Friday, October 22, 2004
Week 7
Playing to the base.
Overall: 46-39-3, just ahead of the curve.
Last Week: 8-6, blah.
Best Bets: 6-5-1, can I make some money here?
BB Last Week: 1-1, yet again.
Prologue: Fall Classic my ass. At least they’re overriding the cable game, which I don’t get anyway.
Bills (+5.5) vs. Ravens: How in God’s name are the Ravens getting this many points? We’re talking about an offense that is averaging 19.4 points per game and will be without Jamal Lewis as he begins his two-game "Can I borrow your cell phone to score some blow" drug conspiracy suspension. And they will be facing a rush defense that only allows 90.5 yards/game. What, is Kyle Boller going to get the touchdowns? He does have 2 in 5 games after all. Which means he’s throwing 0.4 touchdowns a game. If the Ravens can score fourteen 0.4 touchdowns, then they can cover by 0.1 points. Baltimore is 30th overall on offense; Buffalo is 27th. Now that’s offensive! The Bills won the battle of the losers last week, squeaking out a win over the Fins (and covering by all of 1 point). "Now we can get off that low horse we were on," said Willis McGahee, who filled in for an injured Travis Henry. Um, Willis, I’m afraid that was a dog you were riding on, and a lapdog at that. You’ve moved up to a mid-sized animal, maybe a labrador or a setter; but with a win here, a pony is definitely within your reach. At the "From Zero to One-Win Hero" Bills-Fins game last week, O.J. Simpson was seen watching the game from a private suite. That seems about right.
Picksgiving: Bills
Lions (+6.5) vs. Giants: The Giants have certainly been one of the surprise teams so far this season. Tiki continues to consume a special diet of magic Jamaican patties and is averaging 6.0 yards per carry and has had four 100-yard games. Kon-Tiki! But the Lions have a decent run defense and should be able to keep Tiki under 100 yards. The question is what the Lions can do on the other side of the ball. Which side of the ball? Oh, I don’t know, the side with the writing on it? Harrington has 8 TDs and only 3 INTs, but hasn’t had a completion over 40 yards. The Giants have gotten surprisingly good play from both the offensive line and the secondary, both assumed to be weakness. They also come off a bye week and the Lions come off a home-loss drubbing by the angry Packers. The line is moving Giants-wards, but the extra week should let the Giants win by a TD. Please no garbage points, G-men!
Picksgiving: Giants
Eagles (-7) vs. Browns: Man, are the Eagles rolling or what? All this swagger must be making their nuts sore. They have won every single game by at least 10 points, yet they continue to get spreads of 7 or 8. Should someone declassify the fact that they are playing the sad-sack Browns? Better yet, get the CIA involved in this, maybe the line will fall to 3 with all the misinformation they can conjure up. Yes, Garcia had 4 TD passes last week against the tanking Bengals, but he can expect a much more aggressive pass rush/blitz as well as better downfield coverage. I pick the picks. Interceptions. Black gold. Touchdowns. Eagles.
Picksgiving: Eagles
Jaguars (+9) vs. Colts: One of the better match-ups of the week, but what the hell is up with this line? If we can assume that the Colts will score 38 points, does that mean that the Jags will have to score six touchdowns in the final minutes? The Jags won their fourth last-minute game last week against the reeling Chiefs. But they will need ball control to stay in it here, and that hasn’t been their strong suit so far this season. It seems unlikely that their vaunted defense can keep up with the Colts at home in the dome off a bye week. Indy won 24-17 in Jax in Week 4. It should be at least 10 this time.
Picksgiving: Colts
Titans (+7) vs. Vikings: So Culpepper is on pace to throw 53 TD passes this year. They can run up the score all they want, they still won’t be in the conference championship game. The Titans are better than their 2-4 record, but they haven’t been able to stop the run and the passing game has floundered at all the wrong times. Hopefully Moss will be hurt. Maybe he can perform his usual antics from the sideline. Or better yet, somebody put him on a stretcher and wheel him into the endzone and tell him to improvise. I’m sure he can put together a little skit involving his helmet, a side judge, and a bedpan. Dante can do a little dance to top it all off. Vikes are due for a choke and the Titans are looking to stay in the wild-card race after last week’s debacle at Houston. Yes, the Titans are giving up 4.6 yards/carry, but what you don’t read about is that the Vikes are giving up 4.9. Chris Brown or Mewelde Moore? Me-what-de Who? Vikes are always good for a choke and while I’d like to get 7.5, I smell the upset. And it smells good.
Picksgiving: Titans
Chargers (+3) vs. Panthers: I’m surprised this line isn’t a bit closer. The Chargers have played well lately now that Drew Brees has discovered that he’s supposed to throw the ball to Chargers players, not opponents. One QB in the game has 9 TDs & 3 INTs and one has 7 TDs and 9 INTs. Las year you would think those were the stats of Jake & Drew, respectively, but it’s a role reversal this year. Now the Del Homey clan wanders the tundra, hoping to spear a penguin for sustenance. But you have to feel a little pity for the Panthers. They have their foot caught in a bear trap right now, and they’re going to have to chew the sucker off to get out of this season. Losing a leg won’t help the running game. At 1-4 they’ve basically said goodbye to the NFC South and with a tough schedule, they have little chance for a wild-card spot. Injuries throughout the offense and defense leave them little to work with in terms of, you know, winning games and stuff. The Chargers should have little trouble moving the ball and the Panthers have yet to show that they deserve being favorites, even by a figgie at home.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Rams (-6) vs. Dolphins: I think the Dolphins’ logo should just go ahead and put on a full set of pads along with its helmet, because things are about to get ugly. While the Miami defense continues to play well, the Miami offense has to take the field at some point. Wait, did I say ‘point’? Because that’s something the Fish haven’t seen much of lately. Points on the scoreboard or the point of continuing this season. Last week Jay Fiedler continued his rampage across the gridiron and threw for 136 yards. Jay, those numbers might kick ass in Pop Warner football, but this is the NFL, dude. You could rush the ball for 136! The whole point of passing is that it gains more yards than rushing. Fiedler has a QB rating of 51.1. Where I come from, that’s failing. The Fishies offense has given up as many touchdowns as it has scored. Now that’s no way to win, but it’s a surefire way to keep the game close. Close enough to lose. The Rams have started to look darn impressive and could give the Seahawks a run for their money in the NFC west. Bulger hucked the ball all over the field last week and Steven Jackson is taking pressure off of Faulk in the run game. The Rams are 27th overall versus the run, but who is going to run the ball for Miami? Jeb Bush? 6 points? Bet your house.
