replaced with ridiculous storylines that often were unrelated to the story's central plot. Throughout its first 6 seasons at NBC, the plot always centered around Andy Griffith (Matlock); he always laced Matlock's small-town boyishness with a fiery temper and a Harvard intellect so perfectly that he displayed more depth of character than in "The Andy Griffith Show" of the 1960's. The other characters on Matlock, always played off of Griffith so well, that Matlock was always at the top in the ratings. But when the show went to ABC, Griffith's role (perhaps his choice because of his age) diminished. His daughter, LeAnn, practiced more cases and she often seemed to be the central focus of the plot, instead of Matlock. Griffith, if anything, played more of a supporting role, and with weak actors such as Roebuck and Carol Huston (Jeri), the show suffered enormously. By the last three seasons on ABC, Matlock had turned from a intriguing show of mystery to a watered down version of the old "Nashville Network." The cases were de-emphasized and parodies of Matlock's senility were overemphasized with him playing silly country songs on his guitar and banjo. Funny thing is, the worst of Matlock is still better than some of the "best" stuff that is on network TV now."
I think that’s enough Matlock for a while.
Set my picks free!
¶ 3:25 PM 1 comments
My picks are in the litter box, so I must have 9 lives.
Overall: 53-59-4, but did I win the popular vote?
Last Week: 4-10, uh, no.
Best Bets: 7-8-1, lowest score wins, right? Like golf?
BB Last Week: 0-2, breaking my 1-1 streak. The bad way.
Prologue: I don’t wish to alarm anyone, especially our nation’s senior citizens with their weak hearts and antiquated government entitlements, but this is the second miserable week for BTK. Maybe I didn’t put enough time into last week’s picks. Sure, bye weeks are usually reserved for the healing of hammys (which didn’t happen, btw, and a man is only as good as him hammy), the talking of trash (you should have heard me berate my broken stereo), maybe some conditioning drills (does using a shampoo plus conditioner count?), getting DUIs (I knew I shouldn’t have donated my car to a charity for the blind, they probably drive worst than drunk people do!), and losing your position to a roster player (henceforth, BTK will be composed by left-leaning political bloggers – they have a lot of free time these days). But instead my bye week was spent sucking at football predictions, something at which I have demonstrated an aptitude, but certainly not something that would be considered the modus operandi of this blog. Lately it feels like there’s not ‘b’ on this blog and I’m not so much making picks, as just posting a log. After Week 7’s 3-10-1 and Week 8’s 4-10, BTK has to reassess the state of its haruspices. I have the feeling that I’m getting low-grade animal entrails and tea leaves from my supplier. Given, I smoke most of the tea leaves before actually consulting them to predict the future; and, okay, I pan-fry and eat most of the animal entrails after smoking the tea leaves, but still… Wait, what was my point? Oh yeah, craptastic picks. Is it the middle of the season doldrums or something? Let’s look at some of the ridiculous upsets of the last two weeks: Vikes blown out by the Giants and score only 13 points; 5-2 Broncos giving up, at home, 41 points to the previously inept falcons offense; Steelers putting up 34 on the Pats. And that’s only week 8, how about week 7? Eagles need OT to beat the Browns; Fins-Rams 31-14; 2-4 Chiefs score 56 points against one of the top 5 defenses. Yowsers. Stupid mid-season. I’ll show ‘em this week. Fuck the exit polls. Looks like I’m far behind, right? Women made all those picks. Let’s bring in the evangelical picks! Jesus saves! Hopefully he also covers.
Jets (-3) vs. Bills: Funny the weight we give to divisional games. Sure, it helps in some elaborate playoff formula that Stephen Hawking couldn’t explain to me (robot voice or not), but it also leads to a lot of stinker games, which we’re supposed to think are meaningful. As if the Bills have any playoff chance. They have two wins, against the Cards and Fins. That’s about as impressive as the Fins offense. Are the Bills really comfortable playing the spoiler role halfway through the season? Or will all spoilage involve the play of drew Bledsoe. One order of interceptions with a side of fumbles, waitron. The Jets bring the league’s 2nd best rushing attack against the Bills 2nd ranked rush defense. And still this manages to be borrrring. Curtis martin had 115 yards last week. Guess what? Lamont Jordon had 115 yards too. Guess what? While watching the Jets game last week, I rushed to the fridge to get beer and had 19 carries for 35 beers and, that’s right, 115 yards.
Picksgiving: Jets
Eagles (PK) vs. Steelers: The battle for PA, like anyone would want it. It’s Primanti Bros. vs Joe’s Cheesesteaks. City of Love vs. City of Steel. Red state vs. Blue state. East vs. West. The Pitts and the Philadulums. Will TO mime a bus driver when he scores a touchdown? Can the Steelers end the 7-game win streak after ending the 21-game win streak? The Eagles record hides a good amount of luck and ineptitude inside those 7 wins. The Steelers have been much more impressive in their five-win streak. But lordy, after so many Korsmells and Tommy Baddox years, it’s amazing to think that Bill Cower might keep his job b/c of Big Ben Rothlisburgh as they’re calling him. The Eagles needed OT to beat the Browns and 1 TD to beat the Ravens. These teams together have as many wins as the Eagles. The other big story is the ‘Return of the Deuce,’ and no that isn’t a movie starring James Woods and Robert Redford as a couple of art thieves looking for one big final score (and if it were, pay a visit to the Munch Museum in Norway, guys!) "I don't have anything personal to prove to them. I was there seven years, so they know about Duce," Staley said. "If it was something personal, Deuce thinks Deuce would be showing Deuce’s teammates Deuce wanted to be over there instead of being here. That's not the case." (Okay, I changed some personal pronouns to Deuces in the second sentence, but the first is legit. The collective bargaining agreement should prohibit all football players from referring to themselves in the third person). Without Westbrook to establish the run (please don’t tell me Dorsey Levens is going to do it) the Eagles will struggle against the NFL’s 9th ranked pass defense. Sure, TO. Put three d-backs, four cheerleaders, and an assistant trainer on him. Who else are they going to pass to? A blocking tight end? Todd ‘skinny legs’ Pinkston? Heinz field vs. Lincoln financial. Condiments vs. insurance. I’ll take the sauce please.
Picksgiving: Steelers
Redskins (+3) vs. Lions: Well the Redskins blew it. Sure they lost, but another pointless trend was debunked. The incumbent lives. Joe Gibbs must have brought his NASCAR dad moxie to the game. It’s worthless to even talk about these coincidental stats, so maybe it’s best if we let it go. After a drubbing of the Giants, the Lions looked like they could actually be a 6-2 team with games against the Cowboys and the Skins. But they were infected with the virus of Vinny Greenballs who threw for 3 TDs (and 3 INTs, just to remind us he’s 97 years old) and gave the Lions their first road loss. On the other side, Brunell is last in the NFL with a 52.4 completion percentage, which is especially shocking since the majority of those throws are to the turf. Even the ground isn’t catching the ball! Then again, for the Lions last week, they had 39 yards rushing on 14 carries. Not to belabor the point, but I could pee 39 yards on 14 urination attempts. Maybe they should hand the ball off to my penis. Big gains, my friend! They also had 112 yards in penalties. If only motion penalties would be allowed a place on the roster. If the Redskins lose on the road the week after the election when coming off a loss as home dogs, does that mean the Undersecretary of Health and Human Labor resigns after a botched panty raid?
Picksgiving: Lions, I guess.
Cowboys (-1) vs. Bengals: Stars and Stripes, baby! Deficits and intolerance, baby! Plutocracy and zealotry, baby! Or I guess it’s Stars vs. Stripes. A house divided against itself is like a mobile home in a Category 5 hurricane. But really, I think it’s late enough in the season that we can stop talking about games like this. From now on, each stinker game of the week will get one BTK-penned pop culture review. Wouldn’t you rather know whether or not to see ‘Saw’ than which team is going to win this game? You’re going to get the pick anyway.
Picksgiving: Cowboys.
Raiders (+7) vs. Panthers: The Panthers are giving up seven? What seven injuries? Seven roster spots? Seven running backs? What alternative universe brings us this spread? Did Zalltron the Imperious win command of the Galactic Senate or something? And what the hell is Zalltron going to do about the taxes on my al-kee-hol? You get the feeling that these two superbowl busts didn’t get the analytical eye of the Vegas spreadlords. I think Veags’ lack of attention lead to this game getting the spread meant for another contest. There is something pathetic about the meeting of these two teams. They are like geezers gathered around the dialysis bingo table, somebody is going to win, but their heart might give out doing it. The Raiders have lost 13 straight on the road and 16 of their last 20 games overall. They have allowed at least 30 points in each of their last five contests. Both teams have lost five straight games. Wow, it’s just like a rematch of that Bills-Fins game! Remember the drama of that gladiatorial contest? Yeah, me neither. Funny thing, I’ve forgotten about this game even though I’m currently writing about it. See, even though I’m punching the keys on the keyboard and putting together coherent thoughts (hypothetically, at least) about this game, I’m thinking of rainbows and dewdrops and leprechauns and about all the leftover Halloween candy. Anybody want to crush up some Sweet Tarts and do some lines? No? How about I give you $5 to eat 40 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in 5 minutes? No? Fine. I hope there’s a razor in your apple. "It's obvious we're not capable of putting drives together, and it's obvious we're not capable of putting defensive stands together," said Raiders coach Norv Turner. From what I can tell, Norv, you’re not capable of putting a football team together either. The Panthers aren’t in much better shape, but at least they can blame that old bugaboo Mr. Injury for many of their troubles. It looks like they’re going to have another week with Brad Hoover (aka Brad Whover) as the running game. Further research finds their 4th-string back in named Nick Goings. More like… wait for it… Nick Goings nowhere. Hold the applause. I guess a running game like this is maybe good for Del Homey’s fantasy stats. Really, fantasy is about the only thing relevant to this game. Not the fantasy that I’ll be paying any attention, but you can only go so far. Favoring a 1-6 team by 7 points makes me wonder if there’s something I don’t know. In the end, ugh, it’s just too many points in a crapfest. Crapfests take points. In the crapbook. And I’m going to audible to the crapbook right now.
Picksgiving: Raiders
Cards (+3) vs. Fins: Here’s NFL.com’s take on the game: "The Arizona Cardinals haven't won a road game in more than two years. A matchup with the Miami Dolphins might be coming at the perfect time." Um, perfect time for whom, exactly? I don’t remember the league existing to serve the fragile, road-loss egos of the Az. Cards. I believe it’s an entertainment enterprise in service to me, the average fan (um, who is way above average, btw). Yes, this game would be coming at the ‘perfect time’ for the NFL fan if it took place right after Armageddon perhaps. Otherwise, save your breath. It’s week frigging 9 and we have Cowboys-Bengals, Raiders-Panthers, and Cards-Fins. And I haven’t even gotten to the Browns-Ravens! When you’re hyping games as a possible scenario for a team to end a long-running streak of ineptitude, you’re really scraping the bottom of the dung barrel. Why don’t you just promise some injuries? You’re bound to attract the interest of the sadism crowd, at the very least. "A week ago, we looked fast and quick and explosive," Cards coach Dennis Green said. Sorry Denny, but you were just sitting on the fast forward button when watching game film. What can you say about these games? I can’t even muster the energy to ridicule them. Gamble on them, sure; but mockery just takes so much more out of you. I don’t know, whoever gets points…
Picksgiving: Cards
Chiefs (-3) vs. Bucs: Well the Chiefs have 1130 total yards and 101 points in the last two games. Christ! This was a 1-4 team. What the hell is going on? Chief Priest has 41 touchdowns in the past 20 games. Man, maybe he was the one who brought out the religious vote on Tuesday. By way of contrast, the Bucs have scored 109 points all season. That's about all we need to know. The Bucs have decided to Griese the wheels and see what happens. Usually that means a loss of vehicular control – not a situation known to lead to happy endings, but so far he’s done better than the Simmsulation of a QB they had going in previous games. I don’t yet trust the CW that the Chiefs are back, but the Bucs should put up little opposition.
Picksgiving: Chiefs
Bears (+9) vs. Giants: Bears starting QB Craig Krenzel has a degree in molecular genetics. Craig, are you sure that playing for the Bears was the correct career decision? The 5-2 Giants have continued to impress the league, but it can only be so long before the mistakes of Kurt Warner ruin the team’s chances. You can only bail out Kon-Tiki so many times. It isn’t every week that Big Blue can win with Warner putting the ball on the turf three times. I’m Warnering you, his turnovers will kill them. And for all the early season surprise that the O-line didn’t tackle their own players, they have now given up more sacks than any other team except the Fins. If the defense can continue to give up the second fewest points per game in the league (16.1), they can stay competitive. But a shaky O-line, turnovers, and a middling pass attack spell trouble down the road. And plenty of trouble covering 9 points. Come on, it’s the Giants we’re talking about.
Picksgiving: Bears
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. 49ers: Damn, the 49ers are playing like it’s 1849. There’s gold in them there fumbles! Injuries have killed the defense, the rush, and the pass game. Huh, but that mediocre special teams is a step in the right direction! After losing three in a row, the Seahawks still couldn’t cover against the wounded Panthers last week. Sure, they put a tranquilizer in the cat’s rump, but they need to put that cat to sleep if they think anyone is going to take them seriously as a playoff team. Of course, the Seahawks won the last meeting against this divisional rival 34-nil, so maybe this is just the medicine they need to, uh, to, er, to vaccinate against that influenza. Shaun Alexander had 195 yards and 2 TDs last week. Maybe you should give him the ball! Yeah, great idea, BTK! Give the ball to the guy with the ridiculous stats! We can expect more of that this week as the Seahawks WR corps is banged up to all hell. Jerry Rice is hurt. I know, real shocker. Did he break a hip or something? The only healthy receiver is Koren Robinson, so we should expect about 25 dropped passes this game. I’m thinking maybe the Seahawks should have two receivers run the same route, right next to each other, so that when one drops the ball maybe the other will be in position to catch it. Then, instead of getting a ‘dropped pass’ stat, the first WR who drops it can get a ‘passes offensed’ stat. Yes, I just invented a new statistic. Take that, Billy Beane! Right now the 49ers are just awful, awful, awful. If Seattle can’t cover a TD, then they don’t deserve that space needle. They deserve the euthanasia needle.
Picksgiving: Seahawks.
Saints (+6.5) vs. Chargers: Take a good long look in the mirror New Orleans Saints, because you are getting a touchdown vs. the Chargers. The world is basically squatting over your team and taking a shit on you. Ask yourself, are you going to make jambalaya out of it or are you going, uh, to forget to add cajun seasonings? Next question: is this the point where I make a bad "fresh brees" pun like every other hack out there. No. This is where I say that ‘fresh breeze’ is a bad metaphor from a feminine hygiene commercial. Drew was 22 of 25 last week for 5 TDs and no INTs. Somebody smell ‘contract year’ on that ‘fresh breeze?’ But I have sympathy for the man, he did get screwed by the organization and blamed for much of the bad play (and, let’s face it, coaching) around him. I’m not excusing his play last year because it wasn’t pretty. Let’s just hope he gets a big contract in, uh, Miami. Maybe he can get together with Ricky Williams. The comeback kids. The Saints are coming off their bye week. Funny, but it seems like every week is the bye week for the saints, they just sometimes have to go out on the field for it. The Chargers bring in the numero uno run defense. Do you really expect the Saints to make plays through the air? Maybe Donte Stallworthless will make them. Sorry, scratch that, he just got demoted to 3rd string. I worry a bit about the Bolts giving up 6.5, but it is the Saints, after all, and on the road.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Patriots (-2) vs. Rams: Oh no, the glorious Patriots have had their precious streak ended. The British are coming! The British are coming! I’m especially worried about how this loss effect the relationship between Tom Brady and G.W. Will the conservatives abandon Brady now that he’s shown his vulnerability? Or will we invade Foxborough to save them from themselves? Corey Dillon and both Pats CBs are hurt, which doesn’t bode well for the Pats. Last week with Dillon hurt, the Pats’ leading rusher was Kevin Faulk with 4 yards on 5 carries. You’re posting some Bettis-type numbers there, Kev, but without the touchdowns. The Rams are coming off the bye. Sure, they have played down to opponents and their defense has looked suspect at times, but everything points Rams. And we’re all tired of the Pats by now.
Picksgiving: Rams
Texans (+6.5) vs. Broncos: The Texans come in looking to match their single-season record of wins here in Week 9. The Broncos come in having thrown for 499 yards last week and still losing big to the Falcons. Rod Smith had his first 100-yard receiving game since Week 5… of 2003; Reuben Droughns had only 49 yards rushing last week. I don’t see the mile-high air letting the Broncos will by much, given their turnover problems of late.
Picksgiving: Texans
Browns (+6) vs. Ravens: New look Browns match up against the old look Browns. New shit browns against old shit browns. Jamal Lewis is back, and he’s phoning in a huge yardage buy. He’ll take 100 kilos of yardage and a half pound of TDs. But anything he does will no doubt be negated by Kyle Boller and his 3 TDs & 11 INTs in 7 games. Yes, the Ravens lost to the Browns earlier this season, but lately they’ve played tough against good teams, which the Browns aren’t. Sunday night should be the Ravens revenge.
Picksgiving: Ravens
Vikes (+6) vs. Colts: It isn’t so much a battle of wills as a battle of wilts. Both teams are notorious for caving in big games, but the Colts have done much less of that this year and are in a dogfight with the Jags (god, and the Texans) to win their division. The Colts simply must win this game, even if Peyton has to throw for 35 touchdowns. I never thought I’d type this, but the Vikes will miss Mewelde Moore. They’ll also miss Randy Moss, who suits up for one play each week to keep some phony streak alive. Of course, he hasn’t caught a pass since Week 6. Now that’s the kind of Randy Ratio I like.
Picksgiving: Colts.
Bye week: Falcons, Jags, Pack, Titans, electoral sanity.
Best Best (2 per week): Chiefs, Raiders. Fingers crossed.
Errata:
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations):
All the hubbub this week is about TO’s little imitation of Ray Lewis after scoring the winning touchdown in last week’s Eagles-Ravens game. Lewis then called TO a "coward" and TO hit back with comments about Lewis’ involvement in the double-murder trial in Atlanta. Let’s leave the verbal sparring aside and focus, with laser-like intensity as always, on the dance. Basically, TO mockingly imitated another man’s dance. I give him credit for taking the touchdown dance to the meta level and everything, but it’s also pretty stupid. TO was a merchandising major in college (and let’s pretend he attended a single class to get that degree) and his little antics increasingly seem about nothing more than extending the brand of TO. Come on, he wear’s hats with his website address on them. How stupid is that? He’s right to point out the hypocrisy of the league embracing a double-murder suspect but having a hissy fit over a guy with a Sharpie. But TO’s attention-getting-deficit disorder seems ever more unhinged. And his complaints about the league or the press or whoever is supposedly demonizing him reveal a rather strong persecution complex for a successful multi-millionaire. Oh, who cares, I’m sick of TO. I’m giving this week’s award to Johnny Morton and his awesome version of the Worm. That man can break! Too bad he’s too old to get many chances to do it.