Picksgiving: Rams
Bears (+7) vs. Bucs: 1-4 vs.1-5. These gutter games are getting old. Last week it’s the Bill-Fins and now we get the Bears-Bucs. Four teams on the slow road to nowhere. Thankfully for the Bears, Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman contracted a fateful virus in the backfield and had to be put down by the Bears team veterinarian. They figure it wasn’t worth the cost to send him to a real doctor. Thomas Jones is the Bears leading rusher and receiver. Just go ahead and put him at QB already. The Bucs are fourth overall in defense. They’re also fourth overall in the NFC south. They finally got rid of Keenan McCardell. They got a third & sixth round pick from the Chargers which means they now have the Bolts’ third, fifth, and sixth round picks. Well, they might as well go ahead and start losing all their games. It’s rebuilding time.
Picksgiving: Bears
Falcons (+3.5) vs. Chiefs: Atlanta is third in rushing offense and Kansas City is 23rd in rush defense. That’s pretty much the statistic here. This has to be one of the stranger lines of the week. The Chiefs win one game against the crappy Ravens and all the sudden they’re getting all kind of points. Hell, they got two points last week and still got their ass kicked in Jax. Why should they do any better at home against a far superior team? I don't want to rain on anyone’s parade, but the Chiefs aren’t going to the Superbowl. Atlanta is 5-1; the Chiefs are 1-4. Not to mention that Atlanta is No. 1 against the run, which is basically the only weapon the Chiefs have. The power of the secular Priest and what not. Vick finally showed up last week, albeit in the 4th quarter. No really, the West Coast offense bullshit is working out great, Atlanta being in the East and near no coast. Great idea, guys.
Picksgiving: Falcons
Jets (+6) vs. Patriots: New England is 12th overall on total offense -- 12th running and 12th passing. That one hell of a lot of 12s. This is the big battle of the undefeated teams, but both have relied on easy schedules to pad their Ws. Yes, the Pats beat the Seahawks last week, but they never looked dominating, and the outcome was due more to the mistakes of the Hawks than any brilliance on the part of the Pats. Theses teams historically play close games and I think defense will be key to each side. With similar short-pass styles, the Jets should have an advantage with the better rushing attack and the Jets defense should be able to get pressure on Brady and force him to dump off the ball early. Should be quite a game. And in an even match-up, take the points.
Picksgiving: Jets
Cowboys (+3.5) vs. Packers: The Cowboys have never won in Green Bay. Why would they now?
Picksgiving: Packers
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. Cardinals: The Cards are 27th versus the pass. That doesn’t bode well against a team that looks to take shots down the field. Not to Jerry Rice, of course, who is old and slow and useless. Who cares if he is a future Hall-of-Famer? He’s a future corpse too and you don’t see everyone harping on that one. And what has he done for you lately? Well, he has 5 catches for 67 yards and 0 TDs in three games. That’s not even a good stat for one game. Ugh. I guess I should be droning all about loyalty and employee respect and honoring one of the great players of the game. But come on. This is the same league that fined Jake Plummer every week for wearing Pat Tillman’s number on his head. These are the same players that will break contracts and refuse to play just because they don’t think they’re getting enough money or passes or whatever. Enough with the Jerry Rice. He was a great receiver. Was. His is a sub-par receiver. Is. Let’s just keep that in the forefront. For a team that got into the playoffs, the Seahawks have been handed yet another easy schedule. They’re 3-0 vs. the Saints, Bucs, & 49ers. But they’ve given up 63 points to the Rams & Pats the last two weeks. The Cards have played good defense this season, but they looked to be overmatched here.
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Saints (+3) vs. Raiders: Saint Shit, patron saint of the New Orleans football franchise. He is worshipped for performing small miracles involving taking a talented football team and turning them into crap. There are frequent sightings of him in outhouses all around the world. He is recognized by his stigmata, which is a football bleeding out if his palm and falling into the hands of the opposing team. The Saints are 31st vs. the run and 29th vs. the pass. They are allowing 414.2 yards per game, worst in the NFL. Those are just terrible numbers. This battle of 2-4 teams won’t be so much a scoring contest as a contest to see which team can have more turnovers. Brooks has 6 fumbles in 6 games and Collins has 8 interceptions in 3 games. With the proximity of ‘The Black Hole,’ maybe all these turnovers will, like, be sucked into a different dimension or something. We can at least be certain there will be sucking involved. The Broncos crushed the Raiders at home last week, so these obligatory home points don’t mean much. Both teams are coming off three-game losing streaks. This is a good game… for me to poop on!