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Is it possible that the boner pill commercials have simply become so ubiquitous that I don’t even notice them anymore? I feel like it’s the same old ‘geezers in separate bathtub’ spot or ‘wife looking a little frisky’ ad that’s been running for a couple of season. These boner pill ad campaigns need boner pills of their own. Where’s Ditka dickin’? Where’s that football through the tire? That said, below are the odds for which current player will become a spokesperson in a future boner pill advertising campaign.
Kordell Stewart:
Odds: 100-1.
Nobody sleeps with a loser. Adam, Eve, or Steve.
Ron Dayne:
Odds: 75-1
Known for being incapable of hitting the hole.
Warren Sapp:
Odds: 60-1
Helped by his reputation around the league as a "huge cock."
A.J. Feely:
Odds 30-1
A.J. can you Feely? Pinball wizard. Etc. Etc.
Carson Palmer:
Odds 20-1
Synonymous with performance problems.
Kurt Warner:
Odds: 18-1.
Known for fumbling in the pocket, if you know what I mean.
Tom Brady:
Odds: 10-1.
Harem of slutty Republican chicks requires an 8-hour boner.
Marc Bulger:
Odds 10-1
Put a Bulger in your pocket.
Ricky Williams:
Odds: 8-1.
Is there a drug he isn’t on?
Ben Roethlisberger:
Odds: 5-1.
Even Bigger Ben.
*The Stadium Scene:
On Tuesday, Arlington, Texas voters decided to give the Cowboys a new stadium. Gee, I wonder how they are going to pay for another retractable-roof behemoth? Let’s see:
A 0.5 percent sales tax increase.
A 2 percent hotel-occupancy tax increase.
A 5 percent car-rental tax increase.
Up to a 10 percent ticket tax on events at the stadium.
Up to a $3 parking tax at the stadium.
Those Republicans, so crazy with that tax cutting. Wait a minute…
*10 things that I think that Peter King thinks that he thinks:
1) Does my butt look big in these pants?
2) Does my butt look big out of these pants?
3) If you reverse my names, I am King Peter, lord of all Peters.
4) I drink coffee, like every other person. I feel the need to tell people about it, like few other people.
5) A column called Monday Morning Quarterback is a perfect place to talk endlessly about the Red Sox and girl’s high school field hockey.
6) How much liver can one person eat? Have intern look up on web.
7) When I ride on the train, it goes ‘Choo! Choo!’
8) I have ‘Monday Morning Quarterback,’ Gregg Easterbrook has ‘Tuesday Morning Quarterback,’ and Phil Simms’ new book is called ‘Sunday Morning Quarterback.’ Who in God’s name is doing the afternoon quarterbacking?
9) If I weren’t writing about professional football, I think I’d like to pen a column about midget bowling.
10) My sources inside the league tell me that the Superbowl will be held in Jacksonville this year.
*Look Ma, we’re managing! (NFL executive follies):
Ricky Williams finally got around to applying for reinstatement this week. Here’s one of the articles:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=pasquarelli_len&id=1914446
Through the awesome research power of the internet, I was able to acquire a copy of Ricky’s letter to the league:
Dear Official Head Football Person Guy,
Yo, what up brah? Hey dawg, this is Ricky barkin’ at ya. Man, oh, look dude, I’m like totally sorry about that whole retirement thing. That was, just, like, a phase, man. Not the real me, dude. Not at all. See, I was just like, you know, out there man. Way out there. There were like gazelles and shit where I was. All kind of crazy stuff, man. You really gotta try some of this, man; it’s crazy good, dude. It’ll totally knock you on your ass. I can hook you up with a dude. Yo, Jamal’s got his number on his cellphone. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. True. But what was I sayin’? Oh yeah, that whole ‘I don’t want to play anymore’ thing. That wasn’t me talkin’, I promise. No no no, I’m bein’ serious here. No, listen to me, dude. This is the Rickster talking. The real deal. From the heart, dawg. I don’t know who was saying that shit. But it wasn’t me. I mean, if it was, then I musta, you know, like gotten a bad batch or something….
And so on. That bit isn’t really going anywhere. The stoner voice inflections don’t really jump off the page. But I stand behind the concept. That way you can’t see me.
*In Other News:
Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready to rumble? In one corner we have Keyshawn Johnson and in the other corner we have Pam Oliver. Last week, Oliver reported that on the sideline Keyshawn had yelled at a Cowboys assistant coach. Keyshawn denied it and said, and I quote, "I almost wanted to get on a plane, find where she is at, and sit her down and spank her with a ruler really, really hard, because it makes no sense." When asked what she would do if Johnson tried to spank her, "I will punch him in the face," Oliver said.
Hey Keyshawn, I guess the spanking pick-up line didn’t work. Maybe it’s time to try a couple of new ones. Here’s a few that are bound to work:
Nice legs. What time do they open?
Do you work at Subway? [No, why?] Because you just gave me a 12 incher!
Did you come from hell? Cause your ass is hot!
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me horny.
[Grab her bum] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
I’m just wondering if you are wearing space pants, because your ass is out of this world.
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by again?
Do you want to see something swell?
And if those don’t work for you, Keyshawn, maybe you should use a couple of proven Bevis & Butthead lines:
Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.
What's your sign? Is it "Yield"?
My lips are registered weapons.
I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.
*Herm Edwards insanity watch:
http://www.newsday.com/sports/football/jets/ny-spjets284021539oct28,0,7916234.story?coll=ny-sports-headlines
*Reader Request (and since we have 2 readers, we have to do what they say!)
This week’s reader request: ‘More Matlock.’ No problem!
Viewer Comments:
"Matlock was one of my all time favorite shows, probably because of growing up with Andy. Anyway, I didn't mind it at all that in the first episodes you had Don Knotts as the neighbor, his appearances were few and far between. The first season he had Christine, Linda Purl, for his daughter and assistant. Even when Conrad replaced Keenen it still was alright because the show always explained what and where they went. When Michelle Thomas was his sidekick along with Conrad it just couldn't get any better. But then the assistant he got which was the son of the meanest man which was Ben Matlocks friend from the past, then things started to go downhill. When his sometime girlfriend Julie wasn't on as much giving a little sexual tension between them it started to get bland. But the all time worse move was the ending of one season with a two parter where a rich widow was trying to seduce Ben so he wouldn't nail her with the murder of her husband. It was the run of the mill episode but when the next season started, Ben was suddenly reunited with his now divorce daughter, and guess what it was the same character that played the rich widow that was all over him the season before. Also, there was NO mention of what daughter this was. You always felt that his daughter was Christine, since he only had ONE child, then who was LeAnn, maybe if he worked her into the story as Christine’s older, or half or adopted or whatever sister. But nothing was ever said and that was it for me, I hate it when a show goes along and is good then someone wants to mess with it. Oh and please don’t get me started on the dopey assistants that came after Conrad and Michelle left."
That’s all well and good, but what was Matlock’s QB rating?
"My mother watches this show, and I just don't get how Ben Matlock, a lawyer, makes all this money, and he always eats CHILI DOGS in every freaking episode!! Go to McDonald's or Domino's or something!! Every episode he has a chili dog!!! ARRRGH!!!"
So the man likes chili dogs? You don’t like chili dogs? Freakin’ communist.
"Lemme see if I got this all straight... Ben Matlock was from Mt. Harlan (probably a reference to those Col. Sanders suits.) Cliff Arquette's old hillbilly character Charley Weaver got letters from home from Mount Ivy (or Mount Idie). People riding the Hooterville Cannonball were going to Mount Holly. Mount Pilot was a community on the outskirts of Mayberry. So that means that the guy who said Andy Griffith's Ben Matlock character should retire and go back to Mt. Pilot was referring to a location from the earlier Andy Griffith Show. In other words, HE WAS JOKING. But was the later poster who stated Matlock was from Mt. Harlan, not Mt. Pilot, also joking? Because if he was being serious and just didn't "get" that the Mt. Pilot reference was a joke, then his "get your facts straight" comment seems awfully ironic, and it suggests there are TV fans who know more about Matlock than the far superior Andy Griffith show, which is just plain wrong. I don't know, I guess I just don't "get" this modern conceptual comedy. (I like old fashioned juvenile dirty jokes. "Going to Mount Holly" - get it?)"
I’d say there’s a lot that you don’t "get."
"For 6 seasons, Matlock was one of the best shows on television until it switched from the Peacock (NBC) to ABC in the Fall of 1992. This switch coincided with the departure of Nancy Stafford (who played assistant Michelle Thomas) and Clarence Gilyard (who played P.I. Conrad McMasters) who both left prior to the start of the 1992 TV season. When they were replaced by Brynn Thayer (Matlock's daughter, LeAnn) and Daniel Roebuck (Ben's assistant, Cliff) the traits which made the show great, a compelling mystery laced with timely humor and unique plots were replaced with ridiculous storylines that often were unrelated to the story's central plot. Throughout its first 6 seasons at NBC, the plot always centered around Andy Griffith (Matlock); he always laced Matlock's small-town boyishness with a fiery temper and a Harvard intellect so perfectly that he displayed more depth of character than in "The Andy Griffith Show" of the 1960's. The other characters on Matlock, always played off of Griffith so well, that Matlock was always at the top in the ratings. But when the show went to ABC, Griffith's role (perhaps his choice because of his age) diminished. His daughter, LeAnn, practiced more cases and she often seemed to be the central focus of the plot, instead of Matlock. Griffith, if anything, played more of a supporting role, and with weak actors such as Roebuck and Carol Huston (Jeri), the show suffered enormously. By the last three seasons on ABC, Matlock had turned from a intriguing show of mystery to a watered down version of the old "Nashville Network." The cases were de-emphasized and parodies of Matlock's senility were overemphasized with him playing silly country songs on his guitar and banjo. Funny thing is, the worst of Matlock is still better than some of the "best" stuff that is on network TV now."
I think that’s enough Matlock for a while.
Set my picks free!
¶ 3:25 PM 1 comments
Friday, October 29, 2004
Week 8
He 8 me.
Overall: 49-49-4, thanks week unlucky number 7.
Last Week: 3-10-1, you can see why I’m taking the bye.
Best Bets: 7-6-1, useless.
BB Last Week: 1-1, still yet again another time.
Prologue: It’s BTK’s bye week. Dear Jesus, please let my hammy heal. Thank you.
Packers (-2) vs. Redskins
Picksgiving: Pack
Ravens (+7.5) vs. Eagles
Picksgiving: Eagles
Cardinals (+3) vs. Bills
Picksgiving: Cards
Giants (+6.5) vs. Vikings
Picksgiving: Vikes
Bengals (+3) vs. Titans
Picksgiving: Bengals
Colts (-1) vs. Chiefs
Picksgiving: Colts
Lions (+3) vs. Cowboys
Picksgiving: Lions
Jaguars (+1) vs. Texans
Picksgiving: Jaguars
Falcons (+7) vs. Broncos
Picksgiving: Falcons
Panthers (+8) vs. Seahawks
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Patriots (-3) vs. Steelers
Picksgiving: Pats
Raiders (+6) vs. Chargers
Picksgiving: Chargers
49ers (+1.5) vs. Bears
Picksgiving: 49ers
Dolphins (+7) vs. Jets
Picksgiving: Jets
Bye Week: Browns, Saints, Rams, Bucs, BTK
Best Bet (2 per week): Colts, Jags
We are tired.
¶ 1:13 PM 1 comments
He 8 me.
Overall: 49-49-4, thanks week unlucky number 7.
Last Week: 3-10-1, you can see why I’m taking the bye.
Best Bets: 7-6-1, useless.
BB Last Week: 1-1, still yet again another time.
Prologue: It’s BTK’s bye week. Dear Jesus, please let my hammy heal. Thank you.
Packers (-2) vs. Redskins
Picksgiving: Pack
Ravens (+7.5) vs. Eagles
Picksgiving: Eagles
Cardinals (+3) vs. Bills
Picksgiving: Cards
Giants (+6.5) vs. Vikings
Picksgiving: Vikes
Bengals (+3) vs. Titans
Picksgiving: Bengals
Colts (-1) vs. Chiefs
Picksgiving: Colts
Lions (+3) vs. Cowboys
Picksgiving: Lions
Jaguars (+1) vs. Texans
Picksgiving: Jaguars
Falcons (+7) vs. Broncos
Picksgiving: Falcons
Panthers (+8) vs. Seahawks
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Patriots (-3) vs. Steelers
Picksgiving: Pats
Raiders (+6) vs. Chargers
Picksgiving: Chargers
49ers (+1.5) vs. Bears
Picksgiving: 49ers
Dolphins (+7) vs. Jets
Picksgiving: Jets
Bye Week: Browns, Saints, Rams, Bucs, BTK
Best Bet (2 per week): Colts, Jags
We are tired.
¶ 1:13 PM 1 comments
Friday, October 22, 2004
Week 7
Playing to the base.
Overall: 46-39-3, just ahead of the curve.
Last Week: 8-6, blah.
Best Bets: 6-5-1, can I make some money here?
BB Last Week: 1-1, yet again.
Prologue: Fall Classic my ass. At least they’re overriding the cable game, which I don’t get anyway.
Bills (+5.5) vs. Ravens: How in God’s name are the Ravens getting this many points? We’re talking about an offense that is averaging 19.4 points per game and will be without Jamal Lewis as he begins his two-game "Can I borrow your cell phone to score some blow" drug conspiracy suspension. And they will be facing a rush defense that only allows 90.5 yards/game. What, is Kyle Boller going to get the touchdowns? He does have 2 in 5 games after all. Which means he’s throwing 0.4 touchdowns a game. If the Ravens can score fourteen 0.4 touchdowns, then they can cover by 0.1 points. Baltimore is 30th overall on offense; Buffalo is 27th. Now that’s offensive! The Bills won the battle of the losers last week, squeaking out a win over the Fins (and covering by all of 1 point). "Now we can get off that low horse we were on," said Willis McGahee, who filled in for an injured Travis Henry. Um, Willis, I’m afraid that was a dog you were riding on, and a lapdog at that. You’ve moved up to a mid-sized animal, maybe a labrador or a setter; but with a win here, a pony is definitely within your reach. At the "From Zero to One-Win Hero" Bills-Fins game last week, O.J. Simpson was seen watching the game from a private suite. That seems about right.
Picksgiving: Bills
Lions (+6.5) vs. Giants: The Giants have certainly been one of the surprise teams so far this season. Tiki continues to consume a special diet of magic Jamaican patties and is averaging 6.0 yards per carry and has had four 100-yard games. Kon-Tiki! But the Lions have a decent run defense and should be able to keep Tiki under 100 yards. The question is what the Lions can do on the other side of the ball. Which side of the ball? Oh, I don’t know, the side with the writing on it? Harrington has 8 TDs and only 3 INTs, but hasn’t had a completion over 40 yards. The Giants have gotten surprisingly good play from both the offensive line and the secondary, both assumed to be weakness. They also come off a bye week and the Lions come off a home-loss drubbing by the angry Packers. The line is moving Giants-wards, but the extra week should let the Giants win by a TD. Please no garbage points, G-men!
Picksgiving: Giants
Eagles (-7) vs. Browns: Man, are the Eagles rolling or what? All this swagger must be making their nuts sore. They have won every single game by at least 10 points, yet they continue to get spreads of 7 or 8. Should someone declassify the fact that they are playing the sad-sack Browns? Better yet, get the CIA involved in this, maybe the line will fall to 3 with all the misinformation they can conjure up. Yes, Garcia had 4 TD passes last week against the tanking Bengals, but he can expect a much more aggressive pass rush/blitz as well as better downfield coverage. I pick the picks. Interceptions. Black gold. Touchdowns. Eagles.
Picksgiving: Eagles
Jaguars (+9) vs. Colts: One of the better match-ups of the week, but what the hell is up with this line? If we can assume that the Colts will score 38 points, does that mean that the Jags will have to score six touchdowns in the final minutes? The Jags won their fourth last-minute game last week against the reeling Chiefs. But they will need ball control to stay in it here, and that hasn’t been their strong suit so far this season. It seems unlikely that their vaunted defense can keep up with the Colts at home in the dome off a bye week. Indy won 24-17 in Jax in Week 4. It should be at least 10 this time.
Picksgiving: Colts
Titans (+7) vs. Vikings: So Culpepper is on pace to throw 53 TD passes this year. They can run up the score all they want, they still won’t be in the conference championship game. The Titans are better than their 2-4 record, but they haven’t been able to stop the run and the passing game has floundered at all the wrong times. Hopefully Moss will be hurt. Maybe he can perform his usual antics from the sideline. Or better yet, somebody put him on a stretcher and wheel him into the endzone and tell him to improvise. I’m sure he can put together a little skit involving his helmet, a side judge, and a bedpan. Dante can do a little dance to top it all off. Vikes are due for a choke and the Titans are looking to stay in the wild-card race after last week’s debacle at Houston. Yes, the Titans are giving up 4.6 yards/carry, but what you don’t read about is that the Vikes are giving up 4.9. Chris Brown or Mewelde Moore? Me-what-de Who? Vikes are always good for a choke and while I’d like to get 7.5, I smell the upset. And it smells good.
Picksgiving: Titans
Chargers (+3) vs. Panthers: I’m surprised this line isn’t a bit closer. The Chargers have played well lately now that Drew Brees has discovered that he’s supposed to throw the ball to Chargers players, not opponents. One QB in the game has 9 TDs & 3 INTs and one has 7 TDs and 9 INTs. Las year you would think those were the stats of Jake & Drew, respectively, but it’s a role reversal this year. Now the Del Homey clan wanders the tundra, hoping to spear a penguin for sustenance. But you have to feel a little pity for the Panthers. They have their foot caught in a bear trap right now, and they’re going to have to chew the sucker off to get out of this season. Losing a leg won’t help the running game. At 1-4 they’ve basically said goodbye to the NFC South and with a tough schedule, they have little chance for a wild-card spot. Injuries throughout the offense and defense leave them little to work with in terms of, you know, winning games and stuff. The Chargers should have little trouble moving the ball and the Panthers have yet to show that they deserve being favorites, even by a figgie at home.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Rams (-6) vs. Dolphins: I think the Dolphins’ logo should just go ahead and put on a full set of pads along with its helmet, because things are about to get ugly. While the Miami defense continues to play well, the Miami offense has to take the field at some point. Wait, did I say ‘point’? Because that’s something the Fish haven’t seen much of lately. Points on the scoreboard or the point of continuing this season. Last week Jay Fiedler continued his rampage across the gridiron and threw for 136 yards. Jay, those numbers might kick ass in Pop Warner football, but this is the NFL, dude. You could rush the ball for 136! The whole point of passing is that it gains more yards than rushing. Fiedler has a QB rating of 51.1. Where I come from, that’s failing. The Fishies offense has given up as many touchdowns as it has scored. Now that’s no way to win, but it’s a surefire way to keep the game close. Close enough to lose. The Rams have started to look darn impressive and could give the Seahawks a run for their money in the NFC west. Bulger hucked the ball all over the field last week and Steven Jackson is taking pressure off of Faulk in the run game. The Rams are 27th overall versus the run, but who is going to run the ball for Miami? Jeb Bush? 6 points? Bet your house.