Picksgiving: Saints
Broncos (-6) vs. Bengals
The Broncos ran 55 times last week, 123 times in their last three games. I’ll have a Reuben please, hold the Droughns with a side of, uh, Plummer pudding. Also the horsies are fourth vs. the run, second vs. the pass and they've allowed just three points in the fourth quarter. They’ve also allowed only 77 points in six games. None too shabby. The Bengals continue to falter when they get behind and are forced to throw. Rudi Johnson has had a disappointing season with only 412 yards (3.8 yards/carry) and 2 TDs. Palmer is getting only 5.8 yards/pass and has a 59.6 QB rating. Those numbers aren’t going to get you first downs. And Plummer’s ability to pass downfield will limit the Bengals’ attempts to stuff the run. This is the first Monday night home game for the Bengals since 1989. They’ll hope it’s their last.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Bye: Texans, Steelers, 49ers, Redskins
Best Bet: Bolts, Rams (man I want the Saints getting points vs. the Raiders, but I’ve got to stick with the no-Saints rule for at least a couple of weeks).
Errata:
* Look Ma We’re Managing!
According the Peter King, the NFL is now in discussions about the future of its television contracts. Needless to say, overshadowing this is the miserable NFL Network, with its terrible promo spots and meager programming (not to mention that nobody carries it). One of the issues under discussion is moving more of the late-season games to cable beyond just the Sunday night game. It continues to amaze me that the NFL goes out of its way to make its programming inaccessible. The NFL is certainly the envy of every professional sport in national appeal, quality, and marketing power. Yet they continue, time and time again, to limit access to their product. I like football. I don’t have cable. Some of us can’t afford it. Nobody has Direct TV. Nobody gets the NFL Network. What they shouldn’t do is move games to TNT and Spike (two suitors) and start putting games on Wednesday or Thursday nights. I have enough trouble keeping up with the Sunday/Monday games. What I don’t need in another night spent in front of the idiot box. NFL, who is your daddy? Oh, right, the almighty dollar. Guess I forgot for a second.
* Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
Hey ABC, a 50-yard pass = an 88-mph fastball = 100% stupid.
* Tiki’s Fake (‘Tiki’s Take’ Rewritten):
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/7812438
The bye week is always a natural time to reflect on Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. It's a good, long break from salad, which is a great time to clear your mind and eat some fucking patties. Coach (Tom) Coughlin was even good enough to give us a lot of time off last week, which was an added bonus.
Over the past week, I spent a lot of time thinking about patties. As I've said before, our 4-1 record is a surprise to everyone, except the fine people at Golden Krust! But let's be honest … no one is talking about potato bread this week. The story of the week has been Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties and everyone in cities has been captivated by them, including me!
I know how intense Caribbean cuisine is. When the Cowboys, Redskins or Eagles come to town, it's just natural to focus a little bit more and to get just a little more pumped up for some delicious patties. Not that we don't prepare hard for every meal, but you know how it is. It's one thing when you get into a pickup game on the playground; it's an entirely different level of concentration and effort when you visit a Golden Krust and chaw down on some motherfucking sweet-ass patties.
So when I watched the Golden and Krust slug it out night after night, it just amazed me how they're able to consume such intense, nail-biting goodness and then go right back out the next night and eat them again. I really just can't imagine how they do it day after day. Every patty means so much in the food business. One good patty and you're closer to Patty Nirvana. One bum patty and you're closer to spending a long winter at the toilet. The ebbs and flows of patties are draining, as much to the bakers as the diners
But what's interesting to me is that as scrumscious and delicious as October Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties are, that is what they’re like every week during the NFL regular season. In a sport where we play only 16 games, every meal is huge. A loss against a division rival is a devastating blow. On the flip side, a huge come-from-behind patty will give you a natural high that will carry you along for a week. In the course of a month, we eat 400 Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. Think about that. It's already deep into October and we've only eaten 150 patties and yet each one was as meaningful as a mouthful of patties for breakfast.
That's why patties are great. In Golden Krust you eat and eat day-to-day, the gambit of flavors changing by the minute. Yet in football, the emotions of one 60-minute meal of patties last you an entire week! I admire Golden Krust Jamaican Patties, but I sure wouldn't trade places with them. Otherwise somebody would eat me.
* In Other News:
That crazy iconoclast John McCain is at it again! For those who didn’t know, McCain sent a letter to the NFL commissioner complaining about the NFL fining Jake Plummer for wearing a sticker with Pat Tillman’s number on his helmet. Go here for the letter:
http://www.friendsofmccain.com/news/dspnews.cfm?id=172
While Plummer and the NFL eventually settled out of, uh, field-goal range, McCain called the league ‘idiots’ for the fine and condemned them for their myopic disciplinarianism. This week, McCain again found issue with the league and sent the following letter:
Mr. Paul J. Tagliabue
CommissionerNational Football League
280 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Dear Mr. Tailgate:
I am writing to urge you to reconsider your decision to prevent Terrell Owens, receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, and a former stand-up comedian and friend of Rodney Dangerfield, from wearing Mr. Dangerfield’s name on his jock strap and cup in memory of this fallen hero. In making your decision, I fear you have sent a message that League policy is more important than goin-located memorials to those who have made us laugh.
When Rodney told a joke about getting no respect, he set aside the comforts that he enjoyed as a professional entertainer and answered a higher calling of duty to his country. His decision exemplified patriotism and a commitment to a common cause. Rodney Dangerfield left this world as a protector of our sense of humor, the same humor that your League enjoys each Sunday when teams like the Bears and Bucs meet. He died so that we as Americans can enjoy our way of life and express ourselves in the way that Terrell Owens now seeks to express himself by having Dangerfield stenciled across his cup, the very padding that protects his manhood.
While I understand that it is a policy of your League to disallow any player from varying in his apparel so as to protect the image and uniformity of the League, this seems more a fixation with the letter of the groin. An observance of the spirit of the law would yield an acknowledgment that Owens’ act is not one of selfishness, or an attempt to draw attention to his "package" at the expense of other players’ packages, but rather a humble tribute to a fallen hero and friend who also doesn’t get the amount of respect he deserves, dammit.
America is at war, a war that has cost our nation many of our finest citizens as well as our finest groins. We must celebrate, not ignore, the commitment to duty and sacrifice of our members, particularly those who served when they were not jock strapped.