Picksgiving: Rams
Bears (+7) vs. Bucs: 1-4 vs.1-5. These gutter games are getting old. Last week it’s the Bill-Fins and now we get the Bears-Bucs. Four teams on the slow road to nowhere. Thankfully for the Bears, Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman contracted a fateful virus in the backfield and had to be put down by the Bears team veterinarian. They figure it wasn’t worth the cost to send him to a real doctor. Thomas Jones is the Bears leading rusher and receiver. Just go ahead and put him at QB already. The Bucs are fourth overall in defense. They’re also fourth overall in the NFC south. They finally got rid of Keenan McCardell. They got a third & sixth round pick from the Chargers which means they now have the Bolts’ third, fifth, and sixth round picks. Well, they might as well go ahead and start losing all their games. It’s rebuilding time.
Picksgiving: Bears
Falcons (+3.5) vs. Chiefs: Atlanta is third in rushing offense and Kansas City is 23rd in rush defense. That’s pretty much the statistic here. This has to be one of the stranger lines of the week. The Chiefs win one game against the crappy Ravens and all the sudden they’re getting all kind of points. Hell, they got two points last week and still got their ass kicked in Jax. Why should they do any better at home against a far superior team? I don't want to rain on anyone’s parade, but the Chiefs aren’t going to the Superbowl. Atlanta is 5-1; the Chiefs are 1-4. Not to mention that Atlanta is No. 1 against the run, which is basically the only weapon the Chiefs have. The power of the secular Priest and what not. Vick finally showed up last week, albeit in the 4th quarter. No really, the West Coast offense bullshit is working out great, Atlanta being in the East and near no coast. Great idea, guys.
Picksgiving: Falcons
Jets (+6) vs. Patriots: New England is 12th overall on total offense -- 12th running and 12th passing. That one hell of a lot of 12s. This is the big battle of the undefeated teams, but both have relied on easy schedules to pad their Ws. Yes, the Pats beat the Seahawks last week, but they never looked dominating, and the outcome was due more to the mistakes of the Hawks than any brilliance on the part of the Pats. Theses teams historically play close games and I think defense will be key to each side. With similar short-pass styles, the Jets should have an advantage with the better rushing attack and the Jets defense should be able to get pressure on Brady and force him to dump off the ball early. Should be quite a game. And in an even match-up, take the points.
Picksgiving: Jets
Cowboys (+3.5) vs. Packers: The Cowboys have never won in Green Bay. Why would they now?
Picksgiving: Packers
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. Cardinals: The Cards are 27th versus the pass. That doesn’t bode well against a team that looks to take shots down the field. Not to Jerry Rice, of course, who is old and slow and useless. Who cares if he is a future Hall-of-Famer? He’s a future corpse too and you don’t see everyone harping on that one. And what has he done for you lately? Well, he has 5 catches for 67 yards and 0 TDs in three games. That’s not even a good stat for one game. Ugh. I guess I should be droning all about loyalty and employee respect and honoring one of the great players of the game. But come on. This is the same league that fined Jake Plummer every week for wearing Pat Tillman’s number on his head. These are the same players that will break contracts and refuse to play just because they don’t think they’re getting enough money or passes or whatever. Enough with the Jerry Rice. He was a great receiver. Was. His is a sub-par receiver. Is. Let’s just keep that in the forefront. For a team that got into the playoffs, the Seahawks have been handed yet another easy schedule. They’re 3-0 vs. the Saints, Bucs, & 49ers. But they’ve given up 63 points to the Rams & Pats the last two weeks. The Cards have played good defense this season, but they looked to be overmatched here.
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Saints (+3) vs. Raiders: Saint Shit, patron saint of the New Orleans football franchise. He is worshipped for performing small miracles involving taking a talented football team and turning them into crap. There are frequent sightings of him in outhouses all around the world. He is recognized by his stigmata, which is a football bleeding out if his palm and falling into the hands of the opposing team. The Saints are 31st vs. the run and 29th vs. the pass. They are allowing 414.2 yards per game, worst in the NFL. Those are just terrible numbers. This battle of 2-4 teams won’t be so much a scoring contest as a contest to see which team can have more turnovers. Brooks has 6 fumbles in 6 games and Collins has 8 interceptions in 3 games. With the proximity of ‘The Black Hole,’ maybe all these turnovers will, like, be sucked into a different dimension or something. We can at least be certain there will be sucking involved. The Broncos crushed the Raiders at home last week, so these obligatory home points don’t mean much. Both teams are coming off three-game losing streaks. This is a good game… for me to poop on!
Picksgiving: Saints
Broncos (-6) vs. Bengals
The Broncos ran 55 times last week, 123 times in their last three games. I’ll have a Reuben please, hold the Droughns with a side of, uh, Plummer pudding. Also the horsies are fourth vs. the run, second vs. the pass and they've allowed just three points in the fourth quarter. They’ve also allowed only 77 points in six games. None too shabby. The Bengals continue to falter when they get behind and are forced to throw. Rudi Johnson has had a disappointing season with only 412 yards (3.8 yards/carry) and 2 TDs. Palmer is getting only 5.8 yards/pass and has a 59.6 QB rating. Those numbers aren’t going to get you first downs. And Plummer’s ability to pass downfield will limit the Bengals’ attempts to stuff the run. This is the first Monday night home game for the Bengals since 1989. They’ll hope it’s their last.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Bye: Texans, Steelers, 49ers, Redskins
Best Bet: Bolts, Rams (man I want the Saints getting points vs. the Raiders, but I’ve got to stick with the no-Saints rule for at least a couple of weeks).
Errata:
* Look Ma We’re Managing!
According the Peter King, the NFL is now in discussions about the future of its television contracts. Needless to say, overshadowing this is the miserable NFL Network, with its terrible promo spots and meager programming (not to mention that nobody carries it). One of the issues under discussion is moving more of the late-season games to cable beyond just the Sunday night game. It continues to amaze me that the NFL goes out of its way to make its programming inaccessible. The NFL is certainly the envy of every professional sport in national appeal, quality, and marketing power. Yet they continue, time and time again, to limit access to their product. I like football. I don’t have cable. Some of us can’t afford it. Nobody has Direct TV. Nobody gets the NFL Network. What they shouldn’t do is move games to TNT and Spike (two suitors) and start putting games on Wednesday or Thursday nights. I have enough trouble keeping up with the Sunday/Monday games. What I don’t need in another night spent in front of the idiot box. NFL, who is your daddy? Oh, right, the almighty dollar. Guess I forgot for a second.
* Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
Hey ABC, a 50-yard pass = an 88-mph fastball = 100% stupid.
* Tiki’s Fake (‘Tiki’s Take’ Rewritten):
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/7812438
The bye week is always a natural time to reflect on Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. It's a good, long break from salad, which is a great time to clear your mind and eat some fucking patties. Coach (Tom) Coughlin was even good enough to give us a lot of time off last week, which was an added bonus.
Over the past week, I spent a lot of time thinking about patties. As I've said before, our 4-1 record is a surprise to everyone, except the fine people at Golden Krust! But let's be honest … no one is talking about potato bread this week. The story of the week has been Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties and everyone in cities has been captivated by them, including me!
I know how intense Caribbean cuisine is. When the Cowboys, Redskins or Eagles come to town, it's just natural to focus a little bit more and to get just a little more pumped up for some delicious patties. Not that we don't prepare hard for every meal, but you know how it is. It's one thing when you get into a pickup game on the playground; it's an entirely different level of concentration and effort when you visit a Golden Krust and chaw down on some motherfucking sweet-ass patties.
So when I watched the Golden and Krust slug it out night after night, it just amazed me how they're able to consume such intense, nail-biting goodness and then go right back out the next night and eat them again. I really just can't imagine how they do it day after day. Every patty means so much in the food business. One good patty and you're closer to Patty Nirvana. One bum patty and you're closer to spending a long winter at the toilet. The ebbs and flows of patties are draining, as much to the bakers as the diners
But what's interesting to me is that as scrumscious and delicious as October Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties are, that is what they’re like every week during the NFL regular season. In a sport where we play only 16 games, every meal is huge. A loss against a division rival is a devastating blow. On the flip side, a huge come-from-behind patty will give you a natural high that will carry you along for a week. In the course of a month, we eat 400 Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. Think about that. It's already deep into October and we've only eaten 150 patties and yet each one was as meaningful as a mouthful of patties for breakfast.
That's why patties are great. In Golden Krust you eat and eat day-to-day, the gambit of flavors changing by the minute. Yet in football, the emotions of one 60-minute meal of patties last you an entire week! I admire Golden Krust Jamaican Patties, but I sure wouldn't trade places with them. Otherwise somebody would eat me.
* In Other News:
That crazy iconoclast John McCain is at it again! For those who didn’t know, McCain sent a letter to the NFL commissioner complaining about the NFL fining Jake Plummer for wearing a sticker with Pat Tillman’s number on his helmet. Go here for the letter:
http://www.friendsofmccain.com/news/dspnews.cfm?id=172
While Plummer and the NFL eventually settled out of, uh, field-goal range, McCain called the league ‘idiots’ for the fine and condemned them for their myopic disciplinarianism. This week, McCain again found issue with the league and sent the following letter:
Mr. Paul J. Tagliabue
CommissionerNational Football League
280 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Dear Mr. Tailgate:
I am writing to urge you to reconsider your decision to prevent Terrell Owens, receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, and a former stand-up comedian and friend of Rodney Dangerfield, from wearing Mr. Dangerfield’s name on his jock strap and cup in memory of this fallen hero. In making your decision, I fear you have sent a message that League policy is more important than goin-located memorials to those who have made us laugh.