Once again, I urge you to reconsider your decision.
Sincerely,
John McCain
Also, this week brings Jeff Garcia and T.O. back together. T.O. keeps claiming that Garcia is gay, but here’s a news story:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylc=X3oDMTBpZ2NvMjltBF9TAzk1ODYxMDU5BHNlYwN0aA--?slug=ap-browns-garcia-playmate&prov=ap&type=lgns
Jeff Garcia had a Playmate girlfriend! Damnation! And here’s what a Google image search reveals (Warning: it reveals a lot! She’s a Playmate after all! Not safe for work, as the kids say!)
http://images.google.com/images?q=Carmella+DeCesare+&imgsz=xxlarge&hl=en&lr=&filter=0
* FUMBLE! (Communist Version)
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/10/21/Castro.concern/
This week in mortality:
http://college3.nytimes.com/guests/articles/2004/10/10/1186435.xml
Jacques Derrida, the Algerian-born, French quarterback who became one of the most celebrated and notoriously difficult passers of the late 20th century, died Friday at a Paris hospital, the French president’s office announced. He had a QB rating of 74.
Mr. Derrida was known as the father of incompletions, the method of passing that asserted that all passes were full of confusion and contradiction, and that the quarterback’s intent could not overcome the inherent contradictions of passing itself, robbing receivers - whether wide-outs, running backs or tight ends - of completions, statistics, and touchdowns. The concept was eventually applied to the whole gamut of offense and defense, including sacks, fumbles, blocking schemes, even gameplans.
While he had a huge following - larger in the United States than in Europe - he was the target of as much anger as admiration. For many Americans, in particular, he was the personification of a West Coast school of thinking they felt was undermining many of the traditional standards of football, and one they often associated with divisive playcalling.
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations)
A brief history of the touchdown dance:
http://www.jsonline.com/packer/sbxxxiii/news/dance120998.asp
* Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Bears vs. Bucs (played on all-pro mode; videogames are all about pretend, right?)
In the first quarter, the computer-controlled Bucs stormed down the field and scored on a Mike Alstott run. My PS2 dual shock controller is destroyed upon suffering what must be one shock too many. Which would be three, I guess.
Late in the third quarter, Rex Grossman (injured in real-life, but still s shitty QB in the virtual world) throws an interception in the endzone. The PS2 was then kicked for the PAT.
After losing horribly to the videogame system, I then declared the PS2 to be BS1.
* Quote of the Week:
"If they [referees] want to put skirts on the offensive players, then put skirts and pumps on them and let them play another game," Raiders cornerback Phillip Buchanon said.
He then added that he would be willing to pay to watch that game.
* Footballweb:
(for those who haven’t seen it):
http://webpages.marshall.edu/~leftwich1/
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Vol. 1: This is verbatim from an Anheuser-Busch press release: "…As the industry leader, Anheuser-Busch is the first major brewer to infuse beer with caffeine, guarana and ginseng. Well balanced with select hops and aromas of blackberry, raspberry and cherry, BE will offer a lightly sweet and tart taste - a great mixture of beer and new flavors for adults to enjoy when out with friends at a club or at a bar after work with colleagues."
Yes, it’s called ‘B-to-the-E.’ Here’s the press release:
http://www.anheuser-busch.com/news/BtoE_100404.htm
Now everybody knows that BeerTarts are my favorite candy and all, but still. This is pathetic. Guarana? Ginseng? Aroma of raspberry? Why not just put some Eye-of-Newt in there as well? Does B-to-the-E come with its own little paper umbrella? Maybe a twisty straw? And is there coconut flavor or isn’t there?
"We created a great new drink that's outside the boundaries of the taste adults would expect from a traditional beer," said Nathaniel Davis, brewmaster, Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
You can write your own joke to that comment. Yes, outside the boundaries, over in Pukesylvania. Am I allowed to speculate that America has reached it cultural endpoint once beer and energy drinks have fused? How long until a Junior Ad Exec is ordering a B-to-the-E and vodka? Has that rough beast reached Bethlehem yet? What’s taking it so damn long?
Hey I’ve got a better name for your stupid energy beer: B-to-the-A-to-the-R-to-the-F.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Before last week’s battle between the solids and the stripes, Chad Johnson sent the Browns secondary bottles of Pepto Bismal. "I sent all the Browns DBs some Pepto Bismol, to cure them of their sickness," said Johnson. "They're going to get tired of covering me." Tired or sick? I’m confused? Please, Chad Johnson, beacon of clarity, explain it to me. Needless to say, this is the same Chad Johnson who, before many games last year, would guarantee a Bengals victory (which a coin-flip-like precision, I might add). Do I even need to say that the Bengals lost 34-17 and Chad had 3 catches for 37 yards? Maybe the Browns secondary should send him some KY so that next time the reaming won’t be so painful…
In other news of the idiotic, Vikes WR Kelly Campbell has gotten two unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties for excessive celebrations this year. Campbell claims that no matter the fines imposed by the league, he’s going to keep on with his celebrating ways. "Y'all know what I'm gonna do," he said after the game. "I'm going to crank that thing on up out there. You can't control it. It's a Campbell virus."
Um, please don’t tell me the Campbell virus vaccine shots are in short supply too.
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
AKA the ‘where are they now?’ file.
http://www.viacom.com/press.tin?ixPressRelease=80103995
Now you Seahorn. Now you don’t.
¶ 5:41 PM
Playing to the base.
Overall: 46-39-3, just ahead of the curve.
Last Week: 8-6, blah.
Best Bets: 6-5-1, can I make some money here?
BB Last Week: 1-1, yet again.
Prologue: Fall Classic my ass. At least they’re overriding the cable game, which I don’t get anyway.