When Rodney told a joke about getting no respect, he set aside the comforts that he enjoyed as a professional entertainer and answered a higher calling of duty to his country. His decision exemplified patriotism and a commitment to a common cause. Rodney Dangerfield left this world as a protector of our sense of humor, the same humor that your League enjoys each Sunday when teams like the Bears and Bucs meet. He died so that we as Americans can enjoy our way of life and express ourselves in the way that Terrell Owens now seeks to express himself by having Dangerfield stenciled across his cup, the very padding that protects his manhood.
While I understand that it is a policy of your League to disallow any player from varying in his apparel so as to protect the image and uniformity of the League, this seems more a fixation with the letter of the groin. An observance of the spirit of the law would yield an acknowledgment that Owens’ act is not one of selfishness, or an attempt to draw attention to his "package" at the expense of other players’ packages, but rather a humble tribute to a fallen hero and friend who also doesn’t get the amount of respect he deserves, dammit.
America is at war, a war that has cost our nation many of our finest citizens as well as our finest groins. We must celebrate, not ignore, the commitment to duty and sacrifice of our members, particularly those who served when they were not jock strapped.
Once again, I urge you to reconsider your decision.
Sincerely,
John McCain
Also, this week brings Jeff Garcia and T.O. back together. T.O. keeps claiming that Garcia is gay, but here’s a news story:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylc=X3oDMTBpZ2NvMjltBF9TAzk1ODYxMDU5BHNlYwN0aA--?slug=ap-browns-garcia-playmate&prov=ap&type=lgns
Jeff Garcia had a Playmate girlfriend! Damnation! And here’s what a Google image search reveals (Warning: it reveals a lot! She’s a Playmate after all! Not safe for work, as the kids say!)
http://images.google.com/images?q=Carmella+DeCesare+&imgsz=xxlarge&hl=en&lr=&filter=0
* FUMBLE! (Communist Version)
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/10/21/Castro.concern/
This week in mortality:
http://college3.nytimes.com/guests/articles/2004/10/10/1186435.xml
Jacques Derrida, the Algerian-born, French quarterback who became one of the most celebrated and notoriously difficult passers of the late 20th century, died Friday at a Paris hospital, the French president’s office announced. He had a QB rating of 74.
Mr. Derrida was known as the father of incompletions, the method of passing that asserted that all passes were full of confusion and contradiction, and that the quarterback’s intent could not overcome the inherent contradictions of passing itself, robbing receivers - whether wide-outs, running backs or tight ends - of completions, statistics, and touchdowns. The concept was eventually applied to the whole gamut of offense and defense, including sacks, fumbles, blocking schemes, even gameplans.
While he had a huge following - larger in the United States than in Europe - he was the target of as much anger as admiration. For many Americans, in particular, he was the personification of a West Coast school of thinking they felt was undermining many of the traditional standards of football, and one they often associated with divisive playcalling.
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations)
A brief history of the touchdown dance:
http://www.jsonline.com/packer/sbxxxiii/news/dance120998.asp
* Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Bears vs. Bucs (played on all-pro mode; videogames are all about pretend, right?)
In the first quarter, the computer-controlled Bucs stormed down the field and scored on a Mike Alstott run. My PS2 dual shock controller is destroyed upon suffering what must be one shock too many. Which would be three, I guess.
Late in the third quarter, Rex Grossman (injured in real-life, but still s shitty QB in the virtual world) throws an interception in the endzone. The PS2 was then kicked for the PAT.
After losing horribly to the videogame system, I then declared the PS2 to be BS1.
* Quote of the Week:
"If they [referees] want to put skirts on the offensive players, then put skirts and pumps on them and let them play another game," Raiders cornerback Phillip Buchanon said.
He then added that he would be willing to pay to watch that game.
* Footballweb:
(for those who haven’t seen it):
http://webpages.marshall.edu/~leftwich1/
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Vol. 1: This is verbatim from an Anheuser-Busch press release: "…As the industry leader, Anheuser-Busch is the first major brewer to infuse beer with caffeine, guarana and ginseng. Well balanced with select hops and aromas of blackberry, raspberry and cherry, BE will offer a lightly sweet and tart taste - a great mixture of beer and new flavors for adults to enjoy when out with friends at a club or at a bar after work with colleagues."
Yes, it’s called ‘B-to-the-E.’ Here’s the press release:
http://www.anheuser-busch.com/news/BtoE_100404.htm
Now everybody knows that BeerTarts are my favorite candy and all, but still. This is pathetic. Guarana? Ginseng? Aroma of raspberry? Why not just put some Eye-of-Newt in there as well? Does B-to-the-E come with its own little paper umbrella? Maybe a twisty straw? And is there coconut flavor or isn’t there?
"We created a great new drink that's outside the boundaries of the taste adults would expect from a traditional beer," said Nathaniel Davis, brewmaster, Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
You can write your own joke to that comment. Yes, outside the boundaries, over in Pukesylvania. Am I allowed to speculate that America has reached it cultural endpoint once beer and energy drinks have fused? How long until a Junior Ad Exec is ordering a B-to-the-E and vodka? Has that rough beast reached Bethlehem yet? What’s taking it so damn long?
Hey I’ve got a better name for your stupid energy beer: B-to-the-A-to-the-R-to-the-F.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Before last week’s battle between the solids and the stripes, Chad Johnson sent the Browns secondary bottles of Pepto Bismal. "I sent all the Browns DBs some Pepto Bismol, to cure them of their sickness," said Johnson. "They're going to get tired of covering me." Tired or sick? I’m confused? Please, Chad Johnson, beacon of clarity, explain it to me. Needless to say, this is the same Chad Johnson who, before many games last year, would guarantee a Bengals victory (which a coin-flip-like precision, I might add). Do I even need to say that the Bengals lost 34-17 and Chad had 3 catches for 37 yards? Maybe the Browns secondary should send him some KY so that next time the reaming won’t be so painful…
In other news of the idiotic, Vikes WR Kelly Campbell has gotten two unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties for excessive celebrations this year. Campbell claims that no matter the fines imposed by the league, he’s going to keep on with his celebrating ways. "Y'all know what I'm gonna do," he said after the game. "I'm going to crank that thing on up out there. You can't control it. It's a Campbell virus."
Um, please don’t tell me the Campbell virus vaccine shots are in short supply too.
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
AKA the ‘where are they now?’ file.
http://www.viacom.com/press.tin?ixPressRelease=80103995
Now you Seahorn. Now you don’t.
¶ 5:41 PM 1 comments
Playing to the base.
Overall: 46-39-3, just ahead of the curve.
Last Week: 8-6, blah.
Best Bets: 6-5-1, can I make some money here?
BB Last Week: 1-1, yet again.
Prologue: Fall Classic my ass. At least they’re overriding the cable game, which I don’t get anyway.
Bills (+5.5) vs. Ravens: How in God’s name are the Ravens getting this many points? We’re talking about an offense that is averaging 19.4 points per game and will be without Jamal Lewis as he begins his two-game "Can I borrow your cell phone to score some blow" drug conspiracy suspension. And they will be facing a rush defense that only allows 90.5 yards/game. What, is Kyle Boller going to get the touchdowns? He does have 2 in 5 games after all. Which means he’s throwing 0.4 touchdowns a game. If the Ravens can score fourteen 0.4 touchdowns, then they can cover by 0.1 points. Baltimore is 30th overall on offense; Buffalo is 27th. Now that’s offensive! The Bills won the battle of the losers last week, squeaking out a win over the Fins (and covering by all of 1 point). "Now we can get off that low horse we were on," said Willis McGahee, who filled in for an injured Travis Henry. Um, Willis, I’m afraid that was a dog you were riding on, and a lapdog at that. You’ve moved up to a mid-sized animal, maybe a labrador or a setter; but with a win here, a pony is definitely within your reach. At the "From Zero to One-Win Hero" Bills-Fins game last week, O.J. Simpson was seen watching the game from a private suite. That seems about right.
Picksgiving: Bills
Lions (+6.5) vs. Giants: The Giants have certainly been one of the surprise teams so far this season. Tiki continues to consume a special diet of magic Jamaican patties and is averaging 6.0 yards per carry and has had four 100-yard games. Kon-Tiki! But the Lions have a decent run defense and should be able to keep Tiki under 100 yards. The question is what the Lions can do on the other side of the ball. Which side of the ball? Oh, I don’t know, the side with the writing on it? Harrington has 8 TDs and only 3 INTs, but hasn’t had a completion over 40 yards. The Giants have gotten surprisingly good play from both the offensive line and the secondary, both assumed to be weakness. They also come off a bye week and the Lions come off a home-loss drubbing by the angry Packers. The line is moving Giants-wards, but the extra week should let the Giants win by a TD. Please no garbage points, G-men!
Picksgiving: Giants
Eagles (-7) vs. Browns: Man, are the Eagles rolling or what? All this swagger must be making their nuts sore. They have won every single game by at least 10 points, yet they continue to get spreads of 7 or 8. Should someone declassify the fact that they are playing the sad-sack Browns? Better yet, get the CIA involved in this, maybe the line will fall to 3 with all the misinformation they can conjure up. Yes, Garcia had 4 TD passes last week against the tanking Bengals, but he can expect a much more aggressive pass rush/blitz as well as better downfield coverage. I pick the picks. Interceptions. Black gold. Touchdowns. Eagles.
Picksgiving: Eagles
Jaguars (+9) vs. Colts: One of the better match-ups of the week, but what the hell is up with this line? If we can assume that the Colts will score 38 points, does that mean that the Jags will have to score six touchdowns in the final minutes? The Jags won their fourth last-minute game last week against the reeling Chiefs. But they will need ball control to stay in it here, and that hasn’t been their strong suit so far this season. It seems unlikely that their vaunted defense can keep up with the Colts at home in the dome off a bye week. Indy won 24-17 in Jax in Week 4. It should be at least 10 this time.