Bills (+5.5) vs. Ravens: How in God’s name are the Ravens getting this many points? We’re talking about an offense that is averaging 19.4 points per game and will be without Jamal Lewis as he begins his two-game "Can I borrow your cell phone to score some blow" drug conspiracy suspension. And they will be facing a rush defense that only allows 90.5 yards/game. What, is Kyle Boller going to get the touchdowns? He does have 2 in 5 games after all. Which means he’s throwing 0.4 touchdowns a game. If the Ravens can score fourteen 0.4 touchdowns, then they can cover by 0.1 points. Baltimore is 30th overall on offense; Buffalo is 27th. Now that’s offensive! The Bills won the battle of the losers last week, squeaking out a win over the Fins (and covering by all of 1 point). "Now we can get off that low horse we were on," said Willis McGahee, who filled in for an injured Travis Henry. Um, Willis, I’m afraid that was a dog you were riding on, and a lapdog at that. You’ve moved up to a mid-sized animal, maybe a labrador or a setter; but with a win here, a pony is definitely within your reach. At the "From Zero to One-Win Hero" Bills-Fins game last week, O.J. Simpson was seen watching the game from a private suite. That seems about right.
Picksgiving: Bills
Lions (+6.5) vs. Giants: The Giants have certainly been one of the surprise teams so far this season. Tiki continues to consume a special diet of magic Jamaican patties and is averaging 6.0 yards per carry and has had four 100-yard games. Kon-Tiki! But the Lions have a decent run defense and should be able to keep Tiki under 100 yards. The question is what the Lions can do on the other side of the ball. Which side of the ball? Oh, I don’t know, the side with the writing on it? Harrington has 8 TDs and only 3 INTs, but hasn’t had a completion over 40 yards. The Giants have gotten surprisingly good play from both the offensive line and the secondary, both assumed to be weakness. They also come off a bye week and the Lions come off a home-loss drubbing by the angry Packers. The line is moving Giants-wards, but the extra week should let the Giants win by a TD. Please no garbage points, G-men!
Picksgiving: Giants
Eagles (-7) vs. Browns: Man, are the Eagles rolling or what? All this swagger must be making their nuts sore. They have won every single game by at least 10 points, yet they continue to get spreads of 7 or 8. Should someone declassify the fact that they are playing the sad-sack Browns? Better yet, get the CIA involved in this, maybe the line will fall to 3 with all the misinformation they can conjure up. Yes, Garcia had 4 TD passes last week against the tanking Bengals, but he can expect a much more aggressive pass rush/blitz as well as better downfield coverage. I pick the picks. Interceptions. Black gold. Touchdowns. Eagles.
Picksgiving: Eagles
Jaguars (+9) vs. Colts: One of the better match-ups of the week, but what the hell is up with this line? If we can assume that the Colts will score 38 points, does that mean that the Jags will have to score six touchdowns in the final minutes? The Jags won their fourth last-minute game last week against the reeling Chiefs. But they will need ball control to stay in it here, and that hasn’t been their strong suit so far this season. It seems unlikely that their vaunted defense can keep up with the Colts at home in the dome off a bye week. Indy won 24-17 in Jax in Week 4. It should be at least 10 this time.
Picksgiving: Colts
Titans (+7) vs. Vikings: So Culpepper is on pace to throw 53 TD passes this year. They can run up the score all they want, they still won’t be in the conference championship game. The Titans are better than their 2-4 record, but they haven’t been able to stop the run and the passing game has floundered at all the wrong times. Hopefully Moss will be hurt. Maybe he can perform his usual antics from the sideline. Or better yet, somebody put him on a stretcher and wheel him into the endzone and tell him to improvise. I’m sure he can put together a little skit involving his helmet, a side judge, and a bedpan. Dante can do a little dance to top it all off. Vikes are due for a choke and the Titans are looking to stay in the wild-card race after last week’s debacle at Houston. Yes, the Titans are giving up 4.6 yards/carry, but what you don’t read about is that the Vikes are giving up 4.9. Chris Brown or Mewelde Moore? Me-what-de Who? Vikes are always good for a choke and while I’d like to get 7.5, I smell the upset. And it smells good.
Picksgiving: Titans
Chargers (+3) vs. Panthers: I’m surprised this line isn’t a bit closer. The Chargers have played well lately now that Drew Brees has discovered that he’s supposed to throw the ball to Chargers players, not opponents. One QB in the game has 9 TDs & 3 INTs and one has 7 TDs and 9 INTs. Las year you would think those were the stats of Jake & Drew, respectively, but it’s a role reversal this year. Now the Del Homey clan wanders the tundra, hoping to spear a penguin for sustenance. But you have to feel a little pity for the Panthers. They have their foot caught in a bear trap right now, and they’re going to have to chew the sucker off to get out of this season. Losing a leg won’t help the running game. At 1-4 they’ve basically said goodbye to the NFC South and with a tough schedule, they have little chance for a wild-card spot. Injuries throughout the offense and defense leave them little to work with in terms of, you know, winning games and stuff. The Chargers should have little trouble moving the ball and the Panthers have yet to show that they deserve being favorites, even by a figgie at home.
Picksgiving: Chargers
Rams (-6) vs. Dolphins: I think the Dolphins’ logo should just go ahead and put on a full set of pads along with its helmet, because things are about to get ugly. While the Miami defense continues to play well, the Miami offense has to take the field at some point. Wait, did I say ‘point’? Because that’s something the Fish haven’t seen much of lately. Points on the scoreboard or the point of continuing this season. Last week Jay Fiedler continued his rampage across the gridiron and threw for 136 yards. Jay, those numbers might kick ass in Pop Warner football, but this is the NFL, dude. You could rush the ball for 136! The whole point of passing is that it gains more yards than rushing. Fiedler has a QB rating of 51.1. Where I come from, that’s failing. The Fishies offense has given up as many touchdowns as it has scored. Now that’s no way to win, but it’s a surefire way to keep the game close. Close enough to lose. The Rams have started to look darn impressive and could give the Seahawks a run for their money in the NFC west. Bulger hucked the ball all over the field last week and Steven Jackson is taking pressure off of Faulk in the run game. The Rams are 27th overall versus the run, but who is going to run the ball for Miami? Jeb Bush? 6 points? Bet your house.
Picksgiving: Rams
Bears (+7) vs. Bucs: 1-4 vs.1-5. These gutter games are getting old. Last week it’s the Bill-Fins and now we get the Bears-Bucs. Four teams on the slow road to nowhere. Thankfully for the Bears, Jonathan Quinn, Medicine Woman contracted a fateful virus in the backfield and had to be put down by the Bears team veterinarian. They figure it wasn’t worth the cost to send him to a real doctor. Thomas Jones is the Bears leading rusher and receiver. Just go ahead and put him at QB already. The Bucs are fourth overall in defense. They’re also fourth overall in the NFC south. They finally got rid of Keenan McCardell. They got a third & sixth round pick from the Chargers which means they now have the Bolts’ third, fifth, and sixth round picks. Well, they might as well go ahead and start losing all their games. It’s rebuilding time.
Picksgiving: Bears
Falcons (+3.5) vs. Chiefs: Atlanta is third in rushing offense and Kansas City is 23rd in rush defense. That’s pretty much the statistic here. This has to be one of the stranger lines of the week. The Chiefs win one game against the crappy Ravens and all the sudden they’re getting all kind of points. Hell, they got two points last week and still got their ass kicked in Jax. Why should they do any better at home against a far superior team? I don't want to rain on anyone’s parade, but the Chiefs aren’t going to the Superbowl. Atlanta is 5-1; the Chiefs are 1-4. Not to mention that Atlanta is No. 1 against the run, which is basically the only weapon the Chiefs have. The power of the secular Priest and what not. Vick finally showed up last week, albeit in the 4th quarter. No really, the West Coast offense bullshit is working out great, Atlanta being in the East and near no coast. Great idea, guys.
Picksgiving: Falcons
Jets (+6) vs. Patriots: New England is 12th overall on total offense -- 12th running and 12th passing. That one hell of a lot of 12s. This is the big battle of the undefeated teams, but both have relied on easy schedules to pad their Ws. Yes, the Pats beat the Seahawks last week, but they never looked dominating, and the outcome was due more to the mistakes of the Hawks than any brilliance on the part of the Pats. Theses teams historically play close games and I think defense will be key to each side. With similar short-pass styles, the Jets should have an advantage with the better rushing attack and the Jets defense should be able to get pressure on Brady and force him to dump off the ball early. Should be quite a game. And in an even match-up, take the points.
Picksgiving: Jets
Cowboys (+3.5) vs. Packers: The Cowboys have never won in Green Bay. Why would they now?
Picksgiving: Packers
Seahawks (-6.5) vs. Cardinals: The Cards are 27th versus the pass. That doesn’t bode well against a team that looks to take shots down the field. Not to Jerry Rice, of course, who is old and slow and useless. Who cares if he is a future Hall-of-Famer? He’s a future corpse too and you don’t see everyone harping on that one. And what has he done for you lately? Well, he has 5 catches for 67 yards and 0 TDs in three games. That’s not even a good stat for one game. Ugh. I guess I should be droning all about loyalty and employee respect and honoring one of the great players of the game. But come on. This is the same league that fined Jake Plummer every week for wearing Pat Tillman’s number on his head. These are the same players that will break contracts and refuse to play just because they don’t think they’re getting enough money or passes or whatever. Enough with the Jerry Rice. He was a great receiver. Was. His is a sub-par receiver. Is. Let’s just keep that in the forefront. For a team that got into the playoffs, the Seahawks have been handed yet another easy schedule. They’re 3-0 vs. the Saints, Bucs, & 49ers. But they’ve given up 63 points to the Rams & Pats the last two weeks. The Cards have played good defense this season, but they looked to be overmatched here.
Picksgiving: Seahawks
Saints (+3) vs. Raiders: Saint Shit, patron saint of the New Orleans football franchise. He is worshipped for performing small miracles involving taking a talented football team and turning them into crap. There are frequent sightings of him in outhouses all around the world. He is recognized by his stigmata, which is a football bleeding out if his palm and falling into the hands of the opposing team. The Saints are 31st vs. the run and 29th vs. the pass. They are allowing 414.2 yards per game, worst in the NFL. Those are just terrible numbers. This battle of 2-4 teams won’t be so much a scoring contest as a contest to see which team can have more turnovers. Brooks has 6 fumbles in 6 games and Collins has 8 interceptions in 3 games. With the proximity of ‘The Black Hole,’ maybe all these turnovers will, like, be sucked into a different dimension or something. We can at least be certain there will be sucking involved. The Broncos crushed the Raiders at home last week, so these obligatory home points don’t mean much. Both teams are coming off three-game losing streaks. This is a good game… for me to poop on!
Picksgiving: Saints
Broncos (-6) vs. Bengals
The Broncos ran 55 times last week, 123 times in their last three games. I’ll have a Reuben please, hold the Droughns with a side of, uh, Plummer pudding. Also the horsies are fourth vs. the run, second vs. the pass and they've allowed just three points in the fourth quarter. They’ve also allowed only 77 points in six games. None too shabby. The Bengals continue to falter when they get behind and are forced to throw. Rudi Johnson has had a disappointing season with only 412 yards (3.8 yards/carry) and 2 TDs. Palmer is getting only 5.8 yards/pass and has a 59.6 QB rating. Those numbers aren’t going to get you first downs. And Plummer’s ability to pass downfield will limit the Bengals’ attempts to stuff the run. This is the first Monday night home game for the Bengals since 1989. They’ll hope it’s their last.