Picksgiving: Colts
Titans (+7) vs. Vikings: So Culpepper is on pace to throw 53 TD passes this year. They can run up the score all they want, they still won’t be in the conference championship game. The Titans are better than their 2-4 record, but they haven’t been able to stop the run and the passing game has floundered at all the wrong times. Hopefully Moss will be hurt. Maybe he can perform his usual antics from the sideline. Or better yet, somebody put him on a stretcher and wheel him into the endzone and tell him to improvise. I’m sure he can put together a little skit involving his helmet, a side judge, and a bedpan. Dante can do a little dance to top it all off. Vikes are due for a choke and the Titans are looking to stay in the wild-card race after last week’s debacle at Houston. Yes, the Titans are giving up 4.6 yards/carry, but what you don’t read about is that the Vikes are giving up 4.9. Chris Brown or Mewelde Moore? Me-what-de Who? Vikes are always good for a choke and while I’d like to get 7.5, I smell the upset. And it smells good.
Picksgiving: Titans
Chargers (+3) vs. Panthers: I’m surprised this line isn’t a bit closer. The Chargers have played well lately now that Drew Brees has discovered that he’s supposed to throw the ball to Chargers players, not opponents. One QB in the game has 9 TDs & 3 INTs and one has 7 TDs and 9 INTs. Las year you would think those were the stats of Jake & Drew, respectively, but it’s a role reversal this year. Now the Del Homey clan wanders the tundra, hoping to spear a penguin for sustenance. But you have to feel a little pity for the Panthers. They have their foot caught in a bear trap right now, and they’re going to have to chew the sucker off to get out of this season. Losing a leg won’t help the running game. At 1-4 they’ve basically said goodbye to the NFC South and with a tough schedule, they have little chance for a wild-card spot. Injuries throughout the offense and defense leave them little to work with in terms of, you know, winning games and stuff. The Chargers should have little trouble moving the ball and the Panthers have yet to show that they deserve being favorites, even by a figgie at home.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Rams (-6) vs. Dolphins: I think the Dolphins’ logo should just go ahead and put on a full set of pads along with its helmet, because things are about to get ugly. While the Miami defense continues to play well, the Miami offense has to take the field at some point. Wait, did I say ‘point’? Because that’s something the Fish haven’t seen much of lately. Points on the scoreboard or the point of continuing this season. Last week Jay Fiedler continued his rampage across the gridiron and threw for 136 yards. Jay, those numbers might kick ass in Pop Warner football, but this is the NFL, dude. You could rush the ball for 136! The whole point of passing is that it gains more yards than rushing. Fiedler has a QB rating of 51.1. Where I come from, that’s failing. The Fishies offense has given up as many touchdowns as it has scored. Now that’s no way to win, but it’s a surefire way to keep the game close. Close enough to lose. The Rams have started to look darn impressive and could give the Seahawks a run for their money in the NFC west. Bulger hucked the ball all over the field last week and Steven Jackson is taking pressure off of Faulk in the run game. The Rams are 27th overall versus the run, but who is going to run the ball for Miami? Jeb Bush? 6 points? Bet your house.
Picksgiving: Rams
Bears (+7) vs. Bucs: 1-4 vs.1-5. These gutter games are getting old. Last week it’s the Bill-Fins and now we get the Bears-Bucs. Four teams on the slow road to nowhere. Thankfully for the Bears, Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman contracted a fateful virus in the backfield and had to be put down by the Bears team veterinarian. They figure it wasn’t worth the cost to send him to a real doctor. Thomas Jones is the Bears leading rusher and receiver. Just go ahead and put him at QB already. The Bucs are fourth overall in defense. They’re also fourth overall in the NFC south. They finally got rid of Keenan McCardell. They got a third & sixth round pick from the Chargers which means they now have the Bolts’ third, fifth, and sixth round picks. Well, they might as well go ahead and start losing all their games. It’s rebuilding time.
Picksgiving: Bears
Falcons (+3.5) vs. Chiefs: Atlanta is third in rushing offense and Kansas City is 23rd in rush defense. That’s pretty much the statistic here. This has to be one of the stranger lines of the week. The Chiefs win one game against the crappy Ravens and all the sudden they’re getting all kind of points. Hell, they got two points last week and still got their ass kicked in Jax. Why should they do any better at home against a far superior team? I don't want to rain on anyone’s parade, but the Chiefs aren’t going to the Superbowl. Atlanta is 5-1; the Chiefs are 1-4. Not to mention that Atlanta is No. 1 against the run, which is basically the only weapon the Chiefs have. The power of the secular Priest and what not. Vick finally showed up last week, albeit in the 4th quarter. No really, the West Coast offense bullshit is working out great, Atlanta being in the East and near no coast. Great idea, guys.
Picksgiving: Falcons
Jets (+6) vs. Patriots: New England is 12th overall on total offense -- 12th running and 12th passing. That one hell of a lot of 12s. This is the big battle of the undefeated teams, but both have relied on easy schedules to pad their Ws. Yes, the Pats beat the Seahawks last week, but they never looked dominating, and the outcome was due more to the mistakes of the Hawks than any brilliance on the part of the Pats. Theses teams historically play close games and I think defense will be key to each side. With similar short-pass styles, the Jets should have an advantage with the better rushing attack and the Jets defense should be able to get pressure on Brady and force him to dump off the ball early. Should be quite a game. And in an even match-up, take the points.
Picksgiving: Jets
Cowboys (+3.5) vs. Packers: The Cowboys have never won in Green Bay. Why would they now?
Picksgiving: Packers
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. Cardinals: The Cards are 27th versus the pass. That doesn’t bode well against a team that looks to take shots down the field. Not to Jerry Rice, of course, who is old and slow and useless. Who cares if he is a future Hall-of-Famer? He’s a future corpse too and you don’t see everyone harping on that one. And what has he done for you lately? Well, he has 5 catches for 67 yards and 0 TDs in three games. That’s not even a good stat for one game. Ugh. I guess I should be droning all about loyalty and employee respect and honoring one of the great players of the game. But come on. This is the same league that fined Jake Plummer every week for wearing Pat Tillman’s number on his head. These are the same players that will break contracts and refuse to play just because they don’t think they’re getting enough money or passes or whatever. Enough with the Jerry Rice. He was a great receiver. Was. His is a sub-par receiver. Is. Let’s just keep that in the forefront. For a team that got into the playoffs, the Seahawks have been handed yet another easy schedule. They’re 3-0 vs. the Saints, Bucs, & 49ers. But they’ve given up 63 points to the Rams & Pats the last two weeks. The Cards have played good defense this season, but they looked to be overmatched here.
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Saints (+3) vs. Raiders: Saint Shit, patron saint of the New Orleans football franchise. He is worshipped for performing small miracles involving taking a talented football team and turning them into crap. There are frequent sightings of him in outhouses all around the world. He is recognized by his stigmata, which is a football bleeding out if his palm and falling into the hands of the opposing team. The Saints are 31st vs. the run and 29th vs. the pass. They are allowing 414.2 yards per game, worst in the NFL. Those are just terrible numbers. This battle of 2-4 teams won’t be so much a scoring contest as a contest to see which team can have more turnovers. Brooks has 6 fumbles in 6 games and Collins has 8 interceptions in 3 games. With the proximity of ‘The Black Hole,’ maybe all these turnovers will, like, be sucked into a different dimension or something. We can at least be certain there will be sucking involved. The Broncos crushed the Raiders at home last week, so these obligatory home points don’t mean much. Both teams are coming off three-game losing streaks. This is a good game… for me to poop on!
Picksgiving: Saints
Broncos (-6) vs. Bengals
The Broncos ran 55 times last week, 123 times in their last three games. I’ll have a Reuben please, hold the Droughns with a side of, uh, Plummer pudding. Also the horsies are fourth vs. the run, second vs. the pass and they've allowed just three points in the fourth quarter. They’ve also allowed only 77 points in six games. None too shabby. The Bengals continue to falter when they get behind and are forced to throw. Rudi Johnson has had a disappointing season with only 412 yards (3.8 yards/carry) and 2 TDs. Palmer is getting only 5.8 yards/pass and has a 59.6 QB rating. Those numbers aren’t going to get you first downs. And Plummer’s ability to pass downfield will limit the Bengals’ attempts to stuff the run. This is the first Monday night home game for the Bengals since 1989. They’ll hope it’s their last.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Bye: Texans, Steelers, 49ers, Redskins
Best Bet: Bolts, Rams (man I want the Saints getting points vs. the Raiders, but I’ve got to stick with the no-Saints rule for at least a couple of weeks).
Errata:
* Look Ma We’re Managing!
According the Peter King, the NFL is now in discussions about the future of its television contracts. Needless to say, overshadowing this is the miserable NFL Network, with its terrible promo spots and meager programming (not to mention that nobody carries it). One of the issues under discussion is moving more of the late-season games to cable beyond just the Sunday night game. It continues to amaze me that the NFL goes out of its way to make its programming inaccessible. The NFL is certainly the envy of every professional sport in national appeal, quality, and marketing power. Yet they continue, time and time again, to limit access to their product. I like football. I don’t have cable. Some of us can’t afford it. Nobody has Direct TV. Nobody gets the NFL Network. What they shouldn’t do is move games to TNT and Spike (two suitors) and start putting games on Wednesday or Thursday nights. I have enough trouble keeping up with the Sunday/Monday games. What I don’t need in another night spent in front of the idiot box. NFL, who is your daddy? Oh, right, the almighty dollar. Guess I forgot for a second.
* Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
Hey ABC, a 50-yard pass = an 88-mph fastball = 100% stupid.
* Tiki’s Fake (‘Tiki’s Take’ Rewritten):
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/7812438
The bye week is always a natural time to reflect on Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. It's a good, long break from salad, which is a great time to clear your mind and eat some fucking patties. Coach (Tom) Coughlin was even good enough to give us a lot of time off last week, which was an added bonus.
Over the past week, I spent a lot of time thinking about patties. As I've said before, our 4-1 record is a surprise to everyone, except the fine people at Golden Krust! But let's be honest … no one is talking about potato bread this week. The story of the week has been Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties and everyone in cities has been captivated by them, including me!
I know how intense Caribbean cuisine is. When the Cowboys, Redskins or Eagles come to town, it's just natural to focus a little bit more and to get just a little more pumped up for some delicious patties. Not that we don't prepare hard for every meal, but you know how it is. It's one thing when you get into a pickup game on the playground; it's an entirely different level of concentration and effort when you visit a Golden Krust and chaw down on some motherfucking sweet-ass patties.
So when I watched the Golden and Krust slug it out night after night, it just amazed me how they're able to consume such intense, nail-biting goodness and then go right back out the next night and eat them again. I really just can't imagine how they do it day after day. Every patty means so much in the food business. One good patty and you're closer to Patty Nirvana. One bum patty and you're closer to spending a long winter at the toilet. The ebbs and flows of patties are draining, as much to the bakers as the diners
But what's interesting to me is that as scrumscious and delicious as October Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties are, that is what they’re like every week during the NFL regular season. In a sport where we play only 16 games, every meal is huge. A loss against a division rival is a devastating blow. On the flip side, a huge come-from-behind patty will give you a natural high that will carry you along for a week. In the course of a month, we eat 400 Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. Think about that. It's already deep into October and we've only eaten 150 patties and yet each one was as meaningful as a mouthful of patties for breakfast.
That's why patties are great. In Golden Krust you eat and eat day-to-day, the gambit of flavors changing by the minute. Yet in football, the emotions of one 60-minute meal of patties last you an entire week! I admire Golden Krust Jamaican Patties, but I sure wouldn't trade places with them. Otherwise somebody would eat me.
* In Other News:
That crazy iconoclast John McCain is at it again! For those who didn’t know, McCain sent a letter to the NFL commissioner complaining about the NFL fining Jake Plummer for wearing a sticker with Pat Tillman’s number on his helmet. Go here for the letter:
http://www.friendsofmccain.com/news/dspnews.cfm?id=172
While Plummer and the NFL eventually settled out of, uh, field-goal range, McCain called the league ‘idiots’ for the fine and condemned them for their myopic disciplinarianism. This week, McCain again found issue with the league and sent the following letter:
Mr. Paul J. Tagliabue
CommissionerNational Football League
280 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Dear Mr. Tailgate:
I am writing to urge you to reconsider your decision to prevent Terrell Owens, receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, and a former stand-up comedian and friend of Rodney Dangerfield, from wearing Mr. Dangerfield’s name on his jock strap and cup in memory of this fallen hero. In making your decision, I fear you have sent a message that League policy is more important than goin-located memorials to those who have made us laugh.
When Rodney told a joke about getting no respect, he set aside the comforts that he enjoyed as a professional entertainer and answered a higher calling of duty to his country. His decision exemplified patriotism and a commitment to a common cause. Rodney Dangerfield left this world as a protector of our sense of humor, the same humor that your League enjoys each Sunday when teams like the Bears and Bucs meet. He died so that we as Americans can enjoy our way of life and express ourselves in the way that Terrell Owens now seeks to express himself by having Dangerfield stenciled across his cup, the very padding that protects his manhood.
While I understand that it is a policy of your League to disallow any player from varying in his apparel so as to protect the image and uniformity of the League, this seems more a fixation with the letter of the groin. An observance of the spirit of the law would yield an acknowledgment that Owens’ act is not one of selfishness, or an attempt to draw attention to his "package" at the expense of other players’ packages, but rather a humble tribute to a fallen hero and friend who also doesn’t get the amount of respect he deserves, dammit.
America is at war, a war that has cost our nation many of our finest citizens as well as our finest groins. We must celebrate, not ignore, the commitment to duty and sacrifice of our members, particularly those who served when they were not jock strapped.
Once again, I urge you to reconsider your decision.
Sincerely,
John McCain
Also, this week brings Jeff Garcia and T.O. back together. T.O. keeps claiming that Garcia is gay, but here’s a news story:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylc=X3oDMTBpZ2NvMjltBF9TAzk1ODYxMDU5BHNlYwN0aA--?slug=ap-browns-garcia-playmate&prov=ap&type=lgns
Jeff Garcia had a Playmate girlfriend! Damnation! And here’s what a Google image search reveals (Warning: it reveals a lot! She’s a Playmate after all! Not safe for work, as the kids say!)
http://images.google.com/images?q=Carmella+DeCesare+&imgsz=xxlarge&hl=en&lr=&filter=0
* FUMBLE! (Communist Version)
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/10/21/Castro.concern/
This week in mortality:
http://college3.nytimes.com/guests/articles/2004/10/10/1186435.xml
Jacques Derrida, the Algerian-born, French quarterback who became one of the most celebrated and notoriously difficult passers of the late 20th century, died Friday at a Paris hospital, the French president’s office announced. He had a QB rating of 74.
Mr. Derrida was known as the father of incompletions, the method of passing that asserted that all passes were full of confusion and contradiction, and that the quarterback’s intent could not overcome the inherent contradictions of passing itself, robbing receivers - whether wide-outs, running backs or tight ends - of completions, statistics, and touchdowns. The concept was eventually applied to the whole gamut of offense and defense, including sacks, fumbles, blocking schemes, even gameplans.
While he had a huge following - larger in the United States than in Europe - he was the target of as much anger as admiration. For many Americans, in particular, he was the personification of a West Coast school of thinking they felt was undermining many of the traditional standards of football, and one they often associated with divisive playcalling.
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations)
A brief history of the touchdown dance:
http://www.jsonline.com/packer/sbxxxiii/news/dance120998.asp
* Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Bears vs. Bucs (played on all-pro mode; videogames are all about pretend, right?)
In the first quarter, the computer-controlled Bucs stormed down the field and scored on a Mike Alstott run. My PS2 dual shock controller is destroyed upon suffering what must be one shock too many. Which would be three, I guess.
Late in the third quarter, Rex Grossman (injured in real-life, but still s shitty QB in the virtual world) throws an interception in the endzone. The PS2 was then kicked for the PAT.
After losing horribly to the videogame system, I then declared the PS2 to be BS1.
* Quote of the Week:
"If they [referees] want to put skirts on the offensive players, then put skirts and pumps on them and let them play another game," Raiders cornerback Phillip Buchanon said.
He then added that he would be willing to pay to watch that game.
* Footballweb:
(for those who haven’t seen it):
http://webpages.marshall.edu/~leftwich1/
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Vol. 1: This is verbatim from an Anheuser-Busch press release: "…As the industry leader, Anheuser-Busch is the first major brewer to infuse beer with caffeine, guarana and ginseng. Well balanced with select hops and aromas of blackberry, raspberry and cherry, BE will offer a lightly sweet and tart taste - a great mixture of beer and new flavors for adults to enjoy when out with friends at a club or at a bar after work with colleagues."
Yes, it’s called ‘B-to-the-E.’ Here’s the press release:
http://www.anheuser-busch.com/news/BtoE_100404.htm
Now everybody knows that BeerTarts are my favorite candy and all, but still. This is pathetic. Guarana? Ginseng? Aroma of raspberry? Why not just put some Eye-of-Newt in there as well? Does B-to-the-E come with its own little paper umbrella? Maybe a twisty straw? And is there coconut flavor or isn’t there?
"We created a great new drink that's outside the boundaries of the taste adults would expect from a traditional beer," said Nathaniel Davis, brewmaster, Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
You can write your own joke to that comment. Yes, outside the boundaries, over in Pukesylvania. Am I allowed to speculate that America has reached it cultural endpoint once beer and energy drinks have fused? How long until a Junior Ad Exec is ordering a B-to-the-E and vodka? Has that rough beast reached Bethlehem yet? What’s taking it so damn long?
Hey I’ve got a better name for your stupid energy beer: B-to-the-A-to-the-R-to-the-F.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Before last week’s battle between the solids and the stripes, Chad Johnson sent the Browns secondary bottles of Pepto Bismal. "I sent all the Browns DBs some Pepto Bismol, to cure them of their sickness," said Johnson. "They're going to get tired of covering me." Tired or sick? I’m confused? Please, Chad Johnson, beacon of clarity, explain it to me. Needless to say, this is the same Chad Johnson who, before many games last year, would guarantee a Bengals victory (which a coin-flip-like precision, I might add). Do I even need to say that the Bengals lost 34-17 and Chad had 3 catches for 37 yards? Maybe the Browns secondary should send him some KY so that next time the reaming won’t be so painful…
In other news of the idiotic, Vikes WR Kelly Campbell has gotten two unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties for excessive celebrations this year. Campbell claims that no matter the fines imposed by the league, he’s going to keep on with his celebrating ways. "Y'all know what I'm gonna do," he said after the game. "I'm going to crank that thing on up out there. You can't control it. It's a Campbell virus."
Um, please don’t tell me the Campbell virus vaccine shots are in short supply too.
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
AKA the ‘where are they now?’ file.
http://www.viacom.com/press.tin?ixPressRelease=80103995
Now you Seahorn. Now you don’t.
¶ 5:41 PM 1 comments