Picksgiving: Broncos
Bye: Texans, Steelers, 49ers, Redskins
Best Bet: Bolts, Rams (man I want the Saints getting points vs. the Raiders, but I’ve got to stick with the no-Saints rule for at least a couple of weeks).
Errata:
* Look Ma We’re Managing!
According the Peter King, the NFL is now in discussions about the future of its television contracts. Needless to say, overshadowing this is the miserable NFL Network, with its terrible promo spots and meager programming (not to mention that nobody carries it). One of the issues under discussion is moving more of the late-season games to cable beyond just the Sunday night game. It continues to amaze me that the NFL goes out of its way to make its programming inaccessible. The NFL is certainly the envy of every professional sport in national appeal, quality, and marketing power. Yet they continue, time and time again, to limit access to their product. I like football. I don’t have cable. Some of us can’t afford it. Nobody has Direct TV. Nobody gets the NFL Network. What they shouldn’t do is move games to TNT and Spike (two suitors) and start putting games on Wednesday or Thursday nights. I have enough trouble keeping up with the Sunday/Monday games. What I don’t need in another night spent in front of the idiot box. NFL, who is your daddy? Oh, right, the almighty dollar. Guess I forgot for a second.
* Videodrome (comments on the football telecast):
Hey ABC, a 50-yard pass = an 88-mph fastball = 100% stupid.
* Tiki’s Fake (‘Tiki’s Take’ Rewritten):
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/7812438
The bye week is always a natural time to reflect on Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. It's a good, long break from salad, which is a great time to clear your mind and eat some fucking patties. Coach (Tom) Coughlin was even good enough to give us a lot of time off last week, which was an added bonus.
Over the past week, I spent a lot of time thinking about patties. As I've said before, our 4-1 record is a surprise to everyone, except the fine people at Golden Krust! But let's be honest … no one is talking about potato bread this week. The story of the week has been Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties and everyone in cities has been captivated by them, including me!
I know how intense Caribbean cuisine is. When the Cowboys, Redskins or Eagles come to town, it's just natural to focus a little bit more and to get just a little more pumped up for some delicious patties. Not that we don't prepare hard for every meal, but you know how it is. It's one thing when you get into a pickup game on the playground; it's an entirely different level of concentration and effort when you visit a Golden Krust and chaw down on some motherfucking sweet-ass patties.
So when I watched the Golden and Krust slug it out night after night, it just amazed me how they're able to consume such intense, nail-biting goodness and then go right back out the next night and eat them again. I really just can't imagine how they do it day after day. Every patty means so much in the food business. One good patty and you're closer to Patty Nirvana. One bum patty and you're closer to spending a long winter at the toilet. The ebbs and flows of patties are draining, as much to the bakers as the diners
But what's interesting to me is that as scrumscious and delicious as October Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties are, that is what they’re like every week during the NFL regular season. In a sport where we play only 16 games, every meal is huge. A loss against a division rival is a devastating blow. On the flip side, a huge come-from-behind patty will give you a natural high that will carry you along for a week. In the course of a month, we eat 400 Golden Krust brand Jamaican Patties. Think about that. It's already deep into October and we've only eaten 150 patties and yet each one was as meaningful as a mouthful of patties for breakfast.
That's why patties are great. In Golden Krust you eat and eat day-to-day, the gambit of flavors changing by the minute. Yet in football, the emotions of one 60-minute meal of patties last you an entire week! I admire Golden Krust Jamaican Patties, but I sure wouldn't trade places with them. Otherwise somebody would eat me.
* In Other News:
That crazy iconoclast John McCain is at it again! For those who didn’t know, McCain sent a letter to the NFL commissioner complaining about the NFL fining Jake Plummer for wearing a sticker with Pat Tillman’s number on his helmet. Go here for the letter:
http://www.friendsofmccain.com/news/dspnews.cfm?id=172
While Plummer and the NFL eventually settled out of, uh, field-goal range, McCain called the league ‘idiots’ for the fine and condemned them for their myopic disciplinarianism. This week, McCain again found issue with the league and sent the following letter:
Mr. Paul J. Tagliabue
CommissionerNational Football League
280 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Dear Mr. Tailgate:
I am writing to urge you to reconsider your decision to prevent Terrell Owens, receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, and a former stand-up comedian and friend of Rodney Dangerfield, from wearing Mr. Dangerfield’s name on his jock strap and cup in memory of this fallen hero. In making your decision, I fear you have sent a message that League policy is more important than goin-located memorials to those who have made us laugh.
When Rodney told a joke about getting no respect, he set aside the comforts that he enjoyed as a professional entertainer and answered a higher calling of duty to his country. His decision exemplified patriotism and a commitment to a common cause. Rodney Dangerfield left this world as a protector of our sense of humor, the same humor that your League enjoys each Sunday when teams like the Bears and Bucs meet. He died so that we as Americans can enjoy our way of life and express ourselves in the way that Terrell Owens now seeks to express himself by having Dangerfield stenciled across his cup, the very padding that protects his manhood.
While I understand that it is a policy of your League to disallow any player from varying in his apparel so as to protect the image and uniformity of the League, this seems more a fixation with the letter of the groin. An observance of the spirit of the law would yield an acknowledgment that Owens’ act is not one of selfishness, or an attempt to draw attention to his "package" at the expense of other players’ packages, but rather a humble tribute to a fallen hero and friend who also doesn’t get the amount of respect he deserves, dammit.
America is at war, a war that has cost our nation many of our finest citizens as well as our finest groins. We must celebrate, not ignore, the commitment to duty and sacrifice of our members, particularly those who served when they were not jock strapped.
Once again, I urge you to reconsider your decision.
Sincerely,
John McCain
Also, this week brings Jeff Garcia and T.O. back together. T.O. keeps claiming that Garcia is gay, but here’s a news story:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylc=X3oDMTBpZ2NvMjltBF9TAzk1ODYxMDU5BHNlYwN0aA--?slug=ap-browns-garcia-playmate&prov=ap&type=lgns
Jeff Garcia had a Playmate girlfriend! Damnation! And here’s what a Google image search reveals (Warning: it reveals a lot! She’s a Playmate after all! Not safe for work, as the kids say!)
http://images.google.com/images?q=Carmella+DeCesare+&imgsz=xxlarge&hl=en&lr=&filter=0
* FUMBLE! (Communist Version)
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/10/21/Castro.concern/
This week in mortality:
http://college3.nytimes.com/guests/articles/2004/10/10/1186435.xml
Jacques Derrida, the Algerian-born, French quarterback who became one of the most celebrated and notoriously difficult passers of the late 20th century, died Friday at a Paris hospital, the French president’s office announced. He had a QB rating of 74.
Mr. Derrida was known as the father of incompletions, the method of passing that asserted that all passes were full of confusion and contradiction, and that the quarterback’s intent could not overcome the inherent contradictions of passing itself, robbing receivers - whether wide-outs, running backs or tight ends - of completions, statistics, and touchdowns. The concept was eventually applied to the whole gamut of offense and defense, including sacks, fumbles, blocking schemes, even gameplans.
While he had a huge following - larger in the United States than in Europe - he was the target of as much anger as admiration. For many Americans, in particular, he was the personification of a West Coast school of thinking they felt was undermining many of the traditional standards of football, and one they often associated with divisive playcalling.
* When you dance (touchdown celebrations)
A brief history of the touchdown dance:
http://www.jsonline.com/packer/sbxxxiii/news/dance120998.asp
* Highlights from this weeks PS2 game simulation:
Bears vs. Bucs (played on all-pro mode; videogames are all about pretend, right?)
In the first quarter, the computer-controlled Bucs stormed down the field and scored on a Mike Alstott run. My PS2 dual shock controller is destroyed upon suffering what must be one shock too many. Which would be three, I guess.
Late in the third quarter, Rex Grossman (injured in real-life, but still s shitty QB in the virtual world) throws an interception in the endzone. The PS2 was then kicked for the PAT.
After losing horribly to the videogame system, I then declared the PS2 to be BS1.
* Quote of the Week:
"If they [referees] want to put skirts on the offensive players, then put skirts and pumps on them and let them play another game," Raiders cornerback Phillip Buchanon said.
He then added that he would be willing to pay to watch that game.
* Footballweb:
(for those who haven’t seen it):
http://webpages.marshall.edu/~leftwich1/
*Boner Pills & Beer (football’s greatest advertising friends):
Vol. 1: This is verbatim from an Anheuser-Busch press release: "…As the industry leader, Anheuser-Busch is the first major brewer to infuse beer with caffeine, guarana and ginseng. Well balanced with select hops and aromas of blackberry, raspberry and cherry, BE will offer a lightly sweet and tart taste - a great mixture of beer and new flavors for adults to enjoy when out with friends at a club or at a bar after work with colleagues."
Yes, it’s called ‘B-to-the-E.’ Here’s the press release:
http://www.anheuser-busch.com/news/BtoE_100404.htm
Now everybody knows that BeerTarts are my favorite candy and all, but still. This is pathetic. Guarana? Ginseng? Aroma of raspberry? Why not just put some Eye-of-Newt in there as well? Does B-to-the-E come with its own little paper umbrella? Maybe a twisty straw? And is there coconut flavor or isn’t there?
"We created a great new drink that's outside the boundaries of the taste adults would expect from a traditional beer," said Nathaniel Davis, brewmaster, Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
You can write your own joke to that comment. Yes, outside the boundaries, over in Pukesylvania. Am I allowed to speculate that America has reached it cultural endpoint once beer and energy drinks have fused? How long until a Junior Ad Exec is ordering a B-to-the-E and vodka? Has that rough beast reached Bethlehem yet? What’s taking it so damn long?
Hey I’ve got a better name for your stupid energy beer: B-to-the-A-to-the-R-to-the-F.
*Did You Know (bless the trivial):
Before last week’s battle between the solids and the stripes, Chad Johnson sent the Browns secondary bottles of Pepto Bismal. "I sent all the Browns DBs some Pepto Bismol, to cure them of their sickness," said Johnson. "They're going to get tired of covering me." Tired or sick? I’m confused? Please, Chad Johnson, beacon of clarity, explain it to me. Needless to say, this is the same Chad Johnson who, before many games last year, would guarantee a Bengals victory (which a coin-flip-like precision, I might add). Do I even need to say that the Bengals lost 34-17 and Chad had 3 catches for 37 yards? Maybe the Browns secondary should send him some KY so that next time the reaming won’t be so painful…
In other news of the idiotic, Vikes WR Kelly Campbell has gotten two unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties for excessive celebrations this year. Campbell claims that no matter the fines imposed by the league, he’s going to keep on with his celebrating ways. "Y'all know what I'm gonna do," he said after the game. "I'm going to crank that thing on up out there. You can't control it. It's a Campbell virus."
Um, please don’t tell me the Campbell virus vaccine shots are in short supply too.
*The Shrill Shill (football hucksters):
AKA the ‘where are they now?’ file.
http://www.viacom.com/press.tin?ixPressRelease=80103995
Now you Seahorn. Now you don’t.
¶ 5:41 PM
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how come nobody ever comments?
also, i want more matlock, dammit.
ct.
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also, i want more matlock, dammit.
ct.
# posted by 
: October 22, 2004 at 6:40 PM
: October 22, 2004 at 6:40 PM<< Home
